it's discouraging, really, to find that the amount of effort that you put in just to pull ourself out of the the thwirling pool of insanity.... it's hard to even agree to going back to where I started out again... it's tiring to have to start over.... it is... but I have to....
I know deep down, I have to... even though I may not like it... in fact, I hate it so so very much!
it was my stupidity to go off the meds, I agree now... it's plain stupidity, thinking that I can handle all the stresses, being over confidant with myself.
but at one point I really thought that I could... I was doing so well....
then again, was I really?
Epilim, Seroquel, Risperdal....
explains why I feel like a walking, talking, breathing medicine cabinet...
I hate meds... but I can't function without them... and I hate not functioning....
so I guess, it's lesser of the two evils that I'll have to make my choice....
but it still hurts and it scares me half to death!
I can't talk freely... too much thoughts are running through my mind... I can't seem to be able to search through them and find the right word to say... feels as if my speech has been partially taken away from me... leaving me to feel not only emotionally, but somewhat physically disabled as well.....
I miss being bubbly....
I can only wait and hope now.... that the meds will work....
I need it to work....
I am not willing to succumb to insanity yet, I have so much that I need to do... I have so much to live for... I am unwilling to let it overtake me... it's my life... I'll decide what happens to me... not this.... not this overwhelming anxiety...
No!
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
when positive talking doesn't help
you'll know that you're done for and heading off once again into the indefinite depths of depression when even desperate positive self talk doesn't help.... that, something more than emotions is what you're dealing with..... something beyond normal feeling.... something that requires more than peptalks, counselling and all....
I'm not done fighting this battle yet....
Not any time soon either....
the emotions are strong, the feelings are strong..... they weigh you down and crush your soul.... that's what they are good at. but then, that's not entirely what they are here for.... that's what I think at least....
being depressed is not about feeling sad or blue.... it's a feeling that cannot be described by mere words... it's continuing blackness in your world without an expiry date... it's limitless yet it limits you.....
I'll do whatever it takes, even if it means having to suffer like this, never going to give up...
not my studies, not my dreams, and definitely not my life!
it may overwhelm me to the extent of paralysis, it may take away things that I love and are important to me, it may push me to the end of the road, till my back is against the wall...
it has the power to do all of these... it has the ability to destroy me...
but as long as there is a way, I will never let it!
I will never let it feel the joy of conquering over me...
It is but a feeling... My feeling, My emotions that I should be controling over, not the other way around.....
I will not resist advices.... My fight is not against other human beings.... my fight is against it!
I'll listen and follow...., and i will not be afraid of what I might hear or learn of....
It hurts to hear that I'll have to go back on meds, hurts to hear that whatever effort I put in last year has come to waste, but then again, did it really come to waste? there must be some reason as to why this has to happen..... there must be soemthing that I've learnt from it....
there must be.....
as long as there is a glimmer of hope, even if it's a weak one, I'll hold on
even if the rope that I am clinging onto is but a string, I'll hang on.....
I'm not done fighting yet.
I'm not done fighting this battle yet....
Not any time soon either....
the emotions are strong, the feelings are strong..... they weigh you down and crush your soul.... that's what they are good at. but then, that's not entirely what they are here for.... that's what I think at least....
being depressed is not about feeling sad or blue.... it's a feeling that cannot be described by mere words... it's continuing blackness in your world without an expiry date... it's limitless yet it limits you.....
I'll do whatever it takes, even if it means having to suffer like this, never going to give up...
not my studies, not my dreams, and definitely not my life!
it may overwhelm me to the extent of paralysis, it may take away things that I love and are important to me, it may push me to the end of the road, till my back is against the wall...
it has the power to do all of these... it has the ability to destroy me...
but as long as there is a way, I will never let it!
I will never let it feel the joy of conquering over me...
It is but a feeling... My feeling, My emotions that I should be controling over, not the other way around.....
I will not resist advices.... My fight is not against other human beings.... my fight is against it!
I'll listen and follow...., and i will not be afraid of what I might hear or learn of....
It hurts to hear that I'll have to go back on meds, hurts to hear that whatever effort I put in last year has come to waste, but then again, did it really come to waste? there must be some reason as to why this has to happen..... there must be soemthing that I've learnt from it....
there must be.....
as long as there is a glimmer of hope, even if it's a weak one, I'll hold on
even if the rope that I am clinging onto is but a string, I'll hang on.....
