I know people ask because they cared, because they are worried about you, but then again, is it really that sad that once a person is said to have some sort of a problem, the label stays forever?
No wonder the stigma still exist... there we are saying that it's the sufferers who are too scared to come out of their closet, too embarassed to accept the fact that they are not well, but what do we have on the other end? people surrounding them keep asking them if everything is ok, if the job is too hard for them... it's unlikely that they will ever be treated on par with everybody else, how then can they feel accepted? when they've never been viewed beyond their pain and their problems?
too bad, honey, you've got records and their here to stay for a long long time...
we didn't ask to be like this, we appreciate that you care, but don't see us as weaklings who need assistance, let us have some space to see ourselves as normal healthy people for once. is that too much to ask?
but then, perhaps it is...
sigh... i don't know...
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
it's all about money, isn't it?
Talk about student welfare, pastoral care, close-knit community, yeah right.....
All they know is up the price of this, add additional charges to that. First, it's the increase in meal prices last year, then it's increase in room rental, now, you're charging us extra for internet connection even though we already have faculty allocated quata? Even though we are considered staying on campus, so to say....?
What's next? Extra charge for linen change? For usage of the facilities? might as well we move out! better room, more privacy, cheaper rental!
Sigh... I really don't know if it's me talking or my anger talking due to lack of sleep, jet lag, blah blah blah.....
On another note, called C today and he says that it's up to me if I still wanna see him and that for the time being, just settle down and see how everything goes... Which is a, good thing!
Time flies... 3 months and I am back here once again....
All they know is up the price of this, add additional charges to that. First, it's the increase in meal prices last year, then it's increase in room rental, now, you're charging us extra for internet connection even though we already have faculty allocated quata? Even though we are considered staying on campus, so to say....?
What's next? Extra charge for linen change? For usage of the facilities? might as well we move out! better room, more privacy, cheaper rental!
Sigh... I really don't know if it's me talking or my anger talking due to lack of sleep, jet lag, blah blah blah.....
On another note, called C today and he says that it's up to me if I still wanna see him and that for the time being, just settle down and see how everything goes... Which is a, good thing!
Time flies... 3 months and I am back here once again....
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
today's the day....
Well, it's finally my turn to be leaving on a jet plane today....
counting on.... 4 more hours till I leave for KLIA, 7and a half hours till I wave goodbye to Malaysia for the next two years at least.
sigh.... mixed feelings...
counting on.... 4 more hours till I leave for KLIA, 7and a half hours till I wave goodbye to Malaysia for the next two years at least.
sigh.... mixed feelings...
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Tommorow's the day...
I am currently feeling nothing, I am currently feeling everything....
where is the line between sanity and insanity again? I can't really remember... everything's such a blur these past few days... I think I am getting a little too emotional for my own good... but then again, does the word "moderation" ever even applies to me at all?
I know not what this feeling is, or isn't... but I do know that it's ripping me apart, piece by piece... to reduce me to nothing at a speed that i fear i can't catch up with.
I need someone to talk to, to spill my heart to, now!
Presenting, the selfish me again.... it's always me, me, me and me.....
And there is none... no one to hear me out, no one for me to whine and complain to even if it's just for a moment. Not that I want people's attention or anything like that... sometimes, even though you know very well, that there is nothing other people can do, nothing at all to make it hurt less, to ake you feel better... it is then that whinings, rants, complains, whatever you wish to call them come to good use...
I mean, at least it relieves the bottled up emotions.... at least it's better than to get involve once again in acts of self destruction... at least to me it is....
Will be flying back to Australia tommorow... sigh, I don't know why....
Wasn't I the one who wanted so badly to go back to Melbourne and be away from all the daily squables between mom and I?
Wasn't I the one who felt that there is nothing really, other than my family, that is worthy enough a reason to hold me back?
Wasn't I the one who have been trying desperately to find support the moment i reached KL, hoping that I had been wiser and stayed back in Melbourne?
Yes, I was the one dying to return... to home...
Thing is, I mixed up my definition of a home....
I don't know... perhaps, it's jsut a phase.. soon to be gone...
where is the line between sanity and insanity again? I can't really remember... everything's such a blur these past few days... I think I am getting a little too emotional for my own good... but then again, does the word "moderation" ever even applies to me at all?
