help me....

someone...anyone...

pain

if tears can wash away this pain...
if i can smile happily once i again...
perhaps it's worth it a try at life one more time...
perhaps then it'll be alright...

i don't wanna go through this any more... it's one too many times already...
feeling like it's time to take a rest, to give in to the darkness...
let the all consuming pain engulf me...
as i vanish off the surface of this earth...
this earth that I never once belong in...
fill this empty being of mine with emotions that are just simply alien to me...
for i am no longer my own being...
i've lost in this battle to reclaim myself....
perhaps it's alright now to give in....
to give up...


Aozora 2nd Performance by Uno

and so you think that the demons have left?

no, they haven't, probably never will either...
it's not me overcoming them... but rather, living at peace with them...
and yes, I still get the attacks now and then... and they are still as real as it can get... and it still hurts each time they come... hurts so much...

this fluctuation, my momentary insanity...
I hate it, hate it so much... yet, it's there...

perhaps I have none other to blame but myself and my own stupidity...
perhaps I should have accepted whatever C suggested and stop complaining and stop asking questions that no one has any answers to anyway...

why has it happened? I don't know, he doesn't know... no one knows...
should I jsut accept it? I jsut feel as if something really is missing... but what??

hate this fluctuating moods... hate it simply too much... but yet, I cna't really do anything, can I?
nothing but sit and wait and ride it through...

I wish i can cry...

move on...

to understand the pain, the anguish... it takes one who knows it to fully comprehend the unspeakable distress that one can be in...

i wanted to run away... run so far away... and thus, i left, i left the room which gave me unsettling feelings... i fled the room which in my flawed mind was seen as a big red danger sign...

i am but a coward after all...

and this was yesterday morning...

after so long, the culprit is still the same...
it pains me to see that it will never budge...
that it will always be here within me, part of me...

then again, wasn't i the one who says that i'm gonna accept it all? that i will look at this issue not through the pair of grey tainted lens? that i will be accepting of myself and all that comes along with it? what then, have i done by panicking?
what then have i done by freaking out?

perhaps this is but a step backwards...
and i will move on again...

sanity fading...

writing is making me feel alive, make me feel like i really am living, a feeling otherwise unknown to me...

it's been a while since I last spoke to her... and yet, not a day go by without me thinking of our memories together... memories that she felt tainted by tears and pain... a tapestry paint in crimson tears that holds only pain and suffering...
yet, through my eye, it was not so...

perhaps it's just me... who lives blinded by life's truth...

I am being emotional... a little irrational... I know.
yet, I don't really feel like holding back my sorrow...
don't feel like pretending that everything's fine when it's obvious that it's not...
yes, I don't feel like keeping it inside... for it's suffocating... these emotions...

i need to cry, I need a release...
I need to feel once more...
this pain inside of me... denied of it's existance is frantically crying out for attention...
I can't ignore it much longer...
yet, by doing so, does it means that I will have to give up what I hold dear to my heart? that I will have to give up what I've strived hard for? whatever accomplishments I've made while journeying through insanity and back will all go to waste? that I will have to start all over again from the very begining?

no, this is not what i want....
I am more persistant than this...
yet, the moodswing's are back...
and it's getting disturbing...

i don't want to falter in my belief in my self-worth...
I want to hold onto the me who can do so much... who can give so much...

perhaps I am just asking too much of myself...
perhaps I am just pushing myself simply too much...
yet, if not this path, what other roads is there for me to take?
if not this journey, what else lies ahead of me?
I don't know...

the unknown always frightens me... scares me...
I am but a slave to my fears...
I want to break free...
to be a master of myself...
but yet, can I?
all these times, all these futile attempts at setting myself free...
not once I've succeeded...

I am loosing my ability to think.. to sort my thoughts...
I thought that keeping myself busy would solve my problems...
perhaps I am jsut too naive...

if only things were that simple...

I am simply going over and over again about my moodswings, about my whirlpool of emotions... like a broken record, going on for eternity....

someone, please stop me, anyone... stop me...
stop my sanity from fading...
stop this hope of recovery that I hold dearly to to stay visible...
as I loose sight to what I can be... to what I hope to be...
slowly, gradually, surely...

fading...

time

time is passing by so fast...
I need to write and write and keep on writing to know that this is the present...
to know that I've lived
to show that I am still living....

feeling disconnected from reality...
feeling unreal...

