生活

大学二年生の生活もう終わった・・・
速すぎるよ！流れる時間が・・・
後二週間私は国を帰る・・・
でも、楽しいしみしないよ・・・
如何して分からないけど・・・
考えすぎる止めたほうがいいと思う・・・

一年間沢山事件があった・・・
私の精神病気まだ治っていない、
まだ毎日独りの時は寂しくて、苦しいよ・・・
そして、彼氏も鬱病になった・・・
でも・・・
新しい友達沢山会った、
GFNのプロジェットも楽しかった・・・
Jさんともっと深い交情を作ったはよかった・・・

pigeon holes and pinky promises....

how could i have forgotten about that pinky promise, that first contact that I had with C? yes, that silent agreement that we had a year ago in his office, with me still trembling and him deciding if i am a case worth his time....

brings upon me a heartwarming feeling....

and now...

how can i thank him enough for not judging me as do others? for looking beyond labels that professionals apply? for not putting me into pigeon holes of mental conditions? how can i thank him enough for seeing me as a human being as a whole and not a flawed personality as i have been told.....

three days have passed and i am still very much in that grateful mode...

thank you....

i want out....

it's getting painful... and i really don't feel like dealing with it, though i know it will pass... it'll just return yet once again to me.... i hate this feeling that i am feeling now... it's not passing... it's just getting stronger and stronger with each passign minute and i am scared... so scared and alone.... left to my own devices....

i feel so tired of everything...

i don't know what am i feeling...

I know what i have to do in times like this.. but i don't feel like doing...

I jsut want out...

I want out.....

help me... anyone...

I know i am sounding whiny and all... but i really really question my own sanity right now...

in pieces still....

hit rock bottom... shattered into a million tiny little pieces... can i pick myself up? can i pass through this time intact? can i survive this blow of deep depression? can i pick myself up from where i've fallen not too many days ago? that gradual progressive fall that i couldn't break, can i still cushion myself now that i am about to hit the ground? or have i already suffered the blow to my head and is now bleeding to death?

perhaps what i need is to hit the ground... only then can i climb back up? no?

emergency rooms, silent piercing screams, vivid images that is better not to be be seen... as i frantically clung onto reality, in hopes that i can keep my sanity... round and round in circles my head is spinning.... round and round and round.... it doesn't end, it prrbably never will....

one by one i can't do the things i want...

one by one i am loosing the things i worked hard for...

one by one... pieces of me keeps falling...

one by one... i am loosing...
I am loosing me....

prayer...

thank you for praying for me... it meant a lot to me, knowing that you care and want to help.... if only I am a easier person to treat... just makes me feel worse being a difficult case... how i hope i am not like this...

it's funny, I've refused prayer for so long, but today, just now, i gave in, i accepted your gift of prayer for me... is it you or is it time now for me to turn back? perhaps it's time for me to stop running away spiritually... time for me to hang on to faith once again... yet... it just seems as though i am loosing it...

i don't know my own thoughts, my own feelings... it's all muddled up.... i need clarification... but there is none... there will be none....

there is so much i want to write about... but for now, this is all that i can....