I know not what this feeling is, or isn't... but I do know that it's ripping me apart, piece by piece... to reduce me to nothing at a speed that i fear i can't catch up with.
I need someone to talk to, to spill my heart to, now!
Presenting, the selfish me again.... it's always me, me, me and me.....
And there is none... no one to hear me out, no one for me to whine and complain to even if it's just for a moment. Not that I want people's attention or anything like that... sometimes, even though you know very well, that there is nothing other people can do, nothing at all to make it hurt less, to ake you feel better... it is then that whinings, rants, complains, whatever you wish to call them come to good use...
I mean, at least it relieves the bottled up emotions.... at least it's better than to get involve once again in acts of self destruction... at least to me it is....
Will be flying back to Australia tommorow... sigh, I don't know why....
Wasn't I the one who wanted so badly to go back to Melbourne and be away from all the daily squables between mom and I?
Wasn't I the one who felt that there is nothing really, other than my family, that is worthy enough a reason to hold me back?
Wasn't I the one who have been trying desperately to find support the moment i reached KL, hoping that I had been wiser and stayed back in Melbourne?
Yes, I was the one dying to return... to home...
Thing is, I mixed up my definition of a home....
I don't know... perhaps, it's jsut a phase.. soon to be gone...
Monday, February 20, 2006
This was supposed to be on 18.02.06 - 11.45pm
Another day is nearing it’s end, soon, I’ll be twenty years and one day old…
Time flies, it comes, it lingers long enough for a blink of an eye, then it goes… it never stays, no matter how much I begged and hope that it would…. Sometimes, it feels as though I have been chronically left behind by time, that it has purposely move at a speed that I can hardly catch up with it. Then again, perhaps it was never meant to be kept up with in the first place… Perhaps it have always been aware of the dangers of slowing down, the dangers of stopping…
It’s called survival instinct…
Twenty years, two decades, gone… A birthday cake to mark the beginning of another year, alive. I know this is getting a tad too pessimistic for a birthday post, but what the heck, I’m really not feeling that extremely wonderful so why pretend? I have accepted and resided to the fact that certain things just can’t be changed. My mood swings would most probably never ever leave me till the day I breathe my last breath and wave goodbye to this world I so hate and love, yet, I can learn to deal with it… I can live up to it… Mom will never become less critical of everything I do, but for the fact that she’s a perfectionist, she’s just being who she is, she’s just being normal.
To accept the fact, it really isn’t that hard, now when I do come to do it… it’s the deciding whether to take this step that is the hardest part… it’s always fear, doubt, anxiety…
Fear of residing to fate so much that the will to strife disappears,
Doubts of ever being able to see the sun through the now cloudy sky again,
Anxiety of the decisions made or about to be made…
Everyone yearns to live in a world where all the negatives don’t exist, in a world that everyone is happy and gay and at peace with one another…
A would of dream, really… A world of make believe…
“Negatives” as how I would like to call them, all things hurtful, worrying, all things welcoming the negative energy… the opposition party of the “Positives”
You hate them, you loath them… you wished that they don’t exist…
Yet, it’s them that makes you human, it’s them that has justified your life…
It is through walking alongside them and yet walk tall that qualifies you a testimony for the life you’ve led…
Through the years, I’ve learnt a lot, through pain, laughter, tears, you name it. Though it isn’t really the worst or the best things one can go through, but I guess, I really can’t discredit them as being “something” at least. It is not a competition as to who’s life is more screwed up than the other… it’s a testimony of a life after the death of one’s self, one’s soul, one’s mind. No, don’t get me wrong, I’m not dead, or I won’t be writing this now, would I?
A testimony of love, life, sacrifices and beyond…
No, it’s not like I am someone so great that everyone should know my story and be inspired or whatever by it, rather, it is a story that I would like to share, mainly with myself. It is a story that I need to feel proud of… for when you are a person with little self-esteem, little self assurance, you tend to feed on any praises that you can get, even if it comes from you yourself… it was a precious lesson that someone taught me over the years of knowing him…
The story of my life that is… a story of a childhood broken and scared…
Seriously, I know not of the reason of my urge to write and write and continue writing now… but it feels good, good to be the old melodramatic, expression crazy me again. Yet, somehow, it feels different this time around. What is it, I really don’t know. Perhaps it’s the lack of insanity to boost my creativity, perhaps, it is a turning point in my life where my mood swings are getting under control, mind you, I didn’t say it’s gone, it’s under control…
Don’t hope, I once told someone… for along with hope comes disappointment…
Which is better? To hope and continue faithfully believing though what you wished for never came true, or to live in a world that you accept everything as it is, not hoping, not believing in wishes and dreams coming true? I’ll gladly choose the latter one…
For continued disappointments shatter souls, break hearts, it’s nature‘s executioner, programmed to kill once it reaches its right amount of despair felt by a person.
