where lies that thin fine line dividing sanity and insanity...
why iis it that i don't seem to be able to find it anymore....
have i already gone overboard? have I already got so screwed up that am now beyond all help?
no wonder she wasn't to be rid of me... lest I pull her down with me.....
it's not her fault in wanting to save herself....
it's nobody's fault but mine.. and I alone shall bear all pain....
I am loosing my mind fast.... it's really no point telling mee not to worry... no point at all....! no pont in ryin too steer me intoo positive thinking... it ain't gonna woork either.... I'm too far gone.... I am just too far away from anyone's reach... no one can help me now... no one!
the darkness of depression is slowly swallowing me whole..... soon, I'll be nothing but an empty shell.... perhaps, this will free mee from all pain... perhaps it's better this way..... to be away.....
I want to run.... I want to escape this world in which I live in.. day in day out... in deep suffering.... in pain, a pain that no one other than I myself understands.....
I guess, time have passed by me too quickly.... I think there is no point in wantingg any help any more... for everything is too late... it's just too late.... somethings just won't change... some people jsut ca't get better....
I've lived my live in pain.... it's only fair that I'll be given the choice to decide when it shall end...... it's my life... and it's my pain... what is wrong with all you ppl tryin to tell me that you bloody understand.. when in actual fact.... cut the lies and bullshit that you ppl clearly do not I repeat, you people DO NOT understand....
how can you possibly understand these feelings thhat are so private to me... how can you even do so without even tryin to sit down and listen to what i have to say???
what's the dividing line...
I am loosing sight of it...
fast....
do I want help?
I don't know....
what is it tha ti want now?
I don't know either......
please.... someone... anyone.... stop this!!!!!!!!
Friday, December 30, 2005
心を痛い・・・
夏休みですね・・・
でも、十一月から今まで、私は全然楽しかったの日が有りません。
どうした？
私も解らないよ・・・
エーリンちゃんと喧嘩をしましたの事情は私今の鬱病の理由ですか。
私は、本当に厭な人ですか？
如何して友達は次々に私を離す？
心を、本当にとても痛い！
誰が私を助けるですか？
本当に・・・誰か？
でも、十一月から今まで、私は全然楽しかったの日が有りません。
どうした？
私も解らないよ・・・
エーリンちゃんと喧嘩をしましたの事情は私今の鬱病の理由ですか。
私は、本当に厭な人ですか？
如何して友達は次々に私を離す？
心を、本当にとても痛い！
誰が私を助けるですか？
本当に・・・誰か？
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
nothing....
was visiting Yvonne Foong's blog moments ago....
it was a real awakening experience.... not so much on awareness regarding NF... but rather.... her blog made me realised how someone with much inner strength and determination can make such a difference..... Seriously, it is really useless for me to just talk and talk and talk big in issues about wanting to create more awareness in regards to mental illness in Malaysia... it's really useless for me to only know how to say that I wanna change this or that... to wanna make a difference when all that I do is sit around and do nothing.... knowing only to say those phrases : "when I grow up....", "when I become a...."
well, is she that much older than I？I doubt it.... is she someone of much credibility? a medical profeesional for instance? nope.... she is but a patient with an incurable disease who has so much courage, strenght and determination in not giving up and in wanting to make a difference for her fellow sufferers..... she is but a young lady who is being the voice for those many people with NF....
she shines.....
perhaps that's what making a difference looks like... shinning even in the darkess nights....
being able to pull yourself through all the self pitying and depression even though it feels really "not worth a price to pay" in wanting to live... a battle of two worlds.... one in which our sanity lives and the other.... the world in which your emotions reside....
I may noot know the physical pain in having a dissability... in having a incurable dissease.... but I do understand how lonely and scary it can get in days when you jsut don't feel too right.... knowing no matter what you do, you still lack something.... you're still very much unlike all your other friends.....
but then again.... I do wonder... the me without any of these "problems" ..... would I like Me more than now? would I be a different person? would that new ME be any better than this Me that I know so well?
can never be sure.... can I?
