am I happy ?.... or am I not?

I don't know....

I am running behind time....

I yearn to lay me down to sleep.... never again to be awake....

like hell it doesn't hurt...

I don't know what has gotten into me... maybe I am just plain depressed... maybe I am crazy... who knows? or perhaps I am just an emotionally unstable little girl who is driving herself mad.... perhaps...

I just feel like crying these days... I just feel like sinking so deep into this emotional whirlpool that I can't find myself no more... for I am finding it hard to find joy in things that were once such a great part of me... things which signified my living.... things which are now gone... dissappeared... and as usual, I am left behind... time and again... certain things just don't change do they? once an actor, forever an actor... once left behind, forever you won't be any near to catching up...

how do you tell those you love that you feel so srongly your emotions that you wished that you can just close your eyes and fade away to infinity? how can I say this out? how can I even confide in anyone lest I push people away again? for which pushing someone away once is more than anyone needs to affirm myself that it's not worth it... it's really not worth sharing... as I slowly came to realise that sharing is not always caring... distance may perhaps be the nearest you can get to the other person in certain times.... something I realised just far too late... so much so that I can't revert the harm done... that I can't mend the broken vase....

I hate me.... I hate me.... I don't know what else to say... I can't do no right.... I just can't... I am failing in my assignments.... it's all way past it's duedates and yet I can't seem to be able to finish it... I feel so so darn down that part of me hopes to die...

sometimes, carrying on, fighting for survival... is so much harder that just to gather the courage for that split of a second when you stop the world with the pressure you put onto the blade that is neatly slicing you forearms... severing the veins that carries your juice of live... crying crimson tears as you slowly float away... slowly, silently, gradualy....

and then, what's left is just a number... a number on your toe as you lay in the morgue, a number refering to you on your death certificate... a number marking your subtle existance in the statistical charts... that is, if you even is worth that much that you make it into being a "research participant"...

help me... anyone.... please...

don't help me... leave me alone...

I wanna get out.. I want to survive and go beyond surviving...

get your hands off me... mind your own freaking business...! let me rot and die...

I am worth so much more.... I am doing something I want, I don't wanna loose... I don't wanna give in...

kepp dreaming my girl.. keep dreaming... and better enjoy it while you're at it cause dreams don't ever come true...

I hate me!

I wanna love me...

I am confused...

I am confusing myself...

I wanna die.....

but I want to live as well....

I don't want to hurt anyone... I don't wanna get hurt either... I don't want people to read or learn about these feelings... but I want someone to pull me out, drag me by my hands and legs if have to... as long as drag me and get the hell out of here....

yet... part of me wants to see how far can I go....

but I too know that goin that far would hurt...

and I don't wanna hurt...

I don't know what am I thinking nor have I any idea of what I am typing here... I am not thinking... but feelings seemed to be puoring out of me like a broken dam... and I am goin round in circles... repeating myself again and again, dweling upon the same issues over and over again... please, someone... anyone... help me... I am loosing my mind... or have I lost it already? I don't remember... I can't remember....

perhaps I really do need a mood stabilizer... perhaps I really need to go back to M'sia... perhaps I really should have just died and do it right when I had the chance to last year.... perhaps I shouldn't be so darn frickle minded....

perhaps I shouldn't have ever existed...

I wanna cry but I feel exhausted... as if tears have been dried up....

I need extra time... I feel embarasss to even think about it...

all I know is that it's no one's freaking fault that I am such a mess... no one but mine's.....

I need to take rsponsibility over my actions have I now... I have to... I know it...

life sucks....

and I can't function.....

I am falling deeper and deeper... so much so that I have never been before...

should I let go and give up?

should I stay strong headedly?

I don't know....

all I know is that I want to work out my shit... I want to get beeter... but I am fighting a loosing battle....

I want to write my assignments... but I can't...

I can't think straight... I can't....

I am not trying to be negative... it's just that the truth is that I just can't function.....