Enough said, it’s time I start walking again… to walk towards surviving in this world and beyond…
Picking up pieces of my heart along the way…
Counting on, 3 more days till I leave for my home far away from home….
On another note, Jasmine’s been with us for the past few days… mom’s taking of her while her parents are away… She’s a girl that I wish so badly that I can help. Her mood swings, her insecurity….. Her childhood insanity…. All these I can so relate to…. It takes a loony to know another.
I don’t know… who am I to judge? Who am I to label someone, more so that she‘s merely a young child of four? Hey, don’t I hate labels myself? But then again, the pain I see, deep within her child’s eyes… the unspeakable pain that only she knows. Her loneliness, despair, fear, insecurities….. Now ain’t that just so darn familiar?
Like I said, how long more must people like this innocent little angel suffer before Malaysian parents take note of the possibilities of childhood psychiatric disorders, as well as to accept it? Thing is, ignorance is bliss, but untreated illnesses advance and endanger… Is it worthy enough a risk to take?
Sigh, what can I do? Who am I to even voice it out? All that I can is to wish you good luck and may you never have to end up broken beyond repair…
Time flies, it comes, it lingers long enough for a blink of an eye, then it goes… it never stays, no matter how much I begged and hope that it would…. Sometimes, it feels as though I have been chronically left behind by time, that it has purposely move at a speed that I can hardly catch up with it. Then again, perhaps it was never meant to be kept up with in the first place… Perhaps it have always been aware of the dangers of slowing down, the dangers of stopping…
It’s called survival instinct…
Twenty years, two decades, gone… A birthday cake to mark the beginning of another year, alive. I know this is getting a tad too pessimistic for a birthday post, but what the heck, I’m really not feeling that extremely wonderful so why pretend? I have accepted and resided to the fact that certain things just can’t be changed. My mood swings would most probably never ever leave me till the day I breathe my last breath and wave goodbye to this world I so hate and love, yet, I can learn to deal with it… I can live up to it… Mom will never become less critical of everything I do, but for the fact that she’s a perfectionist, she’s just being who she is, she’s just being normal.
To accept the fact, it really isn’t that hard, now when I do come to do it… it’s the deciding whether to take this step that is the hardest part… it’s always fear, doubt, anxiety…
Fear of residing to fate so much that the will to strife disappears,
Doubts of ever being able to see the sun through the now cloudy sky again,
Anxiety of the decisions made or about to be made…
Everyone yearns to live in a world where all the negatives don’t exist, in a world that everyone is happy and gay and at peace with one another…
A would of dream, really… A world of make believe…
“Negatives” as how I would like to call them, all things hurtful, worrying, all things welcoming the negative energy… the opposition party of the “Positives”
You hate them, you loath them… you wished that they don’t exist…
Yet, it’s them that makes you human, it’s them that has justified your life…
It is through walking alongside them and yet walk tall that qualifies you a testimony for the life you’ve led…
Through the years, I’ve learnt a lot, through pain, laughter, tears, you name it. Though it isn’t really the worst or the best things one can go through, but I guess, I really can’t discredit them as being “something” at least. It is not a competition as to who’s life is more screwed up than the other… it’s a testimony of a life after the death of one’s self, one’s soul, one’s mind. No, don’t get me wrong, I’m not dead, or I won’t be writing this now, would I?
