feeling down

there are so many things that needs to be done, but i just can't find the concnetration, nor can i find the mood to do it... feels like i am falling back into the dark trap of not caring again... perhaps it was never meant to be... the improvement... I should have known better than to have my hope up high....

I always fall back down....
Always....

i hate myself so so much... being lost and confused and living in a a world that permits not confussion... I just hate this so much that i wanna run and run away and hide in a place where I'll be safe..... anything to be safe... I'll give that much to be....

my mind is acting out... it's tired of following the unwritten rules of society that defines sanity... perhaps I wonder, just for a while... that perhaps it would be better loosing it than clinging on to it and suffer the pain...

perhaps if i were to throw away this pride and let the darkness devour me... savouring me till I am one with it... perhaps then my life will not be filled with the pain that it is now, defending myself against insanity....

it's tempting, to give in to insanity.... it's calling out my name, welcoming me with open arms into its sweet adobe..... letting myself loose and be one with the one thing that i've resisted for so long... it's a battle of persistance and resistance.... how long it'll keep luring me... and how long I'll keep myself from being lured into it's fangs of devastation....

i want to cry out in sorrow of the pain felt... from an invisible dagger plunged deep into my heart... i want to heal, but there exists hindrance.... there exists a roadblock so huge that i just can't ignore it's existance.... not any longer....

i seek refuge in my studies... yet, it's being slowly taken away from me.... day by day, i loose more and more of my passion... i've become uncaring... i'm loosing who i am, loosing my purpose in life.... i cry out but there is no one to lend me a hand... no one to believe this slacker of me... no one to understand....

alone i stand, against the world outside....
inside my shell i practice and rehearse over and over again, preparing myself for the world outside....
for i have not one to provide myself shelther other than me alone...
yet i don't wanna give up just yet...

is it a stupid thing to do?
to hang on to something that i shouldn't even contemplate hanging onto?
is it something only a fool would do?
for i am a fool... perhaps... jsut perhaps this is what i live for...

live to live a life....
yet, for so many times and yet again...

living never equals alive....
being alive simply means that you're not dead...
to live means more than that...
requires more than that....

is it something that i can give??

have no idea...

will not have...

perhaps...

for eternity...