Sunday, July 09, 2006

in a crowd I stand... all alone this world I face...

I hate this lingering loneliness that is trying its very best to get the better of me...

this empty sensation is begining to feel all so overwhelming once again, as I slowly drift off into the other side of the world, to a world that only I exists.... no, this is not loneliness.... this is jsut being alone....

loneliness is when no matter how many people are around you, you still feel like you're the only one left standing there, having to face a world that you dread facing.... a world that only you reside in and yet that is the very fact that you simply hate so very much....

I hate being who I am...
and sometimes, I truly wonder, truly truly wonder why is it that I am still alive now... what is it that has held me together... my very broken shattered self that should have been lost long ago with the sands of time... why is it that I am still here? is this a blessing or a curse...?

sure, everyone would say that to live is the best thing in life... greet each morning with a bright smile and live life to the fullest... but then again, sometimes, it hurts so much... it jsut hurts so so much.... it's not fair to have anyone for that matter to be in this much pain... no one should be living in constant pain... what's more when it's a pain that can neither been seen nor eased.... no, it can't be.... it's a part of who I am... this pain, this despair... it's my identity...

it's not that I am trying to play the victim in everything... it's not for attention... it's jsut plain expression... an expression of my feelings... telling of a story.... story of a girl so emotional driven, yet void of feelings....

it is possible you know, to be both filled with emotion and yet void of feelings at the same time.... it's possible....

and that possiblity is me...

numbness has been my long time friend now.... one that will never leave me...

perhaps, it's better this way... to be how I am no matter how much I despise this me... this person who is just plain existing, nothing more, nothing less.... existing cos she no longer have the courage to do otherwise.... she can't die, therefore she has got to live.... but then, living is not really defined by plain breathing now... is it? not for me anyway at least....

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