I feel disconnected from my life, this world... it's as if I am living in a dream... where everything is surreal.... it's like i live moment to moment discontinueingly... there is not link between yesterday, today, tommorow... everyday is different and yet everyday is the same... there is no progression, no regression... just mundane life with it's ups and downs that are all so familiar to me now....
it doesn't make sense... this emptiness that i feel... tha ti've fought hard against... it's intimidating... for I jsut can't surpass it's powerful stance that renders me motionless... that paralyses my soul.... taking away my will, my life... along with hopes and dreams that once seemed so real.... as reality fades and insanity invades....
I know not about who I am or what I am here for... everything is in a midst.... everything is starting to make less and less sense to me as time goes on... I really should be feeling awful and depressed... perhaps then will this feelings make sense to my nonsensical life.... but then, now as I am able to perceive the glass as half full, I am in but utter dismay to find myself at wits end to enderstand my very own existance on this planet called Earth....
it's all not making sense....
nothing is wrong... in fact, everything is going great... the only problem is that I am not emotionally present in this life that I've wished for for so long... this life where I have a role to play... this me that I have yearned to become have since then appeared to me a shell... containing no soul.... my soul has set sail on a voyage to an unknown land... hoping to find this thing called "feeling''....
I am but a lone ranger on my journey in search of myself....
knowing well that I will never ever find me again....
once shattered a vase will never be made whole..... together may the pieces be put... yet forever the cracks my past shall be reminded....
I am not making any sense.... I will be considered lucky even if one small portion of this is viewed as coherent.... cos I don't feel much coherence now... I feel separated... I feel disorganised.... a being alive yet not living... oh how familiar this phrase sounds... as if it's songs to my ears with the flowing past of years and sands of time.... a song of melancholy and sadness, peacefullness turned emptiness.... the song of an empty shell of a person....
yes... living yet not a live...
alive yet not living....
like a broken record.... with screeching sounds of a song that will never again be complete.... never again will it play that once melodious tune as it gives in to the darkness that is all consuming....
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