I know, it's always the same
my emotions are always the same...
yet it is something that I just can't seem to handle well...
not that I cna handle a lot of things well anyway...
just that after so long, I ought to not be surprised about it...
I ought to be able to deal with it in daily living...

it's just repetitive posting of the same emptiness inside..
a void that nothing seems to be able to fill it...

Love will keep us alive ~Eagles~

空虚

睡觉醒来后，心情依然是灰灰的……
是我做得不够好吗？是我不够乖，上天要惩罚我吗？
情绪不稳，是我的错吗？
处了忍耐、接受……
我还是得忍耐、接纳这离完美离得太离谱的自己……
可以做的到的，我都已做了。
心情却仍旧是沉重的。
到底错在哪儿呢？

其实，我想要的是什么呢？
曾经以为，能够微笑的度过每一天，我就足够了……
但，问心一句，真的是足够吗？
完美主义者的我，真的能够就这样觉得满足吗？
我真的可以吗？
真的能够抛开完美注意的个性吗？

不知道了……

最近，发现对自己的事情慢慢地变得越来越搞不明白了……
仿佛，自己变成了另一个人，一个自己根本就不认识的人了。
这变化，是好的吗？还是不好的呢？
这自己，是真实的吗？是虚假的吗？
分不清了……
在真与假的境界里，我已经划不清界限很久很久了……

心里隐隐作痛……
虽然并不是剧烈的疼痛，但却是足以将一个好端端的人折磨得每日以泪水过日子的……
更何况，我和其他的人根本就比不上……
我到底能够再撑多久呢？
我还能够坚强多久呢？
能够为自己做到的，除了默默的忍受，还是忍受！
而最近，以往诉苦的对象已变得再也不能够以坦诚对待的人了，就为了工作两个字……
不能够让他知道自己正在为了每日的生活而挣扎着……
更不能够让他知道，自己被情绪纠缠的日子，已经再次的开始了，而这次的折磨，不知会次序多久……一天？两天？一周？一个月？
到底，为了工作而放弃诉苦的对象，值得吗？
为了让别人对自己另眼相看，放弃对自己的心情坦诚、直率，值得吗？

觉得自己好假……
觉得自己只懂得带着面具面对待人生……
觉得自己蛮可怜的……
因为，我已失去了自己……

迷失了方向的羔羊，如果没有人察觉它不见了而四处去寻找它，它有能力自己回家吗？

还是无题……

有好多好多的情绪想要发泄，但该往哪儿发泄呢？
情绪好不平衡，真的真得让我不知所措了……
好害怕黑暗的来临，但没有了黑暗，没有了夜晚，又怎么来的光明呢？
在情绪的十字路口上，我迷失了方向……
总觉得自己不够好，总觉得自己是蛮差劲的……
这样长年累月对自己的指责，虽打从心里不想再继续下去，但却没有“改变”的勇气……
也许是因为太适应了……

不想这样下去了！
但又能够如何呢？

想要变成胡蝶的我，依然还是只毛毛虫……
还要将幸福快乐带给身旁的人的我，依然只能够让人因为我而受伤……
想做得和能够做的到的，一点也不一致……
觉得自己一个人的时候，更别人在一起的时候，最善于变化……
整个人假假的……
哪儿个是真实的自己，已经在也分不出了……
好可怕的一个事实……
但最终还是个事实……
这条路好漫长，让我都快了坏了，但除了走，还是要走……

无题

真的真的好害怕，害怕会将事情通通搞得一塌糊涂的……
但，害怕有用吗？会使得事情一切顺顺利利地进行吗？
不会，一点都不会……
我需要平静下来，让自己有些呼吸的空间……
停下来，思考思考，然后再继续上路……
但，为何，这一切我都知道，但却一点儿也办不到！
心情依然是乱乱的……
更是害怕的……
到底我是真么搞的，我已经不懂了……
在这人山人海的城市里，我已迷失了自己……
没有了呼吸的空间，更没有了停下来休息的余地……
迷惑在人类的繁忙中……

have i gone overboard?

am I doing the right thing? by taking actions as such? am just simply prying into other's privacy? what is all this caring and being nice to others?
am I really that nice? or am I just someone who's doing all these in hope that people will think that I am a caring person... it's like you're doubting yourself over everything you do and have done....

