忘れ物ですよ！

この心は誰のですか。はい、私のです。

心:　ただいま！

　　 私:　お帰りなさい！

Dearest Heart...

it's so good to have you return home to me my little heart.... how has your journey been? tiring I presume... but my dear, worry not... for your journey in the wilderness has officially ended as you set foot back in your home... I am all too glad to have you back here with me.... all too glad to see you finally returning home.....

let me pamper you and shower you with all the love and care that has pent up inside of me waiting to be unloaded onto you... an action that I have delayed for such a long time... that I have come to realised that it has been unfair to you that I have never made you feel at home and at peace and yet I blamed you for turning your back against me... sorry...

I know many people would think and feel that the results are just my luck... true to a certain extent but yet not entirely.... I knew I didn't put in much effort, but I shall stop putting you down and discredit you again as I so often did, my little heart.... for the fact that we did put in effort no matter how little it seemed... you and I have held on even though it once looked easier to let go than to hang on during those stormy nights where turbulent waves of emotions welcomed us to give in.... yet... you and I... we've braved the tempest with great courage and determination....

this I wish not to discredit either of us any more.....

so many times I've weep over your running away from me... so many times I have placed the blame upon your shoulders by convincing myself that I am unworthy..... convincing myself that you are weak and that you are nothing but a disgrace... that how could anyone for that matter take into consideration of your beauty......

this I wish not to account either of us to it's happening any more....

start afresh shall we?

embrace life as a team shall we?

is more than a surface word....

it cuts deep.....

it carves deep....

into the soul that joins us....

it can keep us apart, yet it can as well make us inseperable....

that is what love is....

it is magic....

and it is ours to own.....

if only we allow it to be....

~Love, Me.....~

I need a friend....

not a shrink, not a counsellor... not a doctor... but a friend... I just need a friend right NOW.....

can't say it was a bad seesion, can't say it was good either... it just left me broken.... with this gashing wound unnoticed perhaps by anyone but me... am feeling broken... so deep is the injury that I sensed a sudden form of acute paralysis swamped through me.... they say that when the pain is too intense, you'll go numb....

old wounds have been reopened....

it hurts.... fighting hard to hold back tears.... all the buried emotions tryin to flee from my firm grip of self denial.... I am but a girl.... indeed.... I am but a girl....

I liked him... for being who he is.... yet at that very moment... how much I hated him for making me recall and remember... not sure if it was intensional or not... it was just like any other session that we had before... jsut that suddenly I felt attacked.... wish I could hide away.... I don't wanna be that crying child again.... yet I don't wanna be that stong person that is tryin to be there for anyone but herself... I don't know what I want....

running around in circles...
do I wanna be discovered?
do I wanna remain hiddened?
conflict of the mind and soul....
so very subtle are the actions of emotions...
that they creeped into you before you even know what anger is.....

they are the creator of pain...
the ultimate force of suffering....

why me? why is it I that have to endure...?
a little child crying ot loud...
a little child unable to comprehend...
yet, she was not spared of these nightmarish events that her young mind fought hard to understand...

a little girl cryin in the rain...
please rain, please wash away her pain....

I feel like I am babbling about nonsensical things... but then, what makes up common sense if not us human? I don't wanna be a stereotype....

I wanna be a different girl....
not that teary eyed little girl...
but a young lady with the courage to hope and dream.....
a young lady who wants to spread her wings and soar.....
not like a timid little mouse in hiding.... not she...

confused....
help me....

dying (~.~)

had a good day in the city with Jon and all.... really.... a good day... went sightseeing.... the aquarium.... the clochlate place which was heavenly.... and yes... those flames.... the ones just outside crowns.....

but now, it feels as though I am dying....

I can't explain this.... I never could.... the fluctuations of my moods brings me along this winding journey of no return.... a journey that may cost me my sanity if not my life...

feeling down.....

no one to catch me as I fall....
deeper and deeper I descend....
into a place where I can see nothing but the bright sky above me that I will never reach... never..

been feeling "out of it" the whole time... is it the change in dosage or is it just one of my low periods.... I realise now that I have even lost the ability to distinguise one from another.... will I loose the ability to even know myself in the near future? will I even have a future.... right now... it all looks....

bleak....

to my young adult eyes....

grey.... everywhere.... absence of any distinction....

pool of muddled waters....
grey in color.... only soon to be brightened by crimson tears....

.... that creates tiny ripples that creates upon it a canvas painted with passion of the stories of yesternight.... stories of pain and anguish....

and let me before I depart.... leave behind a mark... perhaps the only visible proof of my existance....

as I dream of being the painter of this canvas....

red....

