what's the dividing line?

where lies that thin fine line dividing sanity and insanity...
why iis it that i don't seem to be able to find it anymore....
have i already gone overboard? have I already got so screwed up that am now beyond all help?
no wonder she wasn't to be rid of me... lest I pull her down with me.....
it's not her fault in wanting to save herself....
it's nobody's fault but mine.. and I alone shall bear all pain....

I am loosing my mind fast.... it's really no point telling mee not to worry... no point at all....! no pont in ryin too steer me intoo positive thinking... it ain't gonna woork either.... I'm too far gone.... I am just too far away from anyone's reach... no one can help me now... no one!

the darkness of depression is slowly swallowing me whole..... soon, I'll be nothing but an empty shell.... perhaps, this will free mee from all pain... perhaps it's better this way..... to be away.....

I want to run.... I want to escape this world in which I live in.. day in day out... in deep suffering.... in pain, a pain that no one other than I myself understands.....

I guess, time have passed by me too quickly.... I think there is no point in wantingg any help any more... for everything is too late... it's just too late.... somethings just won't change... some people jsut ca't get better....

I've lived my live in pain.... it's only fair that I'll be given the choice to decide when it shall end...... it's my life... and it's my pain... what is wrong with all you ppl tryin to tell me that you bloody understand.. when in actual fact.... cut the lies and bullshit that you ppl clearly do not I repeat, you people DO NOT understand....

how can you possibly understand these feelings thhat are so private to me... how can you even do so without even tryin to sit down and listen to what i have to say???

what's the dividing line...
I am loosing sight of it...
fast....
do I want help?
I don't know....
what is it tha ti want now?
I don't know either......

please.... someone... anyone.... stop this!!!!!!!!

心を痛い・・・

夏休みですね・・・
でも、十一月から今まで、私は全然楽しかったの日が有りません。
どうした？
私も解らないよ・・・
エーリンちゃんと喧嘩をしましたの事情は私今の鬱病の理由ですか。
私は、本当に厭な人ですか？
如何して友達は次々に私を離す？
心を、本当にとても痛い！
誰が私を助けるですか？

本当に・・・誰か？

nothing....

was visiting Yvonne Foong's blog moments ago....

it was a real awakening experience.... not so much on awareness regarding NF... but rather.... her blog made me realised how someone with much inner strength and determination can make such a difference..... Seriously, it is really useless for me to just talk and talk and talk big in issues about wanting to create more awareness in regards to mental illness in Malaysia... it's really useless for me to only know how to say that I wanna change this or that... to wanna make a difference when all that I do is sit around and do nothing.... knowing only to say those phrases : "when I grow up....", "when I become a...."

well, is she that much older than I？I doubt it.... is she someone of much credibility? a medical profeesional for instance? nope.... she is but a patient with an incurable disease who has so much courage, strenght and determination in not giving up and in wanting to make a difference for her fellow sufferers..... she is but a young lady who is being the voice for those many people with NF....

she shines.....

perhaps that's what making a difference looks like... shinning even in the darkess nights....
being able to pull yourself through all the self pitying and depression even though it feels really "not worth a price to pay" in wanting to live... a battle of two worlds.... one in which our sanity lives and the other.... the world in which your emotions reside....

I may noot know the physical pain in having a dissability... in having a incurable dissease.... but I do understand how lonely and scary it can get in days when you jsut don't feel too right.... knowing no matter what you do, you still lack something.... you're still very much unlike all your other friends.....

but then again.... I do wonder... the me without any of these "problems" ..... would I like Me more than now? would I be a different person? would that new ME be any better than this Me that I know so well?

can never be sure.... can I?

Spoke to Val on the phone just now....
She's on Meds.... yet, if a person don't know her...who would have guessed that there is something wrong with her? who would'vee guessed? a lively and bubly person being depressed? it jsut don't make sense.....

maybe... this is God's way in creating a perfect world.... by filling it with imperfection so that we can fill in each other's gaps..... be there for each other.....

falling?

H said that I am falling again... that this time, I am really screwed up.... Am I? I really wonder.... Yes, I am not sleeping and am not eating well yet putting on weight.... but do I qualify as being depressed? is this how depression feels like? I really don't know... being thrown to anf fro in this mixe state between sanity and insanity, the only thing i know and know too well...

is the act that I have been lost for a long long time......
and am currently more ost than ever.....

been out the whole day shopping....
more like I've spent the whole day breaking down, picking up the piecces, breaking down again.... and the cycle continues....

yeah.... the cycle continues.....
untill when, I have no idea...
will it ever even come to an end.....

questions....

私達の約束は彼方おぼいて？

I was on Air.....

was on air just few minutes ago....
wasn't to talk about feelings... but just about being in australia....
it's nice... having someone listening to you... having a total stranger listen to you....

it feels less lonely...

I'm sorry, But I think I am breaking....

benn thinking alot lately despite the fact that I am so extremely occupied by the slides and all....

I really don't know what the heck is really happening... or how long I want to stay in this lie that I have created to fool others.... or perhaps, the main target is none other but myself? is it worth it? putting my emotions aside? chasing it away and all? is it worth it? trying to remain calm and just keep telling myself that everything's gonna be alright when it is in fact more uncertain than not? am I just being a hypocrite, a lier when I say that I have learnt to face life the way it is? or when I tell people that I have come to slowly open my eyes to acceptance of my condition, me, myself as a whole?

am I lying to myself that there is no feelings whatsoever in regards to my biological father and all? am I lying to myself when I say that I am dealing okay or tha tI will be able to take care of myself and remain healthy and most importantly, sane? am I even sane enough to be trusted to begin with?

all these I have no answer to....

A's student's in UH.... the same ward that I was about a year ago.... for what I don't know... but I guess it won't be something nice to end up there..... safe, perhaps, but won't be nice..... at least it wasn't for me.... but then again, I'll have to ask myself is there anything that I can truly say that is "nice" happening in my life...? I really don't know.... or am I too afraid to answer cos the answer is "NO" ? which is it?

part of me.... I want to be there..... restraint, freedom-less.... yet safe from the world and from oneself......

but I too know that running is not the right way to deal with things... things, espeacially emotions..... well, then again, it may not be the right thing... but at one particular moment, it feels better to deal with things in a way that feels good even if it doesn't feel right..... the moment of sheer desperation that is....moment of sheer desperation to rid oneself of the inner pain and anguish that only one could feel and understand....

why am I writing this in such a manner, why am I even blogging in such a manner, I have no answer at all....

the only thing I do know is, unfortunately the one thing that I had hoped to stop tresspassing my life at least for this three months : the emotion-driven-thoughts that are or would be self damaging....

sigh

sigh

did something that I promised not to do just five minutes ago.....
I posted in where I vowed not to post again....
I tresspassed on waters that I have vowed to let it stay still...
I am sorry, but I jsut can't help it...
I just can't stand knowing a still fresh wound and do nothing about it...

I jsut can't....
perhaps, perhaps, I am really not that good a person..
perhaps all that I do is jsut for the sake of myself not hurting and not overwhelmed by guilt....
perhaps...

perhaps I simply wasn't ready to let go fully....

a song you have loved

Melodies of Life

Emiko Shiratori

Alone for awhile I've been searching through the dark
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain
Melodies of life, love's lost refrain

Been hard, trying to pick up the pieces of me that has been scattered everywhere the day I was broke apart.

I guess, iit's because I didn't want to let you go.... I know I said that it was okay... but I guess, I was never a great liar to myself....

Even though time have flew by, I have been searching all these while in the dark for this light of yours that will never againshine in my life....

Searching for this love that I had alowed you to leave behind.

Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye
And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?
Let them ring out loud till they unfold

I am jsut as puzzled as you are on how we were stuckk together throughout the many years we spent together.... but I am thankful for the oppportunity to be your friend though baffled by your sudden leaving..... Though I bame you not, nor am I angered till hatred fills my heart and soul,

a wound carved by one you love no matter how shallow the cutting, takes more than just time and tender loving care to heal.....

I guess, there is no medicine better than amnesia....

But since it's not some miracle druug that you can by from any drug store... nor can you attain it through other means without compromising other memories, I guess, saying goodbye is as far as the healing can go.....

In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name

Yes, the hope and dreams are stll here....

perhaps it will never ever go away for as long as I live.....

hopes and dreams of you returning....

to see you smile once again......

A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
Adding up the layers of harmony
And so it goes, on and on
Melodies of life
To the sky beyond the flying birds, forever and beyond

A voive from the past...

A bridge built of memories.....

strong enough to sustain, but not strong enough to hold....

So far and away, see the bird as it flies by
Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky
I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings
Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings

Birds.....

can you recognise her from far?

can you bring her heart back to me?

flap your wigs and fly.....

