thank you sir

went back to WMS on monday and it was such a nice thing to be remembered... though in a way, it did felt a little uncomfortable as I know fairly well that it's also due to some other not so pleasant reasons that I was remembered....

but then again.... it's been such a long time....

saw G and it was great seeing him again after so long...

and what a surprise I got when he called this morning to announce that he was near BSC and coming to mom's place.... and to catch up... at Coffee Bean... and to hear him telling me all the things he remembered... about when he first met me, about how he knew something was not right... funny... and I always thought that he didn't really knew much.... but I guess... I was wrong after all...

to hear it from him that I was indeed swinging up and down and needing psychiatric help was actually comforting.... I know it's weird... but then again, perhaps it's the comformation that is giving me this warm feeling... comformation that the road that i am taking now to deal with my problem is indeed the right one... and that it wasn't much of my imaginationt that something was not right with me... that it's not just all in my head....

ha ha.. he still remembered my expression.. sitting outside his office... crying, asking me if i wanted to talk to him... heck, he even knew my form three classroom even though he only started teaching me in form four! .... even i don't remember it myself.... but then again... it's pretty much a blur, whatever happened last time that was....

it was good to know...

and in the conversation, i got to know him much more... and I really appreciate him telling me... it's different when the relationship changes.... and this difference feels nice...

hmm... today... good day =)

she was a nice and sweet lady, the counsellor at Monash Malaysia... someone who I found really easy to warm up to, someone who I felt I can open up to... it's a nice feeling knowing that you're talking to someone who is non judgemental whether professionally or otherwise. Most professionals say that they don't, but isn't labeling and diagnoses a form of judgement as well? I am not disputing the benefits of having diagnoses as guidlines to form a treatment plan, but then again, sometimes, the last thing a person who is judgemental herself against herself needs is to be viewed as a patient, to be put into pigeon holes of diagnoses that professionals so readily give us....

she gave me the impression that she cared.... and I guess for the time being, that is all that matters....

on another note, it's really a joyful thing to be remembered... Ms. Helen remembered me and it just made my day.... hmm... leaving an impact... it's a situation that works both ways....

and one thing... Arun, if you happen to read this, for the millionth time, bring your ID and don't go pandai pandai self declare to the security guards that you don't have an ID.... =.=

life sentence?

off meds and thrown into a whirlpool of delusions and hyped up feelings of mania....

just shows how meds control the lives of many psych patients with serious psychiatric illnesses, just shows how it's a life sentence.... once you've got it... that's it... it's most likely for life.... meds, hospitals.... loosing control....

hate it....

hate to see her like that.....

hate to see her loosing grips of reality....

yet again, perhaps it's my own fear that I am yet to face? perhaps this hatred is but projection?

生活

大学二年生の生活もう終わった・・・
速すぎるよ！流れる時間が・・・
後二週間私は国を帰る・・・
でも、楽しいしみしないよ・・・
如何して分からないけど・・・
考えすぎる止めたほうがいいと思う・・・

一年間沢山事件があった・・・
私の精神病気まだ治っていない、
まだ毎日独りの時は寂しくて、苦しいよ・・・
そして、彼氏も鬱病になった・・・
でも・・・
新しい友達沢山会った、
GFNのプロジェットも楽しかった・・・
Jさんともっと深い交情を作ったはよかった・・・

pigeon holes and pinky promises....

how could i have forgotten about that pinky promise, that first contact that I had with C? yes, that silent agreement that we had a year ago in his office, with me still trembling and him deciding if i am a case worth his time....

brings upon me a heartwarming feeling....

and now...

how can i thank him enough for not judging me as do others? for looking beyond labels that professionals apply? for not putting me into pigeon holes of mental conditions? how can i thank him enough for seeing me as a human being as a whole and not a flawed personality as i have been told.....

three days have passed and i am still very much in that grateful mode...

thank you....

i want out....

it's getting painful... and i really don't feel like dealing with it, though i know it will pass... it'll just return yet once again to me.... i hate this feeling that i am feeling now... it's not passing... it's just getting stronger and stronger with each passign minute and i am scared... so scared and alone.... left to my own devices....

i feel so tired of everything...

i don't know what am i feeling...

I know what i have to do in times like this.. but i don't feel like doing...

I jsut want out...

I want out.....

help me... anyone...

I know i am sounding whiny and all... but i really really question my own sanity right now...

in pieces still....

hit rock bottom... shattered into a million tiny little pieces... can i pick myself up? can i pass through this time intact? can i survive this blow of deep depression? can i pick myself up from where i've fallen not too many days ago? that gradual progressive fall that i couldn't break, can i still cushion myself now that i am about to hit the ground? or have i already suffered the blow to my head and is now bleeding to death?

perhaps what i need is to hit the ground... only then can i climb back up? no?

emergency rooms, silent piercing screams, vivid images that is better not to be be seen... as i frantically clung onto reality, in hopes that i can keep my sanity... round and round in circles my head is spinning.... round and round and round.... it doesn't end, it prrbably never will....

one by one i can't do the things i want...

one by one i am loosing the things i worked hard for...

one by one... pieces of me keeps falling...

one by one... i am loosing...
I am loosing me....

prayer...

thank you for praying for me... it meant a lot to me, knowing that you care and want to help.... if only I am a easier person to treat... just makes me feel worse being a difficult case... how i hope i am not like this...

it's funny, I've refused prayer for so long, but today, just now, i gave in, i accepted your gift of prayer for me... is it you or is it time now for me to turn back? perhaps it's time for me to stop running away spiritually... time for me to hang on to faith once again... yet... it just seems as though i am loosing it...

i don't know my own thoughts, my own feelings... it's all muddled up.... i need clarification... but there is none... there will be none....

there is so much i want to write about... but for now, this is all that i can....

my head hurts and things just don't feel right...

i don't feel right... i want to be taken care of right this moment for i am incapable of taking care of myself now... i am tired and worn out...

she's here....

why must she come? why must she show up in front of me? why of all places, of all times? why now? when i am at my lowest?

it's not fair that she must come now... am i not tormented enough? that i need to let her see me like this? insomniac, with her mind wandering off to far off places?

I hate this, I hate her... as i am sitting here typing this, she is talking freely to "her friends" about tomorrow's plans.... hate how she's looking so normal... perhaps it's just my jealousy... perhaps it's just my neurotism....

but how i hate this... how i truly despise this moment where my heart aches.... bleeding silently.... leaving me all drenched in blood, bleeding to death for eternity....

the pain... this pain....

strong hold on me...

help me, someone, anyone...

i need an outlet.. I need to be set free....

drugged up....

I feel drugged up... my hands are tremoring, i feel flat... I don't feel me...
I hate my meds... but they are what's sustaining me from falling deeper into the deep abyss of depression... they are what's stabilising my fluctuating moods.... they are what's keeping me sane.... and they are kept being increased....

is it really alright? to be on so much meds? I don't even feel as if I really am sick....

is this denial? not feeling like my sickness is real? is there really a need to individualise, to personalise my illness? or is it so used to me by now that it's deeply ingrained in me as part of who i am instead of a separate identity termed mental illness?

self discovery?

perhaps these lingering feelings are such really is due tot he fact that I am not ready to let go yet. true, there may be many ways of looking at it... J calls it low self esteem, C calls it escapism... JN says that perhaps it's really the attention that I get from playing the sick role that has sustained this love hate relationship of mine with good ole depression and anxiety.... that everything is deep rooted within me... a childhood scared by memories that were never meant to be....

perhaps.... perhaps I am just a rambling lunatic who is having too much energy and has no other ways to amuse herself, to fill her time other than to make herself suffer.... perhaps i really do love misery... Rev was right all along? that after such a big turn round the garden, i am still ending up in the same place that I first started....?

i dno't know how to explain, I don't know how to describe all these.... I must say that I do agree to a lot of what people say... but is it so because I doubt myself? how much what is laid in front of me that i really take it as real?

I am loosing my sense of judgement.... I am loosing my personality...
and i am afraid... that I am loosing me....

am i afraid to get better as getting better is defined by letting go of the person that I've been for so so long? or is it really that attention factor that is holding me back? I don't know.....

being sick....

i am tired of being sick, tired of being tired... i really feel like giving up sometimes.... but i know deep down it's not worth it... but then, then again, i really don't know what to expect from myself, what to do with all these overwhelming feeligns of self destruction...

I know i am going round and round in circles... barely touching the root of the problem... but what can i do when all that i've ever done has been in vain? what more can i give? perhaps my struggle is but nurturing this angry beast within me... perhaps then the wiser would be to give up... then it'll be easier as well...

i know this is nonsence as how society has led us all to believe... that self destructive thoughts are unhealthy, are insane... but what more can i say? as compared to living daily in pain? what more can i say? can i really say that life is fufilling? can i say that i am living the life that i want? that i's ok to be in constant pain?

it's been so long... again and again it has returned... i am so tired, i don't know what else to do anymore... i just want to close my eyes and forget about everyhting... if that's possible, I will certainly do so... I am jsut so tired of everything... everything is a chore... everything is getting to me...

I want ot sleep now... sleep forever maybe...

med cocktail...

I'm not complaining...
I'm too tired to complain anymore anyway....

the last i checked...
I was on: epilim 500mg
risperdal 0.5-1.0mg (as and when needed)
seroquel 25mg (as and when needed)

after today.....
and additional member to the list: lexapro 0.5mg

I'm too tired to even care anymore...

