laments

I feel as if I am loosing control again... and it's happening real fast.
I'm dead tired but i just can't get myself to sleep... what is happening to me? am I relapsing? I am scared shitless... I am tired of the routine of falling down and picking myself up again... I am tired of having people view me as the girl with problems, the girl who has to visit a shrink so as to keep her sanity in check.... I am tired of starting from scratch everytime I start tumbling down the stairs of depression at high spped... I am running out of patience with myself and with the world that surround me....

maybe I am jsut plain tired and am not thinking straight. maybe it's because I am all stressed up due to the starting of a new uni term... perhaps I am jsut thinking too much... knowing too much about depression and screwed up emotions for my own good... perhaps...

but my body is aching all over, I can't sleep and I don't have much appetite lately... I am scared that whatever emotional pain that I have experienced thus far in my life living with depression and anxiety is slowly becoming physical. I am scared that this is the final confirmation that yea, I am indeed screwed up in the head....

I have literally no idea apart from just being stressed out and tired on why am i currently feeling the way that I am now...

it's as if with each passing day, I loose more and more energy....
with each passing day, my "high" moods are getting lesser and lesser...
I fear the day when I will return to the world of darkness that I dread, the world which I have fought hard to stay away from....

perhaps, I am not tryin hard enough.... I don't know....

all i know is that, I am scared, lethargic, self pitiful, confused, and more dead than alive....

help me... anyone... someone.... I don't care whoever is it.... just... please...