will I be actually repeating the same mistake as i have the last time i got worried?

senseless....

emotions they come and they go...
sometimes I really do wonder what is reality....
it's not like i am feeling estremely low or something like that, but it's jsut subtle emotional pain that keeps nagging at me.... pain that will never go away for as long as live... perhaps it really is so.... always in me... pain that defines me...

or have i just simply fallen into the trap of playing the sick role? wanting to be cared for... wanting to be weak just so people would stop and ask how am i doing...
then again, wasn't I the one who truly hate being that way? am I not the one who wants to get stronger? to be better?

to not falter in my beliefs that "I can" and "I will"?

J said that he would like to hear about me from me... not others... not through people who grew concern over me falling back to being sick and weak... that he wants to know if anything is wrong through my mouth... through me telling him... that he knows that I hide things... that he knows that I don't tell him stuff....

but I can't be crying to people everytime i feel down, can I? especially when these feeligns are jsut so momentarily.... when it's all just that spur of a moment... it's not like it's lingering for ever... it's just at that time....

yes, I know... no matter how bad it gets... no matter how intolerable it feels and it seems... it is but a moment's worth of feelings....

moodswings.. or so it is called....

I really can't and shouldn't be complaining... I have so much... yet this pain....
doesn't this sentence just sound all too familiar?
this is what emotional pain is....
you wanna make sense of it but it's just one thing that can never be made sense of....

I am just ranting, venting... going on and on about non-sensical issues that are not even supposed to be bothering me...

I need to stay focus but my mind feels all mush up... as if it's melting away...
nights when I lie in my bed, curled up into a ball... wishing that things would end..... that has never left me... it's still here, it's still real...
I don't deny it....
but am I really that strong? can I sustain this?
I am not sure myself... but I will try...
it's not time to give up yet...

yet, sometimes, it's just so hard... to keep up with time, to keep up with my wandering thoughts.... as I loose myself in the realm of imagination....

where reality and ideal intertwined....
where emotions facilitates...
me, myself... entwined.....

the greatest gift

today, you gave me the best thing that you can ever give....
the gift of acceptance....

I feel acknowledged, accepted, understood.... it's as if the barrier that has been long standing for eternity has been broken by your simple act of motherly love...
it's not that you never loved me, no not that.. cos I know you do... and deeply too...
it's more of accepting me as who i am... flaws and all...
looking at me straight in the eye, not runnning away from the fact that I am less than perfect....

that is more than I could ever ask for....

I feel as if a strong pillar of strenght has been set up inside me... a pillar of strenght made of love... tha tI will not falter under your wings... that you'll be there, forever with open arms when I get tired and need a rest... until I can take flight once again in search of my dreams....

mom, thank you....
and I love you....

I don't want things to fall apart....

but somehow or rather, I am warry of that...
for I myself am falling apart....
bits and pieces of me...
slowly, gradually... surely....

can I ask for help when I don't even stand up in seek of assistance?
who am I yet again to ask of assistance when I so strongly want to be left alone to my own devices... if only "believe in yourself" really does work....
so many "if only's".....

alone i stand under this moonlit night... tears flow down my eyes....

I cried....
a cry of pain.....
of sorrow, of shame....
of anguish, of despair....

am I but playing a loosing game?
loosing my mind...
loosing everything in sight....?

perhaps I really am immatured...
perhaps I really am insane...
perhaps all these while it's only been me who has been trying so desperately to convince myself otherwise...
if only I really can be otherwise...
can i really be? normal?

free of these moodswings?
free of myself, yearning for a tommorow that will never ever come my way?

tears to wash away this pain...

dissociating.... breaking apart....
help me...
hatred, pain... engulfing me...
I need a release, an outlet... to let this all go.... to let myself go...
there is no one that I can tell, no one that I trust enough to tell...
left alone with me and myself and all this anguish that burns deep into my soul....
carving it's existance into my very being....

help me... trapped and alone...
crying in vain... not?
will these tears wash away this pain?
as I regain my stand on this stage called life once again?

a piece of you in me....

