falling...

I feel as if I am falling again.... at a speed that though is not too fast, but is surely progressing in its acceleration.

I'm tired of this routine...
getting up, falling back down, get up again only to prepare myself for another fall....
what is it that has gone wrong? what is the trigger this time around? my mood swings are getting more and more frequent... it's getting harder and harder to deal with...
I don't want any intervention....
I don't need people to come tell me that something is wrong... heck, as if I don't know that already....
I don't need anyone to come coo-ing over me... mothering me... nursing me back to health cause it's just a waste of time.... why pick someone who will fall again up anyway? what is the whole point in my existance even?

is it because of her?

ok, fine, it was a stupid move to go to his room without thinking if she'll be there....
ok, I was caught up by my impulsivity again as i got more and more excited....
but still.... it's long enough already... the hurt, the pain, the resentment....
the way she takes as if none of these ever happened....
the way both of them took as if everything is just normal....

hate it... hate them...
and I hate myself for hating....