bipolar? for real?

Went to see the psychiatrist today for the final time due to financial constraints and the inability for mom to accept the possibility that her only daughter is mentally ill and requires psychiatric treatment. Before I left, I asked him the question about what is wrong with me, my diagnosis that is and waited for the answer that I both dreaded and so wanted to hear. Everything fell silent for that split second when those words were uttered. He told me that it is certain that I do have a mood disorder, the question is that do I have bipolar disorder or not. And he answered yes.

And I guess, I really don’t know if I should be smiling a sigh of relief for having someone confirm the one thing that have been questioned by a few other professionals, or should I start crying tears to soften the impact upon realizing that I have an illness that’s chronic, a mental illness that will haunt me for the rest of my life if not controlled by medication. And so many other emotions came at me.

I mean, should I really trust his guy? He seems nice and funny, but can I really trust him to summarize all my pain and anguish, practically my whole life into two simple words “bipolar disorder”? this guy who have only seen me twice in my life, who barely knows me for my personality, my characteristic, the me that my friends see, the me when happy and sad, when angry and pleasant? Is his opinion really final? What about Dr. Chong’s? the one that was there for me when I was down, the one who had received my phone calls late at night, when he is busy minding other patients, the one who called me to see how I am, when he is not even charging me a single cent? Who should I listen?

Sigh…..