I know it's hard to keep your near....

I know your wings are meant for flying....

In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me?
Was it fate that brought us close and now leaves me behind?

A good question you've asked in your letter to me...

A question that has left me pondering on and on....

and now a question that I would ask you....

A question demanding no answer...

Do you remember me?

A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
Adding up the layers of harmony
And so it goes, on and on
Melodies of life
To the sky beyond the flying birds, forever and beyond

If I should leave this lonely world behind
Your voice will still remember our melody
Now I know we'll carry on
Melodies of life
Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts
As long as we remember

Do you? Will you? Would you want to?

I guess, sometimes things just cannot be controled by sheer will....

It is true what they say....

that it required to hands to clap......

coming home..... a mistake?

It hasn't even been a week and things are already getting to become how it used to be before I left.... perhaps, on second thought, I shouldn'y have wanted so desperately to come home.... if only I could foresee this coming before I board the plane to come home.....

if only....

what is a holiday when I am actually more stressed out and busy then when I am occupied with my uni work? what sort of a holiday is this? I truly wonder.....

took back the Epilim last night..... jsut couldn't stand her no more.... I just couldn't take it any longer.... I am collapsing.... please, anyone... someone, please catch me.... I am falling and am falling real fast....

I really really don't wish to relapse again.... I don't wanna fall back into that deep darkness of depression.... neither do I wish to once again venture into the land of the insane.... I don't want....!!! It has taken me many tears and pain to get to where I am now and I am not about to willingly give it up yet..... but then again, I am so not sure how much longer can I actually hold on like this.....

will I even be able to survive till I return? or will I return to my tiny little space in Melbourne that feels more like home than this house full of people who were called my friends and relatives, once agian in pieces and needing C and J to pick me up and glue me back together?

I really had enough of these ... all of these... I jsut can't understand... i just can't comprehend.....

it's currently 4.01 am Malaysian time and yet I don't feel sleepy at all.... I jsut feel like vanishing from the surface of the earth.... i am jsut feeling so darn presured by my own surroundings.....

coming back.... it's good to be home... but I guess if given a choice to choose again, perhaps I would more likely choose to remain there by myself... find a job... whatever... than to come back and endanger myself with her never ending criticisms.....

perhaps it's just a big stupid mistake.....
but I do know that when I wake up next morning.... this is not one nightmare that would just cease to exist in my memory....

for I know that the store house of memory is so huge that nothing gets lost.... and that things just gets put into their respective places and will be retrieved when needed.....

therefore.... I can't really forget....
no matter how much I would love to.....
no matter how much.....

am back...

they say home is where the heart resides....
but then it makes me ponder why is a piece of my heart still feels as if it's wandering on its own somewhere? where is me?

touched ground last night at around 8.25pm at KLIA....
it's been a while....
since I last came home....

a lot has changed....
I havve changed, things have canged...
and most importantly, feelings of my own as well as that of others have underwent major changes as well...

I guess,
when one leaves, no matter when that person returns, be it a year later, a month later, or even a mere hour later.... when that person returns, everything chages.... othing remains....

後14時・・・

今日はマレシャに帰ります。
でも、楽しみにしません。
如何したの？

今晚回家了。大约大马时间傍晚八点多飞机便会到达KLIA了。
应该是很向往今日才是的，但，为何我的心有股放不下的感觉呢？
是我真的放不开手呢？
还是我其实从头到尾都不曾想放手呢？

不明白！
多日睡眠不足的脑袋……是模糊不清的！

感觉怪怪的……

并不晓得该如何解释，现在心中这股怪怪的感觉……
仿佛，现实中的这个我，其实并不是真实的自己……

后天要回国了，心中，却找不到丝毫跳得比平日快的感觉……
在想，使我太过于兴奋而导致麻木了呢？
还是平日的情绪不稳造就出今日完全缺乏情绪的我呢？

头好昏，心，好乱！

不要再想了！不要再理了！
放手吧！我心中的自己……
就当是我来求求你……放手，好吗？

sigh....

I feel empty..... it's as if my insides are hollow, a huge empty void....

what is rel and what is not? the thin fine line seperating it has been blurred for me..... everything seems like a blurr..... is this just another of my moodswings or is it something entirely new? is this feeling or rather "not feeling" a side effect from the medications that I have been on so as to sustain my sanity, or is it my illness speaking, warning me of an impending relapse?

I wonder.... I truly wonder....

it's hard.... it's hard to be me, let alone live with me..... yet I am thankful for whatever friends that I have left in my life..... this is not to say that the hurt from her leaving is lessoning.... is just that I have chosen to ignore the wound untill later.... that is, untill i think I am strong enough to deal with my feelings once again........

and I wonder when will that day come......

I am not sad..... it's just that something isn't quite right here......
but then, perhaps she was right.... as always.... about my lamenting about everything that I in her view, is going wrong in my life......

I don't wanna be a cry baby......
but being emotionless is not much better either.....
true that at least I don't think my life is no longer endangered, by me at least..... but then again, what on Earth is living without feeling....?

but I guess some people are truly bron to suffer I guess.... you jsut can't have everything..... well, I guess it's a choice between the lesser of the two evils.....

another day has gone by, yet in the night my heart resides...

saw C today.. yesterday actually cos it's already 5.25 am Friday... woke up half way though my sleep and couldn't fall back to sleep.... it's been like this for the past few days.... what on Earth is wrong with me? one problem after another.... who can I blame? how can I blame her for being fed up with me.... it's just an endless list of problems....

what should I do? what action should I take in regards to the medication when I go home for holiday? stick to it or what? stick to it and risk being found out by mom or not stick to it and risk going crazy again.... that is, if I am stable enough to go crazy while keeping myself alive that is.... I really shouldn't be worryin myself over this.... it's not worth the pain and anguish... over things which are yet to come which I don't even know what the outsome would be.... perhaps this is the real reason of my fear... not so much of fear of being found out or the fear of falling down again, but rather fear of the unknown reaction of my mom and everyone else at home.... yea... it's the fear of the unknown that is driving me crazy now.....

sometimes I really wish taht I am so crazy that I cease to function so that mom will believe that I am not making anything up.... just because I am functioning doesn't mean that I am not hurting.... just because I am now calmer and more sane, I should say, it doesn't mean that whatever happened last year was fake or imaginery.....

yes, he did push me... and yes, I did try to kill myself twice in a year..... and yes, I was full of crap the whole year and I was basically a monster.... why can't you acknowledge the fact that you've been rob of your daughter for two year at the minimun......?

or wait, is it you mom, that I wish to convince or is it me myself that I try to drum into my thick skull that yes things have changed, and yes, I do feel different... and yes... my continuous search for reassurance from others espeacially C and H is so because I am just couldn't believe my lucky star that I am actually getting better.... well, at least more in control if not better that is..... it's jsut so hard to believe that I, a person where most of the times have been cursed with bad luck... a person that was brought into this world not worthy of love and happiness is actually starting to feel more hopeful.....

please, please God, let it not be just one of my dreams.....

please don't let me wake then if it is....

asked C during the session if I need to re-take the medication when I return next year and he said that perhaps I would not even want to see him anymore.... well, I don't hate him.... but yea... it's true that I don't really wanna be a basket case forever.....

soemtimes I really do wonder... is it me or is he really that optimistic a person.... or perhaps due to circumstances of his work he has to be I guess.... I don't know..... well, I was afraid of the epilim is the main reason why I feel much better now... but he said that epilim wouldn't change

who I am or whatsoever.... it just calms me down....

was it a relief for me or was it not? I am just so so confused.....

what is it that I really want anyway? I keep complaining about everything that's happened, is happening, will happen.... I really feel like what CM said I was.... a self centred b***! everything is about ME, ME, ME.....

I hate me.....

everything is jsut so darn freaking confusing..... I was feeling better, no doubts about that..... but did I choose to suddenly fall back down or what? am I such a mesochistic person that what Rev said was true that I actually enjoyed playin the role of the victim? that I need to be in pain to feel loved? and that I am not hapy unless I am miserable???

is this me talking or is it my depression talking?

is it me keeping myself sane or is it the cocktail of medication that's preventing me from embarking on a trip to the funny farm?

and I wonder why people call basket cases fruit cakes......

hmm... perhaps it's because it's just so confusing.....

and I think I am loosing it now..... my mind is spining again.......

it's 6.35 am now......

I'm not feeling suicidal but I guess a leopard never shed it's spots...... perhaps my inner self is more screwed up than I think it already is... at this rate of being a "sleep aneroxic", I am so gonna die young......

