EK said that perhaps I don't wanna get better... CM said that I am getting better... I say I am so freaking confused!!!
I have come to not understand what it means so smile and really mean it... perhaps, I have come to loose touch of reality, of who i really am and not so much of who I yearn to be or not to be... I don't know what am I feeling... I don't know what am I thinking... just a daze.... blurred...
saw a magnificent sight today as I walked home with A. two rainbows with brilliant colours across the wide sky. perhaps it's just me who's more sentitive then usual, or perhaps cos it's been raining and the weather is depressin... just perhaps... I don't know exactly... but for that instance, I felt like crying... I felt like just letting the floodgates open again... I felt like I wanna run into the arms of those I love and dearly missed and cry my heart out... I felt like a little girl... I am a little girl in seach for affection... but, from who?
I don't know what I am feeling... just that I am in this bottomless pit with not a single way of getting out... I am trapped..... I wanna scream!!!!!!!!
strong waves of emotions filling me... taking life away from me... I am breakin... collapsing.... I am like a bridge about to be washed away by the mighty waves from the angry sea that is staring straight into me eyes.... instilling in me, imense fear that I cannot fight... feel like letting go... I am but a girl... just a human being.. why do I desearve this? questions that has no answers... answers that don't belong to any questions.... finding it hard to hold on to reality and sanity no matter how hard i try to... my brain is killing me... slowly, silently... then it'll consume me, my every senses, my very pressence... untill i am left with but a body, built of flesh and bones... without a soul... a living walking organism who is said to be alive just because she is breathing and exhaling; alive yet dead, moving yet paralysed;crying yet numb... and agin, I am but a girl... what have I done to deserve this?
anger pain, sadness, laughter... all mixed up... entwined within my very soul... like a helpless fly in a cobweb I am... awaiting for my untimely death...
I am being melodramatic again... I am just being me, the me that I am so disgusted to even think about my very existance... the me that I have never wished to be... long gone were the days when I could distinguish emotions, long gone were the times when I can tell for certain the person I was... long gone were the knowledge and understanding that I had about myself... not that I had much to begin with.... and then again, perhaps, I really shouldn't be complaining... when you've lost so much, there is really nothin much that you can loose any more anyway...
I don't wanna be depressed.... Help me... anyone... I don't care... anyone... who even bothers... perhaps, I don't even deserve anyone to start with... perhaps, this world that I am living is but a world of make-belief... a world constructed by me and me myself holds the keys to set myself free... perhaps it has always been a game of "playing house" that I have constructed for myself and everyone else are just characters that I have made up through my imagination....
then perhaps, the question should be that.... when will I wake up?
from,
~me~
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Letter 2
Dear A,
Hey, it's me again... I can see lots of questions swirling around in search of answers... and I wish that I can be the one who can give you answers as to why things happen. sad to say it, but I am in search of them as well.... I am on this long and tiring journey as well... I too want to know what has caused things to become how they turn out to be....
Baby gurl, I am sorry if I have hurt you... please may I know now, in what ways have I hurt you? When Eng Kee asked me that question, I guess the best person who will know the answer is you... so, how have I hurt you? how have I pained you? Really hope that I can help you, that I can take away all your pain and dismay, return your smile.... that smile that brightens up a dark lightless room that you've always deserved but deprived of. YOU are more that what you think you're worth.
I spoke to my friends today. and everyone thinks that we are not an angry person. I guess, I need to hereby appologise to you, cos I am the culprit in all these things... I was the one that has stopped you from any form of expression so many years ago... I was the one who "trained" you to turn into a lifeless idiot that needs constant outside reminder that you are alive. it's me, it's my fault and I am sorry... so so sorry.... I was the one who drew up an invisible life-contract with you that you may be a good descriptive writter, that you may be the most brilliant actor or dramaqueen, so as long that you DO NOT express YOUR emotions either good or bad, happy or sad... that was the aggreement that I made, that was the aggreement that I made you signed.
I want to let you know one thing... it's not that I am asking you to be there for everyone, just that I didn't know what else to do... there was no communication between us and I didn't know what other actions to take but to ignore the problem and pretend that nothing had happen by trying to a matured big girl, there for everyone. yes, I did not take into account of what your feelings are, I didn't consult you or even bother asking you either... but then again, did you notice one thing? it takes two hands to clap, I need you to tell me what is on your mind as well instead of just taking all the imformation that I keep feeding you with... you do have the right to challenge me when circumstances allows it... and you should... cause I don't read minds, you need to let me know as well... and I want to know.... really! I too need to be told when you're angry or sad... I can't see past a face as if looking through a piece of glass and knowing that it's dirty or clean... I can't....
I do love you.. I really do...
And I don't wish to hurt you any more...
