もう決めた！

今日から私、入院する！
早く元気になりますように！

それじゃ、また！

referring on...

saw a clinical psych specializing in self harm and BPD yesterday.

I'm pretty screwed up hey...

scared...

it wasn't a mistake...

I've always been so afraid of abandonment, of being pushed away by those few that I trust... but was I not the one pushing people away instead? I have indeed been selfish... for being who i was, for repeating something which I've vowed not to repeat...

I did it again...

yes, I can give all sorts of reasons saying that I was in such great deal of pain, that life seems so tiring and such... but then, didn't I hurt when Val left? didn't her premature departing left me wounded by a gash so big that it will take years and years to come in order ofr me to even achieve a sense of healing?

so how could I have thought of even doing it to my friends and all those that I so dearly love and care about?

perhaps this should keep me alive...

then again...

I've been stupid again...

riding the waves

been going up and down more often than usual rcently... the highs are happy days are bright and shinny but the darker ones are gloomy and depressing... and to make things worse... this fluctuation is getting more erratic, more and more unpredictable as time goes by...

the past two weeks were spent in rock bottom and guess what? was considered by the so called cisis proffesionals as attention seeking... does it mean that i would have to be found downing a month's supply of my medication, considering i am taking an average of 5 pills a day, to be taken seriously, to be not seen as making things up? i so hate the labels and pigeon-holling of mental disorders!

perhaps i should be a mental health advocate sometime in the future....

been pondering a lot about what's gonna happen to me in six months' time recently... pondering a little too much i would actually say...

which path should i take? what choice should I make?
it's all so muddled up.. it's all so confusing!!

yet then again, that's life...

in about another week's time, it'll be two months since Val left... her friends are coming together to raise funds for the Malaysian Mental Health Association (MMHA) though this year's blogathon blogging in the blog "Walk On By"....

while it's a really great gesture on their part and on all those who will be donating, it's really a shame that such a tragedy had to happen to jumpstart a donation drive for MMHA...

I missed Val...

I guess, even though it's been almost two months, I am still seeking closure...
perhaps I really should be writing a letter to her...

I really don't understand...
yet at the same time, I could almost feel her pain...
the demons within us... as Edrei always calls our inner turmoil...

one more day....

tomorrow's the day where I'll find out what lies ahead for me in terms of my emotional wellbeing and treatment. maybe i am simply reading too much into what C said last week, but then, it would be a lie to say that I am not frightened by it. then again, somewhere deep inside, i also realised that there is a small sigh of relief as this time around, perhaps everything will finally make sense.... perhaps a diagnosis is not such a bad thing afterall....

it's been years now hasn't it?
since the first time i ever felt suicidal.... 10 years to be exact...
and i've come a long way... and i should be proud of myself for hanging on....

even though sometimes, it's just so so hard...

Looking Ahead

What the future holds for me, I don't know...
But what I know is that I can only look ahead...

sometimes, it's so tiring to just move forward, not knowing where the next turn in life will lead... yes, there is excitement, yes, there are a lot of possible good things to look forward to, but then, where lies uncertainty, there lies next to it fear... and it's this fear that I am experiencing now... and it is also this fear that I fear...

time flies, it's been 2 and a half years since i first landed in Melbourne to study... a journeying that has been tough yet enjoyable... infact, a really blessed journey I would say... to be able to meet all these wonderful people that has cheered me on even in my darkest of times.... Angels sent by God they were... how can i ever repay them for helping me stay alive when I was desperately trying to not live?

remebering Val... wondering if the closure to her short life would be different if she had angels like mine? perhaps it would... that's what everyone tell me and therefore I am considered really lucky... then again,

I cry still for a life lost... a life so full of potential that the only person who failed to see it is the person who owned it....
I cry still for a friend who had to suffer even during her last breath....
I cry yet for a friend who had to hurt so much that she had to take her own life...

suicide is never a private nor confidential issue....
it is always public for it affects more people than you expect it would....

you know how sometimes you just feel so proud of yourself?
well, am currently in that mood recently...

though a lot has been happening, all at the same time, admist all the tears I've shed and all the frustrations that I've felt, I've been keeping it together quit well this semester... and even people who knows me felt this way too and it's making me feel more confident in myself...

this maturing, this being more optimistic, this ability to hold on to reality and not loose myself to insanity, this ability to "fight back" and hang on... it's amazing, though part of me can't help but wonder, is this what it means to be getting better? that these things are going to be permanent one day or are these all but temporary feelings that I have now?

