somethings will be there for a long long time...

received a letter of invitation to review the terms and conditions for my "behavioural contract" with the MRS with J and T.

I know both of them are jsut doing their job, but hey, does anyone think about how I willl feel to receive such an "invitation letter", which is not much of an invitation anyway due to the fact is that invitations means that you have a choice of going or not going, and in my case, it's jsut a nicer way of saying that we're expecting you, so be there...

jsut because I have issues and am not a very healthy person, does it mean that I need special treatment? if someone is sick, physically, you don't have "contract" with that person whatsoever, you might not even be bothered much about it other than jsut asking the usual
"how are you"s when you pass them by....

I feel discriminated cause mine is psychiatric and not physical...

it's mixed feelings... on one hand I know that people care, on the other i really hate the fact that they think they know what is best for me or not... I am not crazy, I do not need to have my patient's autonomy taken away by professionals dealing with me... especially since T don't even know me well.... am I so untrustable to be left alone?

sigh... I don't know what am I babling about....
I don't wanna think about it
it's putting strain on myself....
I hate it so much!
the attention.... the very fact that the when people look at me, they don't see me, they see a girl with psychiatric problems... never me...

has it been so long that my problems have becomed my personality?

analysis? well... sort of...

more compassion? more lovingly?
how....?
am I really so much like mom that I am never stingy when it comes to critisms? in so many ways i aspire to be like her... her strenght, her motivation... but her perfectionism is jsut something that I want not... I just so do not want it!
but then again, are changes possible? or is it so deeply carved into my personality that it will stay with me as long as I live? a blessing yet a curse?
I belief it can be changed....
I do....
I choose to....

Evidence of my progress? evidence of my fragile sanity?
- performance in uni
- acceptance of whatever life throws at me... well at least try to
- take control of what I can control of...
- take things as it is for those that I can't and not sweat over it.... well, trying hard at that too...
- learned well not to ignore... sometimes ignorance is bliss while most times not
- talk, talk, talk.... no more keeping things inside
- talk to the right people...
- using operant conditioning on myself...^.^
- find reasons to smile....

that's all for now... to be reviewed....

Mood swings..

they baffle me...
too fast...
I can't keep up with them anymore...

gone

the feelings are overwhelming me again... help I cry out but there is no one to hear me out... I need an escape... I need to run, run so far away from harm's way... help me, please, anyone... someone....

I am sinking deeper and deeper into a state of confusion created by none other than myself... perhaps it's my wish coming true... to allow myself once again to sink that deep... to go that far... to reach for the unspeakable... pain... pure pain shooting up my spine... pain that need no receptors to prove its existance..... the pain visible to me alone... felt by me alone... made real for and by me alone....

I am mumbling, complaining again..... what is new? emotions that cripples me... this is not new... but this time, it's not resistance that I sense... it's not fighting to get out, to be free that I see myself doing... it's abiding by the rules of this game that I wonder now its true significance... its true meaning.... is this really worth it? to go this far? to wish that I go this far?

this is not the process of falling... this is jumping into a space where I can free-fall, at my own will, at my own pace... my own speed, my own choice.... this time, as much as I hate to say it, to admit it, it's my doings.... I wanted to feel.... yet, this is not the emotion that I seek..... this is not the feeling that I long to embrace within me again....

this is emptiness..... no matter how much I try to feel... I can't... no matter how much I allow myself to fall so as to jsut feel... to prove my existance as a human being.... to have emotions... I can't.... something's been taken away from me.... I've been robbed of the funtamental aspect of being alive.... I've been robbed of my ability to feel... to understand emotions... to know that I have emotions....

everything is jsut mere words now... everything..... it carries nothing but the meaning which man has given it.... it's jsut mere words, sound that we produce.....

or perhaps, maybe....

I wasn't robbed... i gave it away... during my darkess times, I've willingly traded it with emptiness... I've willingly given it away so as to not feel the pain... I had let it be taken away from me with open arms....