I'm not done fighting yet.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Will you catch me when I fall?
so many nights have gone by with either me not sleeping and up to some crazy wacky ideas like repositioning the furniture in my room in the wee hours of the morning or, to have me succumbing tot he power of my vicious cycle of racing thoughts and extreme feelings.
Life is not supposed to be this way, at least it was not what I envisioned it to be....
I've realised this... as I grow older, I grow more isolated from the world....
I've spent the last six months putting up more barriers than I actually need to... all for the sake of protecting myself from being hurt....
is it really worth it? building a fort that will eventually partition me from the world outside?
Yes, no one can hurt me then, but no one can help me then either....
but do I really want help?
I really don't know....
I'm feeling depressed.... falling fast....
but do I want to accept it? am I willing to accept it?
I really don't know.....
it's like, fat chance I won't even remember this feeling tommorow when I wake up, if I do sleep that is.... but the point is still that by night falls, I'll start seeing the world as to coming to an end again.... since it's gonna repeat itself.. the pain.. the maliscious feeling of sudden happiness that is so subtly teasing me in the day.....
how long more before I make my landing? or rather, how long more do I have till I finally crash?
it's not about self fufilling prophecy or anything.. it's about being experienced enough to know that good things always precede bad things... it's my life... it's what I've grown up knowing... and it's the fact... the cold hard fact of life slammed into my face....
I need time and space to digest my feelings....
I need to catch myself before I fall...
I need someone as well, who will catch me when I really do fall....
Life is not supposed to be this way, at least it was not what I envisioned it to be....
I've realised this... as I grow older, I grow more isolated from the world....
I've spent the last six months putting up more barriers than I actually need to... all for the sake of protecting myself from being hurt....
is it really worth it? building a fort that will eventually partition me from the world outside?
Yes, no one can hurt me then, but no one can help me then either....
but do I really want help?
I really don't know....
I'm feeling depressed.... falling fast....
but do I want to accept it? am I willing to accept it?
I really don't know.....
it's like, fat chance I won't even remember this feeling tommorow when I wake up, if I do sleep that is.... but the point is still that by night falls, I'll start seeing the world as to coming to an end again.... since it's gonna repeat itself.. the pain.. the maliscious feeling of sudden happiness that is so subtly teasing me in the day.....
how long more before I make my landing? or rather, how long more do I have till I finally crash?
it's not about self fufilling prophecy or anything.. it's about being experienced enough to know that good things always precede bad things... it's my life... it's what I've grown up knowing... and it's the fact... the cold hard fact of life slammed into my face....
I need time and space to digest my feelings....
I need to catch myself before I fall...
I need someone as well, who will catch me when I really do fall....
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Do they actually have a right to do so?
A friend of my friend had to withdraw from her major of choice due to the fact that she was under extreme levels of stress, or rather, her coordinator of that subject told her that she is not allowed to take the subject anymore...
It's not like she wanted to be stressed up in the first place, it's not that she wants to be so anxious and panicky during classes... It's not her choice to be unwell and require psychiatric help... But it was definitely her wish to that that major... And to complete it...
but due to her being stressed up and all, she was "kicked out" of the department...
and people talk about not discriminating, not judging...
again, I know that this has got absolutely nothing to do with me, I don't even know who the person is for that matter. But what I do know is that, I am scared...
what if I fall sick again or my depression worsens? What if I get so wound up and crazy that I can't do my work? What if my mental state eventually demolished my physical health? Does it mean that I will have to discontinue my studies as well? Does it means that I will be kicked out of my course due to reasons such as me being emotionally unstable?
we didn't ask to be like this... We just are...
being sick is not our fault... It's when we refuse help, that's when it's our fault....
but she agreed to treatment... Isn't it a little harsh on her?
I dread the thought that if I ever fall back into the depths of insanity, I'll have to give up the one thing that I truly want to do and do well in....
people come up with all sorts of reasons or excuses to say that it's for her own good... It's to save her from getting more stressed up, it's to prevent her illness from further deteriorate...
But then again, how about those who are already sick to begin with and are just currently "ok" so to say....
Just because I may require psychiatric help, I am therefore deem unfit to study this particular course?
