sometimes, it makes me wonder... is it really therapy? does he really focus on the psychological part of my problems or is he really the type where he is more into prescribing meds to help with the symptoms. I am not really sure which is which... it's always about meds... it's always like that... it's not that I hate seeing him, it's not that I dread the sessions.... it's not that at all... in fact, I kinda enjoy talking to him, I've learnt a lot that I wouldn't have otherwise, learnt alot about what my text books couldn't teach, learnt a lot about life and living in itself....
yet, time and again, I question... I really do hate this part of me that questions everything that comes in sight.... I keep wondering and seeking answers in areas that perhaps is better left unknown, untouched.... I keep wanting to know more about things that perhaps is just not the right time for me yet... yet, I keep wanting to... I lack the patience that I truly need so badly... I need the wisdom of being able to look at different situations and act accordingly.... I am just too self centred....
we talk about Freud, about his other patients, about so many other things, but never really directly about me... I know well though that no matter how far fetch it all seemed, somehow it's all related to me in one way or another... but it's just that it's always turning around in circles... beating around the bush... it's never directly, simply about me.
perhaps he's doing it for my good, perhaps he is being cautious, not wanting to make me think more that I should, worry more than I already am... perhaps, it's more of wanting me to use my head for once and not just simply rely on everyone else and direct information for answers... perhaps, it's to encourage me... to let me know that I am not alone...
on one hand, I really wished that he would talk to me directly about the issue at hand and not about other things... on the other, I am somewhat greatful that he's not interrogrative.... and doesn't rush me.... where he isn't like Rabin who made it straight to the point, with my file on his desk, wide open and all... and with me selecting my words so that it doesn't end up being scribbled in his file of mine something to show that I've gone insane...
with him, this was never the case.... I can say what I want, when I want, however much I want.... there really is no limit, there really is no rules... it's like talking to a friend who is really well read and patient... it's like I am being given a time space of an hour a month to either be spent venting, or simply listening to stories and reflecting on them....
it is nice in a way....
yea...
I guess, I shouldn't really be thinking so much... in the main thing is still that I don't collapse, that I don't break down... that I will remain sane even when life is trying to convince me to take the other path down insanity....
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Madness defined....
what is madness anyway? is it used simply to describe someone who is mentally ill? what then constitutes to the whole definition of it when it simply only takes in one-sided stories of people who are mad? is it so that just because these people, these presumably "mad" people would and shall have no say in this due to the fact that "autonomy" don't play a valid role in their lives in the eyes of others?
so then, is madness simply a term coined up and is socially defined?
or can madness be a form of introspective speculation of oneself? a sort of perception that people who are "mad" come about themselves? perhaps then, they wouldn't be really "mad", would they, perhaps then they might actually turn out to be more clear cut in their perception and senses of this world, more rational as they are able to see from a perspective that most of us would never dream of seeing, not to say, rather, not wanting to see....
the world through the eyes of the presumably mentally ill might in fact be much much more real than the presumably real world that we are told we live in today... perhaps those living in a state of hallucinations and delusions are actually those who are really aware of what life is... not so much of us being those who are aware...
madness...
just because someone goes and kill himself, is that madness?
just because someone's ideas are different from the norm, is that madness?
what is there is a legitimate reason behind all these that we just wouldn't accept?
would it be then that we are really the ones who are mad?
so then, is madness simply a term coined up and is socially defined?
or can madness be a form of introspective speculation of oneself? a sort of perception that people who are "mad" come about themselves? perhaps then, they wouldn't be really "mad", would they, perhaps then they might actually turn out to be more clear cut in their perception and senses of this world, more rational as they are able to see from a perspective that most of us would never dream of seeing, not to say, rather, not wanting to see....
the world through the eyes of the presumably mentally ill might in fact be much much more real than the presumably real world that we are told we live in today... perhaps those living in a state of hallucinations and delusions are actually those who are really aware of what life is... not so much of us being those who are aware...
madness...
just because someone goes and kill himself, is that madness?
just because someone's ideas are different from the norm, is that madness?
what is there is a legitimate reason behind all these that we just wouldn't accept?
would it be then that we are really the ones who are mad?
