I am sad....

I feel disappinted, let down upon... I just feel so so terrible at this very moment that I feel like tearing myself up... feel like disappearing into thin air... and yet.. all these ramblings is one that I cannot share... soemthing that I can't and must not share with anyone... especially not those who I am supposed to report everything to.... yea right... as if I am goin to confide in you all... tell you all of my heartache and risk having you all freaking up and locking me away... like helll I am going to tell...

sigh... but I guess getting angry at ppl wouldn't help, would it? I guess, not a single bit... just makes me even more disappointed... sigh... why is everything so darn complicated??

collapsed in class during my presentation in front of everyone that day... during chinese class... so so embarassing... and I am still relatively angry with it.... yes, many days hath passed.... but what makes you think or let alone assume that I can jsut accept whatever reasons thrown at me? I don't understand... I can find no trigger.... it's only my own stupid self to blame... no one else... just me....

I feel dissapointed... when S.G. was filling up my OSHC form... the one to claim for C's AUD800+ bill.... it sucks not being able to even support my own health... it hurts as well... especially when someone I had grown close to and trust takes me as someone who seeks attention.... yes, I do bear grudges... yes, I don't easily forget.... so what? I am angry, hurt and sad!!! I really couldn't care less now even if the whole world thinks I am a super self-centred snob or B**** or whatever.... all I know now is that I am about to burst! I feel hurt beyond words...

R, where on Earth are you? what is happening between both of us? what went wrong? why are you not talking to me anymore...? why are you not even willing toanswer my questions...? am I that dispisable? do you hate me so? if yes, then why? if no, then why? I don't understand... and just because I didn't probe further doen't mean that I care anyless.... just becasue I pretend that everything is fine doesn't mean that you can take me for a joy ride as well.... who was the one who told me not to spend so much time in so and so's room cos I already have a boyfriend? have you forgotten? and guess what? look who's spending every waking minute in the same person's room... yea yea yea... you and that person are good friends.... yea yea yea... you feel comfortable with that persone.... yea yea.... you both are in the same course therefore you will study together...... and yes.... you don't feel comfortable with me and H.... but hey, don't you have someone as well back home?

I am not tryin to be jealous, cos I am not... I just want to know what on Earth happened? if the sky fell on you, for goodness sake, tell me... if you're staying away fro me cos I am presumely "manic depressive" or whatever crap that you or anyone whishes to address it as, by all means, tell me.... even if you hate me so... TELL ME!!! I rather know how much you dispise me than to allow myself the time and will to conjure up some explanation to explain away your staying away....

sigh....

I am sad... I repeat... I feel so low that part of me is threatening to merge with the ground... and part of me is also picturing myself diggin a good six feet into the good soil and going deeper still... I know I may be incoherant, or even crazy... but that don't mean that I have no emotions... as much as I had it, I feel too....!

life: I hate you!!!!!!!!!!