I am but a fool.....
I am but a fool....
I am but a fool..
I am but a FOOL.

help me please... life lived with no emotions is not a life worth living.... help me please.... someone.... I've thrown away the one thing that jsutifies my living.....
it's myself to blame... my foolishness....

yet, could I have done otherwise? could I have been strong enough?
the devil is it, my saviour is still it.... what really are choices?
what are the choices that I really do have anyway?

none.......
it's all a lie...
a delusion created by life itself.....
that has tricked me into playing this role...
for these many years I've been blind....
yet blinded by the pain that only I can see....
I cannot stand it no longer....

lost....

To Go That Far Again..., to see if i like it better....

this is going to sound crazy and all... but I am having this feeling of wanting to be depressed and suicidal and all.... it don't make sense I know... but this is what I am feeling now.... and I don't understand... really... don't understand at all...

I've been fine for the past 3 or 4 weeks without any episodes and all... and everything 's been well... I've been studying, been productive in my assignments, been having more energy... basically feeling more normal, more well....

but somehow, somewhere, something is missing big time....

I feel like wanting to get sick again... I know I sound crazy and masochistic and all... but really, part of me wants to get sick again... so sick that I cease to function... so sick that I fall back into the depths of depression... jsut so to see if I like it better that way....

yes, I know this don't sound right... cos when I was deep down there, I was complaining and all.. trying my best to get out, trying my best to get better.... hating my life when I am depressed... but now when the meds are working... at least I think they are starting to work... I feel as if I have lost part of myself along with stabilizing my moods....

I don't know how to let go... it's been that I've been in pain for so long that life without pain sort of don't feel right to me anymore... it's like I've accustomed to pain and suffering... depression, anxiety... insanity....

I don't want yet I want...

I'm confused....

help.... please...

darkness

I'm having more down days than not lately... perhaps it's just from the stress... or perhaps not? I don't know... all that I do know is that though I don't really actually feel unwell, but I don't totally feel well either... either way I am lost.... confused even about my own self...

I need an outlet for my thoughts and feelings... but somehow... I have this stupid habit of doing everything too much... I feel too much... I "un-feel" too much all at the same time... I breed confusion.... Help....!

A lot of thoughts are ruuning through my mind now.. a lot that I want to say... a lot that I jsut can't get the right words to explain, to express... but it's blocked.... my ability to express has been retarded.... it's has been taken away from me.... I can't describe what this feeling is.... I jsut can't...

the feeling of....

wandering....

alone I journeyed along
wandering, searching
my heart's lost to the world
emotions spiraling out of reach
drowned in confusion
Lost to me, myself
Fear's footprints left
my memories

~untitled~

Unrestrained,
I wish to soar
To touch the sky I've longed for
An aspiration set from yesteryears
To have the wind blow away my fears

Seemingly unreachable then it seemed
A dream yet within a thousand dreams
Embedded amongst them the light of hope
A fiery flame
Courage to cope

Times there were when odds were high
Mood swings, they’re called
The smiles and the sighs
Ups and Downs life may offer
Ultimately still my call
To choose to or not,
To suffer

A blessing yet a curse, this pain
Sanity, insanity, changing lanes
No one to comprehend
Alone I’ll have to withstand
Yet from it,
Knowledge I’ve gained
The gift of understanding others’,
I’ve attained

Freedom from pain I hope to be
The me in my dreams I long to see
Yet now as I soar ahead of time
Looking back
There is much I have to leave behind
Just so to not feel the inner turmoil
To be free of this emotional coil

Entwined within myself I am
A poet reciting her pain yet again
Hoping not the death of faith
Though knowing still
An endless journeying lies ahead

To know and pretend not to?

What's one's deepest feelings and thoughts? those that they themselves know or those that are considered our subconscious? those that remain "sub-obvious"? Do I really want to know everything? Even those which are adviced to be left alone, untouched?
Or do I not and jsut pretend that I want to cos it's the right thing to do?