Monday, July 24, 2006
寝たくない！
今日、寝たくない・・・
目を閉じたら、悪い記憶が憶えているから。
痛いよ、不幸な幼年時代の記憶を憶える時。
忘れたい！全部で忘れたい！
新しいの人生が活きたいから・・・
でも、この事ができる？
力がないの私・・・大嫌い！
精神医学者に会って、薬を飲んで
毎日自分の気分を守ってみる・・・
私、良い子成った。
もう一年間だった・・・
如何してまだ病気なの？
何時か元気になるかしら？
怖いよ・・・
厭だよ！
目を閉じたら、悪い記憶が憶えているから。
痛いよ、不幸な幼年時代の記憶を憶える時。
忘れたい！全部で忘れたい！
新しいの人生が活きたいから・・・
でも、この事ができる？
力がないの私・・・大嫌い！
精神医学者に会って、薬を飲んで
毎日自分の気分を守ってみる・・・
私、良い子成った。
もう一年間だった・・・
如何してまだ病気なの？
何時か元気になるかしら？
怖いよ・・・
厭だよ！
Sunday, July 16, 2006
it's only disconnection that I feel
I feel disconnected from my life, this world... it's as if I am living in a dream... where everything is surreal.... it's like i live moment to moment discontinueingly... there is not link between yesterday, today, tommorow... everyday is different and yet everyday is the same... there is no progression, no regression... just mundane life with it's ups and downs that are all so familiar to me now....
it doesn't make sense... this emptiness that i feel... tha ti've fought hard against... it's intimidating... for I jsut can't surpass it's powerful stance that renders me motionless... that paralyses my soul.... taking away my will, my life... along with hopes and dreams that once seemed so real.... as reality fades and insanity invades....
I know not about who I am or what I am here for... everything is in a midst.... everything is starting to make less and less sense to me as time goes on... I really should be feeling awful and depressed... perhaps then will this feelings make sense to my nonsensical life.... but then, now as I am able to perceive the glass as half full, I am in but utter dismay to find myself at wits end to enderstand my very own existance on this planet called Earth....
it's all not making sense....
nothing is wrong... in fact, everything is going great... the only problem is that I am not emotionally present in this life that I've wished for for so long... this life where I have a role to play... this me that I have yearned to become have since then appeared to me a shell... containing no soul.... my soul has set sail on a voyage to an unknown land... hoping to find this thing called "feeling''....
I am but a lone ranger on my journey in search of myself....
knowing well that I will never ever find me again....
once shattered a vase will never be made whole..... together may the pieces be put... yet forever the cracks my past shall be reminded....
I am not making any sense.... I will be considered lucky even if one small portion of this is viewed as coherent.... cos I don't feel much coherence now... I feel separated... I feel disorganised.... a being alive yet not living... oh how familiar this phrase sounds... as if it's songs to my ears with the flowing past of years and sands of time.... a song of melancholy and sadness, peacefullness turned emptiness.... the song of an empty shell of a person....
yes... living yet not a live...
alive yet not living....
like a broken record.... with screeching sounds of a song that will never again be complete.... never again will it play that once melodious tune as it gives in to the darkness that is all consuming....
it doesn't make sense... this emptiness that i feel... tha ti've fought hard against... it's intimidating... for I jsut can't surpass it's powerful stance that renders me motionless... that paralyses my soul.... taking away my will, my life... along with hopes and dreams that once seemed so real.... as reality fades and insanity invades....
I know not about who I am or what I am here for... everything is in a midst.... everything is starting to make less and less sense to me as time goes on... I really should be feeling awful and depressed... perhaps then will this feelings make sense to my nonsensical life.... but then, now as I am able to perceive the glass as half full, I am in but utter dismay to find myself at wits end to enderstand my very own existance on this planet called Earth....
it's all not making sense....
nothing is wrong... in fact, everything is going great... the only problem is that I am not emotionally present in this life that I've wished for for so long... this life where I have a role to play... this me that I have yearned to become have since then appeared to me a shell... containing no soul.... my soul has set sail on a voyage to an unknown land... hoping to find this thing called "feeling''....
I am but a lone ranger on my journey in search of myself....
knowing well that I will never ever find me again....
once shattered a vase will never be made whole..... together may the pieces be put... yet forever the cracks my past shall be reminded....