It's not like she wanted to be stressed up in the first place, it's not that she wants to be so anxious and panicky during classes... It's not her choice to be unwell and require psychiatric help... But it was definitely her wish to that that major... And to complete it...
but due to her being stressed up and all, she was "kicked out" of the department...
and people talk about not discriminating, not judging...
again, I know that this has got absolutely nothing to do with me, I don't even know who the person is for that matter. But what I do know is that, I am scared...
what if I fall sick again or my depression worsens? What if I get so wound up and crazy that I can't do my work? What if my mental state eventually demolished my physical health? Does it mean that I will have to discontinue my studies as well? Does it means that I will be kicked out of my course due to reasons such as me being emotionally unstable?
we didn't ask to be like this... We just are...
being sick is not our fault... It's when we refuse help, that's when it's our fault....
but she agreed to treatment... Isn't it a little harsh on her?
I dread the thought that if I ever fall back into the depths of insanity, I'll have to give up the one thing that I truly want to do and do well in....
people come up with all sorts of reasons or excuses to say that it's for her own good... It's to save her from getting more stressed up, it's to prevent her illness from further deteriorate...
But then again, how about those who are already sick to begin with and are just currently "ok" so to say....
Just because I may require psychiatric help, I am therefore deem unfit to study this particular course?
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
sigh...
I told him that I don't hate myself...
but he made a point : I don't love myself either....
it's hard, really hard to try to release yourself from perfectionism, to be different from what you've been taight to be since young.... but yet, it's something that I have to do...
and I wonder how did I ever manage to get myself into all these in the first place?
he suggested self talk or pep talk or anything else that may describe time with myself, talking to myself... I call it being schizophrenic.... but then again.... who ever said I wasn't insane to begin with?
but he made a point : I don't love myself either....
it's hard, really hard to try to release yourself from perfectionism, to be different from what you've been taight to be since young.... but yet, it's something that I have to do...
and I wonder how did I ever manage to get myself into all these in the first place?
he suggested self talk or pep talk or anything else that may describe time with myself, talking to myself... I call it being schizophrenic.... but then again.... who ever said I wasn't insane to begin with?
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
it's all up to me
I see....
one can never really depend on anyone for that matter, can they?
it's always "it's you who'll need to make the last call"... whenever they run out of ideas...
but I do appreciate people to even hear me out, caring about me.... even though I take up too much of people's time often....
life.... hah
one can never really depend on anyone for that matter, can they?
it's always "it's you who'll need to make the last call"... whenever they run out of ideas...
but I do appreciate people to even hear me out, caring about me.... even though I take up too much of people's time often....
life.... hah
Monday, March 20, 2006
I am....
I am emotional
I am tired of being like this, on a constant emotional roller coaster ride
I am crazy, it's hard work mantaining one's sanity
I am confused over everything, emotions, feelings, surroundings, all of them
I am feeling unreal, as if detached from this world
I am finding it hard to be who I desire to be
I am slowly loosing control again
I am hurting a lot, though I tried hard to forget, I couldn't
I am alive, still.....
I am me....
regardless of all the negative viewpoints that I may have about myself....
regardless of the pain and all...
I am still me...
and I am alive....
I am tired of being like this, on a constant emotional roller coaster ride
I am crazy, it's hard work mantaining one's sanity
I am confused over everything, emotions, feelings, surroundings, all of them
I am feeling unreal, as if detached from this world
I am finding it hard to be who I desire to be
I am slowly loosing control again
I am hurting a lot, though I tried hard to forget, I couldn't
I am alive, still.....
I am me....
regardless of all the negative viewpoints that I may have about myself....
regardless of the pain and all...
I am still me...
and I am alive....
memories....
it's been many years, since the time I first started tuning into AiFm, then Radio 5....
during those many sleepless nights where loneliness was never far away, the same soothing music, the same comforting voice has walked me through tears, laughter, pain, anger.....
one step at a time, I've learnt....
take it slow, it's even okay to fall sometimes, it's part and parcel of this thing called life....
perhaps, I will never be able to meet the person whose voice has supported me for many years.... perhaps, fat chance is that he'll never even know it....
but then again, it won't stop the appreciation that I felt then and am feeling even now....
forever I shall be gratefull.... for keeping me alive then....
it feels weird, now, listening to the same soothing music in my own room, playing it over and over again how many times that I would want to... though I'm now thousands of miles away from home, though I can no longer hear his soothing voice over the radio during nights when I am crippled by my own emotions, barely being able to hang on in this soul- less shell of a body of mine, fighting through my depression, not for a long long time anyway.... I feel comforted.... I feel I'm home....
Back to a place which accepts me... for who I am, flaws and all....