Missing Home...

it's funny, it's been at least one and half years since i first landed in Melbourne and only now that I am missing home? this is ridiculous! yea, but it's true.... right now, I want to be at home, of all the places in the world, i want to be at home in my bed, with my mom and around me, to fight with my brother over the smallest of issues and show him how brainless he is (hugs, you're not really brainless bro, it's just an expression), and talk to my grandmother.....

I am missing home terribly...

I amfeeling lost and alien here in this big place all by myself... perhaps it's me who is simply jsut feeling a little insecure and is not quite accepting the fact that I have lived on my own, away from my family for so long.... reality kicking in...

I won't be home for chinese new year next year too....

funny, other than the food and the pocket money, have never really been a big fan of festives, but this time, I feel a sudden sadness, slowly crawling over me....

perhaps it cos this time around I would be away from home on a two year stretch, or even perhaps it's cos my 21st birthday will be on the first day of chinese new year and i will be spending it alone... not that many people will remember anyway... two big things happening on the same day and I will be all alone....

maybe I am jsut dramatising everything, I am just simply being melodramatic... but somehow, life is moving on so fast that I don't seem to be really catching up with it...

I feel left behind....

I feel lonely.... afraid.... I wanna crawl into a corner and cry.....

I am being pathetic.... but this is me....

raw and bear for all to see, to scrutinize....

vulnerable...

rambling on....

two attacks in two days!

what more can i say? severe?
I'm functioning.... well, at least during the day i am... but not at night, definitely not at night...
from talking at a speed of a 100kph, to now, tired, exhausted, worn out....
what is this anyway?

you're sick... can't do nothing about it...

yes, perhaps I am...
to be how I am now, not functioning as I should, perhaps I really am sicker than I thought I am. I hate this me that is not responding to my meds, that is finding destructive ways to cope with life... I hate this me who can't even smile and mean it... it's all so fake... it's all puting up a show and nothing else...

he said that I am sick, so I can't help it... i am sick and therefore I am feelign the way that i am... he's acknowledging it... I hate this.... I hate people who are in denial but part of me wants to remain in denial that everything's fine, that everything's alright when it's obviously not...

it hurts.. so much... but there isn't anything that I can do about it... nothing other than keep hoping that it'll not last long...

i fell, hit the ground and now i've started diggin...

i did something that i vowed not to do anymore....
yes, I did it... it was too much energy pent up inside me... i had to release it... somehow, one way or another....

no time for regrets... no time to wallow in self pity that i've fallen once again...
question is, shall i continue digging or should i stop myself now and start climbing uphill once again? am i prepared to face this all over again? am i willing to succumb myself to this vigorous uphill crawl all over again?

perhaps I should just let myself free fall... it's easier... and it's tempting...

can i be strong? will i be found out that i've relapsed? am i writing all these here because subconsciously I want to be found out and rescued? or perhaps I am just an attention seeker like how a lot of people see me as....

should have known when i started getting better faster than i anticipated... faster than what people expected.... should have caught the signs and slowed down before my brakes failed to work and crash....

and now I've crashed....

hurting and in pain from the sores that can never be seen by the naked eye... sores and wounds that will only come to light under much scrutinity....

I am so great a pretender that everything will seem fine...
in the end the clown cries only to himself and no one else....

i am diggin my way downwards... have i reach the sixth feet or is my current position even lower?

it's tempting, to go that far once again....

it's a journey that I came back from, vowed not to readventure... but it was tempting and still is...

wandering at the crossroad.... everyway points home, but no way will lead me to....

i am killing myself.... have my insides rot away, giving way to nothing-ness...
slowly, gradually... but surely....

it's that feeling again...

lower, lower... bam! and I hit the ground...

it's been a few days, no? perhaps a few weeks since the swings came back? right now, it feels as if life's not worth living anymore... too much of a hassle to live and fight this whatever challenge one may want to call it...

how should I do it now? can have the conventional way or should i be creative? hmm... let me see, what are the ways that if I do will garuntee that I'll succeed? what are the ways that will not hurt me or anyone else...? wait, a lot of people are angry and disappointed at me anyway, so why should I care? what is there to care when the world turns its back on you?

bad bad me... thoughts... overwhelming... if only I can pen down all these emotions welling up inside me... if only that is possible.... but i can't... I am faced with a huge roadblock and I don't seem to be able to find my way around it... help me... help this helpless me...

what a true hypocrite am i, there I am telling my friend that it's not worth being suicidal, that it's simply not worth an action to take, that we all love you, bla bla bla... when I myself feel like crap too...

i am just wallowing in self pity

I am not pretending and it's not like i didn't mean what i said when i said that to her... just that, I know better, that it's not as simple. nothing's that simple... it just appears so when you're the one talking and not the one experiencing.

I don't know what to say anymore...

I am lost... alone..

Anger?

dedicating this post to anger, rage... whatever you wanna call it... that fiery feeling inside that is making your insides burst, that is at the same time suffocating.....

I am angry that I have to put in more effort than a lot of people when it comes to dealing with life due to my inability to cope well with changes and adjustment. Everything seems to take so much energy from me, especially on days when I don't have much to spare.

I am angry that I keep swaying to and fro from being happy to depressed and back again. I need some balance, some stability in my life. But sometimes it seems like all that I ever have is instability. I am always caught in the middle of my moodswings. Yes, impulsivity and ever-changing is not boring, is interesting. But then, it's not really so when I am not in control in deciding if I were to be in a cherry and jumpy mood or otherwise. No, it's not so interesting after all when it's unpredictable even to the person concern.

I am angry at my moodswings being violent and distrupting to my daily life, as well as it being persistent. It's been so long that sometimes I wonder if it's already become what defines me, part of who I am. It's slowly becoming a love hate relationship that I needed it to know that I am still me for I have lost touch with the me without any of these nonsense, yet at the same time, I hate it just so so much.

I am angry at my own inability to fight the moods and the anxiety like everyone else always giving in when I get all stressed out. I should be so used to it by now after many years of living with it to know how to deal with it, or at least, live around it. It's not like it's something new altogether, yet I still can't cope well with what I should have had so much practice on by now.

I am angry that I have to rely on medication to function in daily life. It makes me anxious thinking about the fact that if I were to go off the medication, will it also means reverting back to that unfunctioning state I was not so very long ago?

I am angry at myself for being the unfeeling person that I usually am. For behind this calming facade of mine is a crazy girl bawling her eyes out but would never admit her fading sanity. I am not true to myself.

I am angry at not fending for myself when I should, instead, always just giving in to pessivitism. I hate confrontation, and therefore, it's easier to agree than to disagree, but then, it really isn't the best way to live my whole life.

I am angry at dad for not being here now. Where are you? Both of you?

another day...

the meds are stoping me from feeling too low.. but i am still feeling a little low... still feeling unreal... still feeling sad at night... sad and miserable... as if i don't deserve to live at all... and i truly hate it just so very much.... so so much...

don't come near me... don't leave me... in the end, i could never figure out what i really want... what i truly want out of this life, out of my life... i thought i did, i really thought i did know... and that feeling felt so real.... but i guess, it was real then and only then....

i like his way of making things not complicated... i like his approach of making things appear less serious... but half of me feels stupid when i have to call him or see him for a problem.... makes me feel small... inadequate..... needy.... still very much a child with immature decision making skills and approach to life changes.... perhaps i really still am a child... a child who had to grew up too fast and when i have a chance to stop this accelerated growth for one moment to rejoin my peers, i've forgotten about my own capabilities.... i'm asking too much from myself.... i am being too much of a perfectionist....

perhaps if i were to be able to take things simply... to not complicate things with my strife for perfectionism.... perhaps then things would be better for me.... perhaps then life would be much more enjoyable....

need to know that life is not meant to be perfect....
perfect is boring.....

and i laugh my guts out....
and tears start rolling down my cheeks....

crying for this pain within me... the hurt, the injury within me that will take a long long time to heal... that is, if it were to heal....
crying for feeling lonely in a crowd... alone in my jaded world...

i'm whiny... but right now, that's what I'll be... just for now...
tired... so very very tired....
waiting...

feeling down

there are so many things that needs to be done, but i just can't find the concnetration, nor can i find the mood to do it... feels like i am falling back into the dark trap of not caring again... perhaps it was never meant to be... the improvement... I should have known better than to have my hope up high....

I always fall back down....
Always....

i hate myself so so much... being lost and confused and living in a a world that permits not confussion... I just hate this so much that i wanna run and run away and hide in a place where I'll be safe..... anything to be safe... I'll give that much to be....

my mind is acting out... it's tired of following the unwritten rules of society that defines sanity... perhaps I wonder, just for a while... that perhaps it would be better loosing it than clinging on to it and suffer the pain...

perhaps if i were to throw away this pride and let the darkness devour me... savouring me till I am one with it... perhaps then my life will not be filled with the pain that it is now, defending myself against insanity....

it's tempting, to give in to insanity.... it's calling out my name, welcoming me with open arms into its sweet adobe..... letting myself loose and be one with the one thing that i've resisted for so long... it's a battle of persistance and resistance.... how long it'll keep luring me... and how long I'll keep myself from being lured into it's fangs of devastation....

i want to cry out in sorrow of the pain felt... from an invisible dagger plunged deep into my heart... i want to heal, but there exists hindrance.... there exists a roadblock so huge that i just can't ignore it's existance.... not any longer....

i seek refuge in my studies... yet, it's being slowly taken away from me.... day by day, i loose more and more of my passion... i've become uncaring... i'm loosing who i am, loosing my purpose in life.... i cry out but there is no one to lend me a hand... no one to believe this slacker of me... no one to understand....

alone i stand, against the world outside....
inside my shell i practice and rehearse over and over again, preparing myself for the world outside....
for i have not one to provide myself shelther other than me alone...
yet i don't wanna give up just yet...

is it a stupid thing to do?
to hang on to something that i shouldn't even contemplate hanging onto?
is it something only a fool would do?
for i am a fool... perhaps... jsut perhaps this is what i live for...

live to live a life....
yet, for so many times and yet again...

living never equals alive....
being alive simply means that you're not dead...
to live means more than that...
requires more than that....

is it something that i can give??

have no idea...

will not have...

perhaps...

for eternity...

