i did something that i vowed not to do anymore....
yes, I did it... it was too much energy pent up inside me... i had to release it... somehow, one way or another....
no time for regrets... no time to wallow in self pity that i've fallen once again...
question is, shall i continue digging or should i stop myself now and start climbing uphill once again? am i prepared to face this all over again? am i willing to succumb myself to this vigorous uphill crawl all over again?
perhaps I should just let myself free fall... it's easier... and it's tempting...
can i be strong? will i be found out that i've relapsed? am i writing all these here because subconsciously I want to be found out and rescued? or perhaps I am just an attention seeker like how a lot of people see me as....
should have known when i started getting better faster than i anticipated... faster than what people expected.... should have caught the signs and slowed down before my brakes failed to work and crash....
and now I've crashed....
hurting and in pain from the sores that can never be seen by the naked eye... sores and wounds that will only come to light under much scrutinity....
I am so great a pretender that everything will seem fine...
in the end the clown cries only to himself and no one else....
i am diggin my way downwards... have i reach the sixth feet or is my current position even lower?
it's tempting, to go that far once again....
it's a journey that I came back from, vowed not to readventure... but it was tempting and still is...
wandering at the crossroad.... everyway points home, but no way will lead me to....
i am killing myself.... have my insides rot away, giving way to nothing-ness...
slowly, gradually... but surely....
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