feeling not as alone in this whole emotional and anxiety problems issue... after speaking to JT... not that I spoke to him about anything in particular... but rather, to hear him telling me about it. hearing him speaking of someone he knew being on psych meds and all, hearing him telling me how he was suspected of being bipolar and all... has surprisingly brought about some form of a release.... to hear him casually talk about it, like it's just an extra flower bush in the garden, to hear him being open and honest.......
somehow, somewhere, I started feeling more at home, started feeling more accepted and understood.... started feeling less afraid.... less afraid....
i need to start being open with myself as well...
I need to start likign myself for whatever, whoever I am... it's not like I asked for it... it's not like I wanted to be how I am.. it's just who i am... while it does not define what kind of a person i am, it does, however, make me ME....
enough of wallowing in self pity, enough of playing the role of the problematic disturbed young person that is not sure where the thin fine line between sanity and insanity divides....
enough is enough....
he's not afraid or embarassed about it.... why should I?
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
dissociating....
I feel less and less real recently... yes, I am still bubbly and jumpy... but the emptiness that I constantly feel... the uneasiness regardless of whether I am alone or not is growing... yes, it's definitely growing... getting harder and harder to handle with each passing day....
it angers me, to see myself self-loathing and hating myself for who i am, what i have become... I am a pretender... always, and I mean always pretending that I am doing well... that I am as functional as anyone else... that I have nothing lacking.... nothing that can hinder my progress.... nothing to stop me....
yes... I have had nothing to stop me...
and I have got nothing to hold me back either... be it from falling or rising up....
being hindered by obstacles is a challenge.... being always stopped by problems that come our way is depressing and frustrating...
but, being at a high speed for extended lenght of time is tiring... especially when that car that you're driving has no brakes installed and you're going at 200kph.... directionless, pointless... empty....
one not functioning at all, the other functions too much...
both cry out stop... you wanna stop free falling.... for you know it will always be a crash landing following suit.... you want to stop functioning at such a marvelous rate that no one can keep up with... for it will be hell that you're gonna greet once all that energy burns out... once everything returns to "normal"....
not that "normal" has ever before existed anyway.....
I don't feel like me anymore.....
I am once again loosing my grip on sanity.... loosing sight of that fragile connection that binds me with the real world.... loosing me....
and I question: how many times must I feel like I am loosing me until I eventualy do loose me?
when that time arises, will I even be there to answer myself? will I even know it? perhaps it's just an untimely death.... perhaps....
it angers me, to see myself self-loathing and hating myself for who i am, what i have become... I am a pretender... always, and I mean always pretending that I am doing well... that I am as functional as anyone else... that I have nothing lacking.... nothing that can hinder my progress.... nothing to stop me....
yes... I have had nothing to stop me...
and I have got nothing to hold me back either... be it from falling or rising up....
being hindered by obstacles is a challenge.... being always stopped by problems that come our way is depressing and frustrating...
but, being at a high speed for extended lenght of time is tiring... especially when that car that you're driving has no brakes installed and you're going at 200kph.... directionless, pointless... empty....
one not functioning at all, the other functions too much...
both cry out stop... you wanna stop free falling.... for you know it will always be a crash landing following suit.... you want to stop functioning at such a marvelous rate that no one can keep up with... for it will be hell that you're gonna greet once all that energy burns out... once everything returns to "normal"....
not that "normal" has ever before existed anyway.....
I don't feel like me anymore.....
I am once again loosing my grip on sanity.... loosing sight of that fragile connection that binds me with the real world.... loosing me....
and I question: how many times must I feel like I am loosing me until I eventualy do loose me?
when that time arises, will I even be there to answer myself? will I even know it? perhaps it's just an untimely death.... perhaps....
flying high...
i feel the need to rush things again... to do things quick....
what is this? this compulsion to just work and work and continue working?
I don't understand...
shall I jsut enjoy it and ride along with it?
is this normal? to feel like this?
what is normal anyway?
don't know....
what is this? this compulsion to just work and work and continue working?
I don't understand...
shall I jsut enjoy it and ride along with it?
is this normal? to feel like this?
what is normal anyway?
don't know....