是时候放手了

最近的心情 是空荡的

最近的梦境 是黑白的

世界不会因我而停留

时间和我擦身而过 谁也没回头

这一刻是永远的……

降落到忧郁之城里也约有三周之久了吧……

这次的路程，我该怎么走呢？

眼前的十字路口，哪个方向才是归家路的起点呢？

在众多的选择之中，我的心，开始慌张了……

有时真的觉得实在是累坏了……

有种好想放弃的感觉，觉得这一切的困苦都是不值得的……

心情，是麻木的、没感情的、冷却的……
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

我喜欢独自一个人慢走在夕阳西下时刻的山坡上……

晚风抚摸着我脸庞的感觉，是温暖的、冲满爱与关怀的……

遇见那满脸忧伤的小女孩的日子恰是昨日一样……

是时间比从前走得较慢了呢？还是是我自己不想让这“昨天”离我太远的关系呢？

是我不愿放手呢？还是因为只有回忆才能够告诉我是谁呢？

小女孩怀里紧紧地抱着一只雪白的小熊，坐在我常独自欣赏黄昏的树下，

静静的哭泣……

本来就并不很喜欢小孩子……多麻烦的东西呀！

再说，一个在夕阳西下这美景里头静静掉泪的小女孩，一点儿也不可爱……

一双泪汪汪的眼睛往我这儿望了过来。

“别去理她……”我的心，悄悄的警告我，

“别望她的眼！会后悔的！”

但，太迟了……我被警告得太迟了……

无论我怎么反抗，蠢蠢欲动的心，早已被那怀里抱着小熊的小女孩夺走了……

“我想自由的飞……”，那怀里紧抱着小熊的小女孩， 擦干眼眶里的泪，羞答答地告诉我。

这时，不仅令我想起，很久以前的我，也曾是个幻想能够自由地飞翔的小女孩。

但，我也知道，那从前的我，早已随着光阴而流走了……

因为，成长的路程使我学会了人生中最重要的一门课、一道题：

“事实是个梦，现实人生是一场梦，时间到了，就会醒，醒了后，一切只剩下回忆。而“希望”只是梦的粮食，并不是什么特效药。它只能够让我们在梦间里逗留久些……，是不会使梦想成真的。”

小女孩抱着小熊又哭起了……

她的心好疼。有种好像被许许多多根针刺的感觉……

她觉得被无形的绳子绑得紧紧的，呼吸好困难……

她害怕，她想回家……

但，家早已被无情的双亲毁灭了……

年纪轻轻的小女孩，什么都不晓得，只懂得哭泣、只懂得抱着小熊哭泣……

好无奈，好无助的感觉……

看着她哭泣的日子，我什么也办不到，

就连把肩膀借给她这一件渺小的事，

我也办不到！

对不起，真的真的对不起……

除了只站在远方的一个角落里眼晶晶地望着你受苦……，

其他的事，我全都无法办到！

许多年了，这些埋藏了许久的苦痛……

放手吧，女孩！

是时候放手了……

你和其他小孩一样，

都是值得拥有微笑的日子的……

note : I am not depressed...

Everything seems weird nowadays... the future seems bleak too..... I don't know why am i feeling this way, am not sure about a lot of things nowadays anyways.... everything feels like a blur.... everything... I am so unsure and insecure....

I know not of what I am babbling about.... I know not of even my own thoughts and emotions.... all I do know is that I am still living..... yes, alive I still am.... but then, is it just a transaction of air in my lungs, rythemic beatings of my heart that signifies my living? can I truly be considered as a living organism, a person with half of me lost somewhere in the wilderness, dying gradually due to depliting in emotions?

what justifies living anyway?

I haven't been sleeping again...
yes I know it's not doing me good...
yes I know it'll make me age faster.....
but do you know.... of the pain of insomnia.... ?
has it ever dawn upon you how it feels like to be plague with this illness with no face, this pain with no accurate word to describe it?

I don't know what am I saying anymore...
I don't know what are my thoughts either....
what i know is :
I don't know anything anymore...

and again, note : I am not depressed....
just being me perhaps.....

又是无题……

时间过得好快哦……
还记得昨日的自己，那个只懂得哭泣的自己……
真的没有想到，转眼间，十余年便过去了……
小学、初中、高中、到如今的大学……
岁月的流逝快得真得有点儿吓人。

还记得小时候的我，多么希望能够快快的长大，进入成人的世界……
但，往往没想到的是，如今逐渐长大的我，
却多么希望能够回到从前儿时无忧无愁的生活去，
哪怕只是一分钟之久而已……

蛮奇怪的，我们人类……

最美好的时刻总是过去，
最亲的人总是以离开了的，
最重要的东西总是已失去的，
最……

虽说人不能够整日生活在从前、过去里头，但，这世界上，能够真真做到的人又有多少呢？
也许失忆的病人或许比较容易办得到吧……
在想，难道“活在现在”只是一个人类无法实现的幻想？

唉……
不想了！

有种想哭的感觉……

开始那新药也快近两周了吧……
没错，不再像从前那么忧郁了，但，发现如今的我丝毫什么感觉也没了……
有种怪怪且麻木的感觉……
有点吓人，但却换来了平衡的心态……
到底，该怎么办呢？

time flies....

Time flies….. It’s been almost a year since I touched down in Melbourne….. Seemed just like yesterday when mom finally decided to let me take this course…. A lot of things have happened, a lot of changes have been made…. For both good and bad…..

From being hurt to starting to heal….
From desperately trying to find out what’s wrong to accepting that certain things just can’t be changed…..
From being a little girl who knows nothing to someone who is able to take care of herself….
Yes a lot have changed….
So so much indeed….

Exams are near… next week actually…..

For the first time after so so long… I am actually not feeling so panicky and nervous till I drive myself nuts and to the verge of having a nervous breakdown….
It has also been such a long time since I last wake up in the morning and feel like life sometimes is worth living… and that there is really such a thing called “HOPE” in this world…. Felt just like yesterday when I first started to despise life and everything in it…..

But then, here comes the million dollar question…. Does this means that I am cured? Does this means that I am well again? That I have recovered?

Unfortunately… I guess this is a question that no one… I repeat, no one can answer for me… not I , not my doctors… not my counsellors or whoever else that may cross my path in life…. This is something that I just have to live with I guess…. Perhaps, this is what makes me ME…. Thing is, I don’t even know if this bout of feeling good and functioning is really me or is it the cocktail of psychotropic meds of mine talking…. Am I the boss or am I not? What will happen when I go off them? Will I sink back into the valley of despair once again? If I do, will I be able to survive another episode of it? I don’t know….. It scares me by just thinking of it…..

My thoughts are running wild again… and my head is still spinning….. But I am not complaining… it’s really good that I can function now…. It’s really good too that I am not having another breakdown…. But then, it makes me wonder… what exactly is life without any emotions? What is life without knowledge of who you really are? It really saddens me to know that even though I am considerably not really severe a case and I have to live life this way… how about those who are in worse off position that I? What is their life like?

Society… mankind…. Why can’t people just accept people like us for who we are? I didn’t ask for this… yet you think I did and run away….

It’s not fair that if I have a broken leg, I can easily tell mom about it…. But the fact that I am on psych meds, I cannot and must not utter a single word to mom…. I need support and acceptance…. From her… from my family…. But yet I can’t and I know too well that even if I try, I wouldn’t get it either….. Is it really that hard to accept that your daughter has a mental illness and requires medication to stabilize her? Is it so hard to accept that fact? Why you can accept that Zoë cannot take sweet things, uncle needs insulin…. So on and on…. But can’t accept that I need psych meds….. I am not crazy…. I am just not feeling well… that’s all…. Seeing a psychiatrist is just the same as seeing a dermatologist or neurologist….. They are all specialists…. Just that they have interest in different fields……

I really have no idea about what am I babbling about here…… I don’t feel I make much sense… I just need to rant….. I am not feeling depressed… even though I can’t say that I am feeling good or cheerful or happy either….. These words just never seemed to make their appearances in my dictionary…..

I’m tired….
I feel like stoping time right now… so that I can take a rest…..

Am I really that self centred? I really wonder… all I know is that I just came to the realisation that there is so so much that I don’t know of myself…. So much that I wasn’t aware of it even happening in my life….. Even those that I was supposedly the main cause of the squabbles happening….. Did I really changed that much for the passed two years? Was I really that scary a person to be with? I don’t know…. I didn’t know….. Perhaps C needs to know all of what Y told me last night….. Perhaps…. Just perhaps the reason being that epilim is working may be because that should be the first choice of medication for me all along… perhaps what I had all these while was never that simple…. Perhaps it just cause I am still functioning in day to day life even though I was mean and scary, that’s why the darker side of my “illness” has been masked and went undetected for so long…..