I feel loved..... wanted.... not given up upon....
depression is bad, the pain is agonising.....
the misunderstanding that people carry with them....
the notion of trying your very best at "snapping out of it" yet you simply can't is insanity in itself.... yet, I am starting to not dispise the fact that though depression rules not my life... it is the greatest teacher that I have come to known throughout the entire course of being emotionally disabled, to put it crudely that way....
it's 6.25am, and yes, I haven't been asleep since last night....
what is new? this is definitely not....
but the feeling.... this feeling.... feels nice.... at peace....
I will not give up.... not for a long long time yet at least.....
the journey often seems tough, tiring, despairing....
but I guess, it's my calling to walk down the path that has been laid out for me....
I guess, courage is not to take your own life though it sometimes feels and seems the most logical decision, the best choice available....
Courage is to brave through the storms, sail through the tempest even though the odds simply seems too slim... even though you've been told that the word success will never apply to this situation....
Courage is to keep trying even if the chances seems bleak to begin with...
Courage is to not loose hope in the things that everyone else has given up on.....
Courage is to not fear failure, Courage is to live alongside fear, depression, hatred and all, yet thrive in living with it....
Courage is to give in all that you can, to your own limits....
Courage is to dare to dream, dare to hope, dare to heal....
Dare to live!
during those many sleepless nights where loneliness was never far away, the same soothing music, the same comforting voice has walked me through tears, laughter, pain, anger.....
one step at a time, I've learnt....
take it slow, it's even okay to fall sometimes, it's part and parcel of this thing called life....
perhaps, I will never be able to meet the person whose voice has supported me for many years.... perhaps, fat chance is that he'll never even know it....
but then again, it won't stop the appreciation that I felt then and am feeling even now....
forever I shall be gratefull.... for keeping me alive then....
it feels weird, now, listening to the same soothing music in my own room, playing it over and over again how many times that I would want to... though I'm now thousands of miles away from home, though I can no longer hear his soothing voice over the radio during nights when I am crippled by my own emotions, barely being able to hang on in this soul- less shell of a body of mine, fighting through my depression, not for a long long time anyway.... I feel comforted.... I feel I'm home....
Back to a place which accepts me... for who I am, flaws and all....
I feel loved..... wanted.... not given up upon....
depression is bad, the pain is agonising.....
the misunderstanding that people carry with them....
the notion of trying your very best at "snapping out of it" yet you simply can't is insanity in itself.... yet, I am starting to not dispise the fact that though depression rules not my life... it is the greatest teacher that I have come to known throughout the entire course of being emotionally disabled, to put it crudely that way....
it's 6.25am, and yes, I haven't been asleep since last night....
what is new? this is definitely not....
but the feeling.... this feeling.... feels nice.... at peace....
I will not give up.... not for a long long time yet at least.....
the journey often seems tough, tiring, despairing....
but I guess, it's my calling to walk down the path that has been laid out for me....
I guess, courage is not to take your own life though it sometimes feels and seems the most logical decision, the best choice available....
Courage is to brave through the storms, sail through the tempest even though the odds simply seems too slim... even though you've been told that the word success will never apply to this situation....
Courage is to keep trying even if the chances seems bleak to begin with...
Courage is to not loose hope in the things that everyone else has given up on.....
Courage is to not fear failure, Courage is to live alongside fear, depression, hatred and all, yet thrive in living with it....
Courage is to give in all that you can, to your own limits....
Courage is to dare to dream, dare to hope, dare to heal....
Dare to live!
Sunday, March 19, 2006
誰にも、助けてよ！
I'm in pain, help me, anyone, please....
release me from this inner turmoil that is tryin its very best to drown me in its deep sorrows...
please, stop this hurt.... this throbbing pain inside of me, tha tis like a flame...
and angry fire burning, fueled by hatred and despair...
I'm lost...
am I depressed? am not sure...
am I okay? can't really say that either...
I feel faint... broken, lost!
release me from this inner turmoil that is tryin its very best to drown me in its deep sorrows...
please, stop this hurt.... this throbbing pain inside of me, tha tis like a flame...
and angry fire burning, fueled by hatred and despair...
I'm lost...
am I depressed? am not sure...
am I okay? can't really say that either...
I feel faint... broken, lost!
falling...
I feel as if I am falling again.... at a speed that though is not too fast, but is surely progressing in its acceleration.
I'm tired of this routine...
getting up, falling back down, get up again only to prepare myself for another fall....
what is it that has gone wrong? what is the trigger this time around? my mood swings are getting more and more frequent... it's getting harder and harder to deal with...