A testimony of love, life, sacrifices and beyond…
No, it’s not like I am someone so great that everyone should know my story and be inspired or whatever by it, rather, it is a story that I would like to share, mainly with myself. It is a story that I need to feel proud of… for when you are a person with little self-esteem, little self assurance, you tend to feed on any praises that you can get, even if it comes from you yourself… it was a precious lesson that someone taught me over the years of knowing him…
The story of my life that is… a story of a childhood broken and scared…
Seriously, I know not of the reason of my urge to write and write and continue writing now… but it feels good, good to be the old melodramatic, expression crazy me again. Yet, somehow, it feels different this time around. What is it, I really don’t know. Perhaps it’s the lack of insanity to boost my creativity, perhaps, it is a turning point in my life where my mood swings are getting under control, mind you, I didn’t say it’s gone, it’s under control…
Don’t hope, I once told someone… for along with hope comes disappointment…
Which is better? To hope and continue faithfully believing though what you wished for never came true, or to live in a world that you accept everything as it is, not hoping, not believing in wishes and dreams coming true? I’ll gladly choose the latter one…
For continued disappointments shatter souls, break hearts, it’s nature‘s executioner, programmed to kill once it reaches its right amount of despair felt by a person.
Enough said, it’s time I start walking again… to walk towards surviving in this world and beyond…
Picking up pieces of my heart along the way…
Counting on, 3 more days till I leave for my home far away from home….
On another note, Jasmine’s been with us for the past few days… mom’s taking of her while her parents are away… She’s a girl that I wish so badly that I can help. Her mood swings, her insecurity….. Her childhood insanity…. All these I can so relate to…. It takes a loony to know another.
I don’t know… who am I to judge? Who am I to label someone, more so that she‘s merely a young child of four? Hey, don’t I hate labels myself? But then again, the pain I see, deep within her child’s eyes… the unspeakable pain that only she knows. Her loneliness, despair, fear, insecurities….. Now ain’t that just so darn familiar?
Like I said, how long more must people like this innocent little angel suffer before Malaysian parents take note of the possibilities of childhood psychiatric disorders, as well as to accept it? Thing is, ignorance is bliss, but untreated illnesses advance and endanger… Is it worthy enough a risk to take?
Sigh, what can I do? Who am I to even voice it out? All that I can is to wish you good luck and may you never have to end up broken beyond repair…
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Days till I leave....
Counting on, 4 days till I leave my homeland to embark on another phase of my journey in the land down under... all for the love of education... just so I'll make-real my dreams of becoming a psychologist.... It really doesn't matter how hard this journey is or will be... I will not give up....
Perhaps, among all things, I should be thankful that I I inherited my mom's stuborn-ness and kiasu-ness.... good or bad qualities, it's all up to you to decide... albeit the fact that I have lost many friends to these two culprits, I have gained too.... I have strived forward, no matter how hard things are.... yes, there are times I feel like jsut leaving everything behind... yes, I have had my own share of depression and angst.... but hey, doesn't everybody? I am very much normal after all....
What's it like, being a psychologist...? well, can't really answer it till I finally reach the final destination (which is like.... 5 years from now? provided that I get good enough results...) I really wonder... by the time I come back home, what will the mental health system in Malaysia that I am so utterly dissapointed and disgusted with? sigh.... it's not like I can do anything anyway.... it's just a thought....
But still, it nags on me... the fact that the stigma attached to mental illness is far from decreasing.... How long more must sufferers of these often discriminated illnesses hide away in shame? How long more must they be discriminated and shun away from cos of their illness, I repeat, illness, not something they willed upon themselves, before they are accepted for who they are....
sigh... am thinking way too much and too far.... should stop now....
signing off now....
as I return to the real world to face another day....
Perhaps, among all things, I should be thankful that I I inherited my mom's stuborn-ness and kiasu-ness.... good or bad qualities, it's all up to you to decide... albeit the fact that I have lost many friends to these two culprits, I have gained too.... I have strived forward, no matter how hard things are.... yes, there are times I feel like jsut leaving everything behind... yes, I have had my own share of depression and angst.... but hey, doesn't everybody? I am very much normal after all....
What's it like, being a psychologist...? well, can't really answer it till I finally reach the final destination (which is like.... 5 years from now? provided that I get good enough results...) I really wonder... by the time I come back home, what will the mental health system in Malaysia that I am so utterly dissapointed and disgusted with? sigh.... it's not like I can do anything anyway.... it's just a thought....
But still, it nags on me... the fact that the stigma attached to mental illness is far from decreasing.... How long more must sufferers of these often discriminated illnesses hide away in shame? How long more must they be discriminated and shun away from cos of their illness, I repeat, illness, not something they willed upon themselves, before they are accepted for who they are....
sigh... am thinking way too much and too far.... should stop now....
signing off now....
as I return to the real world to face another day....