Saturday, May 27, 2006
deep breaths
there is so much that we take for granted, every moment, everyday...
we take for granted that we are alive, that we wake up each morning, having the whole wide world to greet, having people return our hellos and good mornings... perhaps, a lot of us don't even bother with greeting people to start with... to most of us, to have to wake up is a hassle, to have to go to work, meet people, go uni, school, whatever is a hassle... rather stay in bed, rather live in dreams....
yes we take for granted the beauty of being alive... the fact that we are alive....
we take for granted friends that care and try so hard to fit in with those who don't. we brush those that really love us for who we are and want only the best for us aside, making room for those who are not even worthy of being called friends.... why? why is it so that we never listen, never trust, always taking things for granted? thinking that everything we do is right, never stoping long enough to ponder what exactly is right or wrong....
wonder... is there really such a thing as wrong and right? is there really a distinction between those two? where lies the dividing line?
we take for granted that we are who we are, always tryin to be someone else, something else that we are not meant to be.... we are made to be unique, each and everyone of us being a special, irreplaceable being created in the glory of God, yet, there we go and try to be anyone but ourselves... and when we can't, we spend live thinking worrying that we can't....
what is this?
why must we loose things only then will we know it's value?
why?
we take for granted that we are alive, that we wake up each morning, having the whole wide world to greet, having people return our hellos and good mornings... perhaps, a lot of us don't even bother with greeting people to start with... to most of us, to have to wake up is a hassle, to have to go to work, meet people, go uni, school, whatever is a hassle... rather stay in bed, rather live in dreams....
yes we take for granted the beauty of being alive... the fact that we are alive....
we take for granted friends that care and try so hard to fit in with those who don't. we brush those that really love us for who we are and want only the best for us aside, making room for those who are not even worthy of being called friends.... why? why is it so that we never listen, never trust, always taking things for granted? thinking that everything we do is right, never stoping long enough to ponder what exactly is right or wrong....
wonder... is there really such a thing as wrong and right? is there really a distinction between those two? where lies the dividing line?
we take for granted that we are who we are, always tryin to be someone else, something else that we are not meant to be.... we are made to be unique, each and everyone of us being a special, irreplaceable being created in the glory of God, yet, there we go and try to be anyone but ourselves... and when we can't, we spend live thinking worrying that we can't....
what is this?
why must we loose things only then will we know it's value?
why?
Friday, May 26, 2006
some times I wonder....
a lot's been happening... it's all making me wonder about myself, and other things... things which are happening in my life... which may happen, which have happened... and then i questioned...
is this me talking or my wandering mind talking?
the fear of going insane is great.... then they tell me... since I know somethings is not right, I must be still quite sane right? wrong.... you don't have to be completely ignorant about what is happening to you and your surroundings to be considered mentally ill, emotionally disturbed, problematic.. whatever word one may fancy in this context...
somewhere along the line... one will know that one has crossed the line...
and i think i am crossing it now....
but what the heck, what is new anyway?
is this me talking or my wandering mind talking?
the fear of going insane is great.... then they tell me... since I know somethings is not right, I must be still quite sane right? wrong.... you don't have to be completely ignorant about what is happening to you and your surroundings to be considered mentally ill, emotionally disturbed, problematic.. whatever word one may fancy in this context...
somewhere along the line... one will know that one has crossed the line...
and i think i am crossing it now....
but what the heck, what is new anyway?
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
There are things that need to be done
I can't stop... I am feeling fast, I am going at a fast rate.... is it good or bad? I don't know... it sure feels better than being unable to do anything.... it sure is better than having everything being an effort..... but somewhere along the line, something is wrong.... something is definitely wrong.... I can't sit still and relax... I need to calm down.... I need to calm down....
there is so much that I feel like doing.... there is so much inside me that I desperately want to let out.... I want to do so so much.... I feel like doing a thousand things at a time...
what is happening, I don't know... I am not sure.... I don't want to be judgemental of myself... but this is fast.... it's like the other time.... it's like that time last year..... where somewhere along the line, things get out of control... I need to slow down...
fast .... fast ..... fast .... fast ......
a million things flooding through my mind....
need to do so much.....
I am repeating myself.... but I can't help it... I can't help it....
I can't help it....
there is so much that I feel like doing.... there is so much inside me that I desperately want to let out.... I want to do so so much.... I feel like doing a thousand things at a time...
what is happening, I don't know... I am not sure.... I don't want to be judgemental of myself... but this is fast.... it's like the other time.... it's like that time last year..... where somewhere along the line, things get out of control... I need to slow down...
fast .... fast ..... fast .... fast ......
a million things flooding through my mind....
need to do so much.....
I am repeating myself.... but I can't help it... I can't help it....
I can't help it....
Productive
I've been productive... this energy is good... to have this much to give... to function at this speed, to function this well... it's good... it's a good feeling... it's been a while... yes it has been, it truly has been.... I feel alive again... brought back to life....
it does make me question myself... at times like this when there appears to be no limits to what I can do, wha tI can achive... back to being myself I presume? the dark clouds have finally lifted... there I am given light again in my life...
There is so much yet for me to do, for me to accomplish... there is little time left for me to catch up... but i believe I can and I will.... there is no stopping me now.... it's only moving forward now... only moving forward.....
it does make me question myself... at times like this when there appears to be no limits to what I can do, wha tI can achive... back to being myself I presume? the dark clouds have finally lifted... there I am given light again in my life...
