Looking Ahead

What the future holds for me, I don't know...
But what I know is that I can only look ahead...

sometimes, it's so tiring to just move forward, not knowing where the next turn in life will lead... yes, there is excitement, yes, there are a lot of possible good things to look forward to, but then, where lies uncertainty, there lies next to it fear... and it's this fear that I am experiencing now... and it is also this fear that I fear...

time flies, it's been 2 and a half years since i first landed in Melbourne to study... a journeying that has been tough yet enjoyable... infact, a really blessed journey I would say... to be able to meet all these wonderful people that has cheered me on even in my darkest of times.... Angels sent by God they were... how can i ever repay them for helping me stay alive when I was desperately trying to not live?

remebering Val... wondering if the closure to her short life would be different if she had angels like mine? perhaps it would... that's what everyone tell me and therefore I am considered really lucky... then again,

I cry still for a life lost... a life so full of potential that the only person who failed to see it is the person who owned it....
I cry still for a friend who had to suffer even during her last breath....
I cry yet for a friend who had to hurt so much that she had to take her own life...

suicide is never a private nor confidential issue....
it is always public for it affects more people than you expect it would....

you know how sometimes you just feel so proud of yourself?
well, am currently in that mood recently...

though a lot has been happening, all at the same time, admist all the tears I've shed and all the frustrations that I've felt, I've been keeping it together quit well this semester... and even people who knows me felt this way too and it's making me feel more confident in myself...

this maturing, this being more optimistic, this ability to hold on to reality and not loose myself to insanity, this ability to "fight back" and hang on... it's amazing, though part of me can't help but wonder, is this what it means to be getting better? that these things are going to be permanent one day or are these all but temporary feelings that I have now?

I know no one can answer them and I've been told to enjoy them while I can, but then... I jsut can't help it but wonder..

Life of a person afflicted by a mental illness is not easy...
I'm just sorry for all who has to put up with me and my craziness....

as funny as it sounds, I guess I no longer hate or resent the fact that I have to suffer, cos due to this, I've found my pathway in life, it has led me to study psychology, it has enhance my abilities to be empathetic and understanding for I have the oppurtunity to walk in the shoes of those who are suffering the same predicament as I am... and this allows me to identify with others' feelings at a level only those of the same kind will ever comprehend

besides, due to this, I've met many angels that has brightened my days, kept me alive, love and care about me... it has given me back what has been taken away from me when my family shattered. in fact, it has given me more than i feel i deserve...

through this, I've learnt to love and be loved, to care and be cared for, to graciously and humbly receive when I need help, to generously give when I am able to, a deep understanding of emotions, I've learnt to be congruent and genuine and face up to even issues that I rather run away from... and finally, to accept that I am not perfect and will never be, but in the eyes of God, I am and I will love myself no matter what happens.