so many nights have gone by with either me not sleeping and up to some crazy wacky ideas like repositioning the furniture in my room in the wee hours of the morning or, to have me succumbing tot he power of my vicious cycle of racing thoughts and extreme feelings.
Life is not supposed to be this way, at least it was not what I envisioned it to be....
I've realised this... as I grow older, I grow more isolated from the world....
I've spent the last six months putting up more barriers than I actually need to... all for the sake of protecting myself from being hurt....
is it really worth it? building a fort that will eventually partition me from the world outside?
Yes, no one can hurt me then, but no one can help me then either....
but do I really want help?
I really don't know....
I'm feeling depressed.... falling fast....
but do I want to accept it? am I willing to accept it?
I really don't know.....
it's like, fat chance I won't even remember this feeling tommorow when I wake up, if I do sleep that is.... but the point is still that by night falls, I'll start seeing the world as to coming to an end again.... since it's gonna repeat itself.. the pain.. the maliscious feeling of sudden happiness that is so subtly teasing me in the day.....
how long more before I make my landing? or rather, how long more do I have till I finally crash?
it's not about self fufilling prophecy or anything.. it's about being experienced enough to know that good things always precede bad things... it's my life... it's what I've grown up knowing... and it's the fact... the cold hard fact of life slammed into my face....
I need time and space to digest my feelings....
I need to catch myself before I fall...
I need someone as well, who will catch me when I really do fall....
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