I know no one can answer them and I've been told to enjoy them while I can, but then... I jsut can't help it but wonder..

Life of a person afflicted by a mental illness is not easy...
I'm just sorry for all who has to put up with me and my craziness....

as funny as it sounds, I guess I no longer hate or resent the fact that I have to suffer, cos due to this, I've found my pathway in life, it has led me to study psychology, it has enhance my abilities to be empathetic and understanding for I have the oppurtunity to walk in the shoes of those who are suffering the same predicament as I am... and this allows me to identify with others' feelings at a level only those of the same kind will ever comprehend

besides, due to this, I've met many angels that has brightened my days, kept me alive, love and care about me... it has given me back what has been taken away from me when my family shattered. in fact, it has given me more than i feel i deserve...

through this, I've learnt to love and be loved, to care and be cared for, to graciously and humbly receive when I need help, to generously give when I am able to, a deep understanding of emotions, I've learnt to be congruent and genuine and face up to even issues that I rather run away from... and finally, to accept that I am not perfect and will never be, but in the eyes of God, I am and I will love myself no matter what happens.

Impact

been having two very productive days studying for my upcoming counselling paper... ironic isn't it? I'm studying counselling yet I have also been a client for the past 8 years... Looking on the bright side, the concepts appears easier to understand through real life experience =)

I miss Val, I guess, it'll never be the same again... the impact of suicide... it cripples people... then again, it made me think... I mean, people will grieve for one week, one month, one year? then what? you hurt those who are the most beloved to you and yet for others, they one remember you as a part of the statistic of the many young people who took their own lives....

I don't want to be a statistic... neither do I wish to have anyone else I know be part of it anymore! It hurts, it really does... and so so very much!

Ripple effect

so it's said....

her passing caused a ripple effect among all who knew her... no matter how close or distant to her suffering our understanding permits us, none of us are spared of the pain of her dismiss....

maybe it's for the better, in her mind she minght be thinking so, as i so often think of it as myself... that this world will be better off without me... the hopelessness and helplessness that she felt must have been grave... and it pained me to know that a beautiful person fought with depression and lost....

i'm not going to start off with "if only" sentences that will no longer bear any meaning or be of any use as she is no longer here... but then agian, really....

if only she had held on longer...
if only she hadn't stop her medication...

yet, will any of this make any difference?
would it have made it better for her? would she not have had to suffer or suffer any less?

perhaps we are only asking all of these questions to comfort ourselves... for we have been wounded by her actions... yet we cannot hate her for doing what she did for we loved her too much... with anger, regrets, hatred, and love entwined, where does that leads us to but grief?

辛いですけど、現実です！
"it's painful, but it's reality!"

Right about now....

I'm.....

Picking up the pieces...

in denial...

when mom called and said that grandma is unconscious, I didn't want to know...
when she called again to said that she's had a stroke... I didn't wish to hear....
but when she called to tell me that grandma couldn't recognize anyone...

it is then the the floodgates were broken and everything was set loose....

somehow, part of me wish that i remain in denial... so that I will not have to face the pain...
then again, only time will tell and it shall be the ultimate determinant of whether i'll finally come face to face with my demons.. which i'll have to anyway...

there are just some things which one cannot run away from....

val's death...
part of me wishes to remain in denial...

i will never look at life the same again....

coffee at BSC

I guess, I'll never look at coffee breaks the same again...

why you did what you did, perhaps, just perhaps, I can understand... yet, no matter what reason it is, it's still not justifiable by the measure that you took... one that is for eternity...

I'm sorry I was asleep when you tried to reach out... or was it to say goodbye, I don't know... I can only speculate... but then... it must be hurting pretty badly for you my dear... and I shed tears for your pain....

these emotions flooding me, I can't hold back as tears stream down my face like two steady streams.... grief, they call it...

hope you're at a place where it's no more tears for you, only laughter and this time around, pure laughter that is not to mask your pain....

val, you'll be forever missed....

Goodbye and May you find the peace you deserve...

