Freudian?

how did a simple conversation about snakes and bush walking lead to Freud and subsequently led to me being emotional and anxious and all when the subject of my dad or my parents for that matter was brought up? I really don't know... is it me thinking too much? or is it really what he sort of intended to steer the conversation into? but then, he said and made it clear that it wasn't intentional at all.... perhaps I am just querying too much I presume...

the snake represents the phallic? hmm.... interesting... so those who have snake phobia are erm.... hmmm..... and that spiders represent the vulvar? so guys afraid of spiders are homosexuals? that is jsut so... ahem... well, can't say that it's all false and non truth cos there is, if you were to disect the words and search freantically for somewhere, some point to connect... but then again... what is there to back it up? then again, that is the reason why Freud was ridiculed about being overly obsessed with the idea of parental influence, sex and neurosis later in life.... all the psycho-babble is making me nuts.... no wonder i am seeing a psych!

he talked about cathexis, about how energy is never lost, always conserved, same as human emotion, trauma, whatever one may wish to name it.... like when you are angry at your dad, you can't express it freely, so you keep the energy and release it by kicking hard at the football instead...

and then the topic went on to hysteria, conversion... that some people when under overwhelming emotional stress, convert the "energy" and all into physical form... like how someone might be paralysed but without any physical causes, instead, psychological... like trying to run away from something, you don't want to face, so you jsut shut down... and you go on autopilot....

and then dissociation.... that people forget when under extreme stress....

why does it sound so... erm... familiar? as if he's talking about me... way to go my lecturers and my books on stats... thanks for drilling into my thick skull that correlation does not mean causation.... but it's as if I am seeing him unravel the mysteries of my messed up life before my very eyes.... giving an answer to the "whys" that I've so often asked, though not through a generally really pleasant-and-nice-societably-acceptable theoritical explanation. but the hard part is that it all makes perfect sense.... so much so that it's scary that it's not personal anymore.... and yet, it's not supposed to be intentional.... at least that's what he says.... I choose to believe him.... but I can't stop thinking...
I can't help but think... so the saying goes,

"curiousity kills the cat..."

**meow**

I'm dying with information oozing out as my brain juice....

**information overload**

**overheating of the CPU a.k.a. human brain**

on another note...

I still need to be on epilim... and there is no time limit as to when I would need to continue to be on it.... not taking the others are fine... but epilim is a must... it helps to "stabilize" me, keep my moods in line, my brain chemicals in check... lest they act on the idea of creating a riot in my brain, causing misfiring of my neurons , killing me in the proses(shrugz, they don't provide proper military training in there!!) .... don't want that now, do we...? sigh....

la la la la ... I'm a flying trapeez... come catch me...

OCF Camp '06

"HOT 4 GOD"

Trust and faith is in knowing that He will be there for you no matter in what circumstances.... even when life's challenges don't make sense or exceeds human compatibility, that knowing and trusting that He will be there, forever loving and reasuring.... prepared to catch you when you fall.... even when you choose to walk away from him....

Defeats are not failures... defeats are just troughs that we have to overcome so that we can see the beautiful sunrise beyond the horizon.... witness the beauty of this world.... defeats are just pressure elicited by the hands of the almighty potter in moulding us into the person that he has envisioned us to become.... it's his way of setting us on the right path... the path that he has laid for us to journey on....

I have decided to return home... along with the feelings.. the overwhelming emotions that I once held dear to my hear... the passion, that burning flame in my heart has once again been started.... it's the same feeling as that of yesteryear... when my heart cries out and my soul yearns for Him and with ony Him alone to quench my thirst....

memories came flooding back.... feelings came rushing over me , feelings of sadness, warmth, inspiration, loneliness.... entwined.... was confused and frustrated.... for i know not what i was feeling..... for i know not what was happening within me... for i was ignorant.... for i was too fearsome to acknowledge His pressence.... fear has crippled me....

and then i remembered...

that those memories was of that of passionate fights to be near him... of days yearning for his closeness... of times seeking for his assurance.... times of despair those were, but also times of seeing the light.... seeking and seeing the light that shines through all darkness....

that those feelings were that of love and kindness, of compassion and faithfulness.... in believing when everyone else, everything else discourages.... of firm understanding and knowledge in what he wants from.... of confirmation that it was for certain His voice that I've heard.... His plan that has been laid before my eyes.... and the courage to go forth even when a failure it appeared to be, to everyone, even to me.... yet it was the emotion to be determined, to persevere...

perhaps then, I have returned...

perhaps then, I have remembered to feel...

perhaps then, it is time....

perhaps then, this is for real...

emotional.... but not in a bad way...

what i am currently feeling now is something that I have not felt for a long long time.... the feeling of being simply satisfied... simply warm and fuzzy and all.... it's as if music is flowing through my veins... i feel compeled to let the sweet sweet sound of music take me on a journey to a far off land... traveling on a magical carpet, a tapestry weaved from musical notes....

searching for my heart, left behind as i turn to running away when life threw its pressures at me... it's about time i stop running, stop everything and start anew.... to breathe in the fresh air after the rain.... to see the little glimers of hope that is being offered... to reach out my hand in trust to accept....

yes, I feel emotional... listening to the song of the wind.... telling a story of a lost child returning home after a long journeying....

yes, i feel emotional, warm and fuzzy.... not in a bad way....

lesson learnt....

people care... and sometimes, that is all that matters....