I feel dead.....

yes yes yes I know you might be thinkin that I am just some senseless 19 year old who knows nothing but bed of roses and is procastinating... and I can't "function" cos of the usual youngster's angst... mind you... oh how I wish it's just that simple... that it's all just a "phase" as how the adults like to put it... that I will grow out of it... bla bla bla... yup.. I know I focused a lot about myself and not anything else... so now you're gonna brand me to be some self centred narcisstic bitch who just can't stop bitching around over non sensical things about trivial matters of her life? think again my friend... think again.... I am not saying that I am the most unluckiest person on planet Earth... that's not what I am saying... neither am I tryin to claim the position of the girl who is supposed to be pitied bla bla bla.... no... NO , I repeat... all I am saying is that spend one day in my shoes and then we'll talk....

sigh...

who am I talking to anyway? why am I angry and so darn worked up? I don't know...

as usual.... what am I feeling?

answer: errr.... hmm.... I... I... d...d...don't.. know....

teach me how to hate you... please... it hurts too much to still love

sigh

thank you, you said
the best way to say good bye
the best word to bid adieu
an end to a love of yesteryear
give up not, you used to say
believe, you told me
I have been blind, my love
sorry for pushing you away

a garden of too much rain and no sun
trying to grow, it's hard, I know

I am sorry for all the rain and no sun....

昔々、一つ町が有りました。
その町は小さいでした、でも、沢山人が居ました。
その町はいいところでした。とても好い所でした。
その町の人は嬉しかったでした、みなさんは友達でしたから。

でも、いま誰もいませんだから、その町は好い所じゃない。
その町は、私は独りですんで居ます。
家族がいません、友達もいません。
独りで．．．
私は独りで．．．

yes, only rain itself does not help with growth... rain only shatters souls... I am sorry for bringin only the rain with me... I am sorry for destroyin your garden... I am sorry for all the pain and suffering that I have caused and countless memories of yours that i have tarnished and deprived it the nutrients to grow.... yes, I am sorry as well for takin your time of seven years... and filling it with only sad memories for you to retrive....

I ask not for forgiveness...
I ask instead for your wings to flap and take leave...
not so much that I hate you or want you away and gone...
but rather to see you free from pain....
to see you soar and embrace the laughter that I could not give...
to see you smiling the smile that I have never seen
when you're with me...
take leave please, be free of me....

I am not tryin to redeem my status or even my position in your heart... cause that is not what I write this for... neither did I pester or ask anyone to confront you on my behalf... or whatever way you wish to put it.... just wanna say that your explanation has been accepted and I shall not push any further... be it not to break the vase make of porceline or make you cry, break down in misery... rather... just rather.... that I don't want to hold onto you anymore... I can't and I won't either....

need not run no more my rose....
I shall take leave as well... and soon, your garden will grow again.... it will...
may the sun shine upon you again... seven years of rain is too much... you deserve the sun too...
you were brought into this world deserving of warmth and love... not embrace of the cold winds of winter... I am sorry for being the gardener that knows not gardening....



　

I am sad....

I feel disappinted, let down upon... I just feel so so terrible at this very moment that I feel like tearing myself up... feel like disappearing into thin air... and yet.. all these ramblings is one that I cannot share... soemthing that I can't and must not share with anyone... especially not those who I am supposed to report everything to.... yea right... as if I am goin to confide in you all... tell you all of my heartache and risk having you all freaking up and locking me away... like helll I am going to tell...

sigh... but I guess getting angry at ppl wouldn't help, would it? I guess, not a single bit... just makes me even more disappointed... sigh... why is everything so darn complicated??

collapsed in class during my presentation in front of everyone that day... during chinese class... so so embarassing... and I am still relatively angry with it.... yes, many days hath passed.... but what makes you think or let alone assume that I can jsut accept whatever reasons thrown at me? I don't understand... I can find no trigger.... it's only my own stupid self to blame... no one else... just me....

I feel dissapointed... when S.G. was filling up my OSHC form... the one to claim for C's AUD800+ bill.... it sucks not being able to even support my own health... it hurts as well... especially when someone I had grown close to and trust takes me as someone who seeks attention.... yes, I do bear grudges... yes, I don't easily forget.... so what? I am angry, hurt and sad!!! I really couldn't care less now even if the whole world thinks I am a super self-centred snob or B**** or whatever.... all I know now is that I am about to burst! I feel hurt beyond words...

