conversation between me and myself...

1: let's talk about dad...
2: what about him?
1: what do you think of him? you know... him being near non-existant in your life?
2: hmm... nothing much really... can't recall much of him... besides, it's been so many years... can we talk about something else?
1: so what if it's been years? why don't you wanna talk about him? you're always changing the topic when we talk about him...
2: well, it's nothing really about him.... he was irresponsible, didn't pay for my fees, blah blah blah... you know, the usual... just like any father character in messed up families... really...
1: you sound so, un-bothered..
2: cos I am!
1: you sure about that?
2: yea..... it's been years since the last time I saw him... don't even remember how he looks like... why do I want to bother myself with someone who was never present?
1: you sound angry... do you hate him? or are you angry at him?
2: erm, not really... why?
1: you sure you're not angry or anything?
2: should I be? being angry and all takes up so much energy... it's not worth my trouble... like I say, it's been a long long time... does it even matter? besides, I've moved on.... I've forgotten about him...
1: or is it that you don't want to remember?
2: I really can't recall... besides, there is no point in recalling anyway... why dwell in the past...? isn't that what I've been taught? that I should move on? that I shouldn't be lingering in the past and drown myself with 'woe is me's?
1: yea, it's true that you should move on... but aren't you missing something here? you're moving on without actually letting go...
2: huh?
1: while it's good that you're not dwelling in the past, you are not really out of it yet.... the past still haunts you.... that's why you don't want to talk about your dad... you don't feel comfortable... it hurts....
2: don't try and pretend that you know everything....
1: true, I don't know everything, but hey, at least I know something... and that is that you are hurting yet not admitting..... and you don't even realise that yet...
2: I am fine, not hurting or anything.... see, I am functioning...
1: are you really? then what is it all about during times when you are overwhelmed? during times when you don't feel real? isn't that too much emotions and too little?
2: what has that gotta do with my past and not wanting to talk about dad?
1: well, it has everything... you don't wanna feel anger and hatred cos you don't want to be reminded of him... cos feeling takes up too much energy and it hurts, you shut yourself off from feeling completely... rendering you incapable of handling your own emotions....
2: so? what is knowing that gotta change? my life is still pretty messed up... besides, it's easier not to be angry...
1: then, the next question is that are you really not angry?
2: what do you mean? you see me gettin angry?
1: that's the problem... you don't get angry at all... you may burst out with rage once a while... but that's when you're in a really bad mood... when your anger is not rationalised.... you are a stranger to anger even when in right times... that's cos you can't feel... you don't want to feel... you're like a void... or rather... as it hurts too much, you've chosed to become a void...
2: this is ridiculous! I despise being empty above all things... yet you say that it's my choice?
1: yes, it is... sub-consciously... don't you find yourself often thinking... especially when you are having one of your racy thoughts moments?... that feeling nothing is better than feeling everything? isn't that what you've always wanted in those times?
2: hmm...
1: that's your safety net you see... you use your ability to not feel to protect yourself from harm... you're so accustomed to the emptiness that it's now part of you... you stopped feeling....
2: sigh... that's because it hurts.....
1: yes, it hurts, but it's also you... it's also the truth... it's reality.... to not feel is to not live... there is no such a thing as unfeeling....
2: but being angry is such a hassle.... you'll make people mad and ruin people's day.... people might not like you anymore... then they'll leave you....
1: yes, they days might be ruined.. but how about the days of the people that they've ruined? besides... having a lot of people around does not mean that you have a lot of friends... it's having the right people around that is important....
2: but if i do onto them what bad they have done to others, it'll jsut be a cycle, a viscious cycle...
1: no, by stopping them from doing what they were, that's breaking the cycle...
2: but i'll have to be angry....
1: you scared of being angry? or is it being abandoned and not being agreed with that you are scared of?
2: I... I....

to be continued.... I shall think now....