I don't want any intervention....
I don't need people to come tell me that something is wrong... heck, as if I don't know that already....
I don't need anyone to come coo-ing over me... mothering me... nursing me back to health cause it's just a waste of time.... why pick someone who will fall again up anyway? what is the whole point in my existance even?
is it because of her?
ok, fine, it was a stupid move to go to his room without thinking if she'll be there....
ok, I was caught up by my impulsivity again as i got more and more excited....
but still.... it's long enough already... the hurt, the pain, the resentment....
the way she takes as if none of these ever happened....
the way both of them took as if everything is just normal....
hate it... hate them...
and I hate myself for hating....
I'm tired of this routine...
getting up, falling back down, get up again only to prepare myself for another fall....
what is it that has gone wrong? what is the trigger this time around? my mood swings are getting more and more frequent... it's getting harder and harder to deal with...
I don't want any intervention....
I don't need people to come tell me that something is wrong... heck, as if I don't know that already....
I don't need anyone to come coo-ing over me... mothering me... nursing me back to health cause it's just a waste of time.... why pick someone who will fall again up anyway? what is the whole point in my existance even?
is it because of her?
ok, fine, it was a stupid move to go to his room without thinking if she'll be there....
ok, I was caught up by my impulsivity again as i got more and more excited....
but still.... it's long enough already... the hurt, the pain, the resentment....
the way she takes as if none of these ever happened....
the way both of them took as if everything is just normal....
hate it... hate them...
and I hate myself for hating....
Friday, March 17, 2006
relief or the begining of fear?
met up with C yesterday after a 3 months break and he asked me if I had considered the fact that what is wrong with me was actually manic depression, aka, bipolar.
I mean, I was feeling well and all...
the reason why I went back to see him was because a week or two ago, my mind was spinning like crazy, albeit the fact that I drove myself to near exhaustion for taking on so much workload all at once....
I know it was crazy, but I'm ok now, am I not?then again, it's not like the first time he mentioned it to me....
he mentioned it subtly last year once or twice and yeah..so now, I am not really sure of how I am feeling.
am I relief that it's something, that actually describes my insanity that makes sense?
or am I starting to get scared now....
well, it's not like it's 100% confirmed yet, well at least he didn't like pushed it to me to say that I have it... cos when I asked him for confimation for what he jsut said about me actually being high and driving myself to exhaution then depression, he was like: well, only time will tell....
I mean, I was feeling well and all...
the reason why I went back to see him was because a week or two ago, my mind was spinning like crazy, albeit the fact that I drove myself to near exhaustion for taking on so much workload all at once....
I know it was crazy, but I'm ok now, am I not?then again, it's not like the first time he mentioned it to me....
he mentioned it subtly last year once or twice and yeah..so now, I am not really sure of how I am feeling.
am I relief that it's something, that actually describes my insanity that makes sense?
or am I starting to get scared now....
well, it's not like it's 100% confirmed yet, well at least he didn't like pushed it to me to say that I have it... cos when I asked him for confimation for what he jsut said about me actually being high and driving myself to exhaution then depression, he was like: well, only time will tell....
Thursday, March 16, 2006
It's everyone's business...
So says the title. Yes, suicide is not something that concerns just one person, it is an issue that concerns everyone of us be it direct aqquaintance of that particular person or not. Direct friends, parents and family hurt the most, wondering what they have or have not done; counsellors wonder where has the therapy gone wrong, wonder what was the missing piece that they've all missed; people that the person live with, perhaps, not even knowing that person, are left wondering how true are the rumours, wondering did it really happen, wanting to know why he did it, how he did it...though it's best put as "none of their bloody buisiness". Some, embark on this "nostalgic" journey of "re-thinking" life, some simply couldn't really be bothered, some are jsut plain ignorant, and some, some do start bawling and crying all over saying how nice a person was, relishing in memories of them which they might personally never had...
why start caring only when after a person is dead and gone?
An exchange student who has been here less than two months died by suicide yesterday morning, in his room, which was like two minutes walk away from the place that I am staying.
Yes, he was depressed, had language problems, couldn't balance the workload with spending time with his friends, was embarassed about needing to return home halfway through his education abroad. But did he really need to die? Was his problems severe enough to warrant death on his part?
Perhaps, no, yet perhaps yes... he must have hurt a lot to do what he did. Desperate to wipe off pain from his life, using all means possible, to the extend of dying by suicide. It takes hell lot of courage and determination : two of the greatest tools for success he possessed, though wrongly utilised, the end result is still that he succeeded.