I am not making any sense.... I will be considered lucky even if one small portion of this is viewed as coherent.... cos I don't feel much coherence now... I feel separated... I feel disorganised.... a being alive yet not living... oh how familiar this phrase sounds... as if it's songs to my ears with the flowing past of years and sands of time.... a song of melancholy and sadness, peacefullness turned emptiness.... the song of an empty shell of a person....
yes... living yet not a live...
alive yet not living....
like a broken record.... with screeching sounds of a song that will never again be complete.... never again will it play that once melodious tune as it gives in to the darkness that is all consuming....
Thursday, July 13, 2006
my mind is killing me
i don't want to go on.... it's hard... so hard...
yet I don't want to leave everything unfinished....
don't want to just give up....
I want to stand strong and brave the mighty winds of change....
but fear, oh all consuming and powerful...
I have sadly succumbed to thee....
yet I don't want to leave everything unfinished....
don't want to just give up....
I want to stand strong and brave the mighty winds of change....
but fear, oh all consuming and powerful...
I have sadly succumbed to thee....
How can I?
yes, I am feeling a little scared about falling back down.... feeling scared about going back to how I was.... and I really don't want... yet, I can only do with what ever I've got.... it's starting again, I know... deep down, I really know... but I cannot tell anyone... I don't want to tell...
part of me knows I can be strong... and that part of me is oh so reluctant to tell anyone... fear of people not trusting em... fear of people questioning my capabilities... I know... I know.... I am simply pushing my limits... I am testing myself.... I am taking a risk that makes me wonder if it's a worthwhile risk to take afterall.....
how can I possibly tell?
on another note... results came out...
and again, how can I tell her that I have one more subject's result witheld?
how can I? it would make her emotions go haywire all in a day....
I don't want her to hate me... love is all that I crave for....
part of me knows I can be strong... and that part of me is oh so reluctant to tell anyone... fear of people not trusting em... fear of people questioning my capabilities... I know... I know.... I am simply pushing my limits... I am testing myself.... I am taking a risk that makes me wonder if it's a worthwhile risk to take afterall.....
how can I possibly tell?
on another note... results came out...
and again, how can I tell her that I have one more subject's result witheld?
how can I? it would make her emotions go haywire all in a day....
I don't want her to hate me... love is all that I crave for....
Sunday, July 09, 2006
in a crowd I stand... all alone this world I face...
I hate this lingering loneliness that is trying its very best to get the better of me...
this empty sensation is begining to feel all so overwhelming once again, as I slowly drift off into the other side of the world, to a world that only I exists.... no, this is not loneliness.... this is jsut being alone....
loneliness is when no matter how many people are around you, you still feel like you're the only one left standing there, having to face a world that you dread facing.... a world that only you reside in and yet that is the very fact that you simply hate so very much....
I hate being who I am...
and sometimes, I truly wonder, truly truly wonder why is it that I am still alive now... what is it that has held me together... my very broken shattered self that should have been lost long ago with the sands of time... why is it that I am still here? is this a blessing or a curse...?
sure, everyone would say that to live is the best thing in life... greet each morning with a bright smile and live life to the fullest... but then again, sometimes, it hurts so much... it jsut hurts so so much.... it's not fair to have anyone for that matter to be in this much pain... no one should be living in constant pain... what's more when it's a pain that can neither been seen nor eased.... no, it can't be.... it's a part of who I am... this pain, this despair... it's my identity...
it's not that I am trying to play the victim in everything... it's not for attention... it's jsut plain expression... an expression of my feelings... telling of a story.... story of a girl so emotional driven, yet void of feelings....
it is possible you know, to be both filled with emotion and yet void of feelings at the same time.... it's possible....
and that possiblity is me...
numbness has been my long time friend now.... one that will never leave me...
perhaps, it's better this way... to be how I am no matter how much I despise this me... this person who is just plain existing, nothing more, nothing less.... existing cos she no longer have the courage to do otherwise.... she can't die, therefore she has got to live.... but then, living is not really defined by plain breathing now... is it? not for me anyway at least....
this empty sensation is begining to feel all so overwhelming once again, as I slowly drift off into the other side of the world, to a world that only I exists.... no, this is not loneliness.... this is jsut being alone....
loneliness is when no matter how many people are around you, you still feel like you're the only one left standing there, having to face a world that you dread facing.... a world that only you reside in and yet that is the very fact that you simply hate so very much....
