time flies....

Time flies….. It’s been almost a year since I touched down in Melbourne….. Seemed just like yesterday when mom finally decided to let me take this course…. A lot of things have happened, a lot of changes have been made…. For both good and bad…..

From being hurt to starting to heal….
From desperately trying to find out what’s wrong to accepting that certain things just can’t be changed…..
From being a little girl who knows nothing to someone who is able to take care of herself….
Yes a lot have changed….
So so much indeed….

Exams are near… next week actually…..

For the first time after so so long… I am actually not feeling so panicky and nervous till I drive myself nuts and to the verge of having a nervous breakdown….
It has also been such a long time since I last wake up in the morning and feel like life sometimes is worth living… and that there is really such a thing called “HOPE” in this world…. Felt just like yesterday when I first started to despise life and everything in it…..

But then, here comes the million dollar question…. Does this means that I am cured? Does this means that I am well again? That I have recovered?

Unfortunately… I guess this is a question that no one… I repeat, no one can answer for me… not I , not my doctors… not my counsellors or whoever else that may cross my path in life…. This is something that I just have to live with I guess…. Perhaps, this is what makes me ME…. Thing is, I don’t even know if this bout of feeling good and functioning is really me or is it the cocktail of psychotropic meds of mine talking…. Am I the boss or am I not? What will happen when I go off them? Will I sink back into the valley of despair once again? If I do, will I be able to survive another episode of it? I don’t know….. It scares me by just thinking of it…..

My thoughts are running wild again… and my head is still spinning….. But I am not complaining… it’s really good that I can function now…. It’s really good too that I am not having another breakdown…. But then, it makes me wonder… what exactly is life without any emotions? What is life without knowledge of who you really are? It really saddens me to know that even though I am considerably not really severe a case and I have to live life this way… how about those who are in worse off position that I? What is their life like?

Society… mankind…. Why can’t people just accept people like us for who we are? I didn’t ask for this… yet you think I did and run away….

It’s not fair that if I have a broken leg, I can easily tell mom about it…. But the fact that I am on psych meds, I cannot and must not utter a single word to mom…. I need support and acceptance…. From her… from my family…. But yet I can’t and I know too well that even if I try, I wouldn’t get it either….. Is it really that hard to accept that your daughter has a mental illness and requires medication to stabilize her? Is it so hard to accept that fact? Why you can accept that Zoë cannot take sweet things, uncle needs insulin…. So on and on…. But can’t accept that I need psych meds….. I am not crazy…. I am just not feeling well… that’s all…. Seeing a psychiatrist is just the same as seeing a dermatologist or neurologist….. They are all specialists…. Just that they have interest in different fields……

I really have no idea about what am I babbling about here…… I don’t feel I make much sense… I just need to rant….. I am not feeling depressed… even though I can’t say that I am feeling good or cheerful or happy either….. These words just never seemed to make their appearances in my dictionary…..

I’m tired….
I feel like stoping time right now… so that I can take a rest…..

Am I really that self centred? I really wonder… all I know is that I just came to the realisation that there is so so much that I don’t know of myself…. So much that I wasn’t aware of it even happening in my life….. Even those that I was supposedly the main cause of the squabbles happening….. Did I really changed that much for the passed two years? Was I really that scary a person to be with? I don’t know…. I didn’t know….. Perhaps C needs to know all of what Y told me last night….. Perhaps…. Just perhaps the reason being that epilim is working may be because that should be the first choice of medication for me all along… perhaps what I had all these while was never that simple…. Perhaps it just cause I am still functioning in day to day life even though I was mean and scary, that’s why the darker side of my “illness” has been masked and went undetected for so long…..

Somehow, everything seems to make more sense now….. The puzzle seems to finally fit into one another….. After so many years of agonising search for the cause of my displeasure against life……

Need to try an accept things from now…. Need to pick up the pieces….. Need to be strong….. Need to falter not in this journey of mine to succeed….. It’s the only way that I can prove my worth to my dad whom I have no idea of his whereabouts….. Not even sure if I miss him, love him; hate him or what…… it’s all jumbled up….. Perhaps I don’t really need to ask of these questions….. Perhaps time will let me know….. But then, it just doesn’t stop me from trying to reason out my emotions….. I really need to work through them….. I really need to…..

Working through the crap may not necessary be the best way… but right now it seems like the only way to get out of this mess…..