C called yesterday (tuesday) to see how i was, J called today (wednesday) to see if everything is fine... for that, I am thankful.... and not to forget Arun, Peter and all of them....

lesson of the day, people are not emotionless beings that I cannot trust... rather, friends are there to share and care...

想要忘记从前的自己，想要从新来过，但却有种难以放手的感觉……

都已经过了这么久，为何还要让伤心的回忆来折磨自己呢？
是时候放手，让这被上了锁的心重新获得自由。
难道不累吗？这么多年？

但不知为何，有种不想放开的感觉……
难道一麻木了？
难道经过了长期间的封锁，我爱上了这种没有自由的感觉？
翅膀忘了如何飞翔？

気分が悪い

最近の自分が大嫌い・・・
金曜日にまだ試験がある、でも、全然勉強しない！
どうして私この人に成った？
分からないよ！

Who am I?

makes me wonder, am i really the peron that people perceive me to be? am i really nice when they say i am? i guess, no matter how many different views of me that people see in me, ultimately it's my own view that counts eh? then again, it is nice to know that people see something nice in me... yes, it's sad that i don't see anything in myself, but it's comforting to know that i am not a nobody in the eyes of others... ... perhaps, it's just me putting myself down too much... simply too much....

decided to deffer my tomorrow's paper... it's jsut impossible for me now... i have to accept that... accept the fact that there are things that i just can't do no matter how much i try.... and i am glad that i have met so many wonderful people.... people who have taught me that it's okay to rely on others... people who have taught me that it's okay to step back and take a breather before moving on my journey again.... people who have made me realised that it's only human to feel weak and helpless at times... that's what people exist for... to stand by each other, to support one another....

yes, i need to start acknowledging the fact that i have fallen again.... and recognize the fact that it's not the end of the world... it's just a stream that i have to pass... and that i don't always have to swin across it alone... that i don't have to fight the currents alone... that there are those who care.... who care enough to join me, to build a bridge together, hand in hand, for me to cross...
for that, i am thankful....

haven't been thinking straight... but then again, what is new any more? it's just so typical of me to shut off when i reach my limits that i am getting used to what i fear most.... being numb to being numb..... at times like this, how i wish to feel.... to feel the confusing emotions that are in me....

so numb.. and i question... who am i anyway? a feeling-less being or a person numb to emotions due to feeling too much?

.......

i feel as if I am about to give up....
I really don't want everything to come to an end this way, but is there really anything that I can do? i really don't know... I am lost within me....

I tried so hard to focus, to concentrate... to study.... to fufil my role as a student... yet I can't... perhaps this is my limit... I have reached my breaking point and all that's left is the time and place that I will completely shatter....

I need an outlet for my raging emotions...

what is this that I am currently feeling?
I don't know, I have got no answers for it.... but it's scary to be like this, it's not a nice feeling.. it's as if I am left hanging somewhere between nowhere.... from here onwards what is the path for me to take?

what is my purpose in life anyway? it's a vision blured... and I am loosing sight of the person that I hope to become... motivation is leaving me... alone...

left alone...

ramblings....

scared...

I'm swinnging.... up and down...
it's coming back... coming abck to get me...

最近的情绪又再次的不平衡，感觉好害怕……
不晓得自己怎么了……
该如何呢？一而再地，反反复复得已经好几年了。
而就在我以为“它”已离我而去时，高兴还来不及，“它”又回来了。
好烦！不晓得该如何去面对这一切，不晓得该如何面对自己……

大家都说，别急，一步一步来，但，你们根本就不明白，而且也没有能力明白。
这不怪你……不是你错，错统统在于我……
我不是一个好的朋友，整日只懂得让人操心……

empty

I feel compelled to simply write and write and continue writing... about my feelings, about anything and everything.... it's stupid, it's crazy, it's pathetic.... and I hate this me who is insane...

emotions are overwhelming me again.... I've been working hard... working so hard to jsut keep it in line.. jsut to control them.... jsut to not let anymore ppl in my problems... they deserve to have their own life... not a life of worrying about me.... I don't like it... I know people care... I do... I appreciate it.... but then, it's not fair.. it's not fair that I waste people's time and energy jsut because of my own stupid problems... it's jsut gonna be like how it was with cm... one day they will all leav me cos they jsut can't stand me anymore... I am a master at building only bad memories....

I know I shouldn't be so self critical and all.. I know I should be more nurturing or whatever it is... but it gets hard... it gets hard when you cna't even control how you feel....