A pat on your back, A hug of comfort, A slap to wake up...
Someone once told me that friends are not only there for you to lean on, to share your laughter and misery with. Friends are also there to give you a wake up call.... Give you a tight slap, shout at you, scream at you... just so you'll wake up, just so you'll calm down, just so you'll be ok.... just because they love you....
What am I doing now, on voice msn with my friend? Am I giving her a hug? or a pat? Or am I giving her a slap... ? I think I kinda understand what Ed felt about our conversations during my down times now.... the feelings of helpless-ness... feelings of frustration..... a little anger here and there when the other party keeps wallowing in the depths of sadness, madness.... and you can do nothing about it!
To you (not that you'll be reading this anyway):
Screw whatever contradictions your mind is telling you... you're just driving yourself to the edges of insanity. It's not doing you any good at all, worrying over things that need no worrying about.... If you really have nothing better to do with your time, go to bed... at least you'll be off in dreamland being occupied by whatever dreams that come into your mind.... at least you'll be rested instead of being so bloody stressed up....
I don't know.... I really don't know what to do anymore... the fact that nothing seems to make you happy at all.... I really do care about you... but seeing your hurt and confused and in doubt about everything and anything makes me wanna splash you with cold water just so to "un-cloud" your mind....
sigh... well, whatever makes you happy dear... whatever.... The only thing that I can say to you is to not regret the choices you make... it's your life, no one can decide what to do with it for you.... Life is not a ball game where you can pass it around to other people... well, if it ever is a ball game, rest assured it's the single-player gaming version... where you are the mastermind behind every goal or otherwise.....
Girl, get a grip on yourself... you're the master of yourself, so live up to it!
signing off....
Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me....
Happy birthday to me..... !
yay!! I'm officially 20!! Shit... damn old edi...... can i still act cute?
hmmm....
What am I doing now, on voice msn with my friend? Am I giving her a hug? or a pat? Or am I giving her a slap... ? I think I kinda understand what Ed felt about our conversations during my down times now.... the feelings of helpless-ness... feelings of frustration..... a little anger here and there when the other party keeps wallowing in the depths of sadness, madness.... and you can do nothing about it!
To you (not that you'll be reading this anyway):
Screw whatever contradictions your mind is telling you... you're just driving yourself to the edges of insanity. It's not doing you any good at all, worrying over things that need no worrying about.... If you really have nothing better to do with your time, go to bed... at least you'll be off in dreamland being occupied by whatever dreams that come into your mind.... at least you'll be rested instead of being so bloody stressed up....
I don't know.... I really don't know what to do anymore... the fact that nothing seems to make you happy at all.... I really do care about you... but seeing your hurt and confused and in doubt about everything and anything makes me wanna splash you with cold water just so to "un-cloud" your mind....
sigh... well, whatever makes you happy dear... whatever.... The only thing that I can say to you is to not regret the choices you make... it's your life, no one can decide what to do with it for you.... Life is not a ball game where you can pass it around to other people... well, if it ever is a ball game, rest assured it's the single-player gaming version... where you are the mastermind behind every goal or otherwise.....
Girl, get a grip on yourself... you're the master of yourself, so live up to it!
signing off....
Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me....
Happy birthday to me..... !
yay!! I'm officially 20!! Shit... damn old edi...... can i still act cute?
hmmm....
Friday, February 17, 2006
Ungrateful me....
Ever whined and complained that you've got no friends, no one to care about you.... when at times, it's you yourself who have been taking people for granted? Perhaps, it's just me, that sometimes, I tend to be an extremist in the wrong things.... it's either I feel too much or too little... too much till I hurt myself and others ever so deeply.... too little in that I still hurt others as I play the role of an un-feeling cold blooded being.... Sometimes, it makes me think.... does the thing called "moderation" ever existed?
A friend from my college days came over to Bangsar to look for me.... to buy me lunch in accordance to my birthday as well as my soon-to-be departure back to Melbourne next week. She wanted to whisk me away to MidValley, but as usual, that is really not quite possible, not when I am in Malaysia at least.... So, we ended up dinning at Chillies BSC. Just brings back memories talking to her... about how we met (on the Sunway College Bus), how we've sustained our friendship (also on the same bus)....
And I realised that....
