I don't know what has gotten into me... maybe I am just plain depressed... maybe I am crazy... who knows? or perhaps I am just an emotionally unstable little girl who is driving herself mad.... perhaps...
I just feel like crying these days... I just feel like sinking so deep into this emotional whirlpool that I can't find myself no more... for I am finding it hard to find joy in things that were once such a great part of me... things which signified my living.... things which are now gone... dissappeared... and as usual, I am left behind... time and again... certain things just don't change do they? once an actor, forever an actor... once left behind, forever you won't be any near to catching up...
how do you tell those you love that you feel so srongly your emotions that you wished that you can just close your eyes and fade away to infinity? how can I say this out? how can I even confide in anyone lest I push people away again? for which pushing someone away once is more than anyone needs to affirm myself that it's not worth it... it's really not worth sharing... as I slowly came to realise that sharing is not always caring... distance may perhaps be the nearest you can get to the other person in certain times.... something I realised just far too late... so much so that I can't revert the harm done... that I can't mend the broken vase....
I hate me.... I hate me.... I don't know what else to say... I can't do no right.... I just can't... I am failing in my assignments.... it's all way past it's duedates and yet I can't seem to be able to finish it... I feel so so darn down that part of me hopes to die...
sometimes, carrying on, fighting for survival... is so much harder that just to gather the courage for that split of a second when you stop the world with the pressure you put onto the blade that is neatly slicing you forearms... severing the veins that carries your juice of live... crying crimson tears as you slowly float away... slowly, silently, gradualy....
and then, what's left is just a number... a number on your toe as you lay in the morgue, a number refering to you on your death certificate... a number marking your subtle existance in the statistical charts... that is, if you even is worth that much that you make it into being a "research participant"...
help me... anyone.... please...
don't help me... leave me alone...
I wanna get out.. I want to survive and go beyond surviving...
get your hands off me... mind your own freaking business...! let me rot and die...
I am worth so much more.... I am doing something I want, I don't wanna loose... I don't wanna give in...
kepp dreaming my girl.. keep dreaming... and better enjoy it while you're at it cause dreams don't ever come true...
I hate me!
I wanna love me...
I am confused...
I am confusing myself...
I wanna die.....
but I want to live as well....
I don't want to hurt anyone... I don't wanna get hurt either... I don't want people to read or learn about these feelings... but I want someone to pull me out, drag me by my hands and legs if have to... as long as drag me and get the hell out of here....
yet... part of me wants to see how far can I go....
but I too know that goin that far would hurt...
and I don't wanna hurt...
I don't know what am I thinking nor have I any idea of what I am typing here... I am not thinking... but feelings seemed to be puoring out of me like a broken dam... and I am goin round in circles... repeating myself again and again, dweling upon the same issues over and over again... please, someone... anyone... help me... I am loosing my mind... or have I lost it already? I don't remember... I can't remember....
perhaps I really do need a mood stabilizer... perhaps I really need to go back to M'sia... perhaps I really should have just died and do it right when I had the chance to last year.... perhaps I shouldn't be so darn frickle minded....
perhaps I shouldn't have ever existed...
I wanna cry but I feel exhausted... as if tears have been dried up....
I need extra time... I feel embarasss to even think about it...
all I know is that it's no one's freaking fault that I am such a mess... no one but mine's.....
I need to take rsponsibility over my actions have I now... I have to... I know it...
life sucks....
and I can't function.....
I am falling deeper and deeper... so much so that I have never been before...
should I let go and give up?
should I stay strong headedly?
I don't know....
all I know is that I want to work out my shit... I want to get beeter... but I am fighting a loosing battle....
I want to write my assignments... but I can't...
I can't think straight... I can't....
I am not trying to be negative... it's just that the truth is that I just can't function.....
I feel dead.....
yes yes yes I know you might be thinkin that I am just some senseless 19 year old who knows nothing but bed of roses and is procastinating... and I can't "function" cos of the usual youngster's angst... mind you... oh how I wish it's just that simple... that it's all just a "phase" as how the adults like to put it... that I will grow out of it... bla bla bla... yup.. I know I focused a lot about myself and not anything else... so now you're gonna brand me to be some self centred narcisstic bitch who just can't stop bitching around over non sensical things about trivial matters of her life? think again my friend... think again.... I am not saying that I am the most unluckiest person on planet Earth... that's not what I am saying... neither am I tryin to claim the position of the girl who is supposed to be pitied bla bla bla.... no... NO , I repeat... all I am saying is that spend one day in my shoes and then we'll talk....
sigh...
who am I talking to anyway? why am I angry and so darn worked up? I don't know...
as usual.... what am I feeling?
answer: errr.... hmm.... I... I... d...d...don't.. know....
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