my head hurts and things just don't feel right...

i don't feel right... i want to be taken care of right this moment for i am incapable of taking care of myself now... i am tired and worn out...

she's here....

why must she come? why must she show up in front of me? why of all places, of all times? why now? when i am at my lowest?

it's not fair that she must come now... am i not tormented enough? that i need to let her see me like this? insomniac, with her mind wandering off to far off places?

I hate this, I hate her... as i am sitting here typing this, she is talking freely to "her friends" about tomorrow's plans.... hate how she's looking so normal... perhaps it's just my jealousy... perhaps it's just my neurotism....

but how i hate this... how i truly despise this moment where my heart aches.... bleeding silently.... leaving me all drenched in blood, bleeding to death for eternity....

the pain... this pain....

strong hold on me...

help me, someone, anyone...

i need an outlet.. I need to be set free....

drugged up....

I feel drugged up... my hands are tremoring, i feel flat... I don't feel me...
I hate my meds... but they are what's sustaining me from falling deeper into the deep abyss of depression... they are what's stabilising my fluctuating moods.... they are what's keeping me sane.... and they are kept being increased....

is it really alright? to be on so much meds? I don't even feel as if I really am sick....

is this denial? not feeling like my sickness is real? is there really a need to individualise, to personalise my illness? or is it so used to me by now that it's deeply ingrained in me as part of who i am instead of a separate identity termed mental illness?

self discovery?

perhaps these lingering feelings are such really is due tot he fact that I am not ready to let go yet. true, there may be many ways of looking at it... J calls it low self esteem, C calls it escapism... JN says that perhaps it's really the attention that I get from playing the sick role that has sustained this love hate relationship of mine with good ole depression and anxiety.... that everything is deep rooted within me... a childhood scared by memories that were never meant to be....

perhaps.... perhaps I am just a rambling lunatic who is having too much energy and has no other ways to amuse herself, to fill her time other than to make herself suffer.... perhaps i really do love misery... Rev was right all along? that after such a big turn round the garden, i am still ending up in the same place that I first started....?

i dno't know how to explain, I don't know how to describe all these.... I must say that I do agree to a lot of what people say... but is it so because I doubt myself? how much what is laid in front of me that i really take it as real?

I am loosing my sense of judgement.... I am loosing my personality...
and i am afraid... that I am loosing me....

am i afraid to get better as getting better is defined by letting go of the person that I've been for so so long? or is it really that attention factor that is holding me back? I don't know.....

being sick....

i am tired of being sick, tired of being tired... i really feel like giving up sometimes.... but i know deep down it's not worth it... but then, then again, i really don't know what to expect from myself, what to do with all these overwhelming feeligns of self destruction...

I know i am going round and round in circles... barely touching the root of the problem... but what can i do when all that i've ever done has been in vain? what more can i give? perhaps my struggle is but nurturing this angry beast within me... perhaps then the wiser would be to give up... then it'll be easier as well...

i know this is nonsence as how society has led us all to believe... that self destructive thoughts are unhealthy, are insane... but what more can i say? as compared to living daily in pain? what more can i say? can i really say that life is fufilling? can i say that i am living the life that i want? that i's ok to be in constant pain?

it's been so long... again and again it has returned... i am so tired, i don't know what else to do anymore... i just want to close my eyes and forget about everyhting... if that's possible, I will certainly do so... I am jsut so tired of everything... everything is a chore... everything is getting to me...

I want ot sleep now... sleep forever maybe...

med cocktail...

I'm not complaining...
I'm too tired to complain anymore anyway....

the last i checked...
I was on: epilim 500mg
risperdal 0.5-1.0mg (as and when needed)
seroquel 25mg (as and when needed)

after today.....
and additional member to the list: lexapro 0.5mg

I'm too tired to even care anymore...