Spoke to Val on the phone just now....
She's on Meds.... yet, if a person don't know her...who would have guessed that there is something wrong with her? who would'vee guessed? a lively and bubly person being depressed? it jsut don't make sense.....
maybe... this is God's way in creating a perfect world.... by filling it with imperfection so that we can fill in each other's gaps..... be there for each other.....
it was a real awakening experience.... not so much on awareness regarding NF... but rather.... her blog made me realised how someone with much inner strength and determination can make such a difference..... Seriously, it is really useless for me to just talk and talk and talk big in issues about wanting to create more awareness in regards to mental illness in Malaysia... it's really useless for me to only know how to say that I wanna change this or that... to wanna make a difference when all that I do is sit around and do nothing.... knowing only to say those phrases : "when I grow up....", "when I become a...."
well, is she that much older than I？I doubt it.... is she someone of much credibility? a medical profeesional for instance? nope.... she is but a patient with an incurable disease who has so much courage, strenght and determination in not giving up and in wanting to make a difference for her fellow sufferers..... she is but a young lady who is being the voice for those many people with NF....
she shines.....
perhaps that's what making a difference looks like... shinning even in the darkess nights....
being able to pull yourself through all the self pitying and depression even though it feels really "not worth a price to pay" in wanting to live... a battle of two worlds.... one in which our sanity lives and the other.... the world in which your emotions reside....
I may noot know the physical pain in having a dissability... in having a incurable dissease.... but I do understand how lonely and scary it can get in days when you jsut don't feel too right.... knowing no matter what you do, you still lack something.... you're still very much unlike all your other friends.....
but then again.... I do wonder... the me without any of these "problems" ..... would I like Me more than now? would I be a different person? would that new ME be any better than this Me that I know so well?
can never be sure.... can I?
Spoke to Val on the phone just now....
She's on Meds.... yet, if a person don't know her...who would have guessed that there is something wrong with her? who would'vee guessed? a lively and bubly person being depressed? it jsut don't make sense.....
maybe... this is God's way in creating a perfect world.... by filling it with imperfection so that we can fill in each other's gaps..... be there for each other.....
falling?
H said that I am falling again... that this time, I am really screwed up.... Am I? I really wonder.... Yes, I am not sleeping and am not eating well yet putting on weight.... but do I qualify as being depressed? is this how depression feels like? I really don't know... being thrown to anf fro in this mixe state between sanity and insanity, the only thing i know and know too well...
is the act that I have been lost for a long long time......
and am currently more ost than ever.....
been out the whole day shopping....
more like I've spent the whole day breaking down, picking up the piecces, breaking down again.... and the cycle continues....
yeah.... the cycle continues.....
untill when, I have no idea...
will it ever even come to an end.....
questions....
is the act that I have been lost for a long long time......
and am currently more ost than ever.....
been out the whole day shopping....
more like I've spent the whole day breaking down, picking up the piecces, breaking down again.... and the cycle continues....
yeah.... the cycle continues.....
untill when, I have no idea...
will it ever even come to an end.....
questions....
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Thursday, December 08, 2005
I was on Air.....
was on air just few minutes ago....
wasn't to talk about feelings... but just about being in australia....
it's nice... having someone listening to you... having a total stranger listen to you....
it feels less lonely...
wasn't to talk about feelings... but just about being in australia....
it's nice... having someone listening to you... having a total stranger listen to you....
it feels less lonely...
I'm sorry, But I think I am breaking....
benn thinking alot lately despite the fact that I am so extremely occupied by the slides and all....
I really don't know what the heck is really happening... or how long I want to stay in this lie that I have created to fool others.... or perhaps, the main target is none other but myself? is it worth it? putting my emotions aside? chasing it away and all? is it worth it? trying to remain calm and just keep telling myself that everything's gonna be alright when it is in fact more uncertain than not? am I just being a hypocrite, a lier when I say that I have learnt to face life the way it is? or when I tell people that I have come to slowly open my eyes to acceptance of my condition, me, myself as a whole?
am I lying to myself that there is no feelings whatsoever in regards to my biological father and all? am I lying to myself when I say that I am dealing okay or tha tI will be able to take care of myself and remain healthy and most importantly, sane? am I even sane enough to be trusted to begin with?
all these I have no answer to....