I am guilty for not doing my part in keeping the friendship alive....
She has given me much.... A lot really... She has always been the one who made the first move, the one who initiates.... Always the one to remind me of Us.... Always the one who remembers....
I'm sorry for being distant... sorry for not being able to go out further than a mere few hundred metres away from home.... Sorry to let you down time and again.... Sorry, but thank you so much for everything that you've done for me....
On another note, a family friend bought me a White Chocolate Macedemia nuts cake for a pre-birthday celebration for me... Yummm.... well, albeit the fact that she decorated it with marzipan Pikachu, Dinosaur, and Fairy-tale Princess....
~"I'm not a kid no more!!! **Stamps Feet** ~
Well, anyway, yea... so many people have given me so much and I never really bothered to pay much attention to it. I must be the greatest fool on Earth to focus on things that have already passed, things that would never ever return and continue to allow myself to walk closer and closer to pain, instead of walking away from it.....
Yea, ungrateful... I am ungrateful... I don't appreciate what I have... I kept wanting more...
A friend from my college days came over to Bangsar to look for me.... to buy me lunch in accordance to my birthday as well as my soon-to-be departure back to Melbourne next week. She wanted to whisk me away to MidValley, but as usual, that is really not quite possible, not when I am in Malaysia at least.... So, we ended up dinning at Chillies BSC. Just brings back memories talking to her... about how we met (on the Sunway College Bus), how we've sustained our friendship (also on the same bus)....
And I realised that....
I am guilty for not doing my part in keeping the friendship alive....
She has given me much.... A lot really... She has always been the one who made the first move, the one who initiates.... Always the one to remind me of Us.... Always the one who remembers....
I'm sorry for being distant... sorry for not being able to go out further than a mere few hundred metres away from home.... Sorry to let you down time and again.... Sorry, but thank you so much for everything that you've done for me....
On another note, a family friend bought me a White Chocolate Macedemia nuts cake for a pre-birthday celebration for me... Yummm.... well, albeit the fact that she decorated it with marzipan Pikachu, Dinosaur, and Fairy-tale Princess....
~"I'm not a kid no more!!! **Stamps Feet** ~
Well, anyway, yea... so many people have given me so much and I never really bothered to pay much attention to it. I must be the greatest fool on Earth to focus on things that have already passed, things that would never ever return and continue to allow myself to walk closer and closer to pain, instead of walking away from it.....
Yea, ungrateful... I am ungrateful... I don't appreciate what I have... I kept wanting more...
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Lethargy....
It doesn't matter how much or how little sleep I get nowadays.... I still wake up being lethargic, so, what the heck...? It's been a long long time since i last felt genuinely rested from a good night's sleep.... not that I have that many good nights to start with...
Technically, the sleep cycle is 90 minutes, that's what I have been told... but then again, seems like along with many other health-improving issues, it does not apply to me. Sigh...
Slept at 3am last night... was on skype with a close friend of mine... it's nice to have friends... nice to have people who don't mind hanging out with you, who don't jugde you, who welcome you with open arms regardless of who you are, what you are....
Then again, alongside warmth and appreciation lie fear and many questions. Perhaps, it's just me that I dared not trust... that I have this urge to protect myself from people, lest I get hurt again by those that I loved.... As the saying goes, once bitten, twice shy....
Yes, I know that I am a coward... but it's still far too dangerous to venture out.... It hurt too much the last time.... feels like the possibility of getting hurt far outweighs a chance of making new friends. Sometimes, it's just too scary....
I'm tired, yet I can't sleep....
Technically, the sleep cycle is 90 minutes, that's what I have been told... but then again, seems like along with many other health-improving issues, it does not apply to me. Sigh...
Slept at 3am last night... was on skype with a close friend of mine... it's nice to have friends... nice to have people who don't mind hanging out with you, who don't jugde you, who welcome you with open arms regardless of who you are, what you are....
Then again, alongside warmth and appreciation lie fear and many questions. Perhaps, it's just me that I dared not trust... that I have this urge to protect myself from people, lest I get hurt again by those that I loved.... As the saying goes, once bitten, twice shy....
Yes, I know that I am a coward... but it's still far too dangerous to venture out.... It hurt too much the last time.... feels like the possibility of getting hurt far outweighs a chance of making new friends. Sometimes, it's just too scary....