心を痛い

ドラマの一リトルの涙を見たこともう三回があるんですけど、毎回もとても感動する。
私もずっと「如何してこの精神病気は私を選んで？」そう思う。
時々、私も知らなかったわよ、私の活きているの意味・・・
もう長い間だた・・・
もう精神医学者に会った、薬を飲んだ・・・
心理療法もした・・・
如何して今までまだ病気なの？
治療法があるんですけど、如何してまだ元気に成らない？
治るかどうか分からないから、怖いよ！
こんなの生活は活きたくない！

私、もっと強くに成ろうと思う・・・
でも、もう力がないし、絶望的になったし・・・
自殺をするほうがいいですか？

Only Human

作詞: 小山内舞　　　作曲：松尾潔・田中直

悲しみの向こう岸に
微笑みがあるというよ

悲しみの向こう岸に
微笑みがあるというよ
たどり着くその先には
何が僕らを待ってる？

逃げるためじゃなく　　夢追うために
旅に出たはずさ　　遠い夏のあの日

明日さえ見えたなら　　ため息もないけど
流れに逆らう船用に
今は　　前へ　　進め

苦しみの尽きた場所に
幸せが待つというよ
僕はまだ探している
季節はずれの向日葵

こぶし握りしめ　　朝日を待てば
赤い爪あとに　　涙　　キラリ　落ちる

孤独にも慣れたなら
月明かり頼りに
羽なき翼で飛び立とう
もっと　　前へ　　進め

雨雲が切れたなら
濡れた道　　かがやく
闇だけが教えてくれる
強い　　強い　　光
強く　　前へ　　進め

help me....

someone...anyone...

pain

if tears can wash away this pain...
if i can smile happily once i again...
perhaps it's worth it a try at life one more time...
perhaps then it'll be alright...

i don't wanna go through this any more... it's one too many times already...
feeling like it's time to take a rest, to give in to the darkness...
let the all consuming pain engulf me...
as i vanish off the surface of this earth...
this earth that I never once belong in...
fill this empty being of mine with emotions that are just simply alien to me...
for i am no longer my own being...
i've lost in this battle to reclaim myself....
perhaps it's alright now to give in....
to give up...


Aozora 2nd Performance by Uno

and so you think that the demons have left?

no, they haven't, probably never will either...
it's not me overcoming them... but rather, living at peace with them...
and yes, I still get the attacks now and then... and they are still as real as it can get... and it still hurts each time they come... hurts so much...

this fluctuation, my momentary insanity...
I hate it, hate it so much... yet, it's there...

perhaps I have none other to blame but myself and my own stupidity...
perhaps I should have accepted whatever C suggested and stop complaining and stop asking questions that no one has any answers to anyway...

why has it happened? I don't know, he doesn't know... no one knows...
should I jsut accept it? I jsut feel as if something really is missing... but what??

hate this fluctuating moods... hate it simply too much... but yet, I cna't really do anything, can I?
nothing but sit and wait and ride it through...

I wish i can cry...

move on...

to understand the pain, the anguish... it takes one who knows it to fully comprehend the unspeakable distress that one can be in...

i wanted to run away... run so far away... and thus, i left, i left the room which gave me unsettling feelings... i fled the room which in my flawed mind was seen as a big red danger sign...

i am but a coward after all...

and this was yesterday morning...

after so long, the culprit is still the same...
it pains me to see that it will never budge...
that it will always be here within me, part of me...

then again, wasn't i the one who says that i'm gonna accept it all? that i will look at this issue not through the pair of grey tainted lens? that i will be accepting of myself and all that comes along with it? what then, have i done by panicking?
what then have i done by freaking out?

perhaps this is but a step backwards...
and i will move on again...

sanity fading...

writing is making me feel alive, make me feel like i really am living, a feeling otherwise unknown to me...

it's been a while since I last spoke to her... and yet, not a day go by without me thinking of our memories together... memories that she felt tainted by tears and pain... a tapestry paint in crimson tears that holds only pain and suffering...
yet, through my eye, it was not so...

perhaps it's just me... who lives blinded by life's truth...

I am being emotional... a little irrational... I know.
yet, I don't really feel like holding back my sorrow...
don't feel like pretending that everything's fine when it's obvious that it's not...
yes, I don't feel like keeping it inside... for it's suffocating... these emotions...

i need to cry, I need a release...
I need to feel once more...
this pain inside of me... denied of it's existance is frantically crying out for attention...
I can't ignore it much longer...
yet, by doing so, does it means that I will have to give up what I hold dear to my heart? that I will have to give up what I've strived hard for? whatever accomplishments I've made while journeying through insanity and back will all go to waste? that I will have to start all over again from the very begining?

no, this is not what i want....
I am more persistant than this...
yet, the moodswing's are back...
and it's getting disturbing...

i don't want to falter in my belief in my self-worth...
I want to hold onto the me who can do so much... who can give so much...

perhaps I am just asking too much of myself...
perhaps I am just pushing myself simply too much...
yet, if not this path, what other roads is there for me to take?
if not this journey, what else lies ahead of me?
I don't know...

the unknown always frightens me... scares me...
I am but a slave to my fears...
I want to break free...
to be a master of myself...
but yet, can I?
all these times, all these futile attempts at setting myself free...
not once I've succeeded...

I am loosing my ability to think.. to sort my thoughts...
I thought that keeping myself busy would solve my problems...
perhaps I am jsut too naive...

if only things were that simple...

I am simply going over and over again about my moodswings, about my whirlpool of emotions... like a broken record, going on for eternity....

someone, please stop me, anyone... stop me...
stop my sanity from fading...
stop this hope of recovery that I hold dearly to to stay visible...
as I loose sight to what I can be... to what I hope to be...
slowly, gradually, surely...

fading...

time

time is passing by so fast...
I need to write and write and keep on writing to know that this is the present...
to know that I've lived
to show that I am still living....

feeling disconnected from reality...
feeling unreal...

I know, it's always the same
my emotions are always the same...
yet it is something that I just can't seem to handle well...
not that I cna handle a lot of things well anyway...
just that after so long, I ought to not be surprised about it...
I ought to be able to deal with it in daily living...

it's just repetitive posting of the same emptiness inside..
a void that nothing seems to be able to fill it...

Love will keep us alive ~Eagles~

空虚

睡觉醒来后，心情依然是灰灰的……
是我做得不够好吗？是我不够乖，上天要惩罚我吗？
情绪不稳，是我的错吗？
处了忍耐、接受……
我还是得忍耐、接纳这离完美离得太离谱的自己……
可以做的到的，我都已做了。
心情却仍旧是沉重的。
到底错在哪儿呢？

其实，我想要的是什么呢？
曾经以为，能够微笑的度过每一天，我就足够了……
但，问心一句，真的是足够吗？
完美主义者的我，真的能够就这样觉得满足吗？
我真的可以吗？
真的能够抛开完美注意的个性吗？

不知道了……

最近，发现对自己的事情慢慢地变得越来越搞不明白了……
仿佛，自己变成了另一个人，一个自己根本就不认识的人了。
这变化，是好的吗？还是不好的呢？
这自己，是真实的吗？是虚假的吗？
分不清了……
在真与假的境界里，我已经划不清界限很久很久了……

心里隐隐作痛……
虽然并不是剧烈的疼痛，但却是足以将一个好端端的人折磨得每日以泪水过日子的……
更何况，我和其他的人根本就比不上……
我到底能够再撑多久呢？
我还能够坚强多久呢？
能够为自己做到的，除了默默的忍受，还是忍受！
而最近，以往诉苦的对象已变得再也不能够以坦诚对待的人了，就为了工作两个字……
不能够让他知道自己正在为了每日的生活而挣扎着……
更不能够让他知道，自己被情绪纠缠的日子，已经再次的开始了，而这次的折磨，不知会次序多久……一天？两天？一周？一个月？
到底，为了工作而放弃诉苦的对象，值得吗？
为了让别人对自己另眼相看，放弃对自己的心情坦诚、直率，值得吗？

觉得自己好假……
觉得自己只懂得带着面具面对待人生……
觉得自己蛮可怜的……
因为，我已失去了自己……

迷失了方向的羔羊，如果没有人察觉它不见了而四处去寻找它，它有能力自己回家吗？

还是无题……

有好多好多的情绪想要发泄，但该往哪儿发泄呢？
情绪好不平衡，真的真得让我不知所措了……
好害怕黑暗的来临，但没有了黑暗，没有了夜晚，又怎么来的光明呢？
在情绪的十字路口上，我迷失了方向……
总觉得自己不够好，总觉得自己是蛮差劲的……
这样长年累月对自己的指责，虽打从心里不想再继续下去，但却没有“改变”的勇气……
也许是因为太适应了……

