又是无题……

时间过得好快哦……
还记得昨日的自己，那个只懂得哭泣的自己……
真的没有想到，转眼间，十余年便过去了……
小学、初中、高中、到如今的大学……
岁月的流逝快得真得有点儿吓人。

还记得小时候的我，多么希望能够快快的长大，进入成人的世界……
但，往往没想到的是，如今逐渐长大的我，
却多么希望能够回到从前儿时无忧无愁的生活去，
哪怕只是一分钟之久而已……

蛮奇怪的，我们人类……

最美好的时刻总是过去，
最亲的人总是以离开了的，
最重要的东西总是已失去的，
最……

虽说人不能够整日生活在从前、过去里头，但，这世界上，能够真真做到的人又有多少呢？
也许失忆的病人或许比较容易办得到吧……
在想，难道“活在现在”只是一个人类无法实现的幻想？

唉……
不想了！

有种想哭的感觉……

开始那新药也快近两周了吧……
没错，不再像从前那么忧郁了，但，发现如今的我丝毫什么感觉也没了……
有种怪怪且麻木的感觉……
有点吓人，但却换来了平衡的心态……
到底，该怎么办呢？

time flies....

Time flies….. It’s been almost a year since I touched down in Melbourne….. Seemed just like yesterday when mom finally decided to let me take this course…. A lot of things have happened, a lot of changes have been made…. For both good and bad…..

From being hurt to starting to heal….
From desperately trying to find out what’s wrong to accepting that certain things just can’t be changed…..
From being a little girl who knows nothing to someone who is able to take care of herself….
Yes a lot have changed….
So so much indeed….

Exams are near… next week actually…..

For the first time after so so long… I am actually not feeling so panicky and nervous till I drive myself nuts and to the verge of having a nervous breakdown….
It has also been such a long time since I last wake up in the morning and feel like life sometimes is worth living… and that there is really such a thing called “HOPE” in this world…. Felt just like yesterday when I first started to despise life and everything in it…..

But then, here comes the million dollar question…. Does this means that I am cured? Does this means that I am well again? That I have recovered?

Unfortunately… I guess this is a question that no one… I repeat, no one can answer for me… not I , not my doctors… not my counsellors or whoever else that may cross my path in life…. This is something that I just have to live with I guess…. Perhaps, this is what makes me ME…. Thing is, I don’t even know if this bout of feeling good and functioning is really me or is it the cocktail of psychotropic meds of mine talking…. Am I the boss or am I not? What will happen when I go off them? Will I sink back into the valley of despair once again? If I do, will I be able to survive another episode of it? I don’t know….. It scares me by just thinking of it…..

My thoughts are running wild again… and my head is still spinning….. But I am not complaining… it’s really good that I can function now…. It’s really good too that I am not having another breakdown…. But then, it makes me wonder… what exactly is life without any emotions? What is life without knowledge of who you really are? It really saddens me to know that even though I am considerably not really severe a case and I have to live life this way… how about those who are in worse off position that I? What is their life like?

Society… mankind…. Why can’t people just accept people like us for who we are? I didn’t ask for this… yet you think I did and run away….

It’s not fair that if I have a broken leg, I can easily tell mom about it…. But the fact that I am on psych meds, I cannot and must not utter a single word to mom…. I need support and acceptance…. From her… from my family…. But yet I can’t and I know too well that even if I try, I wouldn’t get it either….. Is it really that hard to accept that your daughter has a mental illness and requires medication to stabilize her? Is it so hard to accept that fact? Why you can accept that Zoë cannot take sweet things, uncle needs insulin…. So on and on…. But can’t accept that I need psych meds….. I am not crazy…. I am just not feeling well… that’s all…. Seeing a psychiatrist is just the same as seeing a dermatologist or neurologist….. They are all specialists…. Just that they have interest in different fields……

I really have no idea about what am I babbling about here…… I don’t feel I make much sense… I just need to rant….. I am not feeling depressed… even though I can’t say that I am feeling good or cheerful or happy either….. These words just never seemed to make their appearances in my dictionary…..