Deepest thoughts eh?
Who determines the measurement for depth of our thoughts and feelings?
If it's non other than us ourselves....?

A lot has been happening lately... for one thing, I feel productive... really productive... working late nights on my assignments, my studies... should be feeling proud of myself, shouldn't I? but it's weird... somewhere... something is not quite right... I don't know what, I am not sure... but this feeling... this I know...

I'm not depressed
I'm not anxious
I'm not in fear
I'm not sick

I'm just having a strange feeling....

And I'm not trying to see the worse of things, neither am I all out scouting for trouble either....

it's this conflicting emotion that is bothering me...
confusion within myself... questions that appear from no where...

Perhaps I;m just thinking way too much.. perhaps I've jsut watched too much anime...
perhaps, jsut so many perhaps....

that.. that... having such a nice time, I'm afraid...
too many times it has repeated itself... that bad things precede good days... so much so that the trauma lingers... these residual false anxious-depressed feelings...

All of these... am I aware? Do I allow myself to be aware or am I still frantically trying to cover up.. to pretend... to live a life of pretend as facing it would be painful? what is my choice? do I really have a choice anyway?

yet, I've said too much...
yet, it's time I stop...
To think things through... To think this over...
To get a breather... To live... To stay living in this world however best that I can...

musings

to write, to draw, to sing
to express
to recollect, to remember, to know
to learn
to see, to feel, to think
to live

to express is to learn,
to learn is to live,
to live is to exist...

and to be me....

昨日は楽しかったです！

it was fun to feel inhibited.. unrestrained....
I was enjoying myself... having fun.. but not meaning to be negative, but somehow, somewhere... when fun feels out of place and when outspoken becomes too loud and noisy....

though my mind wasn't spinning... I knew something wasn't quite right... something was wrong somewhere... I know... cos it wasn't me yesterday... I was someone else...

yes, no doubts about having real lots of fun.... and who wouldn't want to be that outspoken girl who is outright sporting and all? who plays along well and is not shy after she sort of "warms up" yes, it was good being her... it's good for making new friends.... good for having a fun time... good for socialization...

but no... not so good when somehow, somewhere along the line of having fun, it splits... it becomes dissociation... it becomes a depersonalisation phenomena... a feeling that if you're not feeling it will never understand it.... call it anxiety or whatever... it sure wasn't a good pleasant feeling.... it wasn't...

you feel thorn... between yourself and yourself....
but yes, I did have fun.. I did enjoy myself.... yes, I did and I am human after all...

Feeling tired of everything...

everything seems so far from my reach and life is tiring me down...
I miss being on the high speed highway that my mind once was on... not saying that I am hyper of crazy or anything... jsut saying that i missed being who i used to be.... I feel as if I've reverted back to back when I was the unpopular girl in school who don't talk to anyone, whom no one wants to talk to either...
the person that I hated so much was me, and is now becoming me again....

i am loosing enrgy faster than i can gain them... nothing seems to work.... leaving me feeling helpless and worthless all at the same time...

in front of others, when i have to, when situation needs me to, i put up a facade to cover this pathetic being that is me... a bad excuse for a human being...

I feel degraded by myself... looked down upon.... hated by myself, that is yours truly....

laments no longer seem enough to take away with it all these feelings pent up inside me... sometimes i truly wonder if the phrase "letting go" actually do exist....

i know i'm spending way too much time being absorbed in this self depising competition, but i jsut can't help it.... I want to be free and be happy but somehow... somewhere along the line, the journey of being free of my pain, i just happen to get lost... jsut like that... I jsut loose my way, my direction somehow... it's as if something is stopping me... going against me... tryin to stop me from being happy, from feeling okay for once like everyone else....

stuck and trapped....