I don't know him personally, but sad to say, I happen to fall into one of the categories too... I started to think. Try as I may, to push away thoughts of "what if(s)", "should have(s)", in reality, I guess no bady really can... and I can't. Sadly enough, the first thing that came to mind when I first heard of the news was, "it could have been me"
I know it sounds melancholic and depressing and self centred. but yet, I know and know too well, that reality is such that there have been enough close calls for me to know that it really could have happened to me, few weeks ago, few months ago, and even those times years ago when I started not thinking straight.... when I started to loose my mind time and again....
What's passed is past... need to start moving on...
Suicide is scary by itself, it involves a lot of people both during and after.
Since no man's an island,
It's not something which is an individual's problem... never was, never will be either....
why start caring only when after a person is dead and gone?
An exchange student who has been here less than two months died by suicide yesterday morning, in his room, which was like two minutes walk away from the place that I am staying.
Yes, he was depressed, had language problems, couldn't balance the workload with spending time with his friends, was embarassed about needing to return home halfway through his education abroad. But did he really need to die? Was his problems severe enough to warrant death on his part?
Perhaps, no, yet perhaps yes... he must have hurt a lot to do what he did. Desperate to wipe off pain from his life, using all means possible, to the extend of dying by suicide. It takes hell lot of courage and determination : two of the greatest tools for success he possessed, though wrongly utilised, the end result is still that he succeeded.
I don't know him personally, but sad to say, I happen to fall into one of the categories too... I started to think. Try as I may, to push away thoughts of "what if(s)", "should have(s)", in reality, I guess no bady really can... and I can't. Sadly enough, the first thing that came to mind when I first heard of the news was, "it could have been me"
I know it sounds melancholic and depressing and self centred. but yet, I know and know too well, that reality is such that there have been enough close calls for me to know that it really could have happened to me, few weeks ago, few months ago, and even those times years ago when I started not thinking straight.... when I started to loose my mind time and again....
What's passed is past... need to start moving on...
Suicide is scary by itself, it involves a lot of people both during and after.
Since no man's an island,
It's not something which is an individual's problem... never was, never will be either....
Though I do not know you, but what I know is that:
It must have hurt a lot...
It must have been really dreadfully lonely and confusing....
may you now rest in peace....
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Friday, March 10, 2006
flying sky high
I know I query a lot.... about things, about unnecessary things, people used to tell me...
but is this nice feeling that I am currently feeling... is it normal?
it's funny how sometimes due to the fact that I've been so used to feeling down, I really can't differentiate feeling happy or hyper any more...
going at the speed that I am currently going, is it normal? I really don't know...
all that I know is that it is an unfamilliar feeling, but it is a nice feeling....
but I am also aware of the possibilities of being worn out soon at the rate that my mind is racing now... ideas kept flowing in... there is so much that I want to do... so much that I want to be part of... feels like I have jsut woken up for the first time to life....
is it really ok? this speed?
but is this nice feeling that I am currently feeling... is it normal?
it's funny how sometimes due to the fact that I've been so used to feeling down, I really can't differentiate feeling happy or hyper any more...
going at the speed that I am currently going, is it normal? I really don't know...
all that I know is that it is an unfamilliar feeling, but it is a nice feeling....
but I am also aware of the possibilities of being worn out soon at the rate that my mind is racing now... ideas kept flowing in... there is so much that I want to do... so much that I want to be part of... feels like I have jsut woken up for the first time to life....
is it really ok? this speed?
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
tired
no more painful days which jsut don't bloody make sense, no more hurtful feelings that i will need to deal with every second of my moment awake. it will be much better off this way, for myself and everyone else.... since it's always the same anyway, so why put in effort that will only going to be in vain sooner or later?
where is the point???
everyone's gonan pass through this phase sometime anyway.... i guess, maybe mine is just a little earlier than a lot of ppl.... it's jsut how it is... there are things in life that no matter how much you try, it can never be done or accomplished.... there will always be things that will never change for the better....
this is not pessimism... this is acceptance
accepting the fact of the things that cannot be changed no matter what...
accepting the fact that some people's lives will forever be screwed up....
accepting the reality of the situation....
this is what this is....
it is not pessimism.. it's just a different view of life....
where is the point???
everyone's gonan pass through this phase sometime anyway.... i guess, maybe mine is just a little earlier than a lot of ppl.... it's jsut how it is... there are things in life that no matter how much you try, it can never be done or accomplished.... there will always be things that will never change for the better....
this is not pessimism... this is acceptance
accepting the fact of the things that cannot be changed no matter what...
accepting the fact that some people's lives will forever be screwed up....
accepting the reality of the situation....
this is what this is....
it is not pessimism.. it's just a different view of life....
