It hasn't even been a week and things are already getting to become how it used to be before I left.... perhaps, on second thought, I shouldn'y have wanted so desperately to come home.... if only I could foresee this coming before I board the plane to come home.....
if only....
what is a holiday when I am actually more stressed out and busy then when I am occupied with my uni work? what sort of a holiday is this? I truly wonder.....
took back the Epilim last night..... jsut couldn't stand her no more.... I just couldn't take it any longer.... I am collapsing.... please, anyone... someone, please catch me.... I am falling and am falling real fast....
I really really don't wish to relapse again.... I don't wanna fall back into that deep darkness of depression.... neither do I wish to once again venture into the land of the insane.... I don't want....!!! It has taken me many tears and pain to get to where I am now and I am not about to willingly give it up yet..... but then again, I am so not sure how much longer can I actually hold on like this.....
will I even be able to survive till I return? or will I return to my tiny little space in Melbourne that feels more like home than this house full of people who were called my friends and relatives, once agian in pieces and needing C and J to pick me up and glue me back together?
I really had enough of these ... all of these... I jsut can't understand... i just can't comprehend.....
it's currently 4.01 am Malaysian time and yet I don't feel sleepy at all.... I jsut feel like vanishing from the surface of the earth.... i am jsut feeling so darn presured by my own surroundings.....
coming back.... it's good to be home... but I guess if given a choice to choose again, perhaps I would more likely choose to remain there by myself... find a job... whatever... than to come back and endanger myself with her never ending criticisms.....
perhaps it's just a big stupid mistake.....
but I do know that when I wake up next morning.... this is not one nightmare that would just cease to exist in my memory....
for I know that the store house of memory is so huge that nothing gets lost.... and that things just gets put into their respective places and will be retrieved when needed.....
therefore.... I can't really forget....
no matter how much I would love to.....
no matter how much.....
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