Somehow, everything seems to make more sense now….. The puzzle seems to finally fit into one another….. After so many years of agonising search for the cause of my displeasure against life……

Need to try an accept things from now…. Need to pick up the pieces….. Need to be strong….. Need to falter not in this journey of mine to succeed….. It’s the only way that I can prove my worth to my dad whom I have no idea of his whereabouts….. Not even sure if I miss him, love him; hate him or what…… it’s all jumbled up….. Perhaps I don’t really need to ask of these questions….. Perhaps time will let me know….. But then, it just doesn’t stop me from trying to reason out my emotions….. I really need to work through them….. I really need to…..

Working through the crap may not necessary be the best way… but right now it seems like the only way to get out of this mess…..

...

华语作文明天得交给老师了，但，有种并不很想完成的感觉……
怪怪的……有点吓人的感觉……
是我对这一切麻木了吗？还是我是世界上最离谱的超级大懒虫！

お久しぶりですね・・・私の鬱病

今、私の心情は気が重いです・・・・

私の心の疼痛はとても痛む。
この痛む毎日毎日間断なく増ります・・・・
も・・・・やり切れない！
だから、本とに本とに自尽をして・・・

私の人生の終局・・・・
楽しみにしています！

不明白

该如何开始呢？我也不知道……
好多天已过去了，我依然是想不通……这次在忧郁的世界里团团转也转了好几个星期了。开始有点想放弃的感觉。内心里头隐隐约约地出现一股声音，一股劝勉我放弃的声音……

我真的真的好怕！怕我走不出来、怕回不到家……
仿佛我这次走得比从前更远，有点看不见回家的方向的感觉……
如果我在这茫茫的沙漠里头迷失了方向，而当沙漠里的沙粒随着风儿起舞，邀我一块儿陪同它随风儿去的时候，我该项谁求救呢？我该如何求救呢？
生活好迷惑哩……

凌晨两点多了，我还没睡。
心中的恶魔还不愿离我而去，我的翅膀还未学会飞翔……

脑袋里头一片混乱……
我已不再认识我了……
也许，当我与我的影子在街上擦肩而过，我也不会晓得……
我被梦境捆住了……

end?

"I want to draw the lie between us where my problem are concern..." that's what you told me....


I don't understand myself anymore.... why are things turning out the way they are? why am I loosing all my friends one after another? what is happening? where is the me that I thought I knew so well of yesterday? where is that girl? is this just a phase of my emotions or is it... is it the finale for my exictance here on earth? a pre-screening of my impending doom... as I slowly sink deeper and deeper into the never-ending journey of depression.... as I allow it's grasp to tighten.....

perhaps, I have been dreaming for far too long.... been living in a fantasy world that has deluded me that I am indeed likekable and that my friends are indeed abundant.... I have been delusioned to even believe in all these... I should have know that all these are too good to be true.... besides, nothing good ever happens to me in this life..... nothing at all.... again, it supports my theory that there is always a catch to everything good..... there's always a catch......

to not get hurt the best way is to stay away......
I need to learn how to despise mankind.....
I need to protect my already fragile heart from more damage..... I need to protect myself.....

I think I am dying .......

what they said were all true.... all so true... that I am the one who's causing grief in all who knows me.... it's me who is not appreciative of eerything... it is me that is keep looking for trouble.... seeking for ways that I can land myself in trouble.....

it hurts......
it hurts to know that people hate you and you don't even know why they do....
it hurts to not being able to be like everyone else....
it hurts when people push you away without giving any reason....
it hurts.....

也许，一直以来，有问题的是我，不是其他人……

人的心，可承受多少伤呢？
她的离开，我哭了整整一个月……
那颗已憔悴的心，还没复原，又再次地被伤害了……
我真的如此讨人厌吗？

好想哭泣了……
如果泪水能够将这一切不高兴的事全都洗掉多好啊！

I so agree....

You feel alone because thats it you just are alone
you want to stop being so sad but it seems that
all you ever do is cry.

気もち・・・・

毎日毎日嬉じゃなかった・・・・
私の心も私の友達じゃないですから・・・・
真実の気持ちは忘れました・・・・
昨日の私の真実の気持ちは・・・・
だから、いま大切の質問は私は誰ですか？
自分の真実の心は自分も知りませんですから・・・・

I don't want you to be unhappy....

perhaps, you no longer visit this site, perhaps, all that is left of me in your memory is but a subtle image of a girl so ordinary not worth your noticing... an image of a girl slowly fading away... ... perhaps, deep down you would have prefered for this girl to never had existed to begin with... that girl is hurting now.... hurting cause she has hurt you, hurting cause she understands not why thing would end up this way, hurting to see you lost, numb and hurt and being unable to put her arm around you to bring about comfort..... all these... all these are just wishes that this girl silently prayed... her voice of her feelings buried deep underneath her facade built to create assurance in those that surround her....

yes, she is hurting...
yes, she is sorry.....
yes, she don't understand....
and yes, her promise of staying away she'll keep....

help... she silently screams.... but no one to hear her cry during nights of howling winds..... ungrateful she seems to you perhaps... of all the things that had been going well... her dreams and aspiration at her fingertips.... yet she is just as depressed as always.... as always....

but then what lies beneath is what you don't see.... problems that she can't control dominates her feelings.... countless nights she lay thinking... of ways in order that will warrant her the assurance that she'll still be in uni for the next semester.... funds are problems that she asked for not.... problems that bugs her to her core.... then again, there are medical bills and all... so often she feels, nothing but a medication cocktail.... anti...anti...anti.... drugs that tries to block this or that.... drugs tht aims to make her functionable again... even if just for one single day.... along with the drugs went her severe suicidal ideations... but welcome to her sweet abode tremors, nausea, and a whole lot of other side effects from the medications....

yes she's not depressed... but she's not happy......
yes she's not suicidal.... but she's now a zombie....

she understands not... what made you leave.....
she tried to analyse.... she did a whole lot of thinking.....

but all and all... she misses thee.... not that she's gonna come bugging you.... she's just wishperin her simple wish to th wind... her wish to see you smile... the wish to chase away pain.....

I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either....

I don't know why am I keep falling back into the depths of depression... I don't understand how a person can be chronically depressed and yet still functionable in a way that people don't acknowledge her pain as real.... I am not tryin to diagnos myself or put a label on myself.... it's just that I don't understand the pain... I don't understand the cause, neither do I understand the dynamics of it.....

all that I know of is that it comes and goes, it come and goes... leaving me never longer than a few months.... it's like my life long companion.... always by my side..... always playin truth or dare with me...... daring me to see how far I can go to eliminate the pain.... the inner turmoil....

I want to scream help... to ask for assistance.... btu I know just too well that there is no use.... medication can't help you that much.... it may help decrease the symptoms.... but it don't cure.... therapy works to a certain extend... you talk it out... youwaddle through the crap together....bla bla bla... but I guess one thing that a lot of people who are well don't realise is that there isn't such a thing call support.... there really isn't such a thing called assistance.... cause no matter how much others try to help... try to support.... prevent you from falling.... you may still fall... you may still be in pain..... in this journey... you just simply walk alone.... not that you want to push others away... jsut that... it is a must... a prerequisite prior to starting on this never ending journey of mental illnesses.....

thing is... that I am feeling way too much!!!!

i need a way, an outlet to fully express myself... a place where I can say whatever that I want to say without being afraid.... afraid that people may think that I am screwed in the head or that I need immediate medical intervention lest my thoughts of self harming are indeed suicidal ideations..... sometimes it jsut feels like such a thing called "privacy" doesn't exist at all... makes me wonder... is it really absent right from the start or has it ceased to exist with the passing of time..... I don't know... I really don't......

I don't know a lot of things in this world... this life....
I don't know me....

was thinking.... before I wrote this.... how does it feel like pushing the limits... to have a game, a bet between life and death.... to knock on death's door and see if anyone's home to answer my self invitation into death's sweet abode. sounds interesting... to go that far.... don't know how it looks like or feel like... dare I take chances, knowing that people who hath taken this path never return? dare I take chances just to satisfy my curiosity of life without agony and suffering..... a.k.a life when you're not living.....

it's been months since I last think straight.... dammn you auntie.... if you have not wrote that stupid letter and treated me in that way, perhaps I wouldn't have broken down in the first place.... mom, you are partially to be blamed as well.. if you had not convinced me to stay with her... none of these would have happened..... none of this... so what that I do have a predisposition towards being depressed? so what if my levels of anxiety have always been way above normal.... so what? it was the trigger that set my bells ringing.... that had jumpstarted my journey into madness..... it was a trigger.... I was coping well.... I thought that my last episod back home was the final.... I thought that the curtain had been drawn... the finale presented... before I came here.....

but no... hell no..... my journey into the neverending world of insanity has just begun... with the silent music that my bleeding heart beautifully sings, and the silent tale that replays itself while my mind goes on a non-stop screeching spree...... the pain.. the pain unseen, unheard yet so real and like a fire burning my heart and soul.... engraving it's innitials so mark it's existance in my existace, however longer that may or may not be.......