不想这样下去了！
但又能够如何呢？

想要变成胡蝶的我，依然还是只毛毛虫……
还要将幸福快乐带给身旁的人的我，依然只能够让人因为我而受伤……
想做得和能够做的到的，一点也不一致……
觉得自己一个人的时候，更别人在一起的时候，最善于变化……
整个人假假的……
哪儿个是真实的自己，已经在也分不出了……
好可怕的一个事实……
但最终还是个事实……
这条路好漫长，让我都快了坏了，但除了走，还是要走……

无题

真的真的好害怕，害怕会将事情通通搞得一塌糊涂的……
但，害怕有用吗？会使得事情一切顺顺利利地进行吗？
不会，一点都不会……
我需要平静下来，让自己有些呼吸的空间……
停下来，思考思考，然后再继续上路……
但，为何，这一切我都知道，但却一点儿也办不到！
心情依然是乱乱的……
更是害怕的……
到底我是真么搞的，我已经不懂了……
在这人山人海的城市里，我已迷失了自己……
没有了呼吸的空间，更没有了停下来休息的余地……
迷惑在人类的繁忙中……

have i gone overboard?

am I doing the right thing? by taking actions as such? am just simply prying into other's privacy? what is all this caring and being nice to others?
am I really that nice? or am I just someone who's doing all these in hope that people will think that I am a caring person... it's like you're doubting yourself over everything you do and have done....

will I be actually repeating the same mistake as i have the last time i got worried?

senseless....

emotions they come and they go...
sometimes I really do wonder what is reality....
it's not like i am feeling estremely low or something like that, but it's jsut subtle emotional pain that keeps nagging at me.... pain that will never go away for as long as live... perhaps it really is so.... always in me... pain that defines me...

or have i just simply fallen into the trap of playing the sick role? wanting to be cared for... wanting to be weak just so people would stop and ask how am i doing...
then again, wasn't I the one who truly hate being that way? am I not the one who wants to get stronger? to be better?

to not falter in my beliefs that "I can" and "I will"?

J said that he would like to hear about me from me... not others... not through people who grew concern over me falling back to being sick and weak... that he wants to know if anything is wrong through my mouth... through me telling him... that he knows that I hide things... that he knows that I don't tell him stuff....

but I can't be crying to people everytime i feel down, can I? especially when these feeligns are jsut so momentarily.... when it's all just that spur of a moment... it's not like it's lingering for ever... it's just at that time....

yes, I know... no matter how bad it gets... no matter how intolerable it feels and it seems... it is but a moment's worth of feelings....

moodswings.. or so it is called....

I really can't and shouldn't be complaining... I have so much... yet this pain....
doesn't this sentence just sound all too familiar?
this is what emotional pain is....
you wanna make sense of it but it's just one thing that can never be made sense of....

I am just ranting, venting... going on and on about non-sensical issues that are not even supposed to be bothering me...

I need to stay focus but my mind feels all mush up... as if it's melting away...
nights when I lie in my bed, curled up into a ball... wishing that things would end..... that has never left me... it's still here, it's still real...
I don't deny it....
but am I really that strong? can I sustain this?
I am not sure myself... but I will try...
it's not time to give up yet...

yet, sometimes, it's just so hard... to keep up with time, to keep up with my wandering thoughts.... as I loose myself in the realm of imagination....

where reality and ideal intertwined....
where emotions facilitates...
me, myself... entwined.....

the greatest gift

today, you gave me the best thing that you can ever give....
the gift of acceptance....

I feel acknowledged, accepted, understood.... it's as if the barrier that has been long standing for eternity has been broken by your simple act of motherly love...
it's not that you never loved me, no not that.. cos I know you do... and deeply too...
it's more of accepting me as who i am... flaws and all...
looking at me straight in the eye, not runnning away from the fact that I am less than perfect....

that is more than I could ever ask for....

I feel as if a strong pillar of strenght has been set up inside me... a pillar of strenght made of love... tha tI will not falter under your wings... that you'll be there, forever with open arms when I get tired and need a rest... until I can take flight once again in search of my dreams....

mom, thank you....
and I love you....

I don't want things to fall apart....

but somehow or rather, I am warry of that...
for I myself am falling apart....
bits and pieces of me...
slowly, gradually... surely....

can I ask for help when I don't even stand up in seek of assistance?
who am I yet again to ask of assistance when I so strongly want to be left alone to my own devices... if only "believe in yourself" really does work....
so many "if only's".....

alone i stand under this moonlit night... tears flow down my eyes....

I cried....
a cry of pain.....
of sorrow, of shame....
of anguish, of despair....

am I but playing a loosing game?
loosing my mind...
loosing everything in sight....?

perhaps I really am immatured...
perhaps I really am insane...
perhaps all these while it's only been me who has been trying so desperately to convince myself otherwise...
if only I really can be otherwise...
can i really be? normal?

free of these moodswings?
free of myself, yearning for a tommorow that will never ever come my way?

tears to wash away this pain...

dissociating.... breaking apart....
help me...
hatred, pain... engulfing me...
I need a release, an outlet... to let this all go.... to let myself go...
there is no one that I can tell, no one that I trust enough to tell...
left alone with me and myself and all this anguish that burns deep into my soul....
carving it's existance into my very being....

help me... trapped and alone...
crying in vain... not?
will these tears wash away this pain?
as I regain my stand on this stage called life once again?

a piece of you in me....

I remembered, I recalled... what I never want to... what I would wished I never have to...

that you pushed me that night...
that it was so hard a push that I fell head first onto that solid marble floor...
that it was so painful that I didn't even feel pain....
that in that split second, you've turned into a monster...

that piece of you... that memory of you, still reside in me... even to this day.. two and a half years later...

help me....

please, I hate this fluctuating emotions... I am faltering.. I am falling... anyone, someone, please help me... help me to stay strong, to brave the odds... to ride the waves... so that I am ok...

but then, is there really anyone?
when I myself don't even start helping myself by telling people?

but then, can I really tell? who then, can I tell?

Moodswings...

It's back...
they're back....
and here I am trembling, scared....

denial?

was it really that strange when I laughed when I screwed up for my presentation? why did J see it as me being "high"? why did he presumed that I am in denial of my moods? why is it that people perceive it in that way when all that it is, is simply my own way of coping with failure, for once, not by breaking down......

is it just like what we were taught in lectures? social schemas that people hold onto either consciously or otherwise? why must people hold on to the stereotypical image of how I should be based on past knowledge of who I am? are changes really that insignificant that they are not worth noticing? or is it because the moment there is knowledge as me being a flawed being, there is no turning back in people's perspective... that forever I will be viewed, not matter what I do, what I accomplish, as a fragile being that is prone to breaking down...

why do you all judge me so?
am I really that unreliable?
is it really that impossible for someone like me to change? how then, can you all tell people in my situation that recovery is possible, that it will get better, when the people that we trust the most to believe in us lacks faith the most?

perhaps you were jsut concerned, and I appreciate that... truly.

but I too need to be trusted by, to have someone have faith in me...

it wasn't denial, it was jsut my way of coping... perhaps there is a little denial, but definitely, it's not as how you think I am....

truth is, it did hurt, a lot... failure always hurts... but i am tryin not to be affected by it... tryin really hard... really really hard... I don't want to fall back into the hole from which I climbed out of... mistakes may be painful... but the greatest pain is to repeatedly repeat the same mistake over and over again without being able to control it.

I will try to gain control.... no matter what it takes, I refuse to get sick...

positive self talk... research shows it works, but sometimes I can't help but wonder, does it really? does it really apply to everyone? what if I am the odd one out? what if what I ahve is really biological? what if it really is out of my control? what if I am internalizing everything too much?

or am I jsut medicalizing my experiences with emotions?

where is that thin fine line that separates sanity and insanity? who defines it?
perhaps I really have gone crazy....

my shell...

I'm tired, exhausted... so much so that all I wish for is a nice long nap that I will never have to wake up from.... flaurished with dreams of all the things in life that I can never have, that will enver come my way.... how dreams remain dreams...

I am looking at life through my pair of grey shaded glasses again... many would simply comment that it's a choice, MY choice to do so... that it's me who don't want to let go of the me that is depressed... the me that was what clinicians would gladly label as "ill"... but then, what if it's really not my choice....? anyone ever considered that option and stop putting all the blame on me? what if I really can't control it? as I am voicing it out now, is there anyone to believe me? is there anyone to take my words for what it really is?

it's so hard... to live a life not knowing yourself for what you truly are, beneath all the layers, all the mask you put on each day jsut so that you can face the world without tears....

perhaps, it was meant to be an everlasting masquerade ball afterall... of which we change partners, meet new people with new personas at the end of each new tune....

I wanna jsut crawl back to my shell for all i care... it's just getting to become more and more overwhelming and I question my abilities now... right this instant, where do i stand on this scale of stability as defined by everyone else but me... where do I stand?

hate this... emotions are wearing me down... my moodswings are back... paralysing... enough of self pitying... enough of self indulgence in deep depression.... yet, there isn't much that I can do really... perhaps I have just conformed to what the norm says a mental patient should act like... perhaps I've grown so accustomed to being ill, being helpless, being hopeless that the world seems so surreal, seems so strange to me... that it frightens me...

perhaps, it's because being ill is the only identity that I've ever had... that I've ever known myself with.... without my illness, I am no one.... for that I fear... I fear getting well for getting well means loosing a part of me that I've gotten used to for so long... a part of me that makes me me...

irony...

i've worked so hard just to get to where I am... yet deep down I really don't want to be here...

I don't understand... I can't understand... it doesn't make sense....

