in search...

I seek

every moment of my life

however lenghty it may be

the life i desired

true only in my dreams

I seek

the smiles I see

of people surounding me

a dream within thousand dreams

weaved by my wildest fantasy

I seek

peace to calm me

faith to streghten my beliefs

encouragements to live

in a world that discrminates against me

I seek

myself, the real me

the one behind the mask

the one person i used to be

yet along with time

went my memories

forgotten, forsaken

no matter how hard i seek

I havee lost me

as the daylight bids its adieu

night engulfs me....

it bloody sucks...

I don't know how and what to describe my current mood anymore.... it just feels so overwhelmingly bad.... I want to just rant and rant and continue ranting till I finally run out of energy... exhausted to the core and die.....

it's negative... it's bad.... it's dark... it's confusing.... and it's me....
that's who I am and what I am.....

I am not trying to complain... nor am I trying to whine and all.... I just can't take these ups and downs gracefully anymore... not that I have been taking it much anyway.... but still.....
I feel as if I am being pushed to the edge of no return again.... which do I trust now? my own feelings or evidence from before? can I really pull trough? can I really survive beyond this darkness that is blinding?

I am not suicidally depressed.... but I am not feeling ok either...... numb would be a good description hours ago.. but not now..... for I am feeling rage... rage at myself and at the world.... the world that I jsut can't understand.... the world that has let me down time and again... a world that I have not enough courage to leave....

why am I writting this? for help? for assisstance? tryin to see if there are any kind souls lurking around the neighbourhood who'll willingly lend a hand to the poor girl who has fallen deep into a pit.... they'll only do this for they don't know the fact that the pit is dug by me..... by the girl who they see struggling to get out...... the girl who they are tryin to help.....
and she can't... and they can't.... nobody can.....

it's been days....

we're all tryin hard...
in different things... to reach different goals
but trying hard nonetheless....

no one's "tryin hard" is any more effort compared to another... as each of us have different capabilities... different standards of which we judge ourselves and others.... so where lies the defining line? where lies the real truth?

it's been days since I last felt like writing..... or should I say felt like doing anything in particular.... no, don't get me wong... I wasn't depressed as like I used to be... no I wasn't....

I was just empty... just slowly slipping into the realm of nothing-ness.... or perhaps, it was more of giving in..... with open arms I welcome the decent into emptiness

when I was young, I always thought that the world of the grown ups is so cool... they have the freedom to do as they please.... no one to tell me "no".... no one to tell to "this " and "that"....
but, I was wrong....
I was so so wrong.....

the world of the adults is way beyong being cool.. it's nothing even near being cool....
it's cold instead..... it's brutal.... and it hurts to live in it.....

the freedom that I long for in my childhood years was but a dream made up from too much fairytales....
what is freedom without being free of ugly thoughts.....?
what is freedom when your mind is trapped....
when your soul is bound to pain and anger and hate?

it is then, I long to be a child again....
it is then, I missed being a child.....

I missed who I once was...
I missed me....

why?

i am in no mood for this.... why can't he just quite asking questions like this?
why can't he ust accept me as who i am.....?
I'm sorry not that I wanna shout or get angry... jsut that.. I am really in no mood for this....

I feel confused.... troubled... disturbed....
hate it so so much when he goes on and on about things that simply angers me.....

I fell in love with this song..

Artist:Il divo
Song:I Believe In You (Je Crois En Toi)
Album:Ancora

lonely

the path you have chosen

a restless road

no turning back

one day you

will find you light again

don't you know

don't let go

be strong

follow you heart

let you love lead through the darkness

back to a place you once knew

i believe, i believe, i believe

in you

follow your dreams

be yourself, an angel of kindness

there's nothing that you can not do

i believe, i believe, i believe

in you.

tout seul

tu t'en iras tout seul

coeur ouvert

a l'univers

poursuis ta quete

sans regarder derriere

n'attends pas

que le jour

se leve

suis ton etoile

va jusqu'ou ton reve t'emporte

un jour tu le toucheras

si tu croix si tu croix si tu croix

en toi

suis la lumiere

n'eneins pas la flamme que tu portes

au fonds de toi souviens-toi

que je croix que je croix que je croix

que je croix

en toi

someday i'll find you

someday you'll find me too

and when i hold you close

i'll know that is true

follow your heart

let you love lead through the darkness

back to a place you once knew

i believe, i believe, i believe in you

follow your dreams

be yourself, an angel of kindness

there's nothing that you can not do

i believe, i believe, i believe

in you.

am I depressed?

am I? am I feeling unwell? have I fallen once again into the depths of depression?
I have got no answers and i really have got no idea which is which anymore..
am I currently feeling better cos I really am improving or am I curently just in a state where by I am "absence" of emotions.. therfore "absence" of problems...?
which is which? where lies the dividing line between momentary sanity and real recovery?
will i even recovery to begin with? will I like who I am after all these stormy days of my life?
would i be able to get used to it since it's been so long since i last felt "normal"....

which is which and what is what?
i want help but am too afraid...
afraid of being labeled, of being look down upon...
fear I carry with me everywhere..
fear of people finding out..
fear of knowing even myself...
am I but a liar? pretender to my own feelings and feelings of others?
than what am i? who am I?
am I even worthy from thereafter of love?
am I even worthy of life?

too much questions...
too much questioning till I can find no answer...
till I can provide no more assurance that tommorrow will be different from the today that I know...
that days beyond this greyish sky beneath where I lie me down to sleep everynight, there is a sparkle of hope shinniing so bright...
hope that I will smile a tue smile.....
hope that I will one day live a day knowing I am trully loved not by rationality but by pure intuition.....
hope that I can one dady walk out of this monsoon season of feelings and emotions a better being than before..
hope that all the pain that I bear will turn into a blessing...
this is what i hope for... this is what I wish for...

but until then...
the crazy girl is still unsure....
she's still strolling along roads and pathways that she wonders if her memory is failing her...
she is but a girl....
as the ough winds continue to gush through her....
who wil be there to save her?

and I am her....