I remembered, I recalled... what I never want to... what I would wished I never have to...

that you pushed me that night...
that it was so hard a push that I fell head first onto that solid marble floor...
that it was so painful that I didn't even feel pain....
that in that split second, you've turned into a monster...

that piece of you... that memory of you, still reside in me... even to this day.. two and a half years later...

help me....

please, I hate this fluctuating emotions... I am faltering.. I am falling... anyone, someone, please help me... help me to stay strong, to brave the odds... to ride the waves... so that I am ok...

but then, is there really anyone?
when I myself don't even start helping myself by telling people?

but then, can I really tell? who then, can I tell?

Moodswings...

It's back...
they're back....
and here I am trembling, scared....

denial?

was it really that strange when I laughed when I screwed up for my presentation? why did J see it as me being "high"? why did he presumed that I am in denial of my moods? why is it that people perceive it in that way when all that it is, is simply my own way of coping with failure, for once, not by breaking down......

is it just like what we were taught in lectures? social schemas that people hold onto either consciously or otherwise? why must people hold on to the stereotypical image of how I should be based on past knowledge of who I am? are changes really that insignificant that they are not worth noticing? or is it because the moment there is knowledge as me being a flawed being, there is no turning back in people's perspective... that forever I will be viewed, not matter what I do, what I accomplish, as a fragile being that is prone to breaking down...

why do you all judge me so?
am I really that unreliable?
is it really that impossible for someone like me to change? how then, can you all tell people in my situation that recovery is possible, that it will get better, when the people that we trust the most to believe in us lacks faith the most?

perhaps you were jsut concerned, and I appreciate that... truly.

but I too need to be trusted by, to have someone have faith in me...

it wasn't denial, it was jsut my way of coping... perhaps there is a little denial, but definitely, it's not as how you think I am....

truth is, it did hurt, a lot... failure always hurts... but i am tryin not to be affected by it... tryin really hard... really really hard... I don't want to fall back into the hole from which I climbed out of... mistakes may be painful... but the greatest pain is to repeatedly repeat the same mistake over and over again without being able to control it.

I will try to gain control.... no matter what it takes, I refuse to get sick...

positive self talk... research shows it works, but sometimes I can't help but wonder, does it really? does it really apply to everyone? what if I am the odd one out? what if what I ahve is really biological? what if it really is out of my control? what if I am internalizing everything too much?

or am I jsut medicalizing my experiences with emotions?

where is that thin fine line that separates sanity and insanity? who defines it?
perhaps I really have gone crazy....

my shell...

I'm tired, exhausted... so much so that all I wish for is a nice long nap that I will never have to wake up from.... flaurished with dreams of all the things in life that I can never have, that will enver come my way.... how dreams remain dreams...

I am looking at life through my pair of grey shaded glasses again... many would simply comment that it's a choice, MY choice to do so... that it's me who don't want to let go of the me that is depressed... the me that was what clinicians would gladly label as "ill"... but then, what if it's really not my choice....? anyone ever considered that option and stop putting all the blame on me? what if I really can't control it? as I am voicing it out now, is there anyone to believe me? is there anyone to take my words for what it really is?

it's so hard... to live a life not knowing yourself for what you truly are, beneath all the layers, all the mask you put on each day jsut so that you can face the world without tears....

perhaps, it was meant to be an everlasting masquerade ball afterall... of which we change partners, meet new people with new personas at the end of each new tune....

I wanna jsut crawl back to my shell for all i care... it's just getting to become more and more overwhelming and I question my abilities now... right this instant, where do i stand on this scale of stability as defined by everyone else but me... where do I stand?

hate this... emotions are wearing me down... my moodswings are back... paralysing... enough of self pitying... enough of self indulgence in deep depression.... yet, there isn't much that I can do really... perhaps I have just conformed to what the norm says a mental patient should act like... perhaps I've grown so accustomed to being ill, being helpless, being hopeless that the world seems so surreal, seems so strange to me... that it frightens me...

perhaps, it's because being ill is the only identity that I've ever had... that I've ever known myself with.... without my illness, I am no one.... for that I fear... I fear getting well for getting well means loosing a part of me that I've gotten used to for so long... a part of me that makes me me...

irony...

i've worked so hard just to get to where I am... yet deep down I really don't want to be here...

I don't understand... I can't understand... it doesn't make sense....

I jsut want to crawl back into my shell ad sleep for eternity....