gone

the feelings are overwhelming me again... help I cry out but there is no one to hear me out... I need an escape... I need to run, run so far away from harm's way... help me, please, anyone... someone....

I am sinking deeper and deeper into a state of confusion created by none other than myself... perhaps it's my wish coming true... to allow myself once again to sink that deep... to go that far... to reach for the unspeakable... pain... pure pain shooting up my spine... pain that need no receptors to prove its existance..... the pain visible to me alone... felt by me alone... made real for and by me alone....

I am mumbling, complaining again..... what is new? emotions that cripples me... this is not new... but this time, it's not resistance that I sense... it's not fighting to get out, to be free that I see myself doing... it's abiding by the rules of this game that I wonder now its true significance... its true meaning.... is this really worth it? to go this far? to wish that I go this far?

this is not the process of falling... this is jumping into a space where I can free-fall, at my own will, at my own pace... my own speed, my own choice.... this time, as much as I hate to say it, to admit it, it's my doings.... I wanted to feel.... yet, this is not the emotion that I seek..... this is not the feeling that I long to embrace within me again....

this is emptiness..... no matter how much I try to feel... I can't... no matter how much I allow myself to fall so as to jsut feel... to prove my existance as a human being.... to have emotions... I can't.... something's been taken away from me.... I've been robbed of the funtamental aspect of being alive.... I've been robbed of my ability to feel... to understand emotions... to know that I have emotions....

everything is jsut mere words now... everything..... it carries nothing but the meaning which man has given it.... it's jsut mere words, sound that we produce.....

or perhaps, maybe....

I wasn't robbed... i gave it away... during my darkess times, I've willingly traded it with emptiness... I've willingly given it away so as to not feel the pain... I had let it be taken away from me with open arms....

I am but a fool.....
I am but a fool....
I am but a fool..
I am but a FOOL.

help me please... life lived with no emotions is not a life worth living.... help me please.... someone.... I've thrown away the one thing that jsutifies my living.....
it's myself to blame... my foolishness....

yet, could I have done otherwise? could I have been strong enough?
the devil is it, my saviour is still it.... what really are choices?
what are the choices that I really do have anyway?

none.......
it's all a lie...
a delusion created by life itself.....
that has tricked me into playing this role...
for these many years I've been blind....
yet blinded by the pain that only I can see....
I cannot stand it no longer....

lost....