I hate being who I am...
and sometimes, I truly wonder, truly truly wonder why is it that I am still alive now... what is it that has held me together... my very broken shattered self that should have been lost long ago with the sands of time... why is it that I am still here? is this a blessing or a curse...?
sure, everyone would say that to live is the best thing in life... greet each morning with a bright smile and live life to the fullest... but then again, sometimes, it hurts so much... it jsut hurts so so much.... it's not fair to have anyone for that matter to be in this much pain... no one should be living in constant pain... what's more when it's a pain that can neither been seen nor eased.... no, it can't be.... it's a part of who I am... this pain, this despair... it's my identity...
it's not that I am trying to play the victim in everything... it's not for attention... it's jsut plain expression... an expression of my feelings... telling of a story.... story of a girl so emotional driven, yet void of feelings....
it is possible you know, to be both filled with emotion and yet void of feelings at the same time.... it's possible....
and that possiblity is me...
numbness has been my long time friend now.... one that will never leave me...
perhaps, it's better this way... to be how I am no matter how much I despise this me... this person who is just plain existing, nothing more, nothing less.... existing cos she no longer have the courage to do otherwise.... she can't die, therefore she has got to live.... but then, living is not really defined by plain breathing now... is it? not for me anyway at least....
Saturday, July 08, 2006
conversation between me and myself... 2
1: heya... the penguins were cute, weren't they?
2: yea..... they are so so very small...
1: not to forget that they are also loving towards their offsprings... see how the parents bring food back for the baby penguins...
2: now where did that come from? are you trying to talk about my family again?
1: ermm... yea... can't I?
2: no... why are you so intrigued by the fact that I don't hate dad?
1: cos you're a master in burying emotions, that's why...
2: but like I said, it's over ages ago... and I am just not angry at all... neither do i hate him...
1: why then do you run away from that topic? why then do you always feel unwell when it comes to talking about him? why is it that you always end up feeling empty deep down inside wishing that you are anywhere but here? I know cos I know you best...
2: I feel empty all the time anyway.... what difference does it make? besides, feeling empty is better than feeling so overly anxious and all...
1: but were you not the same person who protested when your meds made you numb? were you not again the same person who was feeling less than human cos you feel like you are void of feeling? you are confused!
2: yes, I know I am all messed up and confused... but it's not like I want to be this way... I jsut am... I just happened to be screwed up in the head, ok?
1: you're playing the role of the victim now... get a grip on yourself and stop blaming things on others... you too hold a certain amount of responsibility.... you stop yourself from feeling... that's not helping at all... though it's true that you may not be getting worse, you're remaining stagnant in one place as well.... to live is to feel... that's what define us as humans....
2: but emotions are dangerous... you can get hurt.... and i don't wanna get hurt...
1: i know what you mean... but you have got to come out of your shell sometime... so why not try now? if you keep waiting for a safe time, that time will never come....
2: I jsut want to be loved and not hurt.... i just want to forget... I just want to be okay....
1: yes, i know... i know it hurt so much.... i know you hated who you are and you still do... I know you don't want to feel this way... I know you're doing this to block it out... to stop the pain... but this is life... you need to free yourself from what's holding you back.... don't let your past define the boundaries in your life... you're no longer a child, no one can hurt you now... no one...
2: i miss dad... both of them.... and i envy those who can say the word "dad" so easily... so simply, needing not much rehersal... not like me... it sounds foreign... unknown to me... that even if it pops up in the middle of a conversation with friends, it sounds strange... I just want to not have to feel embarassed with that simply a noun....
1: *hugss* you have mom....
2: I know I am selfish, but it's just a wish i can never talk myself out of wishing it true... though I know fairly well that it's nothing but a dream, but more of a lie really... me just lying to myself.... well, the only way to not feel this longing is to not remember... see... I have everything under control... when I don't remember, I don't have to go through the pain of longing for something that will never come....
