Anger?

dedicating this post to anger, rage... whatever you wanna call it... that fiery feeling inside that is making your insides burst, that is at the same time suffocating.....

I am angry that I have to put in more effort than a lot of people when it comes to dealing with life due to my inability to cope well with changes and adjustment. Everything seems to take so much energy from me, especially on days when I don't have much to spare.

I am angry that I keep swaying to and fro from being happy to depressed and back again. I need some balance, some stability in my life. But sometimes it seems like all that I ever have is instability. I am always caught in the middle of my moodswings. Yes, impulsivity and ever-changing is not boring, is interesting. But then, it's not really so when I am not in control in deciding if I were to be in a cherry and jumpy mood or otherwise. No, it's not so interesting after all when it's unpredictable even to the person concern.

I am angry at my moodswings being violent and distrupting to my daily life, as well as it being persistent. It's been so long that sometimes I wonder if it's already become what defines me, part of who I am. It's slowly becoming a love hate relationship that I needed it to know that I am still me for I have lost touch with the me without any of these nonsense, yet at the same time, I hate it just so so much.

I am angry at my own inability to fight the moods and the anxiety like everyone else always giving in when I get all stressed out. I should be so used to it by now after many years of living with it to know how to deal with it, or at least, live around it. It's not like it's something new altogether, yet I still can't cope well with what I should have had so much practice on by now.

I am angry that I have to rely on medication to function in daily life. It makes me anxious thinking about the fact that if I were to go off the medication, will it also means reverting back to that unfunctioning state I was not so very long ago?

I am angry at myself for being the unfeeling person that I usually am. For behind this calming facade of mine is a crazy girl bawling her eyes out but would never admit her fading sanity. I am not true to myself.

I am angry at not fending for myself when I should, instead, always just giving in to pessivitism. I hate confrontation, and therefore, it's easier to agree than to disagree, but then, it really isn't the best way to live my whole life.

I am angry at dad for not being here now. Where are you? Both of you?