R, where on Earth are you? what is happening between both of us? what went wrong? why are you not talking to me anymore...? why are you not even willing toanswer my questions...? am I that dispisable? do you hate me so? if yes, then why? if no, then why? I don't understand... and just because I didn't probe further doen't mean that I care anyless.... just becasue I pretend that everything is fine doesn't mean that you can take me for a joy ride as well.... who was the one who told me not to spend so much time in so and so's room cos I already have a boyfriend? have you forgotten? and guess what? look who's spending every waking minute in the same person's room... yea yea yea... you and that person are good friends.... yea yea yea... you feel comfortable with that persone.... yea yea.... you both are in the same course therefore you will study together...... and yes.... you don't feel comfortable with me and H.... but hey, don't you have someone as well back home?

I am not tryin to be jealous, cos I am not... I just want to know what on Earth happened? if the sky fell on you, for goodness sake, tell me... if you're staying away fro me cos I am presumely "manic depressive" or whatever crap that you or anyone whishes to address it as, by all means, tell me.... even if you hate me so... TELL ME!!! I rather know how much you dispise me than to allow myself the time and will to conjure up some explanation to explain away your staying away....

sigh....

I am sad... I repeat... I feel so low that part of me is threatening to merge with the ground... and part of me is also picturing myself diggin a good six feet into the good soil and going deeper still... I know I may be incoherant, or even crazy... but that don't mean that I have no emotions... as much as I had it, I feel too....!

life: I hate you!!!!!!!!!!

medicine cabinet?

a lot have been happening lately... from hearing the "diagnosis" from Karl to today, having C suggesting a mood stabilizer to "calm" me down....

a lot have been happening.....

last week, I remember, was on the verge of breaking down... was so terrified of everything.... this week... near being fearless..... sometimes I really find it hard to live with me too... Karl said that it's cyclothymia.... well... at least it made some sense.... more sense actually to what C mentioned the week before... adjustment disorder he said.... yea... at least it made a little more sense... but it does not mean it has made me feel better either....

I mean, I do agree that to a certain extent that it was somewhat a brief relief... but it was only briefly... I guess having a mental illness is not something that people can easily accept, can they? well, I know I can't for one thing... I need some time.... I needed to compose myself enough to think things through.... at my own pace... slowly... according to my own speed... but then again, life just doesn't like to compromise or wait up a little does it? it's always on the go and it's leaving me behind .... well, perhaps, not at this instant, but it sure was last week when everything was bleak.... even a simple thing such as getting out of bed was of enormous effort then.... not that I am any better anyway now though... instead of sleeping too much... am currently not getting enough sleep....

I don't feel tired? you must be kidding.... just that I just can't... just can't fall asleep....

sometimes, I ask, am I the one driving myself towards the brink of insanity or am I really that sick? I don't know... really don't.... all I know is that it feels weird nowadays... can't describe... just weird....

back to what I was talking about just now... the visit today... ermm.. not really... it's yesterday to be more accurate since it's already 5.03am now and yes, I am currently still quite wide awake....
about C and the suggestion.... he asked what was my opinion about his mentioning of "bipolar" many weeks ago... when I first got to know him... and what followed next was him repitively telling me that his not makin a diagnosis... that he is not currently talkin about a diagnosis.... just that he felt that it would be a good idea for me to have another type of medication added to my already existing medications.... adding that zoloft helps... but it's the anxiety part... that it helps... a little... not much though.... and that my mood swings doubled with my anxiety is indeed a problem... that he wants to suggest something called epilim... an anticonvulsant with a calming effect... a relatively "safe" drug that is... but isn't that what almost all doctors say? that drugs are safe? but then, is it not one of the first few lessons at medical school that they are taught that all medication are toxic? why then? why?

it is true you know... what they say... that certain things are better off left unknown.. and that knowing too much may at times bring more harm than good....

but then again, what's learnt can't really be unlearnt....

sometmies I really did wished that I wasn't that curious about everything... that I wasn't that interested in learning about medication and psychology.... sigh...

I don't want to go crazy... really....

but I also realised that part of me is in some crooked way "addicted" to being like this.... I don't know how to explain it... I hate being like this... but this is what makes me ME...

it's been so long... so so long..... that I can't really remember what I used to be when I was better... that is if I even was better....