tomorrow's the day where I'll find out what lies ahead for me in terms of my emotional wellbeing and treatment. maybe i am simply reading too much into what C said last week, but then, it would be a lie to say that I am not frightened by it. then again, somewhere deep inside, i also realised that there is a small sigh of relief as this time around, perhaps everything will finally make sense.... perhaps a diagnosis is not such a bad thing afterall....
it's been years now hasn't it?
since the first time i ever felt suicidal.... 10 years to be exact...
and i've come a long way... and i should be proud of myself for hanging on....
even though sometimes, it's just so so hard...
Monday, June 25, 2007
Monday, June 18, 2007
Looking Ahead
What the future holds for me, I don't know...
But what I know is that I can only look ahead...
sometimes, it's so tiring to just move forward, not knowing where the next turn in life will lead... yes, there is excitement, yes, there are a lot of possible good things to look forward to, but then, where lies uncertainty, there lies next to it fear... and it's this fear that I am experiencing now... and it is also this fear that I fear...
time flies, it's been 2 and a half years since i first landed in Melbourne to study... a journeying that has been tough yet enjoyable... infact, a really blessed journey I would say... to be able to meet all these wonderful people that has cheered me on even in my darkest of times.... Angels sent by God they were... how can i ever repay them for helping me stay alive when I was desperately trying to not live?
remebering Val... wondering if the closure to her short life would be different if she had angels like mine? perhaps it would... that's what everyone tell me and therefore I am considered really lucky... then again,
I cry still for a life lost... a life so full of potential that the only person who failed to see it is the person who owned it....
I cry still for a friend who had to suffer even during her last breath....
I cry yet for a friend who had to hurt so much that she had to take her own life...
suicide is never a private nor confidential issue....
it is always public for it affects more people than you expect it would....
you know how sometimes you just feel so proud of yourself?
well, am currently in that mood recently...
though a lot has been happening, all at the same time, admist all the tears I've shed and all the frustrations that I've felt, I've been keeping it together quit well this semester... and even people who knows me felt this way too and it's making me feel more confident in myself...
this maturing, this being more optimistic, this ability to hold on to reality and not loose myself to insanity, this ability to "fight back" and hang on... it's amazing, though part of me can't help but wonder, is this what it means to be getting better? that these things are going to be permanent one day or are these all but temporary feelings that I have now?
I know no one can answer them and I've been told to enjoy them while I can, but then... I jsut can't help it but wonder..
Life of a person afflicted by a mental illness is not easy...
I'm just sorry for all who has to put up with me and my craziness....
as funny as it sounds, I guess I no longer hate or resent the fact that I have to suffer, cos due to this, I've found my pathway in life, it has led me to study psychology, it has enhance my abilities to be empathetic and understanding for I have the oppurtunity to walk in the shoes of those who are suffering the same predicament as I am... and this allows me to identify with others' feelings at a level only those of the same kind will ever comprehend
besides, due to this, I've met many angels that has brightened my days, kept me alive, love and care about me... it has given me back what has been taken away from me when my family shattered. in fact, it has given me more than i feel i deserve...
through this, I've learnt to love and be loved, to care and be cared for, to graciously and humbly receive when I need help, to generously give when I am able to, a deep understanding of emotions, I've learnt to be congruent and genuine and face up to even issues that I rather run away from... and finally, to accept that I am not perfect and will never be, but in the eyes of God, I am and I will love myself no matter what happens.
But what I know is that I can only look ahead...
sometimes, it's so tiring to just move forward, not knowing where the next turn in life will lead... yes, there is excitement, yes, there are a lot of possible good things to look forward to, but then, where lies uncertainty, there lies next to it fear... and it's this fear that I am experiencing now... and it is also this fear that I fear...
time flies, it's been 2 and a half years since i first landed in Melbourne to study... a journeying that has been tough yet enjoyable... infact, a really blessed journey I would say... to be able to meet all these wonderful people that has cheered me on even in my darkest of times.... Angels sent by God they were... how can i ever repay them for helping me stay alive when I was desperately trying to not live?
remebering Val... wondering if the closure to her short life would be different if she had angels like mine? perhaps it would... that's what everyone tell me and therefore I am considered really lucky... then again,
I cry still for a life lost... a life so full of potential that the only person who failed to see it is the person who owned it....
I cry still for a friend who had to suffer even during her last breath....
I cry yet for a friend who had to hurt so much that she had to take her own life...
suicide is never a private nor confidential issue....
it is always public for it affects more people than you expect it would....
you know how sometimes you just feel so proud of yourself?
well, am currently in that mood recently...
though a lot has been happening, all at the same time, admist all the tears I've shed and all the frustrations that I've felt, I've been keeping it together quit well this semester... and even people who knows me felt this way too and it's making me feel more confident in myself...
this maturing, this being more optimistic, this ability to hold on to reality and not loose myself to insanity, this ability to "fight back" and hang on... it's amazing, though part of me can't help but wonder, is this what it means to be getting better? that these things are going to be permanent one day or are these all but temporary feelings that I have now?
I know no one can answer them and I've been told to enjoy them while I can, but then... I jsut can't help it but wonder..
Life of a person afflicted by a mental illness is not easy...