I'm tired, yet I can't sleep....
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Of virtual hugs and penguins
A good friend will be flying tomorrow night back to Sydney, a frequent flyer, but he's scared.
I know that feeling... just all too well....
Fear of loosing everything you've worked hard to achieve.....
Friends especially....
And it dawn upon me that no matter how much I would like to help, there is really nothing that I can do at all... nothing at all to make him fear less, nothing at all to ease his anxiety.... nothing at all to reassure him that everything will be okay...it's just how it is.... Nothing that is other than hugs I guess, virtual hugs....
It'll never work... words... "it'll be fine..."..."you'll manage.."..."i'll be here..."
how much weight do these phrases carry? how deep can someone who has little to no sense of security trust them?
it's scary to fear....
especially when it's the fear of loosing something, someone.... due to situational changes.
well, my dear penguin lover, at least you'll get to see penguins in Australia... what you loose while going over, there will be something that you'll gain....
The law of conservation....
Now doesn't that sound familiar?
I know that feeling... just all too well....
Fear of loosing everything you've worked hard to achieve.....
Friends especially....
And it dawn upon me that no matter how much I would like to help, there is really nothing that I can do at all... nothing at all to make him fear less, nothing at all to ease his anxiety.... nothing at all to reassure him that everything will be okay...it's just how it is.... Nothing that is other than hugs I guess, virtual hugs....
It'll never work... words... "it'll be fine..."..."you'll manage.."..."i'll be here..."
how much weight do these phrases carry? how deep can someone who has little to no sense of security trust them?
it's scary to fear....
especially when it's the fear of loosing something, someone.... due to situational changes.
well, my dear penguin lover, at least you'll get to see penguins in Australia... what you loose while going over, there will be something that you'll gain....
The law of conservation....
Now doesn't that sound familiar?
To start afresh...
Thus says the title of this post....
Moving on, Letting go.....
I know it's hard, even though nearly half a year have passed, I still hung on to hope that one day you'll have a change of heart and come back to me.... i still cling on to the dreams that we used to share and hoped to make real.... But I guess, it's not going to happen anytime soon... nor is it ever going to happen... the sacred bond between our friendship has been broken... and broken it shall stay....
Still, I have been hoping....
And now, it's about time that I crush hope and shatter faith....
Perhaps then, it'll be easier... it'll be better....
Bye Ching Mun, thanks for being the friend you had been for 7 long years. Thanks for showing me what love is, what faith is, and how precious is trust. And now, thank you for teaching me the lesson of pain from the death of a friendship. A new understanding I've gained, a new lesson I've learnt....
My time of mourning is up.....
On my own two feet I shall stand up again....
I'll cherish the memories we've had.... That's about the most I'll do
but I'm going to move on now....
~farewell~
Starting afresh, starting new
Life goes on no matter how much I try to stop it. Instead of going against it, going with it would be a smarter choice....
It'll be hard, trying to piece my life back togather... but it was never meant to be easy to start with....
I'll try.....
Counting on ~ Days till I return to Melbourne : 7 days
Moving on, Letting go.....
I know it's hard, even though nearly half a year have passed, I still hung on to hope that one day you'll have a change of heart and come back to me.... i still cling on to the dreams that we used to share and hoped to make real.... But I guess, it's not going to happen anytime soon... nor is it ever going to happen... the sacred bond between our friendship has been broken... and broken it shall stay....
Still, I have been hoping....
And now, it's about time that I crush hope and shatter faith....
Perhaps then, it'll be easier... it'll be better....
Bye Ching Mun, thanks for being the friend you had been for 7 long years. Thanks for showing me what love is, what faith is, and how precious is trust. And now, thank you for teaching me the lesson of pain from the death of a friendship. A new understanding I've gained, a new lesson I've learnt....
My time of mourning is up.....
On my own two feet I shall stand up again....
I'll cherish the memories we've had.... That's about the most I'll do
but I'm going to move on now....
~farewell~
Starting afresh, starting new
Life goes on no matter how much I try to stop it. Instead of going against it, going with it would be a smarter choice....
It'll be hard, trying to piece my life back togather... but it was never meant to be easy to start with....
I'll try.....
Counting on ~ Days till I return to Melbourne : 7 days
Friday, February 10, 2006
To you....
But I guess you don't come here anymore....
