okay?

Dr. C called me yesterday, just to ask how am I doin... funny.... perhaps he is much different than the others than I thought he is. perhaps, he is here for me as an angel... perhaps, chances are meant to be given... perhaps, it's okay to trust again.... perhaps....

last night, could not sleep again... CM had flew back home, so has EK.... this sunday will be HW and next will be A. seeing all of them leaving simply breaks me apart.... being reminded that I am different is bad enough.... knowing that I really wanna go home and yet have to pretend that I don't want to and be strong, it's worst...

falling behind time... psych test is on monday and I am not even half prepared... seems like everytime I try to be better, try to do my work... try to put i effort, I don't get anywhere... sigh...

broken butterfly

When wings forget how to fly
When dreams returned to the sky
I wish I could soar once again
Will hope free me from this pain?

Strangers I see as I stroll along
Days go by, I couldn’t be strong
Left alone wound up in a cell
Created by my heart, deep as the well

Across the seas I set my sail
To find a place where peace prevails
In crowds I wander, all alone
Or perhaps, it’s me myself, I fear to own.

Letter 3

Dear A,

haven't talk to you for quite a couple of days now huh.... suddenly, feels like I sorta miss you. but then, I am confused now, about what I truly think of you... you just feel so so distant... like I am floating high up in the clouds and you are down there on Earth.... or... is it the other way around? I'm confused....

sigh... if only I can feel me as like in me on the whole and not just part of me... are you the culprit? I wonder... I truly wonder... right down, deep down from the bottom of my heart I want to ask if you even know of my existance... I know, I am crapping again, but since when anything had ever made sense to begin with? correctto!! NEVER....! the answer is NEVER! not when I know you are hurtin, not when I am tryin to make it hurt less.....

I am angry...
I am frustrated...
I am hurt...
I am sad...
I need you...

I wanna be a child once again... even if it's just for a day...

a lot of thing's been happening lately... one day I was estatic, another I was so down that nothing seemed to go right... not that I ever had any hopes of it goin right to start with.... but then again, that's not my point... thing is... should I take up Dr. C's suggestions? kept me wondering ,days on ends.... mood swings.... it's keeping me apart from this whole reality of life... or perhaps, I was long out of it even before I started thinking about it? so long I've been out of my life that perhaps I don't even know if I am still alive or not....

J said that I should talk to you more... maybe... but it feels funny "talking" to you... but still perhaps, jsut perhaps, you can help set my thinking straight... ?sigh... or am I so lost that I am know even not sure if I am confused or not?

don't wanna talk to you...

makes me feel weirde....

sigh....

I need a friend...

I need a friend in you....

Love,
~B~

Stressed!

was so depressed for the past few days that even talking takes up so much of my energy, not that I had a lot to start with... went to brendon park with all of them for grocery shopping on saturday as usual and throughout the entire journey to and back I think the maximum number of words that came out of my mouth which are reasonably audibel is not more than ten I guess... so much for moodiness....

am I really bipolar or just plain depressed? I am begining to get really confused now... the reason being so is that if I am just plain depressed, then at least I know that in the morning when I am jumpy and all, there might be a slim chance that "that" is who I am beneath all these layers of "masks" tha tI put one everyday so as to fool everyone around me into believing that I am feeling okay... perhaps, the one person that I really wish and hoped that I can trully convince is perhaps lil' ole' me.... but, if I am bipolar, then most likely that the "hyper-me" that I experience during the day when I am with people is all but just another symptom of my "illness"... am I just ill or am I so screwed up that I can now be pronounced insane?I'm confused!

had a total of 3 panic attacks over the span of 2 days... can I even ask if I am severe? ok ok I know the answer... feeling so down and disappointed... why? why after so long it still came back? why? I don't understand... what can I do now to stop it? to revert the mode of my "illness" back to "remission"? it seems like an never ending story weaving it's path along this journey called life which is officially "owned" by me... not that I want it that much... but then.... sigh

made CM cry that day.... it hurts you know.. it hurts damn well when you see the person you care about cry because of you... not that you did something bad to them... but rather, it's because they see you hurting and they feel so helpless that all that they can do is cry.... CM don't deserve this.... she deserves to be happy always... so does HW and everyone else, everyone else that I snapped at.... I don't know......

我是如此的恨现在的自己。我究竟是谁，我已经不懂得该如何回答了。觉得自己有如一只迷失了方向的迷途羔羊。更觉得自己像个落地的天使，伤了翅膀、忘了如何飞翔。