There is so much yet for me to do, for me to accomplish... there is little time left for me to catch up... but i believe I can and I will.... there is no stopping me now.... it's only moving forward now... only moving forward.....
Monday, May 22, 2006
suddenly...
I don't feel like doing anything...
I don't feel like going on....
suddenly... emotions overwhelm me....
up and down my moods they fluctuate....
again, yet again.....
tiring....
I don't feel like going on....
suddenly... emotions overwhelm me....
up and down my moods they fluctuate....
again, yet again.....
tiring....
Friday, May 19, 2006
"Feel Miserable" Day....
since I can't fight this down depressive feeling with anything... I shall not try to anymore... perhaps what I really needed is a chance to feel thoughroughly miserable and hopeless... to sink that deep.... only then I will get up again.... perhaps...
when life's that crap, everything's worth a try isn't it?
I shall then declare for myself tomorrow as "Feel Miserable" Day....
I will be allowed to:
- feel as miserable, as depressed as I want to
- feel as though the world is going to fall on me and let it be
- feel worthless and succumb to self pity
- experience my own "death" in imagination
- not fight the feelings
- feel hurt and cry as if I've never cried before
- not think about ways to make myself feel better
- whine and cry over my insane existance
- forget about everything that needs to be done
- important or not, nothing matters, screw everything
- let myself curl up into feotal position and wished that I hadn't been born
- be anti-social and practically a b**** to people
- be mute
- take down my "smiley face" and "okay face" facade
- be a walking, talking time bomb to people
-
-
-
-
just 24 hours.....
just that..... no more, no less....
when life's that crap, everything's worth a try isn't it?
I shall then declare for myself tomorrow as "Feel Miserable" Day....
I will be allowed to:
- feel as miserable, as depressed as I want to
- feel as though the world is going to fall on me and let it be
- feel worthless and succumb to self pity
- experience my own "death" in imagination
- not fight the feelings
- feel hurt and cry as if I've never cried before
- not think about ways to make myself feel better
- whine and cry over my insane existance
- forget about everything that needs to be done
- important or not, nothing matters, screw everything
- let myself curl up into feotal position and wished that I hadn't been born
- be anti-social and practically a b**** to people
- be mute
- take down my "smiley face" and "okay face" facade
- be a walking, talking time bomb to people
-
-
-
-
just 24 hours.....
just that..... no more, no less....
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
will it ever stop?
This spinning?
my mind's all over the place... help.. I need help te get back to my own pace.. it's driving me crazy... feeling depressed.... knowing that is not helping much...
thinking too much, too much! stop!
my mind's all over the place... help.. I need help te get back to my own pace.. it's driving me crazy... feeling depressed.... knowing that is not helping much...
thinking too much, too much! stop!
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Saturday, May 13, 2006
I'm tired... it's all coming back....
help me .... please... it's all flooding my mind... finding it hard to breathe... it's coming at me... and I really don't know what to or what not to do anymore... moodswings... I am now in my deepest of moods.... I feel rotten... my insides are decaying..... slowly... but surely... I cannot keep up with this... it's driving me crazy... I need someone to get me out of this... please... anyone.. I cna't do it alone... i want to leave everything behind me... it's too much... too much things in my head... I cna't think.. I can't function as I should... I am nothing... nothing but a soul-less shell... housing a decaying soul... broken... shattered... into a million tiny little pieces that is fated to not be patched back... I'm slowly dying... emotions overwhelming... please... I seek refuge from anyone who is willing to provide an asylum for my insane mind... anyone at all... no matter.... just need an immediate release right this instant... noone understands... no one comprehends... don't blame them... to feel this much yet feel nothing..... dwelling in the eternal darkness that I've created... that I am created in... help me... despairing thoughts wouldn't leave me the hell alone... I jsut want to feel at peace with everyhting... I seek nothing but a release... I don't want to give up.. but finding strenght to carry on seems to be something that exits only in dreams and nowhere else... I can't... I can't I can't go on like this... not like this.... help me.... help me.... help me.... help me... help me.... help me... help me.... help me... help me... help me..... help me.... .......
I'm loosing grip of sanity...
I am loosing me....
I'm loosing grip of sanity...
I am loosing me....
Monday, May 08, 2006
Melbourne International Comedy Festival
Was there on 7th May 06 for the comedy Tripod in Self Saucing.
Thanks Nik again for the great time spent together...
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Melbourne International Comedy Festival
Was there on 5th May 06 for the comedy Geraldine Hickey in One Week in Paradise. Thanks Nik for the great time spent together...