1: isn't that denial? isn't that running away? there, you see... you not feeling is not a consequence of being medicated... it's you shutting off from emotions... too afraid... to scared... in hiding...
2: sigh...
to be continue.... thinking again....
2: yea..... they are so so very small...
1: not to forget that they are also loving towards their offsprings... see how the parents bring food back for the baby penguins...
2: now where did that come from? are you trying to talk about my family again?
1: ermm... yea... can't I?
2: no... why are you so intrigued by the fact that I don't hate dad?
1: cos you're a master in burying emotions, that's why...
2: but like I said, it's over ages ago... and I am just not angry at all... neither do i hate him...
1: why then do you run away from that topic? why then do you always feel unwell when it comes to talking about him? why is it that you always end up feeling empty deep down inside wishing that you are anywhere but here? I know cos I know you best...
2: I feel empty all the time anyway.... what difference does it make? besides, feeling empty is better than feeling so overly anxious and all...
1: but were you not the same person who protested when your meds made you numb? were you not again the same person who was feeling less than human cos you feel like you are void of feeling? you are confused!
2: yes, I know I am all messed up and confused... but it's not like I want to be this way... I jsut am... I just happened to be screwed up in the head, ok?
1: you're playing the role of the victim now... get a grip on yourself and stop blaming things on others... you too hold a certain amount of responsibility.... you stop yourself from feeling... that's not helping at all... though it's true that you may not be getting worse, you're remaining stagnant in one place as well.... to live is to feel... that's what define us as humans....
2: but emotions are dangerous... you can get hurt.... and i don't wanna get hurt...
1: i know what you mean... but you have got to come out of your shell sometime... so why not try now? if you keep waiting for a safe time, that time will never come....
2: I jsut want to be loved and not hurt.... i just want to forget... I just want to be okay....
1: yes, i know... i know it hurt so much.... i know you hated who you are and you still do... I know you don't want to feel this way... I know you're doing this to block it out... to stop the pain... but this is life... you need to free yourself from what's holding you back.... don't let your past define the boundaries in your life... you're no longer a child, no one can hurt you now... no one...
2: i miss dad... both of them.... and i envy those who can say the word "dad" so easily... so simply, needing not much rehersal... not like me... it sounds foreign... unknown to me... that even if it pops up in the middle of a conversation with friends, it sounds strange... I just want to not have to feel embarassed with that simply a noun....
1: *hugss* you have mom....
2: I know I am selfish, but it's just a wish i can never talk myself out of wishing it true... though I know fairly well that it's nothing but a dream, but more of a lie really... me just lying to myself.... well, the only way to not feel this longing is to not remember... see... I have everything under control... when I don't remember, I don't have to go through the pain of longing for something that will never come....
1: isn't that denial? isn't that running away? there, you see... you not feeling is not a consequence of being medicated... it's you shutting off from emotions... too afraid... to scared... in hiding...
2: sigh...
to be continue.... thinking again....
Friday, July 07, 2006
conversation between me and myself...
1: let's talk about dad...
2: what about him?
1: what do you think of him? you know... him being near non-existant in your life?
2: hmm... nothing much really... can't recall much of him... besides, it's been so many years... can we talk about something else?
1: so what if it's been years? why don't you wanna talk about him? you're always changing the topic when we talk about him...
2: well, it's nothing really about him.... he was irresponsible, didn't pay for my fees, blah blah blah... you know, the usual... just like any father character in messed up families... really...
1: you sound so, un-bothered..
2: cos I am!
1: you sure about that?
2: yea..... it's been years since the last time I saw him... don't even remember how he looks like... why do I want to bother myself with someone who was never present?
1: you sound angry... do you hate him? or are you angry at him?
2: erm, not really... why?
1: you sure you're not angry or anything?
2: should I be? being angry and all takes up so much energy... it's not worth my trouble... like I say, it's been a long long time... does it even matter? besides, I've moved on.... I've forgotten about him...
1: or is it that you don't want to remember?
2: I really can't recall... besides, there is no point in recalling anyway... why dwell in the past...? isn't that what I've been taught? that I should move on? that I shouldn't be lingering in the past and drown myself with 'woe is me's?