无题

你不高兴，我知道……
但我怕了……
我好想把你报在怀里，爱护着你、保护着你……
但我也记得你决定离开我的那一刻，
记得我对你许下的诺言， 那放你走、让你飞翔的诺言……

有谁能够教我该怎么办呢？

私はいい友達じゃない・・・・・
でも，チンマンちゃんも私の大切の友達です・・・・大好きです。
ほんとに、ほんとにとても御免なさい・・・・

还是无题

让我为你说说故事吧……

“我想自由的飞……”，那怀里紧抱着小熊的小女孩羞答答地告诉我。

望着躺在病院里的她，我又能够说些什么呢？告诉她，她会好起来吗？把这不可能实现的事实化成希望送给她吗？

我想起了，很久以前的我，也曾是个幻想能够自由地飞翔的小女孩，也曾经对生命充满希望。
但，我也知道，那从前的我，早已随着光阴而流走了……因为，成长的路程使我学会了人生中最重要的一门课、一道题：“事实是个梦，现实人生是一场梦，时间到了，就会醒，醒了后，一切只剩下回忆。而“希望”只是梦的粮食，并不是什么特效药。它只能够让我们在梦间里逗留久些……”

小女孩抱着小熊哭了……
她的心好疼。有种好像被许许多多根针刺的感觉……
她觉得被无形的绳子绑得紧紧的，呼吸好困难……
她害怕，她想回家……
但，家早已被无情的双亲毁灭了……

年纪轻轻的小女孩，什么都不晓得，只懂得哭泣、只懂得抱着小熊哭泣……

她的病，是治不好的……
只因她所患上的是心病……

sigh.... it doesn't make sense... I know...

I hate psych wards... but at this particular moment, as like in now... I somehow... ermm.. how do I put it? I sorta wish that I am in one... at the very least, it would keep me safe if not help me... sigh, why am I so obsesed about all these thoughts? why?

I am depressed

and I hope to die....

am I happy ?.... or am I not?

I don't know....

I am running behind time....

I yearn to lay me down to sleep.... never again to be awake....

like hell it doesn't hurt...

I don't know what has gotten into me... maybe I am just plain depressed... maybe I am crazy... who knows? or perhaps I am just an emotionally unstable little girl who is driving herself mad.... perhaps...

I just feel like crying these days... I just feel like sinking so deep into this emotional whirlpool that I can't find myself no more... for I am finding it hard to find joy in things that were once such a great part of me... things which signified my living.... things which are now gone... dissappeared... and as usual, I am left behind... time and again... certain things just don't change do they? once an actor, forever an actor... once left behind, forever you won't be any near to catching up...

how do you tell those you love that you feel so srongly your emotions that you wished that you can just close your eyes and fade away to infinity? how can I say this out? how can I even confide in anyone lest I push people away again? for which pushing someone away once is more than anyone needs to affirm myself that it's not worth it... it's really not worth sharing... as I slowly came to realise that sharing is not always caring... distance may perhaps be the nearest you can get to the other person in certain times.... something I realised just far too late... so much so that I can't revert the harm done... that I can't mend the broken vase....

I hate me.... I hate me.... I don't know what else to say... I can't do no right.... I just can't... I am failing in my assignments.... it's all way past it's duedates and yet I can't seem to be able to finish it... I feel so so darn down that part of me hopes to die...

sometimes, carrying on, fighting for survival... is so much harder that just to gather the courage for that split of a second when you stop the world with the pressure you put onto the blade that is neatly slicing you forearms... severing the veins that carries your juice of live... crying crimson tears as you slowly float away... slowly, silently, gradualy....

and then, what's left is just a number... a number on your toe as you lay in the morgue, a number refering to you on your death certificate... a number marking your subtle existance in the statistical charts... that is, if you even is worth that much that you make it into being a "research participant"...

help me... anyone.... please...

don't help me... leave me alone...

I wanna get out.. I want to survive and go beyond surviving...

get your hands off me... mind your own freaking business...! let me rot and die...

I am worth so much more.... I am doing something I want, I don't wanna loose... I don't wanna give in...

kepp dreaming my girl.. keep dreaming... and better enjoy it while you're at it cause dreams don't ever come true...

I hate me!

I wanna love me...

I am confused...

I am confusing myself...

I wanna die.....

but I want to live as well....

I don't want to hurt anyone... I don't wanna get hurt either... I don't want people to read or learn about these feelings... but I want someone to pull me out, drag me by my hands and legs if have to... as long as drag me and get the hell out of here....

yet... part of me wants to see how far can I go....

but I too know that goin that far would hurt...

and I don't wanna hurt...

I don't know what am I thinking nor have I any idea of what I am typing here... I am not thinking... but feelings seemed to be puoring out of me like a broken dam... and I am goin round in circles... repeating myself again and again, dweling upon the same issues over and over again... please, someone... anyone... help me... I am loosing my mind... or have I lost it already? I don't remember... I can't remember....

perhaps I really do need a mood stabilizer... perhaps I really need to go back to M'sia... perhaps I really should have just died and do it right when I had the chance to last year.... perhaps I shouldn't be so darn frickle minded....

perhaps I shouldn't have ever existed...

I wanna cry but I feel exhausted... as if tears have been dried up....

I need extra time... I feel embarasss to even think about it...

all I know is that it's no one's freaking fault that I am such a mess... no one but mine's.....

I need to take rsponsibility over my actions have I now... I have to... I know it...

life sucks....

and I can't function.....

I am falling deeper and deeper... so much so that I have never been before...

should I let go and give up?

should I stay strong headedly?

I don't know....

all I know is that I want to work out my shit... I want to get beeter... but I am fighting a loosing battle....

I want to write my assignments... but I can't...

I can't think straight... I can't....

I am not trying to be negative... it's just that the truth is that I just can't function.....

I feel dead.....

yes yes yes I know you might be thinkin that I am just some senseless 19 year old who knows nothing but bed of roses and is procastinating... and I can't "function" cos of the usual youngster's angst... mind you... oh how I wish it's just that simple... that it's all just a "phase" as how the adults like to put it... that I will grow out of it... bla bla bla... yup.. I know I focused a lot about myself and not anything else... so now you're gonna brand me to be some self centred narcisstic bitch who just can't stop bitching around over non sensical things about trivial matters of her life? think again my friend... think again.... I am not saying that I am the most unluckiest person on planet Earth... that's not what I am saying... neither am I tryin to claim the position of the girl who is supposed to be pitied bla bla bla.... no... NO , I repeat... all I am saying is that spend one day in my shoes and then we'll talk....

sigh...

who am I talking to anyway? why am I angry and so darn worked up? I don't know...

as usual.... what am I feeling?

answer: errr.... hmm.... I... I... d...d...don't.. know....

teach me how to hate you... please... it hurts too much to still love

sigh

thank you, you said
the best way to say good bye
the best word to bid adieu
an end to a love of yesteryear
give up not, you used to say
believe, you told me
I have been blind, my love
sorry for pushing you away

a garden of too much rain and no sun
trying to grow, it's hard, I know

I am sorry for all the rain and no sun....

昔々、一つ町が有りました。
その町は小さいでした、でも、沢山人が居ました。
その町はいいところでした。とても好い所でした。
その町の人は嬉しかったでした、みなさんは友達でしたから。

でも、いま誰もいませんだから、その町は好い所じゃない。
その町は、私は独りですんで居ます。
家族がいません、友達もいません。
独りで．．．
私は独りで．．．

yes, only rain itself does not help with growth... rain only shatters souls... I am sorry for bringin only the rain with me... I am sorry for destroyin your garden... I am sorry for all the pain and suffering that I have caused and countless memories of yours that i have tarnished and deprived it the nutrients to grow.... yes, I am sorry as well for takin your time of seven years... and filling it with only sad memories for you to retrive....

I ask not for forgiveness...
I ask instead for your wings to flap and take leave...
not so much that I hate you or want you away and gone...
but rather to see you free from pain....
to see you soar and embrace the laughter that I could not give...
to see you smiling the smile that I have never seen
when you're with me...
take leave please, be free of me....