I jsut want to crawl back into my shell ad sleep for eternity....

him...

sometimes, it makes me wonder... is it really therapy? does he really focus on the psychological part of my problems or is he really the type where he is more into prescribing meds to help with the symptoms. I am not really sure which is which... it's always about meds... it's always like that... it's not that I hate seeing him, it's not that I dread the sessions.... it's not that at all... in fact, I kinda enjoy talking to him, I've learnt a lot that I wouldn't have otherwise, learnt alot about what my text books couldn't teach, learnt a lot about life and living in itself....

yet, time and again, I question... I really do hate this part of me that questions everything that comes in sight.... I keep wondering and seeking answers in areas that perhaps is better left unknown, untouched.... I keep wanting to know more about things that perhaps is just not the right time for me yet... yet, I keep wanting to... I lack the patience that I truly need so badly... I need the wisdom of being able to look at different situations and act accordingly.... I am just too self centred....

we talk about Freud, about his other patients, about so many other things, but never really directly about me... I know well though that no matter how far fetch it all seemed, somehow it's all related to me in one way or another... but it's just that it's always turning around in circles... beating around the bush... it's never directly, simply about me.

perhaps he's doing it for my good, perhaps he is being cautious, not wanting to make me think more that I should, worry more than I already am... perhaps, it's more of wanting me to use my head for once and not just simply rely on everyone else and direct information for answers... perhaps, it's to encourage me... to let me know that I am not alone...

on one hand, I really wished that he would talk to me directly about the issue at hand and not about other things... on the other, I am somewhat greatful that he's not interrogrative.... and doesn't rush me.... where he isn't like Rabin who made it straight to the point, with my file on his desk, wide open and all... and with me selecting my words so that it doesn't end up being scribbled in his file of mine something to show that I've gone insane...

with him, this was never the case.... I can say what I want, when I want, however much I want.... there really is no limit, there really is no rules... it's like talking to a friend who is really well read and patient... it's like I am being given a time space of an hour a month to either be spent venting, or simply listening to stories and reflecting on them....

it is nice in a way....
yea...

I guess, I shouldn't really be thinking so much... in the main thing is still that I don't collapse, that I don't break down... that I will remain sane even when life is trying to convince me to take the other path down insanity....

Madness defined....

what is madness anyway? is it used simply to describe someone who is mentally ill? what then constitutes to the whole definition of it when it simply only takes in one-sided stories of people who are mad? is it so that just because these people, these presumably "mad" people would and shall have no say in this due to the fact that "autonomy" don't play a valid role in their lives in the eyes of others?

so then, is madness simply a term coined up and is socially defined?

or can madness be a form of introspective speculation of oneself? a sort of perception that people who are "mad" come about themselves? perhaps then, they wouldn't be really "mad", would they, perhaps then they might actually turn out to be more clear cut in their perception and senses of this world, more rational as they are able to see from a perspective that most of us would never dream of seeing, not to say, rather, not wanting to see....

the world through the eyes of the presumably mentally ill might in fact be much much more real than the presumably real world that we are told we live in today... perhaps those living in a state of hallucinations and delusions are actually those who are really aware of what life is... not so much of us being those who are aware...

madness...

just because someone goes and kill himself, is that madness?
just because someone's ideas are different from the norm, is that madness?

what is there is a legitimate reason behind all these that we just wouldn't accept?
would it be then that we are really the ones who are mad?

寝たくない！

今日、寝たくない・・・
目を閉じたら、悪い記憶が憶えているから。
痛いよ、不幸な幼年時代の記憶を憶える時。
忘れたい！全部で忘れたい！
新しいの人生が活きたいから・・・
でも、この事ができる？
力がないの私・・・大嫌い！

精神医学者に会って、薬を飲んで
毎日自分の気分を守ってみる・・・
私、良い子成った。
もう一年間だった・・・
如何してまだ病気なの？
何時か元気になるかしら？

怖いよ・・・
厭だよ！

it's only disconnection that I feel

I feel disconnected from my life, this world... it's as if I am living in a dream... where everything is surreal.... it's like i live moment to moment discontinueingly... there is not link between yesterday, today, tommorow... everyday is different and yet everyday is the same... there is no progression, no regression... just mundane life with it's ups and downs that are all so familiar to me now....

it doesn't make sense... this emptiness that i feel... tha ti've fought hard against... it's intimidating... for I jsut can't surpass it's powerful stance that renders me motionless... that paralyses my soul.... taking away my will, my life... along with hopes and dreams that once seemed so real.... as reality fades and insanity invades....

I know not about who I am or what I am here for... everything is in a midst.... everything is starting to make less and less sense to me as time goes on... I really should be feeling awful and depressed... perhaps then will this feelings make sense to my nonsensical life.... but then, now as I am able to perceive the glass as half full, I am in but utter dismay to find myself at wits end to enderstand my very own existance on this planet called Earth....

it's all not making sense....

nothing is wrong... in fact, everything is going great... the only problem is that I am not emotionally present in this life that I've wished for for so long... this life where I have a role to play... this me that I have yearned to become have since then appeared to me a shell... containing no soul.... my soul has set sail on a voyage to an unknown land... hoping to find this thing called "feeling''....

I am but a lone ranger on my journey in search of myself....
knowing well that I will never ever find me again....
once shattered a vase will never be made whole..... together may the pieces be put... yet forever the cracks my past shall be reminded....

I am not making any sense.... I will be considered lucky even if one small portion of this is viewed as coherent.... cos I don't feel much coherence now... I feel separated... I feel disorganised.... a being alive yet not living... oh how familiar this phrase sounds... as if it's songs to my ears with the flowing past of years and sands of time.... a song of melancholy and sadness, peacefullness turned emptiness.... the song of an empty shell of a person....

yes... living yet not a live...
alive yet not living....

like a broken record.... with screeching sounds of a song that will never again be complete.... never again will it play that once melodious tune as it gives in to the darkness that is all consuming....

my mind is killing me

i don't want to go on.... it's hard... so hard...
yet I don't want to leave everything unfinished....
don't want to just give up....

I want to stand strong and brave the mighty winds of change....
but fear, oh all consuming and powerful...
I have sadly succumbed to thee....

How can I?

yes, I am feeling a little scared about falling back down.... feeling scared about going back to how I was.... and I really don't want... yet, I can only do with what ever I've got.... it's starting again, I know... deep down, I really know... but I cannot tell anyone... I don't want to tell...

part of me knows I can be strong... and that part of me is oh so reluctant to tell anyone... fear of people not trusting em... fear of people questioning my capabilities... I know... I know.... I am simply pushing my limits... I am testing myself.... I am taking a risk that makes me wonder if it's a worthwhile risk to take afterall.....

how can I possibly tell?

on another note... results came out...
and again, how can I tell her that I have one more subject's result witheld?
how can I? it would make her emotions go haywire all in a day....
I don't want her to hate me... love is all that I crave for....

in a crowd I stand... all alone this world I face...

I hate this lingering loneliness that is trying its very best to get the better of me...

this empty sensation is begining to feel all so overwhelming once again, as I slowly drift off into the other side of the world, to a world that only I exists.... no, this is not loneliness.... this is jsut being alone....

loneliness is when no matter how many people are around you, you still feel like you're the only one left standing there, having to face a world that you dread facing.... a world that only you reside in and yet that is the very fact that you simply hate so very much....

I hate being who I am...
and sometimes, I truly wonder, truly truly wonder why is it that I am still alive now... what is it that has held me together... my very broken shattered self that should have been lost long ago with the sands of time... why is it that I am still here? is this a blessing or a curse...?

sure, everyone would say that to live is the best thing in life... greet each morning with a bright smile and live life to the fullest... but then again, sometimes, it hurts so much... it jsut hurts so so much.... it's not fair to have anyone for that matter to be in this much pain... no one should be living in constant pain... what's more when it's a pain that can neither been seen nor eased.... no, it can't be.... it's a part of who I am... this pain, this despair... it's my identity...

it's not that I am trying to play the victim in everything... it's not for attention... it's jsut plain expression... an expression of my feelings... telling of a story.... story of a girl so emotional driven, yet void of feelings....

it is possible you know, to be both filled with emotion and yet void of feelings at the same time.... it's possible....

and that possiblity is me...

numbness has been my long time friend now.... one that will never leave me...

perhaps, it's better this way... to be how I am no matter how much I despise this me... this person who is just plain existing, nothing more, nothing less.... existing cos she no longer have the courage to do otherwise.... she can't die, therefore she has got to live.... but then, living is not really defined by plain breathing now... is it? not for me anyway at least....