Missing Home...

it's funny, it's been at least one and half years since i first landed in Melbourne and only now that I am missing home? this is ridiculous! yea, but it's true.... right now, I want to be at home, of all the places in the world, i want to be at home in my bed, with my mom and around me, to fight with my brother over the smallest of issues and show him how brainless he is (hugs, you're not really brainless bro, it's just an expression), and talk to my grandmother.....

I am missing home terribly...

I amfeeling lost and alien here in this big place all by myself... perhaps it's me who is simply jsut feeling a little insecure and is not quite accepting the fact that I have lived on my own, away from my family for so long.... reality kicking in...

I won't be home for chinese new year next year too....

funny, other than the food and the pocket money, have never really been a big fan of festives, but this time, I feel a sudden sadness, slowly crawling over me....

perhaps it cos this time around I would be away from home on a two year stretch, or even perhaps it's cos my 21st birthday will be on the first day of chinese new year and i will be spending it alone... not that many people will remember anyway... two big things happening on the same day and I will be all alone....

maybe I am jsut dramatising everything, I am just simply being melodramatic... but somehow, life is moving on so fast that I don't seem to be really catching up with it...

I feel left behind....

I feel lonely.... afraid.... I wanna crawl into a corner and cry.....

I am being pathetic.... but this is me....

raw and bear for all to see, to scrutinize....

vulnerable...

rambling on....

two attacks in two days!

what more can i say? severe?
I'm functioning.... well, at least during the day i am... but not at night, definitely not at night...
from talking at a speed of a 100kph, to now, tired, exhausted, worn out....
what is this anyway?

you're sick... can't do nothing about it...

yes, perhaps I am...
to be how I am now, not functioning as I should, perhaps I really am sicker than I thought I am. I hate this me that is not responding to my meds, that is finding destructive ways to cope with life... I hate this me who can't even smile and mean it... it's all so fake... it's all puting up a show and nothing else...

he said that I am sick, so I can't help it... i am sick and therefore I am feelign the way that i am... he's acknowledging it... I hate this.... I hate people who are in denial but part of me wants to remain in denial that everything's fine, that everything's alright when it's obviously not...

it hurts.. so much... but there isn't anything that I can do about it... nothing other than keep hoping that it'll not last long...

i fell, hit the ground and now i've started diggin...

i did something that i vowed not to do anymore....
yes, I did it... it was too much energy pent up inside me... i had to release it... somehow, one way or another....

no time for regrets... no time to wallow in self pity that i've fallen once again...
question is, shall i continue digging or should i stop myself now and start climbing uphill once again? am i prepared to face this all over again? am i willing to succumb myself to this vigorous uphill crawl all over again?

perhaps I should just let myself free fall... it's easier... and it's tempting...

can i be strong? will i be found out that i've relapsed? am i writing all these here because subconsciously I want to be found out and rescued? or perhaps I am just an attention seeker like how a lot of people see me as....

should have known when i started getting better faster than i anticipated... faster than what people expected.... should have caught the signs and slowed down before my brakes failed to work and crash....

and now I've crashed....

hurting and in pain from the sores that can never be seen by the naked eye... sores and wounds that will only come to light under much scrutinity....

I am so great a pretender that everything will seem fine...
in the end the clown cries only to himself and no one else....

i am diggin my way downwards... have i reach the sixth feet or is my current position even lower?

it's tempting, to go that far once again....

it's a journey that I came back from, vowed not to readventure... but it was tempting and still is...

wandering at the crossroad.... everyway points home, but no way will lead me to....

i am killing myself.... have my insides rot away, giving way to nothing-ness...
slowly, gradually... but surely....

it's that feeling again...

lower, lower... bam! and I hit the ground...

it's been a few days, no? perhaps a few weeks since the swings came back? right now, it feels as if life's not worth living anymore... too much of a hassle to live and fight this whatever challenge one may want to call it...

how should I do it now? can have the conventional way or should i be creative? hmm... let me see, what are the ways that if I do will garuntee that I'll succeed? what are the ways that will not hurt me or anyone else...? wait, a lot of people are angry and disappointed at me anyway, so why should I care? what is there to care when the world turns its back on you?