I’m tired….
I feel like stoping time right now… so that I can take a rest…..

Am I really that self centred? I really wonder… all I know is that I just came to the realisation that there is so so much that I don’t know of myself…. So much that I wasn’t aware of it even happening in my life….. Even those that I was supposedly the main cause of the squabbles happening….. Did I really changed that much for the passed two years? Was I really that scary a person to be with? I don’t know…. I didn’t know….. Perhaps C needs to know all of what Y told me last night….. Perhaps…. Just perhaps the reason being that epilim is working may be because that should be the first choice of medication for me all along… perhaps what I had all these while was never that simple…. Perhaps it just cause I am still functioning in day to day life even though I was mean and scary, that’s why the darker side of my “illness” has been masked and went undetected for so long…..

Somehow, everything seems to make more sense now….. The puzzle seems to finally fit into one another….. After so many years of agonising search for the cause of my displeasure against life……

Need to try an accept things from now…. Need to pick up the pieces….. Need to be strong….. Need to falter not in this journey of mine to succeed….. It’s the only way that I can prove my worth to my dad whom I have no idea of his whereabouts….. Not even sure if I miss him, love him; hate him or what…… it’s all jumbled up….. Perhaps I don’t really need to ask of these questions….. Perhaps time will let me know….. But then, it just doesn’t stop me from trying to reason out my emotions….. I really need to work through them….. I really need to…..

Working through the crap may not necessary be the best way… but right now it seems like the only way to get out of this mess…..

...

华语作文明天得交给老师了，但，有种并不很想完成的感觉……
怪怪的……有点吓人的感觉……
是我对这一切麻木了吗？还是我是世界上最离谱的超级大懒虫！

お久しぶりですね・・・私の鬱病

今、私の心情は気が重いです・・・・

私の心の疼痛はとても痛む。
この痛む毎日毎日間断なく増ります・・・・
も・・・・やり切れない！
だから、本とに本とに自尽をして・・・

私の人生の終局・・・・
楽しみにしています！

不明白

该如何开始呢？我也不知道……
好多天已过去了，我依然是想不通……这次在忧郁的世界里团团转也转了好几个星期了。开始有点想放弃的感觉。内心里头隐隐约约地出现一股声音，一股劝勉我放弃的声音……

我真的真的好怕！怕我走不出来、怕回不到家……
仿佛我这次走得比从前更远，有点看不见回家的方向的感觉……
如果我在这茫茫的沙漠里头迷失了方向，而当沙漠里的沙粒随着风儿起舞，邀我一块儿陪同它随风儿去的时候，我该项谁求救呢？我该如何求救呢？
生活好迷惑哩……

凌晨两点多了，我还没睡。
心中的恶魔还不愿离我而去，我的翅膀还未学会飞翔……

脑袋里头一片混乱……
我已不再认识我了……
也许，当我与我的影子在街上擦肩而过，我也不会晓得……
我被梦境捆住了……

end?

"I want to draw the lie between us where my problem are concern..." that's what you told me....


I don't understand myself anymore.... why are things turning out the way they are? why am I loosing all my friends one after another? what is happening? where is the me that I thought I knew so well of yesterday? where is that girl? is this just a phase of my emotions or is it... is it the finale for my exictance here on earth? a pre-screening of my impending doom... as I slowly sink deeper and deeper into the never-ending journey of depression.... as I allow it's grasp to tighten.....

perhaps, I have been dreaming for far too long.... been living in a fantasy world that has deluded me that I am indeed likekable and that my friends are indeed abundant.... I have been delusioned to even believe in all these... I should have know that all these are too good to be true.... besides, nothing good ever happens to me in this life..... nothing at all.... again, it supports my theory that there is always a catch to everything good..... there's always a catch......

to not get hurt the best way is to stay away......
I need to learn how to despise mankind.....
I need to protect my already fragile heart from more damage..... I need to protect myself.....

