the meds are stoping me from feeling too low.. but i am still feeling a little low... still feeling unreal... still feeling sad at night... sad and miserable... as if i don't deserve to live at all... and i truly hate it just so very much.... so so much...
don't come near me... don't leave me... in the end, i could never figure out what i really want... what i truly want out of this life, out of my life... i thought i did, i really thought i did know... and that feeling felt so real.... but i guess, it was real then and only then....
i like his way of making things not complicated... i like his approach of making things appear less serious... but half of me feels stupid when i have to call him or see him for a problem.... makes me feel small... inadequate..... needy.... still very much a child with immature decision making skills and approach to life changes.... perhaps i really still am a child... a child who had to grew up too fast and when i have a chance to stop this accelerated growth for one moment to rejoin my peers, i've forgotten about my own capabilities.... i'm asking too much from myself.... i am being too much of a perfectionist....
perhaps if i were to be able to take things simply... to not complicate things with my strife for perfectionism.... perhaps then things would be better for me.... perhaps then life would be much more enjoyable....
need to know that life is not meant to be perfect....
perfect is boring.....
and i laugh my guts out....
and tears start rolling down my cheeks....
crying for this pain within me... the hurt, the injury within me that will take a long long time to heal... that is, if it were to heal....
crying for feeling lonely in a crowd... alone in my jaded world...
i'm whiny... but right now, that's what I'll be... just for now...
tired... so very very tired....
waiting...
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