help

私、何が成った？

最近、私の気分は時々好い時々悪いんですから、私自分は知らない。
最悪な気持ちですよ、自分は自分しらなかったの時は！
私何時も友達に「大丈夫、自分の気持ちは自分で守っている！」と言います。
これでも、心がまだ痛いですよ！
とても痛い！
私、本当に今の私は大嫌い！この彼の気持ちを傷つけたかもしれないの私は、大嫌い！
自分は一番解る、今の私はふつの自分じゃなくて、誰にも好きの私じゃなくて！
今の私、面白いな人じゃなくて、親切な人じゃなくて、友達は嫌いな人、怖かったな人です！
如何した私はこの私に成ったですか？
酷いよ、人生！

I'm broken beyond repair... and i made him cry...

I made him cry again... the person that I love.. I made him cry in front of me again... by just being myself.... of jsut how I hate the me right now... the me who is withdrawn, inresponsive, irritable... the me which I jsut can't change at all!!!!

I can't do anything right...
I jsut can't!!!

please, someone, anyone please help me out here... I need help now!!!

sigh...

what are friends for anyway?

some time ago, I remember writing a poem colleboratively with my "best friend"... well, at least at time she was anyway.... it was entitled " friends are....". It was one of the many poems that both of use have written during boring classes back in high scholl... those were the days... indeed... when everything was simpler easier to understand....

sometimes I wonder if those really are my thoughts though...
makes me wonder... how is it that i was able to write like that?
where did my inspiration of yesteryear go now that I need it the most? when has it left me, where has it left to?

friend broke her arm, we were at the hospital's emergency department for at least 5 hours.
I can't and wouldn't leave anyone in that state... it's scary... I know that feeling and i hate that feeling myself....

do onto others what you want others do onto you....

yea... that age old quote.... but it's so right... so true.....
yet....
yet.... there is this feeling now... right now inside of me that is screaming and screaming non-stop, tryin to reach for help....
perhaps I'm jsut worn out, tired.... end of story... but this is different... amidst my aching muscles there is a miserable feeling.... a feeling that is all too familiar to me now.....
a feeling of hopeless-ness, of despair.... of death and dying....

I'm depressed.... and I need a friend...
help please....

I'm missing everyone....

this is not a usual feeling.... I am not used to these feelings... I don't understand... I am not the type who will miss someone jsut like that... this is not usual for me...

yet, I know these feelings are real....
these emotions are not make belief...

I have to face these...

too much of everything

I miss dad... yes, I miss my dad.. perhaps these feelings are percipitated by movies or shows that show a loving family and the sorts one may easily argue his / her point.. but the baseline is still that i miss my dad....

I don't know what am i doing writing this anyway... perhaps it's grief, perhaps it's jsut the pain resurfacing... there is so much "perhaps"..... that's at some point... it becomes too much.... too much to know, too much to bear....

one step at a time....

yea... just one tiny step at a time and soon I'll reach my goal... the hardest part is not the walking... it's making the first step... taking the big leap into the unknown and trust that you'll be alright... that's the hardest....

the music is soothing... comforting even.... it stills time... calms an anxious mind, heals a broken heat... yes, the power of songs... of music... of sounds made to go in a particular sequence, in a way that it is like candy floss to the ears...

well, at least the types of music that I like are....
yes... I still have likes... yes, I am not loosing hope....
though loosing grip of reality is no child's play.... at least it's not as devastating as loosing all hope and faith that this too shall pass one day, someday......

tears can never wash away my pain..... that's what I've learnt thus far... it can't and it won't....
tears exists only to remind us of our emotions... to remind us that we're human after all...
to act as a healing tool that helps in the healing... but it'll only work if there is someone using it....
it'll only help in the healing process, we are the ones that need to initiate THAT process in the first place....

