this is going to sound crazy and all... but I am having this feeling of wanting to be depressed and suicidal and all.... it don't make sense I know... but this is what I am feeling now.... and I don't understand... really... don't understand at all...
I've been fine for the past 3 or 4 weeks without any episodes and all... and everything 's been well... I've been studying, been productive in my assignments, been having more energy... basically feeling more normal, more well....
but somehow, somewhere, something is missing big time....
I feel like wanting to get sick again... I know I sound crazy and masochistic and all... but really, part of me wants to get sick again... so sick that I cease to function... so sick that I fall back into the depths of depression... jsut so to see if I like it better that way....
yes, I know this don't sound right... cos when I was deep down there, I was complaining and all.. trying my best to get out, trying my best to get better.... hating my life when I am depressed... but now when the meds are working... at least I think they are starting to work... I feel as if I have lost part of myself along with stabilizing my moods....
I don't know how to let go... it's been that I've been in pain for so long that life without pain sort of don't feel right to me anymore... it's like I've accustomed to pain and suffering... depression, anxiety... insanity....
I don't want yet I want...
I'm confused....
help.... please...
No comments:
Post a Comment