I hate to know it... hate to say it... hate to see it... to see that I am crashing... to know that everything has only been a dream... I was stupid enough to believe.... I was a fool to leave myself unguarded... to have myself being vulnerable and all... and now, I shall bear the consquences....

I don't like admitting that I am getting my moodswings again... I hate to admit that I am tired.... I shouldn't be... I am supposed to be bubbly... to be outgoing... to be all that I am not and never was.... what people see is jsut my facade.... it's all jsut a pretend play....

that's what she hated about me the most too... that's what I have about myself too... about all these smilling yet inside rotting away crap.... it's rubbish to be how I am, who i am....
nothing last...

well, at least not my happiness.... what's left is jsut emptiness.... I am devoid of feelings.... making me less human....

I can go on and on and on..... not knowing what I want to say... not that it ever matters really... it just shows how bad a person, how worthless a person I am...
sometimes, it's tempting to go lower... to ge further than this.... to feel more extreme than this.... like how I was before in yesteryears....

but is it a risk worth taking?

it's conflicting... it's confusing... when you are both sane and insane at the same time.... one person halved.... help I scream... a scream silent to the ears of the world.... not their fault really... it's only I to blamed...

perhaps, it's better off alone.... then there would be no pain nor suffering that I will cause.... not more frightening scenes of me not being able to breathe and all that my friends have to deal with..... I don't want to hurt anyone... anymore...

it hurts me to hurt people....

help me... I can't tell, I can't talk to anyone.... there really is no point in asking for help that I will never get anyway... not that anyone can do anything either..... it's just me and myself and this stupid part of me... this part of me that keeps getting me into trouble... trouble and nothing else...

why?

it never stops, does it?

jsut when i start thinking that perhaps, just perhaps, there is such a thing as getting better... with no more violent moodswings, no more crying in the night, no more feelings of wanting to be anywhere but here with myself...

jsut when I thought that perhaps, I am getting heaps better... that this time around, whether i like it or not, the meds are actually working... that the combination is right.. that i am not gettin depressed, that i can function as normal...

then, bam!

i have had two big episodes of what they tell me is panic attacks in like one and half weeks... it's not even two weeks.... it was scary... last night... and they had to call the ambulance and all... it was bad... I thought I was gonna die...
why? why when I start being hopeful about life... when I stop being suicidal and all.. I start feeling as if my life is gonna end?

perhaps i am better off being depressed?perhaps then I wouldn't be afraid of death?perhaps then that I would be too absorbed with the negative thoughts that none of these will bother me as they will be seemingly minor in scale as compared to my own irrational moodswings and inner pain then...

why?

I don't understand....and I am feeling lost in all these...

the other way

there is this sudden gush of sadness washing over me.... help me...
I know not of what is happening, know not of why this crippling feeling is here to greet me...
all that i know of... the limited knowledge that i have of this feeling is that it will not last... that it shouldn't last.... but in the mean time, ther eis nothing but holinding on to my dear life... holding on to something that seems so unworthy of holding on to...

I don't understand... but somehow, I need to keep trying...
the odds are high... and I am lost... lost in this whirlpool of darkness...
it's getting dark in here...
why is it happening again?
despite all the effort? depite all the pain I had to put up with.... all the frustration... all the anger... all the hatred.... all those feelings....
all those emotional wounds that are yet to heal have been reopened.....
by what? i don't know.... I really don't.....

suddenly, I feel all alone... all alone in this.. no one to comfort me... to lend me a hand as i fall deeper and deeper into this dark abyss.....
help I shout and scream but none that can be heard.... a silent scream of my excrutiating pain....
alone... always have been... all along... alone...
I have been fooled.... I have been a fool.... to think that there would be light.... that there would be laughter that knows no boundaries.... to think that my tommorow has came.... that I shall be happy and bubbly all the way through....

yes, I have lived in a dream.....
down...
down...
down...

I fell....

my wings broken.... my soul shattered....
how i long to be flying high again...
but
can i?

why?

why do I always variate between two extremes? it's either I get so stressed up that I cease to function or I don't get stressed up at all even though by right I should be.... for goodness' sake, it's exam period.. it's only natural to get all stressed up and go into "study" mode.... yet, here i am... lazing around not giving a care about the whole wide world.... doing nothing but breathing and existing....

I hate this attitude of not caring...
yet I hate myself too when I cared too much!

is there really such a thing called balance? stability?

I feel all over the place right now... though I am sitting in the basement of Hargrave, writing.... nonsensical ramblings of this unquiet mind of mine... screaming out help, yet at the same time convinced that everything is just fine... yes, simply just fine...

i don't feel anything... yet i feel everything...
all these while, it has always been revolving around this issue of feeling and unfeeling for me.... isn't it about time to stop? isn't it about time to stop giving me problems? and start giving me peace of mind for once?

i am angry, exhausted, disappointed...
i am begining to sink again.... starting to slowly.... come down....

why?

why the moodswings?
why don't i understand?
what is wrong with me???

I need to start getting