Friday, March 03, 2006
laments
I feel as if I am loosing control again... and it's happening real fast.
I'm dead tired but i just can't get myself to sleep... what is happening to me? am I relapsing? I am scared shitless... I am tired of the routine of falling down and picking myself up again... I am tired of having people view me as the girl with problems, the girl who has to visit a shrink so as to keep her sanity in check.... I am tired of starting from scratch everytime I start tumbling down the stairs of depression at high spped... I am running out of patience with myself and with the world that surround me....
maybe I am jsut plain tired and am not thinking straight. maybe it's because I am all stressed up due to the starting of a new uni term... perhaps I am jsut thinking too much... knowing too much about depression and screwed up emotions for my own good... perhaps...
but my body is aching all over, I can't sleep and I don't have much appetite lately... I am scared that whatever emotional pain that I have experienced thus far in my life living with depression and anxiety is slowly becoming physical. I am scared that this is the final confirmation that yea, I am indeed screwed up in the head....
I have literally no idea apart from just being stressed out and tired on why am i currently feeling the way that I am now...
it's as if with each passing day, I loose more and more energy....
with each passing day, my "high" moods are getting lesser and lesser...
I fear the day when I will return to the world of darkness that I dread, the world which I have fought hard to stay away from....
perhaps, I am not tryin hard enough.... I don't know....
all i know is that, I am scared, lethargic, self pitiful, confused, and more dead than alive....
help me... anyone... someone.... I don't care whoever is it.... just... please...
I'm dead tired but i just can't get myself to sleep... what is happening to me? am I relapsing? I am scared shitless... I am tired of the routine of falling down and picking myself up again... I am tired of having people view me as the girl with problems, the girl who has to visit a shrink so as to keep her sanity in check.... I am tired of starting from scratch everytime I start tumbling down the stairs of depression at high spped... I am running out of patience with myself and with the world that surround me....
maybe I am jsut plain tired and am not thinking straight. maybe it's because I am all stressed up due to the starting of a new uni term... perhaps I am jsut thinking too much... knowing too much about depression and screwed up emotions for my own good... perhaps...
but my body is aching all over, I can't sleep and I don't have much appetite lately... I am scared that whatever emotional pain that I have experienced thus far in my life living with depression and anxiety is slowly becoming physical. I am scared that this is the final confirmation that yea, I am indeed screwed up in the head....
I have literally no idea apart from just being stressed out and tired on why am i currently feeling the way that I am now...
it's as if with each passing day, I loose more and more energy....
with each passing day, my "high" moods are getting lesser and lesser...
I fear the day when I will return to the world of darkness that I dread, the world which I have fought hard to stay away from....
perhaps, I am not tryin hard enough.... I don't know....
all i know is that, I am scared, lethargic, self pitiful, confused, and more dead than alive....
help me... anyone... someone.... I don't care whoever is it.... just... please...