I am not tryin to redeem my status or even my position in your heart... cause that is not what I write this for... neither did I pester or ask anyone to confront you on my behalf... or whatever way you wish to put it.... just wanna say that your explanation has been accepted and I shall not push any further... be it not to break the vase make of porceline or make you cry, break down in misery... rather... just rather.... that I don't want to hold onto you anymore... I can't and I won't either....

need not run no more my rose....
I shall take leave as well... and soon, your garden will grow again.... it will...
may the sun shine upon you again... seven years of rain is too much... you deserve the sun too...
you were brought into this world deserving of warmth and love... not embrace of the cold winds of winter... I am sorry for being the gardener that knows not gardening....



　

I am sad....

I feel disappinted, let down upon... I just feel so so terrible at this very moment that I feel like tearing myself up... feel like disappearing into thin air... and yet.. all these ramblings is one that I cannot share... soemthing that I can't and must not share with anyone... especially not those who I am supposed to report everything to.... yea right... as if I am goin to confide in you all... tell you all of my heartache and risk having you all freaking up and locking me away... like helll I am going to tell...

sigh... but I guess getting angry at ppl wouldn't help, would it? I guess, not a single bit... just makes me even more disappointed... sigh... why is everything so darn complicated??

collapsed in class during my presentation in front of everyone that day... during chinese class... so so embarassing... and I am still relatively angry with it.... yes, many days hath passed.... but what makes you think or let alone assume that I can jsut accept whatever reasons thrown at me? I don't understand... I can find no trigger.... it's only my own stupid self to blame... no one else... just me....

I feel dissapointed... when S.G. was filling up my OSHC form... the one to claim for C's AUD800+ bill.... it sucks not being able to even support my own health... it hurts as well... especially when someone I had grown close to and trust takes me as someone who seeks attention.... yes, I do bear grudges... yes, I don't easily forget.... so what? I am angry, hurt and sad!!! I really couldn't care less now even if the whole world thinks I am a super self-centred snob or B**** or whatever.... all I know now is that I am about to burst! I feel hurt beyond words...

R, where on Earth are you? what is happening between both of us? what went wrong? why are you not talking to me anymore...? why are you not even willing toanswer my questions...? am I that dispisable? do you hate me so? if yes, then why? if no, then why? I don't understand... and just because I didn't probe further doen't mean that I care anyless.... just becasue I pretend that everything is fine doesn't mean that you can take me for a joy ride as well.... who was the one who told me not to spend so much time in so and so's room cos I already have a boyfriend? have you forgotten? and guess what? look who's spending every waking minute in the same person's room... yea yea yea... you and that person are good friends.... yea yea yea... you feel comfortable with that persone.... yea yea.... you both are in the same course therefore you will study together...... and yes.... you don't feel comfortable with me and H.... but hey, don't you have someone as well back home?

I am not tryin to be jealous, cos I am not... I just want to know what on Earth happened? if the sky fell on you, for goodness sake, tell me... if you're staying away fro me cos I am presumely "manic depressive" or whatever crap that you or anyone whishes to address it as, by all means, tell me.... even if you hate me so... TELL ME!!! I rather know how much you dispise me than to allow myself the time and will to conjure up some explanation to explain away your staying away....

sigh....

I am sad... I repeat... I feel so low that part of me is threatening to merge with the ground... and part of me is also picturing myself diggin a good six feet into the good soil and going deeper still... I know I may be incoherant, or even crazy... but that don't mean that I have no emotions... as much as I had it, I feel too....!

life: I hate you!!!!!!!!!!

medicine cabinet?

a lot have been happening lately... from hearing the "diagnosis" from Karl to today, having C suggesting a mood stabilizer to "calm" me down....

a lot have been happening.....

last week, I remember, was on the verge of breaking down... was so terrified of everything.... this week... near being fearless..... sometimes I really find it hard to live with me too... Karl said that it's cyclothymia.... well... at least it made some sense.... more sense actually to what C mentioned the week before... adjustment disorder he said.... yea... at least it made a little more sense... but it does not mean it has made me feel better either....

I mean, I do agree that to a certain extent that it was somewhat a brief relief... but it was only briefly... I guess having a mental illness is not something that people can easily accept, can they? well, I know I can't for one thing... I need some time.... I needed to compose myself enough to think things through.... at my own pace... slowly... according to my own speed... but then again, life just doesn't like to compromise or wait up a little does it? it's always on the go and it's leaving me behind .... well, perhaps, not at this instant, but it sure was last week when everything was bleak.... even a simple thing such as getting out of bed was of enormous effort then.... not that I am any better anyway now though... instead of sleeping too much... am currently not getting enough sleep....

I don't feel tired? you must be kidding.... just that I just can't... just can't fall asleep....

sometimes, I ask, am I the one driving myself towards the brink of insanity or am I really that sick? I don't know... really don't.... all I know is that it feels weird nowadays... can't describe... just weird....

back to what I was talking about just now... the visit today... ermm.. not really... it's yesterday to be more accurate since it's already 5.03am now and yes, I am currently still quite wide awake....
about C and the suggestion.... he asked what was my opinion about his mentioning of "bipolar" many weeks ago... when I first got to know him... and what followed next was him repitively telling me that his not makin a diagnosis... that he is not currently talkin about a diagnosis.... just that he felt that it would be a good idea for me to have another type of medication added to my already existing medications.... adding that zoloft helps... but it's the anxiety part... that it helps... a little... not much though.... and that my mood swings doubled with my anxiety is indeed a problem... that he wants to suggest something called epilim... an anticonvulsant with a calming effect... a relatively "safe" drug that is... but isn't that what almost all doctors say? that drugs are safe? but then, is it not one of the first few lessons at medical school that they are taught that all medication are toxic? why then? why?

it is true you know... what they say... that certain things are better off left unknown.. and that knowing too much may at times bring more harm than good....

but then again, what's learnt can't really be unlearnt....

sometmies I really did wished that I wasn't that curious about everything... that I wasn't that interested in learning about medication and psychology.... sigh...

I don't want to go crazy... really....

but I also realised that part of me is in some crooked way "addicted" to being like this.... I don't know how to explain it... I hate being like this... but this is what makes me ME...

it's been so long... so so long..... that I can't really remember what I used to be when I was better... that is if I even was better....

really?

saw C for my fortnightly appointment.... he never forgets, does he? he asked me about my cutting.... asked me why I am staying at the halls.... why? don't wanna remember....

is he tryin to coax me into facing it? but I fear.... so so much....!

am beging to feel like a medicine cabinet nowadays... last week, my dosage was in creased, this week, I am prescribed an additional type of medication.... apparently to help with my sleep and anxiety... apparently it's used as an anti-anxiety.... apparently my prescribed dosage is 1/20 of the theraputic dosage for psychosis... apparently it is relatively safe... apparently....

it's an anti- psychotic....

isn't that what I have been told by others I've seen regarding the drugs which I had been previously prescribed? that cipram is safe... it got me suicidal.... tranquilizers are safe... they gave me hallucinations.... what is safe?

told C the reason regarding why I wanted his diagnosis of me.... that I wanted something solid and valid that I can blame on... so as to created a based upon which I can build my courage and strenght in order to stop running, instead to embrace life and walk towards acceptance of myself...

he said that I have adjustment disorder.... hope he is right.... hope that it really is that simple.... hope I wouldn't be hurt.... hope I will not fear...

I am my worse critique after all.....

gave C the drawing/writing that I made the night before.... it was through pure randomization without giving whatever that I wrote any additional thoughts.... it was a letter, a drawing... made by my heart... for myself...

it is the evidence of my emotions....

sigh....

I am officially jobless once more.... benjamin... bridget... good luck and take care..... most likely you wouldn't even remember me the next time we meet... that is if we ever do meet again.... sigh.... i guess, just have to let go....

it's 5.29am now and I am just too anxious to sleep.... just finished watching the anime that I had randomly downloaded two days ago... tired and tensed... but also warm and inspired....

To my dad,
where are you? I realised that I am gradually forgetting how you looked like....
To my mom,
I love you.... don't need to try to heart... just need to try whole-heartedly....

My life...

Staring into space
I see my life far away
leaving me behind
alone, left with my pain

silver river across the night sky
the milkyway to light my path
only to learn that darkness reigns
overdomineering, vowing to stay

sanity insanity crossing paths
one person, halved
loosing grasp of reality
fading slowly, gradually, suddenly

realms of dreams entwined
weaving tapestries of my life
loom threaded with confusions
of that weakling soul of mine

isolation within a crowd
loneliness among those I love
drowning in waves of emotions
shedding crimson tears, self-medication

an addiction to the sorrow felt
existence based upon pain
fearing to venture out
the only way, my life explained

无题

生命匆匆忙忙的来来往往
我，仿佛再也追不上，
社会人群的赛跑，
我，将要落后了...