bad bad me... thoughts... overwhelming... if only I can pen down all these emotions welling up inside me... if only that is possible.... but i can't... I am faced with a huge roadblock and I don't seem to be able to find my way around it... help me... help this helpless me...

what a true hypocrite am i, there I am telling my friend that it's not worth being suicidal, that it's simply not worth an action to take, that we all love you, bla bla bla... when I myself feel like crap too...

i am just wallowing in self pity

I am not pretending and it's not like i didn't mean what i said when i said that to her... just that, I know better, that it's not as simple. nothing's that simple... it just appears so when you're the one talking and not the one experiencing.

I don't know what to say anymore...

I am lost... alone..

Anger?

dedicating this post to anger, rage... whatever you wanna call it... that fiery feeling inside that is making your insides burst, that is at the same time suffocating.....

I am angry that I have to put in more effort than a lot of people when it comes to dealing with life due to my inability to cope well with changes and adjustment. Everything seems to take so much energy from me, especially on days when I don't have much to spare.

I am angry that I keep swaying to and fro from being happy to depressed and back again. I need some balance, some stability in my life. But sometimes it seems like all that I ever have is instability. I am always caught in the middle of my moodswings. Yes, impulsivity and ever-changing is not boring, is interesting. But then, it's not really so when I am not in control in deciding if I were to be in a cherry and jumpy mood or otherwise. No, it's not so interesting after all when it's unpredictable even to the person concern.

I am angry at my moodswings being violent and distrupting to my daily life, as well as it being persistent. It's been so long that sometimes I wonder if it's already become what defines me, part of who I am. It's slowly becoming a love hate relationship that I needed it to know that I am still me for I have lost touch with the me without any of these nonsense, yet at the same time, I hate it just so so much.

I am angry at my own inability to fight the moods and the anxiety like everyone else always giving in when I get all stressed out. I should be so used to it by now after many years of living with it to know how to deal with it, or at least, live around it. It's not like it's something new altogether, yet I still can't cope well with what I should have had so much practice on by now.

I am angry that I have to rely on medication to function in daily life. It makes me anxious thinking about the fact that if I were to go off the medication, will it also means reverting back to that unfunctioning state I was not so very long ago?

I am angry at myself for being the unfeeling person that I usually am. For behind this calming facade of mine is a crazy girl bawling her eyes out but would never admit her fading sanity. I am not true to myself.

I am angry at not fending for myself when I should, instead, always just giving in to pessivitism. I hate confrontation, and therefore, it's easier to agree than to disagree, but then, it really isn't the best way to live my whole life.

I am angry at dad for not being here now. Where are you? Both of you?

another day...

the meds are stoping me from feeling too low.. but i am still feeling a little low... still feeling unreal... still feeling sad at night... sad and miserable... as if i don't deserve to live at all... and i truly hate it just so very much.... so so much...

don't come near me... don't leave me... in the end, i could never figure out what i really want... what i truly want out of this life, out of my life... i thought i did, i really thought i did know... and that feeling felt so real.... but i guess, it was real then and only then....

i like his way of making things not complicated... i like his approach of making things appear less serious... but half of me feels stupid when i have to call him or see him for a problem.... makes me feel small... inadequate..... needy.... still very much a child with immature decision making skills and approach to life changes.... perhaps i really still am a child... a child who had to grew up too fast and when i have a chance to stop this accelerated growth for one moment to rejoin my peers, i've forgotten about my own capabilities.... i'm asking too much from myself.... i am being too much of a perfectionist....

perhaps if i were to be able to take things simply... to not complicate things with my strife for perfectionism.... perhaps then things would be better for me.... perhaps then life would be much more enjoyable....

need to know that life is not meant to be perfect....
perfect is boring.....

and i laugh my guts out....
and tears start rolling down my cheeks....

crying for this pain within me... the hurt, the injury within me that will take a long long time to heal... that is, if it were to heal....
crying for feeling lonely in a crowd... alone in my jaded world...

i'm whiny... but right now, that's what I'll be... just for now...
tired... so very very tired....
waiting...

feeling down

there are so many things that needs to be done, but i just can't find the concnetration, nor can i find the mood to do it... feels like i am falling back into the dark trap of not caring again... perhaps it was never meant to be... the improvement... I should have known better than to have my hope up high....

