I feel compelled to simply write and write and continue writing... about my feelings, about anything and everything.... it's stupid, it's crazy, it's pathetic.... and I hate this me who is insane...
emotions are overwhelming me again.... I've been working hard... working so hard to jsut keep it in line.. jsut to control them.... jsut to not let anymore ppl in my problems... they deserve to have their own life... not a life of worrying about me.... I don't like it... I know people care... I do... I appreciate it.... but then, it's not fair.. it's not fair that I waste people's time and energy jsut because of my own stupid problems... it's jsut gonna be like how it was with cm... one day they will all leav me cos they jsut can't stand me anymore... I am a master at building only bad memories....
I know I shouldn't be so self critical and all.. I know I should be more nurturing or whatever it is... but it gets hard... it gets hard when you cna't even control how you feel....
I hate to know it... hate to say it... hate to see it... to see that I am crashing... to know that everything has only been a dream... I was stupid enough to believe.... I was a fool to leave myself unguarded... to have myself being vulnerable and all... and now, I shall bear the consquences....
I don't like admitting that I am getting my moodswings again... I hate to admit that I am tired.... I shouldn't be... I am supposed to be bubbly... to be outgoing... to be all that I am not and never was.... what people see is jsut my facade.... it's all jsut a pretend play....
that's what she hated about me the most too... that's what I have about myself too... about all these smilling yet inside rotting away crap.... it's rubbish to be how I am, who i am....
nothing last...
well, at least not my happiness.... what's left is jsut emptiness.... I am devoid of feelings.... making me less human....
I can go on and on and on..... not knowing what I want to say... not that it ever matters really... it just shows how bad a person, how worthless a person I am...
sometimes, it's tempting to go lower... to ge further than this.... to feel more extreme than this.... like how I was before in yesteryears....
but is it a risk worth taking?
it's conflicting... it's confusing... when you are both sane and insane at the same time.... one person halved.... help I scream... a scream silent to the ears of the world.... not their fault really... it's only I to blamed...
perhaps, it's better off alone.... then there would be no pain nor suffering that I will cause.... not more frightening scenes of me not being able to breathe and all that my friends have to deal with..... I don't want to hurt anyone... anymore...
it hurts me to hurt people....
help me... I can't tell, I can't talk to anyone.... there really is no point in asking for help that I will never get anyway... not that anyone can do anything either..... it's just me and myself and this stupid part of me... this part of me that keeps getting me into trouble... trouble and nothing else...
why?
2 comments:
easy there girl. follow your theme. it helps to write out, like what you're doing now.
what's bothering you? is there a beginning? is there a solution? care to tell me?
it's just that my moodswings are starting again and it feels like I am starting to crash again...
thanks for caring... really really appreciate it...
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