不再明白生命的启示，
不再晓得人生的意识，
忘了活着的意义，
忘了迷失的自己...

日夜不停了走着，
行过沙漠的迷惑，
穿过了无数的山水，
心，忘了戴在身上...

家，离这儿太远了，
我，离家太远了...

mood swings....

up and down they fluctuate
troughs and valleys they venture
leaving me the consequences
leaving me behind in their game

silent music to sooth
the soul enduring turbulent waves
silent music to calm
the heart bearing a thousand pain

on my knees I prayed
a prayer to wish the night away
upon my existance I placed my faith
may hope and trust keep me safe

a voice from deep within
the very heart of my being
a voice so soft yet persistant
calling my name
wishing me home

忘れ物ですよ！

この心は誰のですか。はい、私のです。

心:　ただいま！

　　 私:　お帰りなさい！

Dearest Heart...

it's so good to have you return home to me my little heart.... how has your journey been? tiring I presume... but my dear, worry not... for your journey in the wilderness has officially ended as you set foot back in your home... I am all too glad to have you back here with me.... all too glad to see you finally returning home.....

let me pamper you and shower you with all the love and care that has pent up inside of me waiting to be unloaded onto you... an action that I have delayed for such a long time... that I have come to realised that it has been unfair to you that I have never made you feel at home and at peace and yet I blamed you for turning your back against me... sorry...

I know many people would think and feel that the results are just my luck... true to a certain extent but yet not entirely.... I knew I didn't put in much effort, but I shall stop putting you down and discredit you again as I so often did, my little heart.... for the fact that we did put in effort no matter how little it seemed... you and I have held on even though it once looked easier to let go than to hang on during those stormy nights where turbulent waves of emotions welcomed us to give in.... yet... you and I... we've braved the tempest with great courage and determination....

this I wish not to discredit either of us any more.....

so many times I've weep over your running away from me... so many times I have placed the blame upon your shoulders by convincing myself that I am unworthy..... convincing myself that you are weak and that you are nothing but a disgrace... that how could anyone for that matter take into consideration of your beauty......

this I wish not to account either of us to it's happening any more....

start afresh shall we?

embrace life as a team shall we?

is more than a surface word....

it cuts deep.....

it carves deep....

into the soul that joins us....

it can keep us apart, yet it can as well make us inseperable....

that is what love is....

it is magic....

and it is ours to own.....

if only we allow it to be....

~Love, Me.....~

I need a friend....

not a shrink, not a counsellor... not a doctor... but a friend... I just need a friend right NOW.....

can't say it was a bad seesion, can't say it was good either... it just left me broken.... with this gashing wound unnoticed perhaps by anyone but me... am feeling broken... so deep is the injury that I sensed a sudden form of acute paralysis swamped through me.... they say that when the pain is too intense, you'll go numb....

old wounds have been reopened....

it hurts.... fighting hard to hold back tears.... all the buried emotions tryin to flee from my firm grip of self denial.... I am but a girl.... indeed.... I am but a girl....

I liked him... for being who he is.... yet at that very moment... how much I hated him for making me recall and remember... not sure if it was intensional or not... it was just like any other session that we had before... jsut that suddenly I felt attacked.... wish I could hide away.... I don't wanna be that crying child again.... yet I don't wanna be that stong person that is tryin to be there for anyone but herself... I don't know what I want....

running around in circles...
do I wanna be discovered?
do I wanna remain hiddened?
conflict of the mind and soul....
so very subtle are the actions of emotions...
that they creeped into you before you even know what anger is.....

they are the creator of pain...
the ultimate force of suffering....

why me? why is it I that have to endure...?
a little child crying ot loud...
a little child unable to comprehend...
yet, she was not spared of these nightmarish events that her young mind fought hard to understand...

a little girl cryin in the rain...
please rain, please wash away her pain....

I feel like I am babbling about nonsensical things... but then, what makes up common sense if not us human? I don't wanna be a stereotype....

I wanna be a different girl....
not that teary eyed little girl...
but a young lady with the courage to hope and dream.....
a young lady who wants to spread her wings and soar.....
not like a timid little mouse in hiding.... not she...

confused....
help me....

dying (~.~)

had a good day in the city with Jon and all.... really.... a good day... went sightseeing.... the aquarium.... the clochlate place which was heavenly.... and yes... those flames.... the ones just outside crowns.....

but now, it feels as though I am dying....

I can't explain this.... I never could.... the fluctuations of my moods brings me along this winding journey of no return.... a journey that may cost me my sanity if not my life...

feeling down.....

no one to catch me as I fall....
deeper and deeper I descend....
into a place where I can see nothing but the bright sky above me that I will never reach... never..

been feeling "out of it" the whole time... is it the change in dosage or is it just one of my low periods.... I realise now that I have even lost the ability to distinguise one from another.... will I loose the ability to even know myself in the near future? will I even have a future.... right now... it all looks....

bleak....

to my young adult eyes....

grey.... everywhere.... absence of any distinction....

pool of muddled waters....
grey in color.... only soon to be brightened by crimson tears....

.... that creates tiny ripples that creates upon it a canvas painted with passion of the stories of yesternight.... stories of pain and anguish....

and let me before I depart.... leave behind a mark... perhaps the only visible proof of my existance....

as I dream of being the painter of this canvas....

red....

Dear depression...

hey...

was thinking about you... just felt like writing a letter to you today... tryin to see how you are.... apparently, you've not change your address I see.... you're still here, inside my heart... residing in my very soul... it's been ages.... are you not tired? cause I am....

wanted to tell you this... I truly HATE you.... why don't you just pack your bags and leave? I don't need you around to remind me of who I am... you don't need to be the creator of my personality.... you are nothing actually... in case no one has ever told you this... you have never been anything to anyone... and you won't be for me....

but I LOVE you.....

you are what makes me me.... you are the only part of me that I can understand.... at least your mechanics I do comprehend.... you are also the one thing that has sustained my creativity....

I am scared.... I don't like your presence but I am afraid of your absence....

I have grown so accustomed to you that I now fear that when I loose you finally, I may not like the new me that I will get from your departure.... I am scared in giving you up... yet in the mean time I can't wait to be rid of you.....

you've hurt me

leaving me to bleed silently

no comfort, no empathy

yet you are my identity

love : ~me~

lost... confused....

I cried....

Jon came over.... I am but a child.... wanting and needing to be cuddled and loved... and yet the one person who wouldn't and couldn't love me is me myself.... yes... me...

feeling down... so down that everything seems so bleak... that as if I am spinning out of control once again.... perhaps I really am.... who am I anyway? a girl with problems or the problematic girl?

am finding myself caught in this sudden whirlpool of anger... this fiery rage that is trying to consume me... perhaps, it might as well have succeeded half way based on the fact that I am now loosing my mind or at least starting to.... I hate HER.... yes, read my lips.. I hate her, dispise her.... I am suffering cause of the letter..... that letter she wrote that threw me off the edge....

I need to blame someone else...
I don't think I can go on taking everything inwards.... I need an outlet...
I must stop taking the blame for everything that has gone wrong in my life....

I am but a girl....

Jon thought that I was suicidal... can't blame him.... it must have freaked him out... well, it did freak me out though.... fact is... I am just feeling terrible... not suicidal....

depression, screw you... not gonna loose to you...

I just wanna be normal... but then, again who is normal? what is normal?

time flies and sometimes I feel like I am missing out... that I can't catch up with it.. it is tryin to leave me behind.... is it not?

trapped.....

S A D . . .

Abused?

J said that it was abuse.... but was I? unsure... am I suppressing my inner most feelings? am I cheating and lying to myself, trying to convince myself that nothin happen? or was it that there really was nothing happening that night? and those many nights before... when I can't do nothing but cry and cry.... in hopes that the tears will somehow wash away all that I would gladly disown as mine.... but I gueess things like this... thoughts and wishes like this will only be real in movies that make them real.... they can't be real in real life.... can it? can tears bring comfort? can tears wash away the pain? someone, anyone.... please, convince me.....