Life....

so much to say, so much to write down.... yet, when too much seems too little.. and when minimal seems overwhelming, that's when you'll know that it's time to get help.... to save ourselves from futher drowning in the deep sea of insanity....

whoever said that life is easy and that we're the ones that made it hard is a liar! Life is heard to start with... and it gets hearder and harder as we go on further in life.... when we keep staying alive... life didn't get any easier with time... we just got better at coping, it's jsut us that got better at living life.... it's in all human's nature to be manipulative.... cause it's nature's gift to us... as a coping mechanism to enhance our chances of survival in this cruel harsh world call reality in the realms of our own dreams and aspirations.. in this thing called "life".....

I know this is just utter babbling without any signs of coherence... but I don't care... cause it's what I call feelings... emotions.... see, I'm still very much alive....
not my usual self.. but me nonetheless....

I'm still me....
though no longer intense and sudden are mt emotions....
though no longer flying sky high are my dreams....

I am still me....
still me nonetheless

and I treasure being me

今の気持ちが嫌い！

I don't like the feeling of always being lost in my own thoughts, my own world.... but I can't help it! no matter how hard I try, I couldn't.. I still couldn't pull myself up from this fall... it's embarasingly painful to be like this.....

I need to pick myself up from where I fell... I need to grow and continue growing... and not let a simple thing like this to hinder me from my dreams... yet, I don't seems to be able to see signs of hope..... I don't seem to be able to catch glimpses of the flickering light at the end of the tunnel....
silver linings are not presenting themselves to me this time around....

I try to see the glass as half full yet life is teaching me day after day that it's half empty.....

寝ません

I can't sleep.. this is bad, real bad... this shouldn't be happening to me....
I need to function, I need to be okay enough to study.. no.. I need to be okay cos I need to get good grades... but thoughts are flooding my brain.... they're killing me.... help! anyone, please, Help!!!

running at high speed.... bound to fall somewhere...

thoughts are faster than usual....
I can't stop them... they keep coming back....
perhaps this time, I am done for... this time.... it's really trying its very best to bring me down...
no... this cannot be how things will go...
my life is ahead of me...
trying to catch up... but this pace is far too fast....
far too fast...
loosing time literally...
loosing grip of sanity....

help me... stop me...
save me....

助けて！
もう止めなさい！

help me....

thoughts are crowding my mind...
I need a release from this pain....
I know I shouldn't, but I am complaining... for it is hurting... a lot!

once again, you've got records....

it's always like that isn't it...? jsut because I was in loads of trouble last year... it doesn't mean that I need to be watched over for fear that I might be a threat of safety to myself and to others....

I appreciate that you care... but, then.....
it hurts as well.... to know that I am seen by those who know as "crazy" as a sick person that will never recover.... as one who will always need to be looked after....

how can I then come out of my shell then? how can I even convey the simple truth if I am okay or not when people have already kept in mind that I will never be okay... at least not as okay as everyone else....?

I feel lost....
despairing..... hope to die....
yet, I don't want to give up living just yet....
so what is this?

it has never been this much hard work...

everything takes effort nowadays.... Every little thing that I've taken for granted for so long.. things that come natural to me don't anymore... and it scares me shitless to even acknowledge that I am slowly slipping away....

my head is spinning again, even the tiniest bit of information seems so much... it's overwhelming to be me, to be the me who is desperately trying to survive in this whirlwind of a life....

maybe cause I'm drugged, maybe cause it's jsut who I am....
I feel sickly... invalid.... I can't be that bubly lil'ole me that i was once so proud of... the me that jokes around, the me that people enjoy company with... not this lifeless form of a human being that when you look into her eyes, you see a deep soul-less glare that seems to be lost somewhere far away in her own dream world, detached, from the world called reality....

maybe it's better like that... not taking anyone down with me.... it's not fare that anyone else should suffer on my behalf over soemthing that is none of their concern for that matter....

yet, loneliness is feeling that can kill, that can shatter the beliefs of even the most faithful....

I can't stand alone, yet help seems more of a threat than a shoulder to cry on, to lean on....

it's just life i guess, it's jsut my life .....
and only I can walk down this winding path...
only i and only me alone shall I walk....