1: yea, it's true that you should move on... but aren't you missing something here? you're moving on without actually letting go...
2: huh?
1: while it's good that you're not dwelling in the past, you are not really out of it yet.... the past still haunts you.... that's why you don't want to talk about your dad... you don't feel comfortable... it hurts....
2: don't try and pretend that you know everything....
1: true, I don't know everything, but hey, at least I know something... and that is that you are hurting yet not admitting..... and you don't even realise that yet...
2: I am fine, not hurting or anything.... see, I am functioning...
1: are you really? then what is it all about during times when you are overwhelmed? during times when you don't feel real? isn't that too much emotions and too little?
2: what has that gotta do with my past and not wanting to talk about dad?
1: well, it has everything... you don't wanna feel anger and hatred cos you don't want to be reminded of him... cos feeling takes up too much energy and it hurts, you shut yourself off from feeling completely... rendering you incapable of handling your own emotions....
2: so? what is knowing that gotta change? my life is still pretty messed up... besides, it's easier not to be angry...
1: then, the next question is that are you really not angry?
2: what do you mean? you see me gettin angry?
1: that's the problem... you don't get angry at all... you may burst out with rage once a while... but that's when you're in a really bad mood... when your anger is not rationalised.... you are a stranger to anger even when in right times... that's cos you can't feel... you don't want to feel... you're like a void... or rather... as it hurts too much, you've chosed to become a void...
2: this is ridiculous! I despise being empty above all things... yet you say that it's my choice?
1: yes, it is... sub-consciously... don't you find yourself often thinking... especially when you are having one of your racy thoughts moments?... that feeling nothing is better than feeling everything? isn't that what you've always wanted in those times?
2: hmm...
1: that's your safety net you see... you use your ability to not feel to protect yourself from harm... you're so accustomed to the emptiness that it's now part of you... you stopped feeling....
2: sigh... that's because it hurts.....
1: yes, it hurts, but it's also you... it's also the truth... it's reality.... to not feel is to not live... there is no such a thing as unfeeling....
2: but being angry is such a hassle.... you'll make people mad and ruin people's day.... people might not like you anymore... then they'll leave you....
1: yes, they days might be ruined.. but how about the days of the people that they've ruined? besides... having a lot of people around does not mean that you have a lot of friends... it's having the right people around that is important....
2: but if i do onto them what bad they have done to others, it'll jsut be a cycle, a viscious cycle...
1: no, by stopping them from doing what they were, that's breaking the cycle...
2: but i'll have to be angry....
1: you scared of being angry? or is it being abandoned and not being agreed with that you are scared of?
2: I... I....
to be continued.... I shall think now....
2: what about him?
1: what do you think of him? you know... him being near non-existant in your life?
2: hmm... nothing much really... can't recall much of him... besides, it's been so many years... can we talk about something else?
1: so what if it's been years? why don't you wanna talk about him? you're always changing the topic when we talk about him...
2: well, it's nothing really about him.... he was irresponsible, didn't pay for my fees, blah blah blah... you know, the usual... just like any father character in messed up families... really...
1: you sound so, un-bothered..
2: cos I am!
1: you sure about that?
2: yea..... it's been years since the last time I saw him... don't even remember how he looks like... why do I want to bother myself with someone who was never present?
1: you sound angry... do you hate him? or are you angry at him?
2: erm, not really... why?
1: you sure you're not angry or anything?
2: should I be? being angry and all takes up so much energy... it's not worth my trouble... like I say, it's been a long long time... does it even matter? besides, I've moved on.... I've forgotten about him...
1: or is it that you don't want to remember?
2: I really can't recall... besides, there is no point in recalling anyway... why dwell in the past...? isn't that what I've been taught? that I should move on? that I shouldn't be lingering in the past and drown myself with 'woe is me's?
1: yea, it's true that you should move on... but aren't you missing something here? you're moving on without actually letting go...
2: huh?
1: while it's good that you're not dwelling in the past, you are not really out of it yet.... the past still haunts you.... that's why you don't want to talk about your dad... you don't feel comfortable... it hurts....
2: don't try and pretend that you know everything....
1: true, I don't know everything, but hey, at least I know something... and that is that you are hurting yet not admitting..... and you don't even realise that yet...