I always fall back down....
Always....

i hate myself so so much... being lost and confused and living in a a world that permits not confussion... I just hate this so much that i wanna run and run away and hide in a place where I'll be safe..... anything to be safe... I'll give that much to be....

my mind is acting out... it's tired of following the unwritten rules of society that defines sanity... perhaps I wonder, just for a while... that perhaps it would be better loosing it than clinging on to it and suffer the pain...

perhaps if i were to throw away this pride and let the darkness devour me... savouring me till I am one with it... perhaps then my life will not be filled with the pain that it is now, defending myself against insanity....

it's tempting, to give in to insanity.... it's calling out my name, welcoming me with open arms into its sweet adobe..... letting myself loose and be one with the one thing that i've resisted for so long... it's a battle of persistance and resistance.... how long it'll keep luring me... and how long I'll keep myself from being lured into it's fangs of devastation....

i want to cry out in sorrow of the pain felt... from an invisible dagger plunged deep into my heart... i want to heal, but there exists hindrance.... there exists a roadblock so huge that i just can't ignore it's existance.... not any longer....

i seek refuge in my studies... yet, it's being slowly taken away from me.... day by day, i loose more and more of my passion... i've become uncaring... i'm loosing who i am, loosing my purpose in life.... i cry out but there is no one to lend me a hand... no one to believe this slacker of me... no one to understand....

alone i stand, against the world outside....
inside my shell i practice and rehearse over and over again, preparing myself for the world outside....
for i have not one to provide myself shelther other than me alone...
yet i don't wanna give up just yet...

is it a stupid thing to do?
to hang on to something that i shouldn't even contemplate hanging onto?
is it something only a fool would do?
for i am a fool... perhaps... jsut perhaps this is what i live for...

live to live a life....
yet, for so many times and yet again...

living never equals alive....
being alive simply means that you're not dead...
to live means more than that...
requires more than that....

is it something that i can give??

have no idea...

will not have...

perhaps...

for eternity...

心を痛い

ドラマの一リトルの涙を見たこともう三回があるんですけど、毎回もとても感動する。
私もずっと「如何してこの精神病気は私を選んで？」そう思う。
時々、私も知らなかったわよ、私の活きているの意味・・・
もう長い間だた・・・
もう精神医学者に会った、薬を飲んだ・・・
心理療法もした・・・
如何して今までまだ病気なの？
治療法があるんですけど、如何してまだ元気に成らない？
治るかどうか分からないから、怖いよ！
こんなの生活は活きたくない！

私、もっと強くに成ろうと思う・・・
でも、もう力がないし、絶望的になったし・・・
自殺をするほうがいいですか？

Only Human

作詞: 小山内舞　　　作曲：松尾潔・田中直

悲しみの向こう岸に
微笑みがあるというよ

悲しみの向こう岸に
微笑みがあるというよ
たどり着くその先には
何が僕らを待ってる？

逃げるためじゃなく　　夢追うために
旅に出たはずさ　　遠い夏のあの日

明日さえ見えたなら　　ため息もないけど
流れに逆らう船用に
今は　　前へ　　進め

苦しみの尽きた場所に
幸せが待つというよ
僕はまだ探している
季節はずれの向日葵

こぶし握りしめ　　朝日を待てば
赤い爪あとに　　涙　　キラリ　落ちる

孤独にも慣れたなら
月明かり頼りに
羽なき翼で飛び立とう
もっと　　前へ　　進め

雨雲が切れたなら
濡れた道　　かがやく
闇だけが教えてくれる
強い　　強い　　光
強く　　前へ　　進め