conversation between me and myself... 2

1: heya... the penguins were cute, weren't they?
2: yea..... they are so so very small...
1: not to forget that they are also loving towards their offsprings... see how the parents bring food back for the baby penguins...
2: now where did that come from? are you trying to talk about my family again?
1: ermm... yea... can't I?
2: no... why are you so intrigued by the fact that I don't hate dad?
1: cos you're a master in burying emotions, that's why...
2: but like I said, it's over ages ago... and I am just not angry at all... neither do i hate him...
1: why then do you run away from that topic? why then do you always feel unwell when it comes to talking about him? why is it that you always end up feeling empty deep down inside wishing that you are anywhere but here? I know cos I know you best...
2: I feel empty all the time anyway.... what difference does it make? besides, feeling empty is better than feeling so overly anxious and all...
1: but were you not the same person who protested when your meds made you numb? were you not again the same person who was feeling less than human cos you feel like you are void of feeling? you are confused!
2: yes, I know I am all messed up and confused... but it's not like I want to be this way... I jsut am... I just happened to be screwed up in the head, ok?
1: you're playing the role of the victim now... get a grip on yourself and stop blaming things on others... you too hold a certain amount of responsibility.... you stop yourself from feeling... that's not helping at all... though it's true that you may not be getting worse, you're remaining stagnant in one place as well.... to live is to feel... that's what define us as humans....
2: but emotions are dangerous... you can get hurt.... and i don't wanna get hurt...
1: i know what you mean... but you have got to come out of your shell sometime... so why not try now? if you keep waiting for a safe time, that time will never come....
2: I jsut want to be loved and not hurt.... i just want to forget... I just want to be okay....
1: yes, i know... i know it hurt so much.... i know you hated who you are and you still do... I know you don't want to feel this way... I know you're doing this to block it out... to stop the pain... but this is life... you need to free yourself from what's holding you back.... don't let your past define the boundaries in your life... you're no longer a child, no one can hurt you now... no one...
2: i miss dad... both of them.... and i envy those who can say the word "dad" so easily... so simply, needing not much rehersal... not like me... it sounds foreign... unknown to me... that even if it pops up in the middle of a conversation with friends, it sounds strange... I just want to not have to feel embarassed with that simply a noun....
1: *hugss* you have mom....
2: I know I am selfish, but it's just a wish i can never talk myself out of wishing it true... though I know fairly well that it's nothing but a dream, but more of a lie really... me just lying to myself.... well, the only way to not feel this longing is to not remember... see... I have everything under control... when I don't remember, I don't have to go through the pain of longing for something that will never come....
1: isn't that denial? isn't that running away? there, you see... you not feeling is not a consequence of being medicated... it's you shutting off from emotions... too afraid... to scared... in hiding...
2: sigh...

to be continue.... thinking again....

conversation between me and myself...

1: let's talk about dad...
2: what about him?
1: what do you think of him? you know... him being near non-existant in your life?
2: hmm... nothing much really... can't recall much of him... besides, it's been so many years... can we talk about something else?
1: so what if it's been years? why don't you wanna talk about him? you're always changing the topic when we talk about him...
2: well, it's nothing really about him.... he was irresponsible, didn't pay for my fees, blah blah blah... you know, the usual... just like any father character in messed up families... really...
1: you sound so, un-bothered..
2: cos I am!
1: you sure about that?
2: yea..... it's been years since the last time I saw him... don't even remember how he looks like... why do I want to bother myself with someone who was never present?
1: you sound angry... do you hate him? or are you angry at him?
2: erm, not really... why?
1: you sure you're not angry or anything?
2: should I be? being angry and all takes up so much energy... it's not worth my trouble... like I say, it's been a long long time... does it even matter? besides, I've moved on.... I've forgotten about him...
1: or is it that you don't want to remember?
2: I really can't recall... besides, there is no point in recalling anyway... why dwell in the past...? isn't that what I've been taught? that I should move on? that I shouldn't be lingering in the past and drown myself with 'woe is me's?
1: yea, it's true that you should move on... but aren't you missing something here? you're moving on without actually letting go...
2: huh?
1: while it's good that you're not dwelling in the past, you are not really out of it yet.... the past still haunts you.... that's why you don't want to talk about your dad... you don't feel comfortable... it hurts....
2: don't try and pretend that you know everything....
1: true, I don't know everything, but hey, at least I know something... and that is that you are hurting yet not admitting..... and you don't even realise that yet...
2: I am fine, not hurting or anything.... see, I am functioning...
1: are you really? then what is it all about during times when you are overwhelmed? during times when you don't feel real? isn't that too much emotions and too little?
2: what has that gotta do with my past and not wanting to talk about dad?
1: well, it has everything... you don't wanna feel anger and hatred cos you don't want to be reminded of him... cos feeling takes up too much energy and it hurts, you shut yourself off from feeling completely... rendering you incapable of handling your own emotions....
2: so? what is knowing that gotta change? my life is still pretty messed up... besides, it's easier not to be angry...
1: then, the next question is that are you really not angry?
2: what do you mean? you see me gettin angry?
1: that's the problem... you don't get angry at all... you may burst out with rage once a while... but that's when you're in a really bad mood... when your anger is not rationalised.... you are a stranger to anger even when in right times... that's cos you can't feel... you don't want to feel... you're like a void... or rather... as it hurts too much, you've chosed to become a void...
2: this is ridiculous! I despise being empty above all things... yet you say that it's my choice?
1: yes, it is... sub-consciously... don't you find yourself often thinking... especially when you are having one of your racy thoughts moments?... that feeling nothing is better than feeling everything? isn't that what you've always wanted in those times?
2: hmm...
1: that's your safety net you see... you use your ability to not feel to protect yourself from harm... you're so accustomed to the emptiness that it's now part of you... you stopped feeling....
2: sigh... that's because it hurts.....
1: yes, it hurts, but it's also you... it's also the truth... it's reality.... to not feel is to not live... there is no such a thing as unfeeling....
2: but being angry is such a hassle.... you'll make people mad and ruin people's day.... people might not like you anymore... then they'll leave you....
1: yes, they days might be ruined.. but how about the days of the people that they've ruined? besides... having a lot of people around does not mean that you have a lot of friends... it's having the right people around that is important....
2: but if i do onto them what bad they have done to others, it'll jsut be a cycle, a viscious cycle...
1: no, by stopping them from doing what they were, that's breaking the cycle...
2: but i'll have to be angry....
1: you scared of being angry? or is it being abandoned and not being agreed with that you are scared of?
2: I... I....

to be continued.... I shall think now....

passive aggressive?

perhaps, I am not much difference from my lil' brother after all.... we're both numb towards our surroundings for more time then not... either way, we don't express, we supress....

I stop feeling when I stop hating dad... I wonder if it's the same for him...
perhaps, hatred might not be as bad an emotions that I was taught it was....
perhaps, it's jsut painful... it's just exhausting...

but it's life... to be able to love as well as hate...
to be able to praise as well as to display anger...

I should start feeling again....

I need to tell myself that it's safe to feel...
I need to start getting used to the fact that feelings and emotions is the essence of life....

Unfeeling...void of all emotions?

perhaps it's the intensity of pain that has caused this, perhaps it's my fear of confrontation, fear of not getting along with others.... fear of others disliking me... and ultimately, fear of abandonment......yes, I fear being alone the most of all...

childhood trauma eh... link it back to what happened... it's always the past, a past that I cannot get out of... that I must not run away from.... a past that I've tried so hard to bury, so hard to forget... thinking that forgeting will make it disapear... thinking that ignorance can lead to eventual disappearance and non-existence of things that hurt... issues that initiate pain...

I'll have to face it whether I like it or not... it's not much of a choice... it's just a matter of time.... just like what C said, it'll not go away... it'll just depend on how this "energy" will be released... where, when, how....

modulation and regulation of emotions.... not good at it at all.... doesn't appeal to me... too much of a hazard it seems to me.... conscious? sub-conscious? I don't know... all that I do know here and now is that it's something that I don't like dealing with... that so many times I have wished this task away.... resulting in the me who is always either unfeeling or feeling so much that I will explode.... all are superficial... this me... this unfeeling of a person.... this me who is a stranger even to my own emotions... too afraid to feel, too afraid to know....

I view emotions as all bad for the fact that pain that comes along with anger has always been unbearable? is that why I shut it off? the reason I am the way I am? tryin to make things right with all the wrong solutions that I can think of? misplaced emotions?

I really can't differentiate eh....

why is it so? why is it that my emotional self so flawed and split? why is there no moderation? why is it always extremes? too much and too little... with no sign of a balance that exists within... there is not a grey spot... only black and white.... good and bad... that is my view... my idea of emotions.... that they are to be all expressed or all supressed....

bad things happen whenever mom and everyone around is angry since young... from being suspended to going to court, the hospital... having all my hopes and dreams shattered right before my eyes.... experiencing pain that is so bad that I end up not even feeling any pain anymore... the begining of shutting down.... the need to shut down in order to protect myself from more harm.... a defense mechanism....

in order to not be reminded of the pain and anguish that tied in with emotions, I block everything.... I tried to erase everything from my system, and when I can't, the least that I can do is by restricting my access to emotions.... to not be reminded of unpleasant past... but it is like a bottle.... it accumulates and eventually, some will spill out... sometimes, it'll explode... and these remnants of the emotion that I try so hard to supress forms the overwhelming feeling that paralyzes me in times of stress.... it's because I am so used to not feeling that when I do feel, everything seems overwhelming... every little aspect of emotions feels too much for me to handle...

fear....
even fear is an emotion....

so, in a way, I am not unfeeling... I am jsut selectively feeling... yet, my selections are not all arounded enough in promoting healthy living.... perhaps, that's what underlying all of these....

finally.... after how many hours???