I'm just sorry for all who has to put up with me and my craziness....
as funny as it sounds, I guess I no longer hate or resent the fact that I have to suffer, cos due to this, I've found my pathway in life, it has led me to study psychology, it has enhance my abilities to be empathetic and understanding for I have the oppurtunity to walk in the shoes of those who are suffering the same predicament as I am... and this allows me to identify with others' feelings at a level only those of the same kind will ever comprehend
besides, due to this, I've met many angels that has brightened my days, kept me alive, love and care about me... it has given me back what has been taken away from me when my family shattered. in fact, it has given me more than i feel i deserve...
through this, I've learnt to love and be loved, to care and be cared for, to graciously and humbly receive when I need help, to generously give when I am able to, a deep understanding of emotions, I've learnt to be congruent and genuine and face up to even issues that I rather run away from... and finally, to accept that I am not perfect and will never be, but in the eyes of God, I am and I will love myself no matter what happens.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Impact
been having two very productive days studying for my upcoming counselling paper... ironic isn't it? I'm studying counselling yet I have also been a client for the past 8 years... Looking on the bright side, the concepts appears easier to understand through real life experience =)
I miss Val, I guess, it'll never be the same again... the impact of suicide... it cripples people... then again, it made me think... I mean, people will grieve for one week, one month, one year? then what? you hurt those who are the most beloved to you and yet for others, they one remember you as a part of the statistic of the many young people who took their own lives....
I don't want to be a statistic... neither do I wish to have anyone else I know be part of it anymore! It hurts, it really does... and so so very much!
I miss Val, I guess, it'll never be the same again... the impact of suicide... it cripples people... then again, it made me think... I mean, people will grieve for one week, one month, one year? then what? you hurt those who are the most beloved to you and yet for others, they one remember you as a part of the statistic of the many young people who took their own lives....
I don't want to be a statistic... neither do I wish to have anyone else I know be part of it anymore! It hurts, it really does... and so so very much!
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Ripple effect
so it's said....
her passing caused a ripple effect among all who knew her... no matter how close or distant to her suffering our understanding permits us, none of us are spared of the pain of her dismiss....
maybe it's for the better, in her mind she minght be thinking so, as i so often think of it as myself... that this world will be better off without me... the hopelessness and helplessness that she felt must have been grave... and it pained me to know that a beautiful person fought with depression and lost....
i'm not going to start off with "if only" sentences that will no longer bear any meaning or be of any use as she is no longer here... but then agian, really....
if only she had held on longer...
if only she hadn't stop her medication...
yet, will any of this make any difference?
would it have made it better for her? would she not have had to suffer or suffer any less?
perhaps we are only asking all of these questions to comfort ourselves... for we have been wounded by her actions... yet we cannot hate her for doing what she did for we loved her too much... with anger, regrets, hatred, and love entwined, where does that leads us to but grief?
辛いですけど、現実です！
"it's painful, but it's reality!"
her passing caused a ripple effect among all who knew her... no matter how close or distant to her suffering our understanding permits us, none of us are spared of the pain of her dismiss....
maybe it's for the better, in her mind she minght be thinking so, as i so often think of it as myself... that this world will be better off without me... the hopelessness and helplessness that she felt must have been grave... and it pained me to know that a beautiful person fought with depression and lost....
i'm not going to start off with "if only" sentences that will no longer bear any meaning or be of any use as she is no longer here... but then agian, really....
if only she had held on longer...
if only she hadn't stop her medication...
yet, will any of this make any difference?
would it have made it better for her? would she not have had to suffer or suffer any less?
perhaps we are only asking all of these questions to comfort ourselves... for we have been wounded by her actions... yet we cannot hate her for doing what she did for we loved her too much... with anger, regrets, hatred, and love entwined, where does that leads us to but grief?
辛いですけど、現実です！
"it's painful, but it's reality!"
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
in denial...
when mom called and said that grandma is unconscious, I didn't want to know...
when she called again to said that she's had a stroke... I didn't wish to hear....
but when she called to tell me that grandma couldn't recognize anyone...
it is then the the floodgates were broken and everything was set loose....
somehow, part of me wish that i remain in denial... so that I will not have to face the pain...
then again, only time will tell and it shall be the ultimate determinant of whether i'll finally come face to face with my demons.. which i'll have to anyway...
there are just some things which one cannot run away from....
val's death...
part of me wishes to remain in denial...
i will never look at life the same again....
when she called again to said that she's had a stroke... I didn't wish to hear....
but when she called to tell me that grandma couldn't recognize anyone...
it is then the the floodgates were broken and everything was set loose....
somehow, part of me wish that i remain in denial... so that I will not have to face the pain...
then again, only time will tell and it shall be the ultimate determinant of whether i'll finally come face to face with my demons.. which i'll have to anyway...
there are just some things which one cannot run away from....
val's death...
part of me wishes to remain in denial...
i will never look at life the same again....
coffee at BSC
I guess, I'll never look at coffee breaks the same again...
why you did what you did, perhaps, just perhaps, I can understand... yet, no matter what reason it is, it's still not justifiable by the measure that you took... one that is for eternity...
I'm sorry I was asleep when you tried to reach out... or was it to say goodbye, I don't know... I can only speculate... but then... it must be hurting pretty badly for you my dear... and I shed tears for your pain....
these emotions flooding me, I can't hold back as tears stream down my face like two steady streams.... grief, they call it...
hope you're at a place where it's no more tears for you, only laughter and this time around, pure laughter that is not to mask your pain....
val, you'll be forever missed....
why you did what you did, perhaps, just perhaps, I can understand... yet, no matter what reason it is, it's still not justifiable by the measure that you took... one that is for eternity...
I'm sorry I was asleep when you tried to reach out... or was it to say goodbye, I don't know... I can only speculate... but then... it must be hurting pretty badly for you my dear... and I shed tears for your pain....
these emotions flooding me, I can't hold back as tears stream down my face like two steady streams.... grief, they call it...
hope you're at a place where it's no more tears for you, only laughter and this time around, pure laughter that is not to mask your pain....
val, you'll be forever missed....
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Goodbye and May you find the peace you deserve...
In loving Memory of Valerie Tay (1981-2007)
May she rest in peace now, free from all pain.....
May she rest in peace now, free from all pain.....