Love,
~B~
Dear B,
I'm sorry for sounding harsh as if to make you feel guilty... that is not what I wanted. I was just frustrated cause all these while you have never once paid any attention to me before this. B, I feel pain, from within... I feel as if my heart has been cut up into millions of slices, I feel broken inside, as if I am rotting away, decaying... Cause I have lost track of times when I do feel like me. I know you intended good by trying to teach me to ignore emotions cause the root of all these turmoil is in fact emotions. but then, without emotions and the permission and means to express it does not make it go away... instead, it gets stuck inside me... and it is killing me slowly.
Did I even told you before that your actions in self harm and self critisism hurts me? It does, so much too! For every droplet of crimson tear shed, I can feel part of me seeping away cause you have shown me the cruel part of you. I know that life itself is cruel and people are unkind... but I never expect harm from you. You're the last person that I swear I would even think hurting me. You are made to protect me, to be my keeper, not my torturer.... it's jsut so so wrong!
I know I am sensitive. and for me, words do hurt more than actions... in fact, I think and strongly believe that words have both the power to heal and to kill... what I want from you is healing, not killing... do you understand? Yea, I know that not doing as well as we want to is bad, but then, everytime instead of motivating me, you are discouraging me!!! haven't you relised that you are becoming more and more like mom and daddy? your toungue is as sharp and lethal as mom's and you are as irresponsible in my wellbeing as daddy..... But remember, before you left WMS, you promised Rev that you will never grow up to be like mom and daddy... You PROMISED!!! it's not fair...... I don't deserve this!!!
Love,
~A~
Hey, it's me again... I can see lots of questions swirling around in search of answers... and I wish that I can be the one who can give you answers as to why things happen. sad to say it, but I am in search of them as well.... I am on this long and tiring journey as well... I too want to know what has caused things to become how they turn out to be....
Baby gurl, I am sorry if I have hurt you... please may I know now, in what ways have I hurt you? When Eng Kee asked me that question, I guess the best person who will know the answer is you... so, how have I hurt you? how have I pained you? Really hope that I can help you, that I can take away all your pain and dismay, return your smile.... that smile that brightens up a dark lightless room that you've always deserved but deprived of. YOU are more that what you think you're worth.
I spoke to my friends today. and everyone thinks that we are not an angry person. I guess, I need to hereby appologise to you, cos I am the culprit in all these things... I was the one that has stopped you from any form of expression so many years ago... I was the one who "trained" you to turn into a lifeless idiot that needs constant outside reminder that you are alive. it's me, it's my fault and I am sorry... so so sorry.... I was the one who drew up an invisible life-contract with you that you may be a good descriptive writter, that you may be the most brilliant actor or dramaqueen, so as long that you DO NOT express YOUR emotions either good or bad, happy or sad... that was the aggreement that I made, that was the aggreement that I made you signed.
I want to let you know one thing... it's not that I am asking you to be there for everyone, just that I didn't know what else to do... there was no communication between us and I didn't know what other actions to take but to ignore the problem and pretend that nothing had happen by trying to a matured big girl, there for everyone. yes, I did not take into account of what your feelings are, I didn't consult you or even bother asking you either... but then again, did you notice one thing? it takes two hands to clap, I need you to tell me what is on your mind as well instead of just taking all the imformation that I keep feeding you with... you do have the right to challenge me when circumstances allows it... and you should... cause I don't read minds, you need to let me know as well... and I want to know.... really! I too need to be told when you're angry or sad... I can't see past a face as if looking through a piece of glass and knowing that it's dirty or clean... I can't....
I do love you.. I really do...
And I don't wish to hurt you any more...
Love,
~B~
Dear B,
I'm sorry for sounding harsh as if to make you feel guilty... that is not what I wanted. I was just frustrated cause all these while you have never once paid any attention to me before this. B, I feel pain, from within... I feel as if my heart has been cut up into millions of slices, I feel broken inside, as if I am rotting away, decaying... Cause I have lost track of times when I do feel like me. I know you intended good by trying to teach me to ignore emotions cause the root of all these turmoil is in fact emotions. but then, without emotions and the permission and means to express it does not make it go away... instead, it gets stuck inside me... and it is killing me slowly.
Did I even told you before that your actions in self harm and self critisism hurts me? It does, so much too! For every droplet of crimson tear shed, I can feel part of me seeping away cause you have shown me the cruel part of you. I know that life itself is cruel and people are unkind... but I never expect harm from you. You're the last person that I swear I would even think hurting me. You are made to protect me, to be my keeper, not my torturer.... it's jsut so so wrong!
I know I am sensitive. and for me, words do hurt more than actions... in fact, I think and strongly believe that words have both the power to heal and to kill... what I want from you is healing, not killing... do you understand? Yea, I know that not doing as well as we want to is bad, but then, everytime instead of motivating me, you are discouraging me!!! haven't you relised that you are becoming more and more like mom and daddy? your toungue is as sharp and lethal as mom's and you are as irresponsible in my wellbeing as daddy..... But remember, before you left WMS, you promised Rev that you will never grow up to be like mom and daddy... You PROMISED!!! it's not fair...... I don't deserve this!!!