HW and all have been back home for quite sometime now... and S is out in the city while I can hardly tell WJ any serious stuff that is on my mind.... I am all alone.... me, myself... and my "temporary" room..... my home "kononnya". they say that the home is where the heart is... but, where is my heart? where?

maybe someone will call out :　忘れ物ですよ。この心わ誰のですか。
then perhaps then I would be able to call out :　はい、わたしのです。
~and retrive my long lost heart.....~ ha! I must be going crazy! or am I already crazy? that is why I am seeing Dr. C right.....

why did he push me? why? I can't remember or is it that I don't want to remember? then why the flashbacks? why come and bother me now? what have I done? why can the past be past and let me go? or is it me who is unwilling to let it go? is it me who is so tirelessly holding on to what little recollections that I have about my past and all in order to justify my being here? to affirm myself that I am real... that it is not a fantasy wolrd that I live in... but in fact is the real one... it's the real deal...

remember....

why was I locked in the bathroom? it was dark... so dark and scary... what was it that I had done? what? why sis he locked me in there? where is mommy? where is everyone? wait... did it happen or did I made it up? he off the lights.... why? it's the downstairs toilet.... next to the kitchen.... wait... is the scene from when I was still stayin from cheras or is this scene or rather memory a distorted version of what happened when I was 11 years ole? what happened that day.... mom... chasing me... overdosing.....

can't remember.....
amnesia....

mom scolded me on my birthday last year... or was it the year before? what on earth is happening to my memory? why are there missing pieces here and there? what is happening to me? who am I anyway.... having a name doesn't really gives you much assurance of who you are you know.... it's what you feel about yourself that can determine if you're real or fake , alive or dead..... right now, I feel dead.....

boredom kills....

they say that my mom was the best mom ever.... but I knew the truth.... the cold hard truth that people couldn't have figured out if I were to not tell them at all.... it was children's day.... CKS '94.... balloons... everywhere..... my mom helped set up the place.... she was wearing a baju kurung... she was the most beautiful mom ever.... the youngest among my other friends' moms.... and apparently the nicest "aunties" there.... mom helped decorate my class.... the last time help ever helped in any of my functions for that matter....

mom went away.... never returned...

she's cold.... so cold towards me... but yet I know... and I know just too well how fiery is her flame of undying love for me...

confusion, welcome to my sweet abode... with open arms I welcome you.... I hate you....

silence..... confusion... depression.....

okay?

Dr. C called me yesterday, just to ask how am I doin... funny.... perhaps he is much different than the others than I thought he is. perhaps, he is here for me as an angel... perhaps, chances are meant to be given... perhaps, it's okay to trust again.... perhaps....

last night, could not sleep again... CM had flew back home, so has EK.... this sunday will be HW and next will be A. seeing all of them leaving simply breaks me apart.... being reminded that I am different is bad enough.... knowing that I really wanna go home and yet have to pretend that I don't want to and be strong, it's worst...

falling behind time... psych test is on monday and I am not even half prepared... seems like everytime I try to be better, try to do my work... try to put i effort, I don't get anywhere... sigh...

broken butterfly

When wings forget how to fly
When dreams returned to the sky
I wish I could soar once again
Will hope free me from this pain?

Strangers I see as I stroll along
Days go by, I couldn’t be strong
Left alone wound up in a cell
Created by my heart, deep as the well

Across the seas I set my sail
To find a place where peace prevails
In crowds I wander, all alone
Or perhaps, it’s me myself, I fear to own.

Letter 3

Dear A,

haven't talk to you for quite a couple of days now huh.... suddenly, feels like I sorta miss you. but then, I am confused now, about what I truly think of you... you just feel so so distant... like I am floating high up in the clouds and you are down there on Earth.... or... is it the other way around? I'm confused....

sigh... if only I can feel me as like in me on the whole and not just part of me... are you the culprit? I wonder... I truly wonder... right down, deep down from the bottom of my heart I want to ask if you even know of my existance... I know, I am crapping again, but since when anything had ever made sense to begin with? correctto!! NEVER....! the answer is NEVER! not when I know you are hurtin, not when I am tryin to make it hurt less.....

I am angry...
I am frustrated...
I am hurt...
I am sad...
I need you...

I wanna be a child once again... even if it's just for a day...

a lot of thing's been happening lately... one day I was estatic, another I was so down that nothing seemed to go right... not that I ever had any hopes of it goin right to start with.... but then again, that's not my point... thing is... should I take up Dr. C's suggestions? kept me wondering ,days on ends.... mood swings.... it's keeping me apart from this whole reality of life... or perhaps, I was long out of it even before I started thinking about it? so long I've been out of my life that perhaps I don't even know if I am still alive or not....

J said that I should talk to you more... maybe... but it feels funny "talking" to you... but still perhaps, jsut perhaps, you can help set my thinking straight... ?sigh... or am I so lost that I am know even not sure if I am confused or not?

don't wanna talk to you...

makes me feel weirde....

sigh....

I need a friend...

I need a friend in you....

Love,
~B~

Stressed!

was so depressed for the past few days that even talking takes up so much of my energy, not that I had a lot to start with... went to brendon park with all of them for grocery shopping on saturday as usual and throughout the entire journey to and back I think the maximum number of words that came out of my mouth which are reasonably audibel is not more than ten I guess... so much for moodiness....

am I really bipolar or just plain depressed? I am begining to get really confused now... the reason being so is that if I am just plain depressed, then at least I know that in the morning when I am jumpy and all, there might be a slim chance that "that" is who I am beneath all these layers of "masks" tha tI put one everyday so as to fool everyone around me into believing that I am feeling okay... perhaps, the one person that I really wish and hoped that I can trully convince is perhaps lil' ole' me.... but, if I am bipolar, then most likely that the "hyper-me" that I experience during the day when I am with people is all but just another symptom of my "illness"... am I just ill or am I so screwed up that I can now be pronounced insane?I'm confused!

had a total of 3 panic attacks over the span of 2 days... can I even ask if I am severe? ok ok I know the answer... feeling so down and disappointed... why? why after so long it still came back? why? I don't understand... what can I do now to stop it? to revert the mode of my "illness" back to "remission"? it seems like an never ending story weaving it's path along this journey called life which is officially "owned" by me... not that I want it that much... but then.... sigh

made CM cry that day.... it hurts you know.. it hurts damn well when you see the person you care about cry because of you... not that you did something bad to them... but rather, it's because they see you hurting and they feel so helpless that all that they can do is cry.... CM don't deserve this.... she deserves to be happy always... so does HW and everyone else, everyone else that I snapped at.... I don't know......

我是如此的恨现在的自己。我究竟是谁，我已经不懂得该如何回答了。觉得自己有如一只迷失了方向的迷途羔羊。更觉得自己像个落地的天使，伤了翅膀、忘了如何飞翔。

Dear Me...

EK said that perhaps I don't wanna get better... CM said that I am getting better... I say I am so freaking confused!!!

I have come to not understand what it means so smile and really mean it... perhaps, I have come to loose touch of reality, of who i really am and not so much of who I yearn to be or not to be... I don't know what am I feeling... I don't know what am I thinking... just a daze.... blurred...

saw a magnificent sight today as I walked home with A. two rainbows with brilliant colours across the wide sky. perhaps it's just me who's more sentitive then usual, or perhaps cos it's been raining and the weather is depressin... just perhaps... I don't know exactly... but for that instance, I felt like crying... I felt like just letting the floodgates open again... I felt like I wanna run into the arms of those I love and dearly missed and cry my heart out... I felt like a little girl... I am a little girl in seach for affection... but, from who?

I don't know what I am feeling... just that I am in this bottomless pit with not a single way of getting out... I am trapped..... I wanna scream!!!!!!!!

strong waves of emotions filling me... taking life away from me... I am breakin... collapsing.... I am like a bridge about to be washed away by the mighty waves from the angry sea that is staring straight into me eyes.... instilling in me, imense fear that I cannot fight... feel like letting go... I am but a girl... just a human being.. why do I desearve this? questions that has no answers... answers that don't belong to any questions.... finding it hard to hold on to reality and sanity no matter how hard i try to... my brain is killing me... slowly, silently... then it'll consume me, my every senses, my very pressence... untill i am left with but a body, built of flesh and bones... without a soul... a living walking organism who is said to be alive just because she is breathing and exhaling; alive yet dead, moving yet paralysed;crying yet numb... and agin, I am but a girl... what have I done to deserve this?

anger pain, sadness, laughter... all mixed up... entwined within my very soul... like a helpless fly in a cobweb I am... awaiting for my untimely death...

I am being melodramatic again... I am just being me, the me that I am so disgusted to even think about my very existance... the me that I have never wished to be... long gone were the days when I could distinguish emotions, long gone were the times when I can tell for certain the person I was... long gone were the knowledge and understanding that I had about myself... not that I had much to begin with.... and then again, perhaps, I really shouldn't be complaining... when you've lost so much, there is really nothin much that you can loose any more anyway...

I don't wanna be depressed.... Help me... anyone... I don't care... anyone... who even bothers... perhaps, I don't even deserve anyone to start with... perhaps, this world that I am living is but a world of make-belief... a world constructed by me and me myself holds the keys to set myself free... perhaps it has always been a game of "playing house" that I have constructed for myself and everyone else are just characters that I have made up through my imagination....

then perhaps, the question should be that.... when will I wake up?

from,
~me~