it's been days....

we're all tryin hard...
in different things... to reach different goals
but trying hard nonetheless....

no one's "tryin hard" is any more effort compared to another... as each of us have different capabilities... different standards of which we judge ourselves and others.... so where lies the defining line? where lies the real truth?

it's been days since I last felt like writing..... or should I say felt like doing anything in particular.... no, don't get me wong... I wasn't depressed as like I used to be... no I wasn't....

I was just empty... just slowly slipping into the realm of nothing-ness.... or perhaps, it was more of giving in..... with open arms I welcome the decent into emptiness

when I was young, I always thought that the world of the grown ups is so cool... they have the freedom to do as they please.... no one to tell me "no".... no one to tell to "this " and "that"....
but, I was wrong....
I was so so wrong.....

the world of the adults is way beyong being cool.. it's nothing even near being cool....
it's cold instead..... it's brutal.... and it hurts to live in it.....

the freedom that I long for in my childhood years was but a dream made up from too much fairytales....
what is freedom without being free of ugly thoughts.....?
what is freedom when your mind is trapped....
when your soul is bound to pain and anger and hate?

it is then, I long to be a child again....
it is then, I missed being a child.....

I missed who I once was...
I missed me....