jsut when i start thinking that perhaps, just perhaps, there is such a thing as getting better... with no more violent moodswings, no more crying in the night, no more feelings of wanting to be anywhere but here with myself...
jsut when I thought that perhaps, I am getting heaps better... that this time around, whether i like it or not, the meds are actually working... that the combination is right.. that i am not gettin depressed, that i can function as normal...
then, bam!
i have had two big episodes of what they tell me is panic attacks in like one and half weeks... it's not even two weeks.... it was scary... last night... and they had to call the ambulance and all... it was bad... I thought I was gonna die...
why? why when I start being hopeful about life... when I stop being suicidal and all.. I start feeling as if my life is gonna end?
perhaps i am better off being depressed?perhaps then I wouldn't be afraid of death?perhaps then that I would be too absorbed with the negative thoughts that none of these will bother me as they will be seemingly minor in scale as compared to my own irrational moodswings and inner pain then...
why?
I don't understand....and I am feeling lost in all these...
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