Love,
~A~
Letter 1
Dear A,
How are you tonight? It's weird talking to you like this you know...Weird... But then again, I am weird, am I not? Sigh, I am sorry to acknowledge the fact that I have been ignoring you alot. I haven't been a good friend to you. You are the closest to me and yet I have constantly ignored you. I have not cared about your feelings what-so-ever. I have been selfish. I would like to tell you that I want to be your friend again, to love you and hold you in my arms like I never did before. May I have another chance? Please?
I know you must be mad at me for being so ignorant about your feelings, for hurtin you again and again even though I refuse to accept it as reality. You are upset about always being pushed to exel and be strong for others. I guess I have been too harsh, I have been too mean to you. I was foolish to treat you in that way... You are the closest one to me and yet you are the one that I let everything out on . It has not been fair for you and I want to make up for it. I want to understand you more and be your friend.
Daddy left, it must have hurt. It should hurt. I am sorry for not allowing you to cry and making you feel responsible and guilty. I am sorry for constantly remindin you of what Ah Ma said on the stairs, that it's because of you that mom and dad fought with each other. I have not paid any attention to you and I want to start now. What was it that you felt at that time? How was your little heart taking it? Would you like a hug?
The day daddy slapped you till you sprain your neck, I can still recall the image till today. As much as I knew what happened that day, I have refused to let you know. Perhaps, I was tryin to protect myself rather than to protect you. I constantly disapprove of you remembering it, I guess it was more of the reason that I didn't want to face it. Looking back, you were crulled up in your bed, alone in your room. Mommy didn't know that daddy had slapped you, and boy did he use much force. You were only 7 or 8, can't remember.
Please, I want to hear from you, in your words, no matter how silly it sounds, I want to care for you once again. I am sorry for being such a selfish ignorant jerk all these while.
Love,
~B~
Dear B,
I thought that you will never ever pay attention to me anymore. I am a very needy person and I guess everyone knows that. One day I will push everyone around me away... and that is the last thing that I want happening to me. I am scared of loosing people, being left behind.... You know that, don't you? You've always knew. Just that perhaps I am not worth your time and effort.... I guess, I am just a crybaby, a little girl....
I want a hug, a long one so much so that even after it has ended, I can still feel the warmth of your arms and that I will know deep down that you will protect me. Help me please, I am trapped, I feel trapped in this dark deep hole and it's so cold down here. Everytime you pretend that you are happy, and that you are a nice person to be with, I feel disgusted! How can you, someone who is so ignorant about my hurt be a nice person to be with? You can't even take care of me!! I am angry... I am feeling furious! I feel hurt, I tried to reach out, but you who promised that you will be there for me was never there.... You have always been existing but not present! And I feel upset about that! Please stop ignoring me from now on... Please?
Yes, I was mad, and I was upset.... I lived in constant struggle with myself that I am the trouble maker in the family, that I caused all these things to happen to me... I feel hurt.... so so HURT... But you have not allowed me to feel... You have time and again reminded me that I am a big girl now and I will therefore need to be strong for everyone , EVERYONE!!! But I don't want to be a big girl... I am not a big girl... I still want my teddy and mommy to tuck me into bed aat night... I was not ready to grow up yet... and I don't think I am ready now either... I feel as if even though I continue with the passing of years, I have remain stagnant. I have been rooted to one place and that place is the deep turmoil within your heart... Hope is a far-away word... and I am trapped in a cage... I can tell you where the keyhole is, but You hold the key... WE need to help each other out... and the first thing I want you to know is that I FEEL PAIN!!! Excruciating PAIN!!
I was angry at daddy for being irresponsible.... and I was envious of my other friends who always pay their fees on time and not like me, being called out in front of the class by my class teacher every month... I wished that I could hide away and dissappear.... It was embarassing...I hate daddy... I am his daughter, and he hurt me... He's an animal... a bastard!!! why? why can't he just show me a little more care? why does he want me in the first place? to serve as a punching bag? to show his peers that he is "normal" cause he is following the social norm of gettin married and having children? What did he think family is anyway? A game of building sand castles in the sand box? Screw you!!! I feel like crying... I am sorry... I am feeling so so down.... and you never once stood up for me... !!! You are well known among your friends as being someone who will stand up for her opinions and someone who can argue and debate dammn well... So what the hell is the reason that you stand up for everyone else but me....??? You call this close??? You tell your friends one thing, you do another... You never pactice what you preach!!! I hate you! But I love you too.... Cause I know that there are parts of you that is hiding.... Please stop hidding... especially from me... I want to understand you as much as you want to understand me.... Most of all, I want you to be the person who will cuddle me and keep me safe from all harm....