In loving Memory of Valerie Tay (1981-2007)

May she rest in peace now, free from all pain.....

so.. waht is it that you're saying?

that I am selfish? that all i do is take up people's time? I'm sorry if I am like that...
oh how I hate myself... just wanna find a dark spot, crawl in there and hide away for eternity!!!
and now you're gonna say that I am self centered and wallowing in the deepest depths of self pity...

i hate you, i hate life, i hate everything that surrounds it, that's in it....
I'm not going to go "woe" is me" or anything like that.. jsut that, just that I wonder if it'll be better if I am not around, if things will become better if I just don't exist anymore?

perhaps, jsut perhaps....
things might be a lot different....
perhaps, just perhaps...

I should go....

seems just like yesterday

when you left us...
not even a chance to say goodbye to you,
you look leave ever so silently, unexpectably

i miss you...
it's been 10 years now...

i feel happy....

and I'll enjoy this wonderful feeling as much as i can....

I thought he'll stop seeing me, stop treating me... felt that I was going to be abandoned for being too friendly... didn't even see it coming.... but then, in the end, it was only a reality check for him... nothing to do with me.... all for caring me more than as a patient, rather as a relative, a niece perhaps....

it's a nice feeling, yet it carries along it a subtle sense of sadness... nice to know I am cared for... but it's sad to also know that this "caring" would one day end.... and I would just have to accept it as reality in life and just relish in the fact that I was once cared for by a very very kind angel sent from above....

we went through the many possible "diagnoses" that have came my way... for the first time, it was plain talk, straight, direct and simple....

and i pulled through, survived it and came out smiling....

wallowing in self pity....

am I?

perhaps I really am...
am not sure anymore.

these thoughts are private... or so it seems... perhaps I do have it all writen across my face... the portrait of a emotion-filled being living in misery....

why is it that others who may have the same condition as me are able to live fufilling lives? is it me then who is the one who is not happy with what I have? am i really being ungrateful?
why is it that I feel that all joy had been sucked out of me... left me alone to await my untimely death?
why is it?

perhaps it is only me wallowing in self pity....
perhaps I really do despise being happy for I know not how... and am too afraid to set myself free of the only life I've known... though it's painful... it's still more familiar than a supposedly "happy" life which I know not how to live....

why is it so?

how much can a heart take?

the same heart, broken three times over three days...

how much more can it take before it eventually bleeds to death?

loosing the ones i love, whose times i've cherished sharing with...
loosing the promise that at one time i really did believed it to be real...
loosing the belief in myself that i've worked so hard in gaining over the many years spent in agony through lessons that were at times near emotionally abusive...

a dream that i've never dared to dream yet at one point was almost convinced of its reality...

I hate myself, despice this word... and I hope to die...

how much am i expected to take into this young heart of mine...?
now is just time and way....

stopping me? perhaps...
not worth it...

好痛，但我依然会忍耐……

他们都说，时间能够冲淡一切，这回受的伤，这回流过的泪，是否能够跟随时间的流逝，成为一个过去呢？应该可以吧……展开双手，让一切随着漂浮在空中的落叶变成一个回忆吧，一个爱过，也哭过的回忆吧！

你没离开我，这也许是不幸中的大幸……
每成敌人，依然还可成知心好友……
谢谢你……

这一切，我满足了……

让你受了伤，对不起……

ramblings

I feel like my moodswings are back. somedays it's so empty inside that I feel like I am floating above myself while somedays i feel so trapped, as if the house or any building for that matter is a small box that has imprisoned me in. I feel like screaming my lungs out, but i don't see the reasoning behind this.

if you're thinking if I have been quarelling with my mom, the answer is no. it's more like she's shouting but I am not getting anything registered as even her voice felt distant. I think you call it dissociation.

i am begining to start feeling like being on a emotional roller coaster all over again and it find the idea of self harm altogether tempting and exicting. am i addicted to pain? am i becoming more crazy than I already am? i feel like i am hurting alot. hurting so much deep inside, but these feelings are somehow playing hide and seek with me. appearing out of no where to grab my attention, only to fade back into the shadows when noticed and the whole thing repeats itself all over again.

my mind is full of things...

i'm scared...

i'm lonely...

i'm missing something inside....

it's getting harder and harder to hang on... but somehow, at the weirdest times, i manage to pull through...

nonsensical ramblings...

fear is creeping in...

is it really the fear? is this the meaning of loosing confidance or is this what normal people usually feel... what they would call "uncertainity"? perhaps I am jsut thinking too much... perhaps all these are but emotions that can be simply passed off as normal everyday feelings...

but then again... somehow, in a way somewhat terrifying, I sense not its familiarity....