Thursday, March 02, 2006
前の進めてください！
今天有人问我：“近况如何呢？”
我说：“和平时一样嘛！”
他：“好些？坏些？”
我：“一样嘛……一样……”
他：“难道你不希望自己能够高兴些吗？难道不希望快乐的日子多些吗？”
我：“日子、心情，简简单单就好了，没有太情绪化的日子，我就满足了……”
其实，在骗自己吧！
其实，是因为害怕品尝了快乐后，失落时，会较难受、痛苦，而宁愿不要太多高兴的日子而已。
为了避免自己将来再次受伤，保护自己，有错吗？
想深一层，简简单单的日子，其实也蛮不错的呀！
没有过多的兴奋，没有令人夜夜难以入眠的苦恼。
蛮吸引人的……那种生活……
不是吗？
人，为何明知道会受伤，还依然要坚持下去呢？
人，为何不能够为所拥有的东西而满足呢？
明知道迎接自己的是一道又一道硬硬的大墙，却依然向前走去……
明知道等待自己的是一次又一次的失败，却不曾放弃……
也许，这就是所谓活着的意义吧…… 也许，这些，都是我还得多学习些的东西吧！
我说：“和平时一样嘛！”
他：“好些？坏些？”
我：“一样嘛……一样……”
他：“难道你不希望自己能够高兴些吗？难道不希望快乐的日子多些吗？”
我：“日子、心情，简简单单就好了，没有太情绪化的日子，我就满足了……”
其实，在骗自己吧！
其实，是因为害怕品尝了快乐后，失落时，会较难受、痛苦，而宁愿不要太多高兴的日子而已。
为了避免自己将来再次受伤，保护自己，有错吗？
想深一层，简简单单的日子，其实也蛮不错的呀！
没有过多的兴奋，没有令人夜夜难以入眠的苦恼。
蛮吸引人的……那种生活……
不是吗？
人，为何明知道会受伤，还依然要坚持下去呢？
人，为何不能够为所拥有的东西而满足呢？
明知道迎接自己的是一道又一道硬硬的大墙，却依然向前走去……
明知道等待自己的是一次又一次的失败，却不曾放弃……
也许，这就是所谓活着的意义吧…… 也许，这些，都是我还得多学习些的东西吧！
活きてね！
映画の“一リテルの涙”を見た、とても感激する！
私も絶対活きてるよ！
To see oneself slowly deteriorating, to see one's own body slowly becoming immobile..Yetet, every morn is greeted with a smile, that's what I call courage.
Just finished watching Japanese drama series about a girl with an incurable disease, a very cruel disease. It's an illness that has robbed her of her youth, her time, an illness that has wounded her, and even took her life. Though in tremendous pain, both emotionally as well as physically daily, she never once gave up. She fought till her very last breath.
"One Litre of Tears"...The movie....
and I cried....
Was thinking, perhaps, the one kind part of the nature of the disease is that it will finally kill..Maybebe I ajustut being the pessimistic me, but then again, isn't it better than to suffer in that state for the rest of your life... Especiallyly if that person was so young.
But of course, two sides of a coin....
Perhaps, again, some would actually love to have more time....
either way, it's still a cruel disease....
Whoever said that life was fair anyway......?
Along the way to uni, I was thinking, is it better to be experiencing physical pain or emotional pain..Which is more unbearable? The me yesterday would most likely agree to that emotional pain being the worse one...But now that I come to think of it..There really exists no comparison... how can one compare something so relative? how can someone compare something that isn't supposed to be compared in the first place?
everyone reacts differently to different things, or stimuli in life....
can't really expect everything to be the same, can we?
I guess, it's jsut different ways to look at things...
私も絶対活きてるよ！
To see oneself slowly deteriorating, to see one's own body slowly becoming immobile..Yetet, every morn is greeted with a smile, that's what I call courage.
Just finished watching Japanese drama series about a girl with an incurable disease, a very cruel disease. It's an illness that has robbed her of her youth, her time, an illness that has wounded her, and even took her life. Though in tremendous pain, both emotionally as well as physically daily, she never once gave up. She fought till her very last breath.
"One Litre of Tears"...The movie....
and I cried....
Was thinking, perhaps, the one kind part of the nature of the disease is that it will finally kill..Maybebe I ajustut being the pessimistic me, but then again, isn't it better than to suffer in that state for the rest of your life... Especiallyly if that person was so young.
But of course, two sides of a coin....
Perhaps, again, some would actually love to have more time....
either way, it's still a cruel disease....
Whoever said that life was fair anyway......?
Along the way to uni, I was thinking, is it better to be experiencing physical pain or emotional pain..Which is more unbearable? The me yesterday would most likely agree to that emotional pain being the worse one...But now that I come to think of it..There really exists no comparison... how can one compare something so relative? how can someone compare something that isn't supposed to be compared in the first place?
everyone reacts differently to different things, or stimuli in life....
can't really expect everything to be the same, can we?
I guess, it's jsut different ways to look at things...
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
sudden happiness
I really don't know what I am feeling now, is it really me in my happy mood or is it just me being bouncy and hyper. It's scary to just be plain hyper... for I know what awaits me soon after the high feeling subsides. Hours, days, even weeks of depression, moodswings... that's what there is for me...
Was walking home alone today and was smilling all the way. For what reason, I simply have got no idea of. but it was nice to be in a good mood. it's nice to smile at the world and not have a care in the world. it's good to simply let things be and not care at all... it was good.
Was walking home alone today and was smilling all the way. For what reason, I simply have got no idea of. but it was nice to be in a good mood. it's nice to smile at the world and not have a care in the world. it's good to simply let things be and not care at all... it was good.