I want you to stop hurting me.... STOP HURTING ME!!!!!
Love,
~A~
How are you tonight? It's weird talking to you like this you know...Weird... But then again, I am weird, am I not? Sigh, I am sorry to acknowledge the fact that I have been ignoring you alot. I haven't been a good friend to you. You are the closest to me and yet I have constantly ignored you. I have not cared about your feelings what-so-ever. I have been selfish. I would like to tell you that I want to be your friend again, to love you and hold you in my arms like I never did before. May I have another chance? Please?
I know you must be mad at me for being so ignorant about your feelings, for hurtin you again and again even though I refuse to accept it as reality. You are upset about always being pushed to exel and be strong for others. I guess I have been too harsh, I have been too mean to you. I was foolish to treat you in that way... You are the closest one to me and yet you are the one that I let everything out on . It has not been fair for you and I want to make up for it. I want to understand you more and be your friend.
Daddy left, it must have hurt. It should hurt. I am sorry for not allowing you to cry and making you feel responsible and guilty. I am sorry for constantly remindin you of what Ah Ma said on the stairs, that it's because of you that mom and dad fought with each other. I have not paid any attention to you and I want to start now. What was it that you felt at that time? How was your little heart taking it? Would you like a hug?
The day daddy slapped you till you sprain your neck, I can still recall the image till today. As much as I knew what happened that day, I have refused to let you know. Perhaps, I was tryin to protect myself rather than to protect you. I constantly disapprove of you remembering it, I guess it was more of the reason that I didn't want to face it. Looking back, you were crulled up in your bed, alone in your room. Mommy didn't know that daddy had slapped you, and boy did he use much force. You were only 7 or 8, can't remember.
Please, I want to hear from you, in your words, no matter how silly it sounds, I want to care for you once again. I am sorry for being such a selfish ignorant jerk all these while.
Love,
~B~
Dear B,
I thought that you will never ever pay attention to me anymore. I am a very needy person and I guess everyone knows that. One day I will push everyone around me away... and that is the last thing that I want happening to me. I am scared of loosing people, being left behind.... You know that, don't you? You've always knew. Just that perhaps I am not worth your time and effort.... I guess, I am just a crybaby, a little girl....
I want a hug, a long one so much so that even after it has ended, I can still feel the warmth of your arms and that I will know deep down that you will protect me. Help me please, I am trapped, I feel trapped in this dark deep hole and it's so cold down here. Everytime you pretend that you are happy, and that you are a nice person to be with, I feel disgusted! How can you, someone who is so ignorant about my hurt be a nice person to be with? You can't even take care of me!! I am angry... I am feeling furious! I feel hurt, I tried to reach out, but you who promised that you will be there for me was never there.... You have always been existing but not present! And I feel upset about that! Please stop ignoring me from now on... Please?
Yes, I was mad, and I was upset.... I lived in constant struggle with myself that I am the trouble maker in the family, that I caused all these things to happen to me... I feel hurt.... so so HURT... But you have not allowed me to feel... You have time and again reminded me that I am a big girl now and I will therefore need to be strong for everyone , EVERYONE!!! But I don't want to be a big girl... I am not a big girl... I still want my teddy and mommy to tuck me into bed aat night... I was not ready to grow up yet... and I don't think I am ready now either... I feel as if even though I continue with the passing of years, I have remain stagnant. I have been rooted to one place and that place is the deep turmoil within your heart... Hope is a far-away word... and I am trapped in a cage... I can tell you where the keyhole is, but You hold the key... WE need to help each other out... and the first thing I want you to know is that I FEEL PAIN!!! Excruciating PAIN!!
I was angry at daddy for being irresponsible.... and I was envious of my other friends who always pay their fees on time and not like me, being called out in front of the class by my class teacher every month... I wished that I could hide away and dissappear.... It was embarassing...I hate daddy... I am his daughter, and he hurt me... He's an animal... a bastard!!! why? why can't he just show me a little more care? why does he want me in the first place? to serve as a punching bag? to show his peers that he is "normal" cause he is following the social norm of gettin married and having children? What did he think family is anyway? A game of building sand castles in the sand box? Screw you!!! I feel like crying... I am sorry... I am feeling so so down.... and you never once stood up for me... !!! You are well known among your friends as being someone who will stand up for her opinions and someone who can argue and debate dammn well... So what the hell is the reason that you stand up for everyone else but me....??? You call this close??? You tell your friends one thing, you do another... You never pactice what you preach!!! I hate you! But I love you too.... Cause I know that there are parts of you that is hiding.... Please stop hidding... especially from me... I want to understand you as much as you want to understand me.... Most of all, I want you to be the person who will cuddle me and keep me safe from all harm....
I want you to stop hurting me.... STOP HURTING ME!!!!!
Love,
~A~