Abused?

J said that it was abuse.... but was I? unsure... am I suppressing my inner most feelings? am I cheating and lying to myself, trying to convince myself that nothin happen? or was it that there really was nothing happening that night? and those many nights before... when I can't do nothing but cry and cry.... in hopes that the tears will somehow wash away all that I would gladly disown as mine.... but I gueess things like this... thoughts and wishes like this will only be real in movies that make them real.... they can't be real in real life.... can it? can tears bring comfort? can tears wash away the pain? someone, anyone.... please, convince me.....

HW and all have been back home for quite sometime now... and S is out in the city while I can hardly tell WJ any serious stuff that is on my mind.... I am all alone.... me, myself... and my "temporary" room..... my home "kononnya". they say that the home is where the heart is... but, where is my heart? where?

maybe someone will call out :　忘れ物ですよ。この心わ誰のですか。
then perhaps then I would be able to call out :　はい、わたしのです。
~and retrive my long lost heart.....~ ha! I must be going crazy! or am I already crazy? that is why I am seeing Dr. C right.....

why did he push me? why? I can't remember or is it that I don't want to remember? then why the flashbacks? why come and bother me now? what have I done? why can the past be past and let me go? or is it me who is unwilling to let it go? is it me who is so tirelessly holding on to what little recollections that I have about my past and all in order to justify my being here? to affirm myself that I am real... that it is not a fantasy wolrd that I live in... but in fact is the real one... it's the real deal...

remember....

why was I locked in the bathroom? it was dark... so dark and scary... what was it that I had done? what? why sis he locked me in there? where is mommy? where is everyone? wait... did it happen or did I made it up? he off the lights.... why? it's the downstairs toilet.... next to the kitchen.... wait... is the scene from when I was still stayin from cheras or is this scene or rather memory a distorted version of what happened when I was 11 years ole? what happened that day.... mom... chasing me... overdosing.....

can't remember.....
amnesia....

mom scolded me on my birthday last year... or was it the year before? what on earth is happening to my memory? why are there missing pieces here and there? what is happening to me? who am I anyway.... having a name doesn't really gives you much assurance of who you are you know.... it's what you feel about yourself that can determine if you're real or fake , alive or dead..... right now, I feel dead.....

boredom kills....

they say that my mom was the best mom ever.... but I knew the truth.... the cold hard truth that people couldn't have figured out if I were to not tell them at all.... it was children's day.... CKS '94.... balloons... everywhere..... my mom helped set up the place.... she was wearing a baju kurung... she was the most beautiful mom ever.... the youngest among my other friends' moms.... and apparently the nicest "aunties" there.... mom helped decorate my class.... the last time help ever helped in any of my functions for that matter....

mom went away.... never returned...

she's cold.... so cold towards me... but yet I know... and I know just too well how fiery is her flame of undying love for me...

confusion, welcome to my sweet abode... with open arms I welcome you.... I hate you....

silence..... confusion... depression.....

okay?

Dr. C called me yesterday, just to ask how am I doin... funny.... perhaps he is much different than the others than I thought he is. perhaps, he is here for me as an angel... perhaps, chances are meant to be given... perhaps, it's okay to trust again.... perhaps....

last night, could not sleep again... CM had flew back home, so has EK.... this sunday will be HW and next will be A. seeing all of them leaving simply breaks me apart.... being reminded that I am different is bad enough.... knowing that I really wanna go home and yet have to pretend that I don't want to and be strong, it's worst...

falling behind time... psych test is on monday and I am not even half prepared... seems like everytime I try to be better, try to do my work... try to put i effort, I don't get anywhere... sigh...

broken butterfly

When wings forget how to fly
When dreams returned to the sky
I wish I could soar once again
Will hope free me from this pain?

Strangers I see as I stroll along
Days go by, I couldn’t be strong
Left alone wound up in a cell
Created by my heart, deep as the well

Across the seas I set my sail
To find a place where peace prevails
In crowds I wander, all alone
Or perhaps, it’s me myself, I fear to own.

Letter 3

Dear A,

haven't talk to you for quite a couple of days now huh.... suddenly, feels like I sorta miss you. but then, I am confused now, about what I truly think of you... you just feel so so distant... like I am floating high up in the clouds and you are down there on Earth.... or... is it the other way around? I'm confused....

sigh... if only I can feel me as like in me on the whole and not just part of me... are you the culprit? I wonder... I truly wonder... right down, deep down from the bottom of my heart I want to ask if you even know of my existance... I know, I am crapping again, but since when anything had ever made sense to begin with? correctto!! NEVER....! the answer is NEVER! not when I know you are hurtin, not when I am tryin to make it hurt less.....

I am angry...
I am frustrated...
I am hurt...
I am sad...
I need you...

I wanna be a child once again... even if it's just for a day...

a lot of thing's been happening lately... one day I was estatic, another I was so down that nothing seemed to go right... not that I ever had any hopes of it goin right to start with.... but then again, that's not my point... thing is... should I take up Dr. C's suggestions? kept me wondering ,days on ends.... mood swings.... it's keeping me apart from this whole reality of life... or perhaps, I was long out of it even before I started thinking about it? so long I've been out of my life that perhaps I don't even know if I am still alive or not....

J said that I should talk to you more... maybe... but it feels funny "talking" to you... but still perhaps, jsut perhaps, you can help set my thinking straight... ?sigh... or am I so lost that I am know even not sure if I am confused or not?

don't wanna talk to you...

makes me feel weirde....

sigh....

I need a friend...

I need a friend in you....

Love,
~B~

Stressed!

was so depressed for the past few days that even talking takes up so much of my energy, not that I had a lot to start with... went to brendon park with all of them for grocery shopping on saturday as usual and throughout the entire journey to and back I think the maximum number of words that came out of my mouth which are reasonably audibel is not more than ten I guess... so much for moodiness....

am I really bipolar or just plain depressed? I am begining to get really confused now... the reason being so is that if I am just plain depressed, then at least I know that in the morning when I am jumpy and all, there might be a slim chance that "that" is who I am beneath all these layers of "masks" tha tI put one everyday so as to fool everyone around me into believing that I am feeling okay... perhaps, the one person that I really wish and hoped that I can trully convince is perhaps lil' ole' me.... but, if I am bipolar, then most likely that the "hyper-me" that I experience during the day when I am with people is all but just another symptom of my "illness"... am I just ill or am I so screwed up that I can now be pronounced insane?I'm confused!

had a total of 3 panic attacks over the span of 2 days... can I even ask if I am severe? ok ok I know the answer... feeling so down and disappointed... why? why after so long it still came back? why? I don't understand... what can I do now to stop it? to revert the mode of my "illness" back to "remission"? it seems like an never ending story weaving it's path along this journey called life which is officially "owned" by me... not that I want it that much... but then.... sigh

made CM cry that day.... it hurts you know.. it hurts damn well when you see the person you care about cry because of you... not that you did something bad to them... but rather, it's because they see you hurting and they feel so helpless that all that they can do is cry.... CM don't deserve this.... she deserves to be happy always... so does HW and everyone else, everyone else that I snapped at.... I don't know......

我是如此的恨现在的自己。我究竟是谁，我已经不懂得该如何回答了。觉得自己有如一只迷失了方向的迷途羔羊。更觉得自己像个落地的天使，伤了翅膀、忘了如何飞翔。