perhaps these lingering feelings are such really is due tot he fact that I am not ready to let go yet. true, there may be many ways of looking at it... J calls it low self esteem, C calls it escapism... JN says that perhaps it's really the attention that I get from playing the sick role that has sustained this love hate relationship of mine with good ole depression and anxiety.... that everything is deep rooted within me... a childhood scared by memories that were never meant to be....
perhaps.... perhaps I am just a rambling lunatic who is having too much energy and has no other ways to amuse herself, to fill her time other than to make herself suffer.... perhaps i really do love misery... Rev was right all along? that after such a big turn round the garden, i am still ending up in the same place that I first started....?
i dno't know how to explain, I don't know how to describe all these.... I must say that I do agree to a lot of what people say... but is it so because I doubt myself? how much what is laid in front of me that i really take it as real?
I am loosing my sense of judgement.... I am loosing my personality...
and i am afraid... that I am loosing me....
am i afraid to get better as getting better is defined by letting go of the person that I've been for so so long? or is it really that attention factor that is holding me back? I don't know.....
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