I feel alien feeling like me... this current me... I have no knowledge of....

it's a sudden fear of "what if"s for my future... well, for this year at least... it's my finals this year and I really need to get the grades that will be my key to opening more doors leading down this path in psychology that i've so stubournly chosen as my set career... and the more I think of it, the lest confident I feel... the less confidence I found within myself, the more I am questioning my own capabilities, and now, my sanity....

what if all these worrying are nothing but part of my anxiety?

or worse...

what if the initial high self esteem and confidence was nothing but a mere exhibition of how cunningly deceiving my supposed "hypomania" can be?

my blessing and my curse....

time flies...

and we just have got to go along with it.....
some times it's tiring, being on this journey, but then again, think of all the smiles, the laughters, both the fun times and the sad moments, the tear jerking moments when hearts have been touched... that's what life is....

it's like seeing a movie... what I see in my head.... moving pictures of innocent children running around in a lovely spring time along the fine green pasture coloured in a amazing rainbow hue by wildflowers that so strongly grew in the fields....

i am having so much feelings at the moment that it's hard to discern one feeling from another....

thank you

Thank you very much for all that you’ve done. It’s real nice to have our conversation taking a different route for once… for once I wasn’t calling you, overwhelmed with feelings, needing you to calm me down, for once it’s not a one way thing, having you telling me stories, trying to cheer me up, for once we are sharing a nice laugh over things over the phone. It was a pleasant conversation. I feel blessed having known you. Dissolvable risperdal eh? Nice, perhaps I should get some… in case for rainy season…

You know, the one thing that you said to me over the phone today that really gave me a peace of mind was that you are sure that I am not 100% bipolar. You said that perhaps I may be some, a little, but definitely not totally. Besides, if I were, my medication would need to be much higher anyway. And that made me smile… for having a doctor who is not overly biological oriented. And the tale about the obsessive turning schizophrenic, that’s a good one... Just shows how psychiatry is still in its premature stage… But that’s life, isn’t it?

Yea, I guess you’re really right, I am really lucky having a really nice psychiatrist who’s not all into labeling and drugging people up on my side. I guess, looking on the bright side of things, yes, it’s a painful journey having to grow up with and perhaps live the rest of my life with a emotional condition, God I hate the word “mental illness”, but then, that’s what I have right? Have to be accepting of myself right? But then, despite all the tears from this journey, I have a great amount of joy as well, for I’ve been blessed by a great many friends who accept for who I am, not what I present myself to them as… I got to cross paths with many wonderful people in this soul healing trade that has kept me alive enough to appreciate them… those who scolded me and blackmailed me into accepting treatment, those who have been firm in getting me to accept the help that I so desperately need and those so gentle that any wound can be healed by just their words alone… I’m so very thankful for having them by my side, taking an interest in me, and not giving me up as a hopeless case even though on so many occasions, even I feel that I am a hopeless case myself and pitied those who had to work with me…

Yes, those were the times when I was down in the pits of depression, wondering if I should let go and unravel into the realms of insanity, wondering if that’s a better path, meeting madness head on and making friends with it… embracing it and merging with it for all I care, for it seemed so enticing, so tempting, to give up fighting for my life, to give up searching for that apparent faint streak of light at the end of the tunnel which I have never once caught glimpse of. Silent screams and racing thoughts in my mind, day and night…

But it’s gone now… I am me now…

Funny… I guess, it is a blessing, though a really painful and hurtful one at that, to have a critique of a mom who wishes and assumes that everything is normal… perhaps ignorance really is bliss. And sometimes I really do wonder is she the one reason I am still in touch with reality? For her act of ignoring my pain and suffering, her denial of anything psychiatrically wrong with me had in a sickly way done me some good by preventing me from falling into the trap of playing the sick role for the rest of my life…

bipolar? for real?

Went to see the psychiatrist today for the final time due to financial constraints and the inability for mom to accept the possibility that her only daughter is mentally ill and requires psychiatric treatment. Before I left, I asked him the question about what is wrong with me, my diagnosis that is and waited for the answer that I both dreaded and so wanted to hear. Everything fell silent for that split second when those words were uttered. He told me that it is certain that I do have a mood disorder, the question is that do I have bipolar disorder or not. And he answered yes.