Freudian?

how did a simple conversation about snakes and bush walking lead to Freud and subsequently led to me being emotional and anxious and all when the subject of my dad or my parents for that matter was brought up? I really don't know... is it me thinking too much? or is it really what he sort of intended to steer the conversation into? but then, he said and made it clear that it wasn't intentional at all.... perhaps I am just querying too much I presume...

the snake represents the phallic? hmm.... interesting... so those who have snake phobia are erm.... hmmm..... and that spiders represent the vulvar? so guys afraid of spiders are homosexuals? that is jsut so... ahem... well, can't say that it's all false and non truth cos there is, if you were to disect the words and search freantically for somewhere, some point to connect... but then again... what is there to back it up? then again, that is the reason why Freud was ridiculed about being overly obsessed with the idea of parental influence, sex and neurosis later in life.... all the psycho-babble is making me nuts.... no wonder i am seeing a psych!

he talked about cathexis, about how energy is never lost, always conserved, same as human emotion, trauma, whatever one may wish to name it.... like when you are angry at your dad, you can't express it freely, so you keep the energy and release it by kicking hard at the football instead...

and then the topic went on to hysteria, conversion... that some people when under overwhelming emotional stress, convert the "energy" and all into physical form... like how someone might be paralysed but without any physical causes, instead, psychological... like trying to run away from something, you don't want to face, so you jsut shut down... and you go on autopilot....

and then dissociation.... that people forget when under extreme stress....

why does it sound so... erm... familiar? as if he's talking about me... way to go my lecturers and my books on stats... thanks for drilling into my thick skull that correlation does not mean causation.... but it's as if I am seeing him unravel the mysteries of my messed up life before my very eyes.... giving an answer to the "whys" that I've so often asked, though not through a generally really pleasant-and-nice-societably-acceptable theoritical explanation. but the hard part is that it all makes perfect sense.... so much so that it's scary that it's not personal anymore.... and yet, it's not supposed to be intentional.... at least that's what he says.... I choose to believe him.... but I can't stop thinking...
I can't help but think... so the saying goes,

"curiousity kills the cat..."

**meow**

I'm dying with information oozing out as my brain juice....

**information overload**

**overheating of the CPU a.k.a. human brain**

on another note...

I still need to be on epilim... and there is no time limit as to when I would need to continue to be on it.... not taking the others are fine... but epilim is a must... it helps to "stabilize" me, keep my moods in line, my brain chemicals in check... lest they act on the idea of creating a riot in my brain, causing misfiring of my neurons , killing me in the proses(shrugz, they don't provide proper military training in there!!) .... don't want that now, do we...? sigh....

la la la la ... I'm a flying trapeez... come catch me...

OCF Camp '06

"HOT 4 GOD"

Trust and faith is in knowing that He will be there for you no matter in what circumstances.... even when life's challenges don't make sense or exceeds human compatibility, that knowing and trusting that He will be there, forever loving and reasuring.... prepared to catch you when you fall.... even when you choose to walk away from him....

Defeats are not failures... defeats are just troughs that we have to overcome so that we can see the beautiful sunrise beyond the horizon.... witness the beauty of this world.... defeats are just pressure elicited by the hands of the almighty potter in moulding us into the person that he has envisioned us to become.... it's his way of setting us on the right path... the path that he has laid for us to journey on....

I have decided to return home... along with the feelings.. the overwhelming emotions that I once held dear to my hear... the passion, that burning flame in my heart has once again been started.... it's the same feeling as that of yesteryear... when my heart cries out and my soul yearns for Him and with ony Him alone to quench my thirst....

memories came flooding back.... feelings came rushing over me , feelings of sadness, warmth, inspiration, loneliness.... entwined.... was confused and frustrated.... for i know not what i was feeling..... for i know not what was happening within me... for i was ignorant.... for i was too fearsome to acknowledge His pressence.... fear has crippled me....

and then i remembered...

that those memories was of that of passionate fights to be near him... of days yearning for his closeness... of times seeking for his assurance.... times of despair those were, but also times of seeing the light.... seeking and seeing the light that shines through all darkness....

that those feelings were that of love and kindness, of compassion and faithfulness.... in believing when everyone else, everything else discourages.... of firm understanding and knowledge in what he wants from.... of confirmation that it was for certain His voice that I've heard.... His plan that has been laid before my eyes.... and the courage to go forth even when a failure it appeared to be, to everyone, even to me.... yet it was the emotion to be determined, to persevere...

perhaps then, I have returned...

perhaps then, I have remembered to feel...

perhaps then, it is time....

perhaps then, this is for real...

emotional.... but not in a bad way...

what i am currently feeling now is something that I have not felt for a long long time.... the feeling of being simply satisfied... simply warm and fuzzy and all.... it's as if music is flowing through my veins... i feel compeled to let the sweet sweet sound of music take me on a journey to a far off land... traveling on a magical carpet, a tapestry weaved from musical notes....

searching for my heart, left behind as i turn to running away when life threw its pressures at me... it's about time i stop running, stop everything and start anew.... to breathe in the fresh air after the rain.... to see the little glimers of hope that is being offered... to reach out my hand in trust to accept....

yes, I feel emotional... listening to the song of the wind.... telling a story of a lost child returning home after a long journeying....

yes, i feel emotional, warm and fuzzy.... not in a bad way....

lesson learnt....

people care... and sometimes, that is all that matters....

C called yesterday (tuesday) to see how i was, J called today (wednesday) to see if everything is fine... for that, I am thankful.... and not to forget Arun, Peter and all of them....

lesson of the day, people are not emotionless beings that I cannot trust... rather, friends are there to share and care...

想要忘记从前的自己，想要从新来过，但却有种难以放手的感觉……

都已经过了这么久，为何还要让伤心的回忆来折磨自己呢？
是时候放手，让这被上了锁的心重新获得自由。
难道不累吗？这么多年？

但不知为何，有种不想放开的感觉……
难道一麻木了？
难道经过了长期间的封锁，我爱上了这种没有自由的感觉？
翅膀忘了如何飞翔？

気分が悪い

最近の自分が大嫌い・・・
金曜日にまだ試験がある、でも、全然勉強しない！
どうして私この人に成った？
分からないよ！

Who am I?

makes me wonder, am i really the peron that people perceive me to be? am i really nice when they say i am? i guess, no matter how many different views of me that people see in me, ultimately it's my own view that counts eh? then again, it is nice to know that people see something nice in me... yes, it's sad that i don't see anything in myself, but it's comforting to know that i am not a nobody in the eyes of others... ... perhaps, it's just me putting myself down too much... simply too much....

decided to deffer my tomorrow's paper... it's jsut impossible for me now... i have to accept that... accept the fact that there are things that i just can't do no matter how much i try.... and i am glad that i have met so many wonderful people.... people who have taught me that it's okay to rely on others... people who have taught me that it's okay to step back and take a breather before moving on my journey again.... people who have made me realised that it's only human to feel weak and helpless at times... that's what people exist for... to stand by each other, to support one another....

yes, i need to start acknowledging the fact that i have fallen again.... and recognize the fact that it's not the end of the world... it's just a stream that i have to pass... and that i don't always have to swin across it alone... that i don't have to fight the currents alone... that there are those who care.... who care enough to join me, to build a bridge together, hand in hand, for me to cross...
for that, i am thankful....

haven't been thinking straight... but then again, what is new any more? it's just so typical of me to shut off when i reach my limits that i am getting used to what i fear most.... being numb to being numb..... at times like this, how i wish to feel.... to feel the confusing emotions that are in me....

so numb.. and i question... who am i anyway? a feeling-less being or a person numb to emotions due to feeling too much?

.......

i feel as if I am about to give up....
I really don't want everything to come to an end this way, but is there really anything that I can do? i really don't know... I am lost within me....

I tried so hard to focus, to concentrate... to study.... to fufil my role as a student... yet I can't... perhaps this is my limit... I have reached my breaking point and all that's left is the time and place that I will completely shatter....

I need an outlet for my raging emotions...

what is this that I am currently feeling?
I don't know, I have got no answers for it.... but it's scary to be like this, it's not a nice feeling.. it's as if I am left hanging somewhere between nowhere.... from here onwards what is the path for me to take?

what is my purpose in life anyway? it's a vision blured... and I am loosing sight of the person that I hope to become... motivation is leaving me... alone...

left alone...

ramblings....

scared...

I'm swinnging.... up and down...
it's coming back... coming abck to get me...

最近的情绪又再次的不平衡，感觉好害怕……
不晓得自己怎么了……
该如何呢？一而再地，反反复复得已经好几年了。
而就在我以为“它”已离我而去时，高兴还来不及，“它”又回来了。
好烦！不晓得该如何去面对这一切，不晓得该如何面对自己……

大家都说，别急，一步一步来，但，你们根本就不明白，而且也没有能力明白。
这不怪你……不是你错，错统统在于我……
我不是一个好的朋友，整日只懂得让人操心……

empty

I feel compelled to simply write and write and continue writing... about my feelings, about anything and everything.... it's stupid, it's crazy, it's pathetic.... and I hate this me who is insane...

emotions are overwhelming me again.... I've been working hard... working so hard to jsut keep it in line.. jsut to control them.... jsut to not let anymore ppl in my problems... they deserve to have their own life... not a life of worrying about me.... I don't like it... I know people care... I do... I appreciate it.... but then, it's not fair.. it's not fair that I waste people's time and energy jsut because of my own stupid problems... it's jsut gonna be like how it was with cm... one day they will all leav me cos they jsut can't stand me anymore... I am a master at building only bad memories....

I know I shouldn't be so self critical and all.. I know I should be more nurturing or whatever it is... but it gets hard... it gets hard when you cna't even control how you feel....

I hate to know it... hate to say it... hate to see it... to see that I am crashing... to know that everything has only been a dream... I was stupid enough to believe.... I was a fool to leave myself unguarded... to have myself being vulnerable and all... and now, I shall bear the consquences....

I don't like admitting that I am getting my moodswings again... I hate to admit that I am tired.... I shouldn't be... I am supposed to be bubbly... to be outgoing... to be all that I am not and never was.... what people see is jsut my facade.... it's all jsut a pretend play....

that's what she hated about me the most too... that's what I have about myself too... about all these smilling yet inside rotting away crap.... it's rubbish to be how I am, who i am....
nothing last...

well, at least not my happiness.... what's left is jsut emptiness.... I am devoid of feelings.... making me less human....

