saw C for my fortnightly appointment.... he never forgets, does he? he asked me about my cutting.... asked me why I am staying at the halls.... why? don't wanna remember....
is he tryin to coax me into facing it? but I fear.... so so much....!
am beging to feel like a medicine cabinet nowadays... last week, my dosage was in creased, this week, I am prescribed an additional type of medication.... apparently to help with my sleep and anxiety... apparently it's used as an anti-anxiety.... apparently my prescribed dosage is 1/20 of the theraputic dosage for psychosis... apparently it is relatively safe... apparently....
it's an anti- psychotic....
isn't that what I have been told by others I've seen regarding the drugs which I had been previously prescribed? that cipram is safe... it got me suicidal.... tranquilizers are safe... they gave me hallucinations.... what is safe?
told C the reason regarding why I wanted his diagnosis of me.... that I wanted something solid and valid that I can blame on... so as to created a based upon which I can build my courage and strenght in order to stop running, instead to embrace life and walk towards acceptance of myself...
he said that I have adjustment disorder.... hope he is right.... hope that it really is that simple.... hope I wouldn't be hurt.... hope I will not fear...
I am my worse critique after all.....
gave C the drawing/writing that I made the night before.... it was through pure randomization without giving whatever that I wrote any additional thoughts.... it was a letter, a drawing... made by my heart... for myself...
it is the evidence of my emotions....
sigh....
I am officially jobless once more.... benjamin... bridget... good luck and take care..... most likely you wouldn't even remember me the next time we meet... that is if we ever do meet again.... sigh.... i guess, just have to let go....
it's 5.29am now and I am just too anxious to sleep.... just finished watching the anime that I had randomly downloaded two days ago... tired and tensed... but also warm and inspired....
To my dad,
where are you? I realised that I am gradually forgetting how you looked like....
To my mom,
I love you.... don't need to try to heart... just need to try whole-heartedly....
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