I don't know why am I keep falling back into the depths of depression... I don't understand how a person can be chronically depressed and yet still functionable in a way that people don't acknowledge her pain as real.... I am not tryin to diagnos myself or put a label on myself.... it's just that I don't understand the pain... I don't understand the cause, neither do I understand the dynamics of it.....
all that I know of is that it comes and goes, it come and goes... leaving me never longer than a few months.... it's like my life long companion.... always by my side..... always playin truth or dare with me...... daring me to see how far I can go to eliminate the pain.... the inner turmoil....
I want to scream help... to ask for assistance.... btu I know just too well that there is no use.... medication can't help you that much.... it may help decrease the symptoms.... but it don't cure.... therapy works to a certain extend... you talk it out... youwaddle through the crap together....bla bla bla... but I guess one thing that a lot of people who are well don't realise is that there isn't such a thing call support.... there really isn't such a thing called assistance.... cause no matter how much others try to help... try to support.... prevent you from falling.... you may still fall... you may still be in pain..... in this journey... you just simply walk alone.... not that you want to push others away... jsut that... it is a must... a prerequisite prior to starting on this never ending journey of mental illnesses.....
thing is... that I am feeling way too much!!!!
i need a way, an outlet to fully express myself... a place where I can say whatever that I want to say without being afraid.... afraid that people may think that I am screwed in the head or that I need immediate medical intervention lest my thoughts of self harming are indeed suicidal ideations..... sometimes it jsut feels like such a thing called "privacy" doesn't exist at all... makes me wonder... is it really absent right from the start or has it ceased to exist with the passing of time..... I don't know... I really don't......
I don't know a lot of things in this world... this life....
I don't know me....
was thinking.... before I wrote this.... how does it feel like pushing the limits... to have a game, a bet between life and death.... to knock on death's door and see if anyone's home to answer my self invitation into death's sweet abode. sounds interesting... to go that far.... don't know how it looks like or feel like... dare I take chances, knowing that people who hath taken this path never return? dare I take chances just to satisfy my curiosity of life without agony and suffering..... a.k.a life when you're not living.....
it's been months since I last think straight.... dammn you auntie.... if you have not wrote that stupid letter and treated me in that way, perhaps I wouldn't have broken down in the first place.... mom, you are partially to be blamed as well.. if you had not convinced me to stay with her... none of these would have happened..... none of this... so what that I do have a predisposition towards being depressed? so what if my levels of anxiety have always been way above normal.... so what? it was the trigger that set my bells ringing.... that had jumpstarted my journey into madness..... it was a trigger.... I was coping well.... I thought that my last episod back home was the final.... I thought that the curtain had been drawn... the finale presented... before I came here.....
but no... hell no..... my journey into the neverending world of insanity has just begun... with the silent music that my bleeding heart beautifully sings, and the silent tale that replays itself while my mind goes on a non-stop screeching spree...... the pain.. the pain unseen, unheard yet so real and like a fire burning my heart and soul.... engraving it's innitials so mark it's existance in my existace, however longer that may or may not be.......
No comments:
Post a Comment