Dear depression...

hey...

was thinking about you... just felt like writing a letter to you today... tryin to see how you are.... apparently, you've not change your address I see.... you're still here, inside my heart... residing in my very soul... it's been ages.... are you not tired? cause I am....

wanted to tell you this... I truly HATE you.... why don't you just pack your bags and leave? I don't need you around to remind me of who I am... you don't need to be the creator of my personality.... you are nothing actually... in case no one has ever told you this... you have never been anything to anyone... and you won't be for me....

but I LOVE you.....

you are what makes me me.... you are the only part of me that I can understand.... at least your mechanics I do comprehend.... you are also the one thing that has sustained my creativity....

I am scared.... I don't like your presence but I am afraid of your absence....

I have grown so accustomed to you that I now fear that when I loose you finally, I may not like the new me that I will get from your departure.... I am scared in giving you up... yet in the mean time I can't wait to be rid of you.....

you've hurt me

leaving me to bleed silently

no comfort, no empathy

yet you are my identity

love : ~me~

lost... confused....

I cried....

Jon came over.... I am but a child.... wanting and needing to be cuddled and loved... and yet the one person who wouldn't and couldn't love me is me myself.... yes... me...

feeling down... so down that everything seems so bleak... that as if I am spinning out of control once again.... perhaps I really am.... who am I anyway? a girl with problems or the problematic girl?

am finding myself caught in this sudden whirlpool of anger... this fiery rage that is trying to consume me... perhaps, it might as well have succeeded half way based on the fact that I am now loosing my mind or at least starting to.... I hate HER.... yes, read my lips.. I hate her, dispise her.... I am suffering cause of the letter..... that letter she wrote that threw me off the edge....

I need to blame someone else...
I don't think I can go on taking everything inwards.... I need an outlet...
I must stop taking the blame for everything that has gone wrong in my life....

I am but a girl....

Jon thought that I was suicidal... can't blame him.... it must have freaked him out... well, it did freak me out though.... fact is... I am just feeling terrible... not suicidal....

depression, screw you... not gonna loose to you...

I just wanna be normal... but then, again who is normal? what is normal?

time flies and sometimes I feel like I am missing out... that I can't catch up with it.. it is tryin to leave me behind.... is it not?

trapped.....

S A D . . .

Abused?

J said that it was abuse.... but was I? unsure... am I suppressing my inner most feelings? am I cheating and lying to myself, trying to convince myself that nothin happen? or was it that there really was nothing happening that night? and those many nights before... when I can't do nothing but cry and cry.... in hopes that the tears will somehow wash away all that I would gladly disown as mine.... but I gueess things like this... thoughts and wishes like this will only be real in movies that make them real.... they can't be real in real life.... can it? can tears bring comfort? can tears wash away the pain? someone, anyone.... please, convince me.....

HW and all have been back home for quite sometime now... and S is out in the city while I can hardly tell WJ any serious stuff that is on my mind.... I am all alone.... me, myself... and my "temporary" room..... my home "kononnya". they say that the home is where the heart is... but, where is my heart? where?

maybe someone will call out :　忘れ物ですよ。この心わ誰のですか。
then perhaps then I would be able to call out :　はい、わたしのです。
~and retrive my long lost heart.....~ ha! I must be going crazy! or am I already crazy? that is why I am seeing Dr. C right.....

why did he push me? why? I can't remember or is it that I don't want to remember? then why the flashbacks? why come and bother me now? what have I done? why can the past be past and let me go? or is it me who is unwilling to let it go? is it me who is so tirelessly holding on to what little recollections that I have about my past and all in order to justify my being here? to affirm myself that I am real... that it is not a fantasy wolrd that I live in... but in fact is the real one... it's the real deal...

remember....

why was I locked in the bathroom? it was dark... so dark and scary... what was it that I had done? what? why sis he locked me in there? where is mommy? where is everyone? wait... did it happen or did I made it up? he off the lights.... why? it's the downstairs toilet.... next to the kitchen.... wait... is the scene from when I was still stayin from cheras or is this scene or rather memory a distorted version of what happened when I was 11 years ole? what happened that day.... mom... chasing me... overdosing.....

can't remember.....
amnesia....

mom scolded me on my birthday last year... or was it the year before? what on earth is happening to my memory? why are there missing pieces here and there? what is happening to me? who am I anyway.... having a name doesn't really gives you much assurance of who you are you know.... it's what you feel about yourself that can determine if you're real or fake , alive or dead..... right now, I feel dead.....

boredom kills....

they say that my mom was the best mom ever.... but I knew the truth.... the cold hard truth that people couldn't have figured out if I were to not tell them at all.... it was children's day.... CKS '94.... balloons... everywhere..... my mom helped set up the place.... she was wearing a baju kurung... she was the most beautiful mom ever.... the youngest among my other friends' moms.... and apparently the nicest "aunties" there.... mom helped decorate my class.... the last time help ever helped in any of my functions for that matter....

mom went away.... never returned...

she's cold.... so cold towards me... but yet I know... and I know just too well how fiery is her flame of undying love for me...

confusion, welcome to my sweet abode... with open arms I welcome you.... I hate you....

silence..... confusion... depression.....