I can go on and on and on..... not knowing what I want to say... not that it ever matters really... it just shows how bad a person, how worthless a person I am...
sometimes, it's tempting to go lower... to ge further than this.... to feel more extreme than this.... like how I was before in yesteryears....

but is it a risk worth taking?

it's conflicting... it's confusing... when you are both sane and insane at the same time.... one person halved.... help I scream... a scream silent to the ears of the world.... not their fault really... it's only I to blamed...

perhaps, it's better off alone.... then there would be no pain nor suffering that I will cause.... not more frightening scenes of me not being able to breathe and all that my friends have to deal with..... I don't want to hurt anyone... anymore...

it hurts me to hurt people....

help me... I can't tell, I can't talk to anyone.... there really is no point in asking for help that I will never get anyway... not that anyone can do anything either..... it's just me and myself and this stupid part of me... this part of me that keeps getting me into trouble... trouble and nothing else...

why?

it never stops, does it?

jsut when i start thinking that perhaps, just perhaps, there is such a thing as getting better... with no more violent moodswings, no more crying in the night, no more feelings of wanting to be anywhere but here with myself...

jsut when I thought that perhaps, I am getting heaps better... that this time around, whether i like it or not, the meds are actually working... that the combination is right.. that i am not gettin depressed, that i can function as normal...

then, bam!

i have had two big episodes of what they tell me is panic attacks in like one and half weeks... it's not even two weeks.... it was scary... last night... and they had to call the ambulance and all... it was bad... I thought I was gonna die...
why? why when I start being hopeful about life... when I stop being suicidal and all.. I start feeling as if my life is gonna end?

perhaps i am better off being depressed?perhaps then I wouldn't be afraid of death?perhaps then that I would be too absorbed with the negative thoughts that none of these will bother me as they will be seemingly minor in scale as compared to my own irrational moodswings and inner pain then...

why?

I don't understand....and I am feeling lost in all these...

the other way

there is this sudden gush of sadness washing over me.... help me...
I know not of what is happening, know not of why this crippling feeling is here to greet me...
all that i know of... the limited knowledge that i have of this feeling is that it will not last... that it shouldn't last.... but in the mean time, ther eis nothing but holinding on to my dear life... holding on to something that seems so unworthy of holding on to...

I don't understand... but somehow, I need to keep trying...
the odds are high... and I am lost... lost in this whirlpool of darkness...
it's getting dark in here...
why is it happening again?
despite all the effort? depite all the pain I had to put up with.... all the frustration... all the anger... all the hatred.... all those feelings....
all those emotional wounds that are yet to heal have been reopened.....
by what? i don't know.... I really don't.....

suddenly, I feel all alone... all alone in this.. no one to comfort me... to lend me a hand as i fall deeper and deeper into this dark abyss.....
help I shout and scream but none that can be heard.... a silent scream of my excrutiating pain....
alone... always have been... all along... alone...
I have been fooled.... I have been a fool.... to think that there would be light.... that there would be laughter that knows no boundaries.... to think that my tommorow has came.... that I shall be happy and bubbly all the way through....

yes, I have lived in a dream.....
down...
down...
down...

I fell....

my wings broken.... my soul shattered....
how i long to be flying high again...
but
can i?

why?

why do I always variate between two extremes? it's either I get so stressed up that I cease to function or I don't get stressed up at all even though by right I should be.... for goodness' sake, it's exam period.. it's only natural to get all stressed up and go into "study" mode.... yet, here i am... lazing around not giving a care about the whole wide world.... doing nothing but breathing and existing....

I hate this attitude of not caring...
yet I hate myself too when I cared too much!

is there really such a thing called balance? stability?

I feel all over the place right now... though I am sitting in the basement of Hargrave, writing.... nonsensical ramblings of this unquiet mind of mine... screaming out help, yet at the same time convinced that everything is just fine... yes, simply just fine...

i don't feel anything... yet i feel everything...
all these while, it has always been revolving around this issue of feeling and unfeeling for me.... isn't it about time to stop? isn't it about time to stop giving me problems? and start giving me peace of mind for once?

i am angry, exhausted, disappointed...
i am begining to sink again.... starting to slowly.... come down....

why?

why the moodswings?
why don't i understand?
what is wrong with me???

I need to start getting

not so alone..... not so afraid...

feeling not as alone in this whole emotional and anxiety problems issue... after speaking to JT... not that I spoke to him about anything in particular... but rather, to hear him telling me about it. hearing him speaking of someone he knew being on psych meds and all, hearing him telling me how he was suspected of being bipolar and all... has surprisingly brought about some form of a release.... to hear him casually talk about it, like it's just an extra flower bush in the garden, to hear him being open and honest.......

somehow, somewhere, I started feeling more at home, started feeling more accepted and understood.... started feeling less afraid.... less afraid....

i need to start being open with myself as well...
I need to start likign myself for whatever, whoever I am... it's not like I asked for it... it's not like I wanted to be how I am.. it's just who i am... while it does not define what kind of a person i am, it does, however, make me ME....

enough of wallowing in self pity, enough of playing the role of the problematic disturbed young person that is not sure where the thin fine line between sanity and insanity divides....
enough is enough....

he's not afraid or embarassed about it.... why should I?

dissociating....

I feel less and less real recently... yes, I am still bubbly and jumpy... but the emptiness that I constantly feel... the uneasiness regardless of whether I am alone or not is growing... yes, it's definitely growing... getting harder and harder to handle with each passing day....

it angers me, to see myself self-loathing and hating myself for who i am, what i have become... I am a pretender... always, and I mean always pretending that I am doing well... that I am as functional as anyone else... that I have nothing lacking.... nothing that can hinder my progress.... nothing to stop me....

yes... I have had nothing to stop me...

and I have got nothing to hold me back either... be it from falling or rising up....

being hindered by obstacles is a challenge.... being always stopped by problems that come our way is depressing and frustrating...

but, being at a high speed for extended lenght of time is tiring... especially when that car that you're driving has no brakes installed and you're going at 200kph.... directionless, pointless... empty....

one not functioning at all, the other functions too much...
both cry out stop... you wanna stop free falling.... for you know it will always be a crash landing following suit.... you want to stop functioning at such a marvelous rate that no one can keep up with... for it will be hell that you're gonna greet once all that energy burns out... once everything returns to "normal"....

not that "normal" has ever before existed anyway.....

I don't feel like me anymore.....
I am once again loosing my grip on sanity.... loosing sight of that fragile connection that binds me with the real world.... loosing me....

and I question: how many times must I feel like I am loosing me until I eventualy do loose me?

when that time arises, will I even be there to answer myself? will I even know it? perhaps it's just an untimely death.... perhaps....

flying high...

i feel the need to rush things again... to do things quick....

what is this? this compulsion to just work and work and continue working?

I don't understand...

shall I jsut enjoy it and ride along with it?

is this normal? to feel like this?

what is normal anyway?

don't know....

deep breaths

there is so much that we take for granted, every moment, everyday...

we take for granted that we are alive, that we wake up each morning, having the whole wide world to greet, having people return our hellos and good mornings... perhaps, a lot of us don't even bother with greeting people to start with... to most of us, to have to wake up is a hassle, to have to go to work, meet people, go uni, school, whatever is a hassle... rather stay in bed, rather live in dreams....

yes we take for granted the beauty of being alive... the fact that we are alive....

we take for granted friends that care and try so hard to fit in with those who don't. we brush those that really love us for who we are and want only the best for us aside, making room for those who are not even worthy of being called friends.... why? why is it so that we never listen, never trust, always taking things for granted? thinking that everything we do is right, never stoping long enough to ponder what exactly is right or wrong....

wonder... is there really such a thing as wrong and right? is there really a distinction between those two? where lies the dividing line?

we take for granted that we are who we are, always tryin to be someone else, something else that we are not meant to be.... we are made to be unique, each and everyone of us being a special, irreplaceable being created in the glory of God, yet, there we go and try to be anyone but ourselves... and when we can't, we spend live thinking worrying that we can't....

what is this?

why must we loose things only then will we know it's value?
why?

some times I wonder....

a lot's been happening... it's all making me wonder about myself, and other things... things which are happening in my life... which may happen, which have happened... and then i questioned...

is this me talking or my wandering mind talking?

the fear of going insane is great.... then they tell me... since I know somethings is not right, I must be still quite sane right? wrong.... you don't have to be completely ignorant about what is happening to you and your surroundings to be considered mentally ill, emotionally disturbed, problematic.. whatever word one may fancy in this context...

somewhere along the line... one will know that one has crossed the line...

and i think i am crossing it now....

but what the heck, what is new anyway?

There are things that need to be done

I can't stop... I am feeling fast, I am going at a fast rate.... is it good or bad? I don't know... it sure feels better than being unable to do anything.... it sure is better than having everything being an effort..... but somewhere along the line, something is wrong.... something is definitely wrong.... I can't sit still and relax... I need to calm down.... I need to calm down....

there is so much that I feel like doing.... there is so much inside me that I desperately want to let out.... I want to do so so much.... I feel like doing a thousand things at a time...

what is happening, I don't know... I am not sure.... I don't want to be judgemental of myself... but this is fast.... it's like the other time.... it's like that time last year..... where somewhere along the line, things get out of control... I need to slow down...

fast .... fast ..... fast .... fast ......
a million things flooding through my mind....
need to do so much.....

I am repeating myself.... but I can't help it... I can't help it....
I can't help it....