And I guess, I really don’t know if I should be smiling a sigh of relief for having someone confirm the one thing that have been questioned by a few other professionals, or should I start crying tears to soften the impact upon realizing that I have an illness that’s chronic, a mental illness that will haunt me for the rest of my life if not controlled by medication. And so many other emotions came at me.

I mean, should I really trust his guy? He seems nice and funny, but can I really trust him to summarize all my pain and anguish, practically my whole life into two simple words “bipolar disorder”? this guy who have only seen me twice in my life, who barely knows me for my personality, my characteristic, the me that my friends see, the me when happy and sad, when angry and pleasant? Is his opinion really final? What about Dr. Chong’s? the one that was there for me when I was down, the one who had received my phone calls late at night, when he is busy minding other patients, the one who called me to see how I am, when he is not even charging me a single cent? Who should I listen?

Sigh…..

is it finally over? hope so...

there is so much to write and there is fear that if I don't write fast enough, I will forget.. but these are all such nice thoughts...nice thoughts that will go to waste if forgotten... nice memories that will loose its marks if not recorded....

YL asked if I would just write a short paragraph on how I got his book and what I felt after reading it to be included into its fourth print... wow... fourth print already... am really happy for him... am even more happy to be given this chance, this opportunity... yea, I will work on it... I will work hard on it... besides, it has provided me something to work on until the end of this holiday... perhaps things are finally looking up...

hmm.... been on the seroquel for almost a week now and am feeling great... perhaps it's all over now... am feeling light hearted and I wish I can fly... soar like the birds in the sky... to be free of the grasp of deep depression...to be born new... to face each day with a smile on my face....

ha ha...

she's at it again...

you're useless, worthless...
no matter what you do, it's of no use... not
worth anyone's love...
you're calculative and selfish... you're doing all
these to me

yea... I am doing all these to her.. yea, I'm the bad guy here... of course... how stupid can i be? I'm always the one doing all the wrong things in life with the sole purpose of making her life miserable... ever thought that it has been perhaps working the other way around?

I know I shouldn't be angry at her, instead, be thankful that she's raising me... but then again, if I were to not at least divert part of my anger at her, the fiery flames of my rage would have most probably burnt myself to death some many years ago... yet, alongside anger at her comes guilt... guilt that I am a child anything but perfect... a child who is only hurting those that she ought to never hurt at all....

and all this child knows now is to cry....

help me...

I'm starting to feel disconnected form reality again.... my head is spinning and it's becoming more and more blurry... life that is... I don't know what i want.. jsut that i am feeling so far away... as if I am floating somewhere, viewing life from a third person's perspective... it's uncomfortable.. this feeling...

I need to feel... I need to touch and feel my own existance... to know that I am alive... I need to know that I am breathing and well.... I need to bleed and feel the pain that is all so comforting... I need an outlet for this unfeeling numbness that is all too overwhelming....

I'm not asking too much am i? I am only asking to be well and okay... I am only asking to be functional... to be free from overwhelming emotions that are driving me insane.... to be free from a life of numbness that is never ending....

this life, my life, a life that I've know so well overtime... yet is a life that I know nothing of... it's mine yet not mine to own for i have no control of what i feel... what then is the meaning of living when i can't feel? yet, at the same time, what is the meaning of living when i live each day hoping it's the last?

thinking.....

spoke to a psychiatrist last weekend finally... it wasn't really a pretty sight at the clinic.... it was so overcrowded that I felt I was going to either suffocate someone out of anxiety or end up suffocating myself.... perhaps I am just simply over reacting... perhaps it's just my anxiety acting out again.... perhaps i just don't know anything much anymore....

he's suggesting that it's most likely not just simply anxiety alone... perhaps it's something more... it scares me... scares me to hear another person asking the same thing over the course of two years.... it scares me to find myself start wondering what if he's right? scares the hell out of me to look at the whole picture of my problem being bigger than it already is.... scares me that if he's right, I might end up like JN....

spoke to C this morning and I guess, thank God for him... he understands and somehow has the ability to make things seem more manageable.... asked him why he asked about the manic depression thingy two years ago and he said that partially it was part of the standard questions to ask and as well as I was hyper then.... was I? I really can't remember much... yes, I remember the racing thoughts and the agitation and all.... but other than that, I really do realised that most of my life have been a blur....

it's as if I've never really woken up from my sleep.... as if all these while I've been living in a fog so thick that no light can penetrate and shine through....

sigh.... perhaps I am jsut simply thinking too much....
then again.... with how things are, how can i not think?