perhaps it's the intensity of pain that has caused this, perhaps it's my fear of confrontation, fear of not getting along with others.... fear of others disliking me... and ultimately, fear of abandonment......yes, I fear being alone the most of all...
childhood trauma eh... link it back to what happened... it's always the past, a past that I cannot get out of... that I must not run away from.... a past that I've tried so hard to bury, so hard to forget... thinking that forgeting will make it disapear... thinking that ignorance can lead to eventual disappearance and non-existence of things that hurt... issues that initiate pain...
I'll have to face it whether I like it or not... it's not much of a choice... it's just a matter of time.... just like what C said, it'll not go away... it'll just depend on how this "energy" will be released... where, when, how....
modulation and regulation of emotions.... not good at it at all.... doesn't appeal to me... too much of a hazard it seems to me.... conscious? sub-conscious? I don't know... all that I do know here and now is that it's something that I don't like dealing with... that so many times I have wished this task away.... resulting in the me who is always either unfeeling or feeling so much that I will explode.... all are superficial... this me... this unfeeling of a person.... this me who is a stranger even to my own emotions... too afraid to feel, too afraid to know....
I view emotions as all bad for the fact that pain that comes along with anger has always been unbearable? is that why I shut it off? the reason I am the way I am? tryin to make things right with all the wrong solutions that I can think of? misplaced emotions?
I really can't differentiate eh....
why is it so? why is it that my emotional self so flawed and split? why is there no moderation? why is it always extremes? too much and too little... with no sign of a balance that exists within... there is not a grey spot... only black and white.... good and bad... that is my view... my idea of emotions.... that they are to be all expressed or all supressed....
bad things happen whenever mom and everyone around is angry since young... from being suspended to going to court, the hospital... having all my hopes and dreams shattered right before my eyes.... experiencing pain that is so bad that I end up not even feeling any pain anymore... the begining of shutting down.... the need to shut down in order to protect myself from more harm.... a defense mechanism....
in order to not be reminded of the pain and anguish that tied in with emotions, I block everything.... I tried to erase everything from my system, and when I can't, the least that I can do is by restricting my access to emotions.... to not be reminded of unpleasant past... but it is like a bottle.... it accumulates and eventually, some will spill out... sometimes, it'll explode... and these remnants of the emotion that I try so hard to supress forms the overwhelming feeling that paralyzes me in times of stress.... it's because I am so used to not feeling that when I do feel, everything seems overwhelming... every little aspect of emotions feels too much for me to handle...
fear....
even fear is an emotion....
so, in a way, I am not unfeeling... I am jsut selectively feeling... yet, my selections are not all arounded enough in promoting healthy living.... perhaps, that's what underlying all of these....
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