2: I am fine, not hurting or anything.... see, I am functioning...
1: are you really? then what is it all about during times when you are overwhelmed? during times when you don't feel real? isn't that too much emotions and too little?
2: what has that gotta do with my past and not wanting to talk about dad?
1: well, it has everything... you don't wanna feel anger and hatred cos you don't want to be reminded of him... cos feeling takes up too much energy and it hurts, you shut yourself off from feeling completely... rendering you incapable of handling your own emotions....
2: so? what is knowing that gotta change? my life is still pretty messed up... besides, it's easier not to be angry...
1: then, the next question is that are you really not angry?
2: what do you mean? you see me gettin angry?
1: that's the problem... you don't get angry at all... you may burst out with rage once a while... but that's when you're in a really bad mood... when your anger is not rationalised.... you are a stranger to anger even when in right times... that's cos you can't feel... you don't want to feel... you're like a void... or rather... as it hurts too much, you've chosed to become a void...
2: this is ridiculous! I despise being empty above all things... yet you say that it's my choice?
1: yes, it is... sub-consciously... don't you find yourself often thinking... especially when you are having one of your racy thoughts moments?... that feeling nothing is better than feeling everything? isn't that what you've always wanted in those times?
2: hmm...
1: that's your safety net you see... you use your ability to not feel to protect yourself from harm... you're so accustomed to the emptiness that it's now part of you... you stopped feeling....
2: sigh... that's because it hurts.....
1: yes, it hurts, but it's also you... it's also the truth... it's reality.... to not feel is to not live... there is no such a thing as unfeeling....
2: but being angry is such a hassle.... you'll make people mad and ruin people's day.... people might not like you anymore... then they'll leave you....
1: yes, they days might be ruined.. but how about the days of the people that they've ruined? besides... having a lot of people around does not mean that you have a lot of friends... it's having the right people around that is important....
2: but if i do onto them what bad they have done to others, it'll jsut be a cycle, a viscious cycle...
1: no, by stopping them from doing what they were, that's breaking the cycle...
2: but i'll have to be angry....
1: you scared of being angry? or is it being abandoned and not being agreed with that you are scared of?
2: I... I....
to be continued.... I shall think now....
passive aggressive?
perhaps, I am not much difference from my lil' brother after all.... we're both numb towards our surroundings for more time then not... either way, we don't express, we supress....
I stop feeling when I stop hating dad... I wonder if it's the same for him...
perhaps, hatred might not be as bad an emotions that I was taught it was....
perhaps, it's jsut painful... it's just exhausting...
but it's life... to be able to love as well as hate...
to be able to praise as well as to display anger...
I should start feeling again....
I need to tell myself that it's safe to feel...
I need to start getting used to the fact that feelings and emotions is the essence of life....
I stop feeling when I stop hating dad... I wonder if it's the same for him...
perhaps, hatred might not be as bad an emotions that I was taught it was....
perhaps, it's jsut painful... it's just exhausting...
but it's life... to be able to love as well as hate...
to be able to praise as well as to display anger...
I should start feeling again....
I need to tell myself that it's safe to feel...
I need to start getting used to the fact that feelings and emotions is the essence of life....
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Unfeeling...void of all emotions?
perhaps it's the intensity of pain that has caused this, perhaps it's my fear of confrontation, fear of not getting along with others.... fear of others disliking me... and ultimately, fear of abandonment......yes, I fear being alone the most of all...
childhood trauma eh... link it back to what happened... it's always the past, a past that I cannot get out of... that I must not run away from.... a past that I've tried so hard to bury, so hard to forget... thinking that forgeting will make it disapear... thinking that ignorance can lead to eventual disappearance and non-existence of things that hurt... issues that initiate pain...
I'll have to face it whether I like it or not... it's not much of a choice... it's just a matter of time.... just like what C said, it'll not go away... it'll just depend on how this "energy" will be released... where, when, how....
modulation and regulation of emotions.... not good at it at all.... doesn't appeal to me... too much of a hazard it seems to me.... conscious? sub-conscious? I don't know... all that I do know here and now is that it's something that I don't like dealing with... that so many times I have wished this task away.... resulting in the me who is always either unfeeling or feeling so much that I will explode.... all are superficial... this me... this unfeeling of a person.... this me who is a stranger even to my own emotions... too afraid to feel, too afraid to know....