I think I am dying .......

what they said were all true.... all so true... that I am the one who's causing grief in all who knows me.... it's me who is not appreciative of eerything... it is me that is keep looking for trouble.... seeking for ways that I can land myself in trouble.....

it hurts......
it hurts to know that people hate you and you don't even know why they do....
it hurts to not being able to be like everyone else....
it hurts when people push you away without giving any reason....
it hurts.....

也许，一直以来，有问题的是我，不是其他人……

人的心，可承受多少伤呢？
她的离开，我哭了整整一个月……
那颗已憔悴的心，还没复原，又再次地被伤害了……
我真的如此讨人厌吗？

好想哭泣了……
如果泪水能够将这一切不高兴的事全都洗掉多好啊！

I so agree....

You feel alone because thats it you just are alone
you want to stop being so sad but it seems that
all you ever do is cry.

気もち・・・・

毎日毎日嬉じゃなかった・・・・
私の心も私の友達じゃないですから・・・・
真実の気持ちは忘れました・・・・
昨日の私の真実の気持ちは・・・・
だから、いま大切の質問は私は誰ですか？
自分の真実の心は自分も知りませんですから・・・・

I don't want you to be unhappy....

perhaps, you no longer visit this site, perhaps, all that is left of me in your memory is but a subtle image of a girl so ordinary not worth your noticing... an image of a girl slowly fading away... ... perhaps, deep down you would have prefered for this girl to never had existed to begin with... that girl is hurting now.... hurting cause she has hurt you, hurting cause she understands not why thing would end up this way, hurting to see you lost, numb and hurt and being unable to put her arm around you to bring about comfort..... all these... all these are just wishes that this girl silently prayed... her voice of her feelings buried deep underneath her facade built to create assurance in those that surround her....

yes, she is hurting...
yes, she is sorry.....
yes, she don't understand....
and yes, her promise of staying away she'll keep....

help... she silently screams.... but no one to hear her cry during nights of howling winds..... ungrateful she seems to you perhaps... of all the things that had been going well... her dreams and aspiration at her fingertips.... yet she is just as depressed as always.... as always....

but then what lies beneath is what you don't see.... problems that she can't control dominates her feelings.... countless nights she lay thinking... of ways in order that will warrant her the assurance that she'll still be in uni for the next semester.... funds are problems that she asked for not.... problems that bugs her to her core.... then again, there are medical bills and all... so often she feels, nothing but a medication cocktail.... anti...anti...anti.... drugs that tries to block this or that.... drugs tht aims to make her functionable again... even if just for one single day.... along with the drugs went her severe suicidal ideations... but welcome to her sweet abode tremors, nausea, and a whole lot of other side effects from the medications....

yes she's not depressed... but she's not happy......
yes she's not suicidal.... but she's now a zombie....

she understands not... what made you leave.....
she tried to analyse.... she did a whole lot of thinking.....

but all and all... she misses thee.... not that she's gonna come bugging you.... she's just wishperin her simple wish to th wind... her wish to see you smile... the wish to chase away pain.....

I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either....

I don't know why am I keep falling back into the depths of depression... I don't understand how a person can be chronically depressed and yet still functionable in a way that people don't acknowledge her pain as real.... I am not tryin to diagnos myself or put a label on myself.... it's just that I don't understand the pain... I don't understand the cause, neither do I understand the dynamics of it.....

all that I know of is that it comes and goes, it come and goes... leaving me never longer than a few months.... it's like my life long companion.... always by my side..... always playin truth or dare with me...... daring me to see how far I can go to eliminate the pain.... the inner turmoil....