A's student's in UH.... the same ward that I was about a year ago.... for what I don't know... but I guess it won't be something nice to end up there..... safe, perhaps, but won't be nice..... at least it wasn't for me.... but then again, I'll have to ask myself is there anything that I can truly say that is "nice" happening in my life...? I really don't know.... or am I too afraid to answer cos the answer is "NO" ? which is it?
part of me.... I want to be there..... restraint, freedom-less.... yet safe from the world and from oneself......
but I too know that running is not the right way to deal with things... things, espeacially emotions..... well, then again, it may not be the right thing... but at one particular moment, it feels better to deal with things in a way that feels good even if it doesn't feel right..... the moment of sheer desperation that is....moment of sheer desperation to rid oneself of the inner pain and anguish that only one could feel and understand....
why am I writing this in such a manner, why am I even blogging in such a manner, I have no answer at all....
the only thing I do know is, unfortunately the one thing that I had hoped to stop tresspassing my life at least for this three months : the emotion-driven-thoughts that are or would be self damaging....
sigh
I really don't know what the heck is really happening... or how long I want to stay in this lie that I have created to fool others.... or perhaps, the main target is none other but myself? is it worth it? putting my emotions aside? chasing it away and all? is it worth it? trying to remain calm and just keep telling myself that everything's gonna be alright when it is in fact more uncertain than not? am I just being a hypocrite, a lier when I say that I have learnt to face life the way it is? or when I tell people that I have come to slowly open my eyes to acceptance of my condition, me, myself as a whole?
am I lying to myself that there is no feelings whatsoever in regards to my biological father and all? am I lying to myself when I say that I am dealing okay or tha tI will be able to take care of myself and remain healthy and most importantly, sane? am I even sane enough to be trusted to begin with?
all these I have no answer to....
A's student's in UH.... the same ward that I was about a year ago.... for what I don't know... but I guess it won't be something nice to end up there..... safe, perhaps, but won't be nice..... at least it wasn't for me.... but then again, I'll have to ask myself is there anything that I can truly say that is "nice" happening in my life...? I really don't know.... or am I too afraid to answer cos the answer is "NO" ? which is it?
part of me.... I want to be there..... restraint, freedom-less.... yet safe from the world and from oneself......
but I too know that running is not the right way to deal with things... things, espeacially emotions..... well, then again, it may not be the right thing... but at one particular moment, it feels better to deal with things in a way that feels good even if it doesn't feel right..... the moment of sheer desperation that is....moment of sheer desperation to rid oneself of the inner pain and anguish that only one could feel and understand....
why am I writing this in such a manner, why am I even blogging in such a manner, I have no answer at all....
the only thing I do know is, unfortunately the one thing that I had hoped to stop tresspassing my life at least for this three months : the emotion-driven-thoughts that are or would be self damaging....
sigh
Friday, December 02, 2005
sigh
did something that I promised not to do just five minutes ago.....
I posted in where I vowed not to post again....
I tresspassed on waters that I have vowed to let it stay still...
I am sorry, but I jsut can't help it...
I just can't stand knowing a still fresh wound and do nothing about it...
I jsut can't....
perhaps, perhaps, I am really not that good a person..
perhaps all that I do is jsut for the sake of myself not hurting and not overwhelmed by guilt....
perhaps...
perhaps I simply wasn't ready to let go fully....
I posted in where I vowed not to post again....
I tresspassed on waters that I have vowed to let it stay still...
I am sorry, but I jsut can't help it...
I just can't stand knowing a still fresh wound and do nothing about it...
I jsut can't....
perhaps, perhaps, I am really not that good a person..
perhaps all that I do is jsut for the sake of myself not hurting and not overwhelmed by guilt....
perhaps...
perhaps I simply wasn't ready to let go fully....