memories....

it's been many years, since the time I first started tuning into AiFm, then Radio 5....
during those many sleepless nights where loneliness was never far away, the same soothing music, the same comforting voice has walked me through tears, laughter, pain, anger.....

one step at a time, I've learnt....
take it slow, it's even okay to fall sometimes, it's part and parcel of this thing called life....

perhaps, I will never be able to meet the person whose voice has supported me for many years.... perhaps, fat chance is that he'll never even know it....
but then again, it won't stop the appreciation that I felt then and am feeling even now....
forever I shall be gratefull.... for keeping me alive then....

it feels weird, now, listening to the same soothing music in my own room, playing it over and over again how many times that I would want to... though I'm now thousands of miles away from home, though I can no longer hear his soothing voice over the radio during nights when I am crippled by my own emotions, barely being able to hang on in this soul- less shell of a body of mine, fighting through my depression, not for a long long time anyway.... I feel comforted.... I feel I'm home....

Back to a place which accepts me... for who I am, flaws and all....

I feel loved..... wanted.... not given up upon....
depression is bad, the pain is agonising.....
the misunderstanding that people carry with them....
the notion of trying your very best at "snapping out of it" yet you simply can't is insanity in itself.... yet, I am starting to not dispise the fact that though depression rules not my life... it is the greatest teacher that I have come to known throughout the entire course of being emotionally disabled, to put it crudely that way....

it's 6.25am, and yes, I haven't been asleep since last night....

what is new? this is definitely not....

but the feeling.... this feeling.... feels nice.... at peace....
I will not give up.... not for a long long time yet at least.....

the journey often seems tough, tiring, despairing....
but I guess, it's my calling to walk down the path that has been laid out for me....
I guess, courage is not to take your own life though it sometimes feels and seems the most logical decision, the best choice available....

Courage is to brave through the storms, sail through the tempest even though the odds simply seems too slim... even though you've been told that the word success will never apply to this situation....
Courage is to keep trying even if the chances seems bleak to begin with...
Courage is to not loose hope in the things that everyone else has given up on.....
Courage is to not fear failure, Courage is to live alongside fear, depression, hatred and all, yet thrive in living with it....
Courage is to give in all that you can, to your own limits....
Courage is to dare to dream, dare to hope, dare to heal....
Dare to live!