I want to scream help... to ask for assistance.... btu I know just too well that there is no use.... medication can't help you that much.... it may help decrease the symptoms.... but it don't cure.... therapy works to a certain extend... you talk it out... youwaddle through the crap together....bla bla bla... but I guess one thing that a lot of people who are well don't realise is that there isn't such a thing call support.... there really isn't such a thing called assistance.... cause no matter how much others try to help... try to support.... prevent you from falling.... you may still fall... you may still be in pain..... in this journey... you just simply walk alone.... not that you want to push others away... jsut that... it is a must... a prerequisite prior to starting on this never ending journey of mental illnesses.....

thing is... that I am feeling way too much!!!!

i need a way, an outlet to fully express myself... a place where I can say whatever that I want to say without being afraid.... afraid that people may think that I am screwed in the head or that I need immediate medical intervention lest my thoughts of self harming are indeed suicidal ideations..... sometimes it jsut feels like such a thing called "privacy" doesn't exist at all... makes me wonder... is it really absent right from the start or has it ceased to exist with the passing of time..... I don't know... I really don't......

I don't know a lot of things in this world... this life....
I don't know me....

was thinking.... before I wrote this.... how does it feel like pushing the limits... to have a game, a bet between life and death.... to knock on death's door and see if anyone's home to answer my self invitation into death's sweet abode. sounds interesting... to go that far.... don't know how it looks like or feel like... dare I take chances, knowing that people who hath taken this path never return? dare I take chances just to satisfy my curiosity of life without agony and suffering..... a.k.a life when you're not living.....

it's been months since I last think straight.... dammn you auntie.... if you have not wrote that stupid letter and treated me in that way, perhaps I wouldn't have broken down in the first place.... mom, you are partially to be blamed as well.. if you had not convinced me to stay with her... none of these would have happened..... none of this... so what that I do have a predisposition towards being depressed? so what if my levels of anxiety have always been way above normal.... so what? it was the trigger that set my bells ringing.... that had jumpstarted my journey into madness..... it was a trigger.... I was coping well.... I thought that my last episod back home was the final.... I thought that the curtain had been drawn... the finale presented... before I came here.....

but no... hell no..... my journey into the neverending world of insanity has just begun... with the silent music that my bleeding heart beautifully sings, and the silent tale that replays itself while my mind goes on a non-stop screeching spree...... the pain.. the pain unseen, unheard yet so real and like a fire burning my heart and soul.... engraving it's innitials so mark it's existance in my existace, however longer that may or may not be.......

无题

你不高兴，我知道……
但我怕了……
我好想把你报在怀里，爱护着你、保护着你……
但我也记得你决定离开我的那一刻，
记得我对你许下的诺言， 那放你走、让你飞翔的诺言……

有谁能够教我该怎么办呢？

私はいい友達じゃない・・・・・
でも，チンマンちゃんも私の大切の友達です・・・・大好きです。
ほんとに、ほんとにとても御免なさい・・・・

还是无题

让我为你说说故事吧……

“我想自由的飞……”，那怀里紧抱着小熊的小女孩羞答答地告诉我。

望着躺在病院里的她，我又能够说些什么呢？告诉她，她会好起来吗？把这不可能实现的事实化成希望送给她吗？

我想起了，很久以前的我，也曾是个幻想能够自由地飞翔的小女孩，也曾经对生命充满希望。
但，我也知道，那从前的我，早已随着光阴而流走了……因为，成长的路程使我学会了人生中最重要的一门课、一道题：“事实是个梦，现实人生是一场梦，时间到了，就会醒，醒了后，一切只剩下回忆。而“希望”只是梦的粮食，并不是什么特效药。它只能够让我们在梦间里逗留久些……”

小女孩抱着小熊哭了……
她的心好疼。有种好像被许许多多根针刺的感觉……
她觉得被无形的绳子绑得紧紧的，呼吸好困难……
她害怕，她想回家……
但，家早已被无情的双亲毁灭了……

年纪轻轻的小女孩，什么都不晓得，只懂得哭泣、只懂得抱着小熊哭泣……

她的病，是治不好的……
只因她所患上的是心病……

sigh.... it doesn't make sense... I know...

I hate psych wards... but at this particular moment, as like in now... I somehow... ermm.. how do I put it? I sorta wish that I am in one... at the very least, it would keep me safe if not help me... sigh, why am I so obsesed about all these thoughts? why?

I am depressed

and I hope to die....