I know what happened between us might have already become a past to you... how I wish that I can say the same about myself.... with each passing day, as the pain eases a little, my memory of you unfortunately grows stronger..... it's weird you know, that it works this way for me.... that my memories of you gets stronger everyday instead of fading off slowly with time....
I know not how to express what I am feeling.....
Just that I still miss you....
just do.... no matter what I said that time...
I know what happened between us might have already become a past to you... how I wish that I can say the same about myself.... with each passing day, as the pain eases a little, my memory of you unfortunately grows stronger..... it's weird you know, that it works this way for me.... that my memories of you gets stronger everyday instead of fading off slowly with time....
I know not how to express what I am feeling.....
Just that I still miss you....
just do.... no matter what I said that time...
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
unfortuntely alive
It's just a freaking decision between a notebook and a desktop.... yet, something as simple as this is causing me so much pain and anguish.... is it really worth it?
why can't he jsut give me enough money to get a good and reliable laptop, instead of leaving me hanging in the middle of no where.... or better, just get one for me..... save me the trouble that I am currently facing right now
my head is hurting like hell and I feel faint.... my emotions are driving me crazy.... driving me back into the realms of insanity......
I know I shouldn't be like this.... I know it's not worth it.... but it has passed the point of any control..... and amount or means of controlling the furry building up within me.....
calm down! chill!
but i can't....
I can't stop spinning and feeling destructive....
all I know is thee raging need to destroy everything in sight! especially myself.... especially the body.. the empty shell made of flesh in which my soul once resided.
yes...
the pain... the anger... the hatred....
yes....
still breathing and kicking.....
yes....
unfortunately still alive....
why can't he jsut give me enough money to get a good and reliable laptop, instead of leaving me hanging in the middle of no where.... or better, just get one for me..... save me the trouble that I am currently facing right now
my head is hurting like hell and I feel faint.... my emotions are driving me crazy.... driving me back into the realms of insanity......
I know I shouldn't be like this.... I know it's not worth it.... but it has passed the point of any control..... and amount or means of controlling the furry building up within me.....
calm down! chill!
but i can't....
I can't stop spinning and feeling destructive....
all I know is thee raging need to destroy everything in sight! especially myself.... especially the body.. the empty shell made of flesh in which my soul once resided.
yes...
the pain... the anger... the hatred....
yes....
still breathing and kicking.....
yes....
unfortunately still alive....
Still Hanging on...
haven't really been blogging lately... but what the heck, not that anyone reads it anyway... still.... it simply proves mom right again about me.... that I can never hang on to anything at all.. that I am low on commitment..... that I am really quite useless, one would say...
Trying really hard, that is, to hang on....
hang on to what? to my sanity or insanity? even I am not so sure about it anymore... but then again, was never absolutely sure about it to begin with.... but I guess, it really doesn't matter for now... as long as i hang on to life that is.
I've been thinking a lot lately..... about the life that I had led all these while, the life that I will lead in years to come, about people who I have known, loved, and lost. About the me that I've always aspire to be and the me who I truly am. so many times I've hoped and wished that things would turn out differently.... that all these shitload of problems are just nightmares that I will wake up from.
but i guess, not....
what can i do? I can't jsut simply wave my magic wand and inter la-la land... and forget about everrything in real life.... I can't jsut walk out on life..... yet part of me wants to and believes that I can do it...
I am not suicidal... I am not depressed....
I am just empty.... depersonalised by the numbing calm-ness that's in me.....
Trying really hard, that is, to hang on....
hang on to what? to my sanity or insanity? even I am not so sure about it anymore... but then again, was never absolutely sure about it to begin with.... but I guess, it really doesn't matter for now... as long as i hang on to life that is.
I've been thinking a lot lately..... about the life that I had led all these while, the life that I will lead in years to come, about people who I have known, loved, and lost. About the me that I've always aspire to be and the me who I truly am. so many times I've hoped and wished that things would turn out differently.... that all these shitload of problems are just nightmares that I will wake up from.
but i guess, not....
what can i do? I can't jsut simply wave my magic wand and inter la-la land... and forget about everrything in real life.... I can't jsut walk out on life..... yet part of me wants to and believes that I can do it...
I am not suicidal... I am not depressed....
I am just empty.... depersonalised by the numbing calm-ness that's in me.....