I view emotions as all bad for the fact that pain that comes along with anger has always been unbearable? is that why I shut it off? the reason I am the way I am? tryin to make things right with all the wrong solutions that I can think of? misplaced emotions?
I really can't differentiate eh....
why is it so? why is it that my emotional self so flawed and split? why is there no moderation? why is it always extremes? too much and too little... with no sign of a balance that exists within... there is not a grey spot... only black and white.... good and bad... that is my view... my idea of emotions.... that they are to be all expressed or all supressed....
bad things happen whenever mom and everyone around is angry since young... from being suspended to going to court, the hospital... having all my hopes and dreams shattered right before my eyes.... experiencing pain that is so bad that I end up not even feeling any pain anymore... the begining of shutting down.... the need to shut down in order to protect myself from more harm.... a defense mechanism....
in order to not be reminded of the pain and anguish that tied in with emotions, I block everything.... I tried to erase everything from my system, and when I can't, the least that I can do is by restricting my access to emotions.... to not be reminded of unpleasant past... but it is like a bottle.... it accumulates and eventually, some will spill out... sometimes, it'll explode... and these remnants of the emotion that I try so hard to supress forms the overwhelming feeling that paralyzes me in times of stress.... it's because I am so used to not feeling that when I do feel, everything seems overwhelming... every little aspect of emotions feels too much for me to handle...
fear....
even fear is an emotion....
so, in a way, I am not unfeeling... I am jsut selectively feeling... yet, my selections are not all arounded enough in promoting healthy living.... perhaps, that's what underlying all of these....
childhood trauma eh... link it back to what happened... it's always the past, a past that I cannot get out of... that I must not run away from.... a past that I've tried so hard to bury, so hard to forget... thinking that forgeting will make it disapear... thinking that ignorance can lead to eventual disappearance and non-existence of things that hurt... issues that initiate pain...
I'll have to face it whether I like it or not... it's not much of a choice... it's just a matter of time.... just like what C said, it'll not go away... it'll just depend on how this "energy" will be released... where, when, how....
modulation and regulation of emotions.... not good at it at all.... doesn't appeal to me... too much of a hazard it seems to me.... conscious? sub-conscious? I don't know... all that I do know here and now is that it's something that I don't like dealing with... that so many times I have wished this task away.... resulting in the me who is always either unfeeling or feeling so much that I will explode.... all are superficial... this me... this unfeeling of a person.... this me who is a stranger even to my own emotions... too afraid to feel, too afraid to know....
I view emotions as all bad for the fact that pain that comes along with anger has always been unbearable? is that why I shut it off? the reason I am the way I am? tryin to make things right with all the wrong solutions that I can think of? misplaced emotions?
I really can't differentiate eh....
why is it so? why is it that my emotional self so flawed and split? why is there no moderation? why is it always extremes? too much and too little... with no sign of a balance that exists within... there is not a grey spot... only black and white.... good and bad... that is my view... my idea of emotions.... that they are to be all expressed or all supressed....
bad things happen whenever mom and everyone around is angry since young... from being suspended to going to court, the hospital... having all my hopes and dreams shattered right before my eyes.... experiencing pain that is so bad that I end up not even feeling any pain anymore... the begining of shutting down.... the need to shut down in order to protect myself from more harm.... a defense mechanism....
in order to not be reminded of the pain and anguish that tied in with emotions, I block everything.... I tried to erase everything from my system, and when I can't, the least that I can do is by restricting my access to emotions.... to not be reminded of unpleasant past... but it is like a bottle.... it accumulates and eventually, some will spill out... sometimes, it'll explode... and these remnants of the emotion that I try so hard to supress forms the overwhelming feeling that paralyzes me in times of stress.... it's because I am so used to not feeling that when I do feel, everything seems overwhelming... every little aspect of emotions feels too much for me to handle...
fear....
even fear is an emotion....
so, in a way, I am not unfeeling... I am jsut selectively feeling... yet, my selections are not all arounded enough in promoting healthy living.... perhaps, that's what underlying all of these....
