senseless....

emotions they come and they go...
sometimes I really do wonder what is reality....
it's not like i am feeling estremely low or something like that, but it's jsut subtle emotional pain that keeps nagging at me.... pain that will never go away for as long as live... perhaps it really is so.... always in me... pain that defines me...

or have i just simply fallen into the trap of playing the sick role? wanting to be cared for... wanting to be weak just so people would stop and ask how am i doing...
then again, wasn't I the one who truly hate being that way? am I not the one who wants to get stronger? to be better?

to not falter in my beliefs that "I can" and "I will"?

J said that he would like to hear about me from me... not others... not through people who grew concern over me falling back to being sick and weak... that he wants to know if anything is wrong through my mouth... through me telling him... that he knows that I hide things... that he knows that I don't tell him stuff....

but I can't be crying to people everytime i feel down, can I? especially when these feeligns are jsut so momentarily.... when it's all just that spur of a moment... it's not like it's lingering for ever... it's just at that time....

yes, I know... no matter how bad it gets... no matter how intolerable it feels and it seems... it is but a moment's worth of feelings....

moodswings.. or so it is called....

I really can't and shouldn't be complaining... I have so much... yet this pain....
doesn't this sentence just sound all too familiar?
this is what emotional pain is....
you wanna make sense of it but it's just one thing that can never be made sense of....

I am just ranting, venting... going on and on about non-sensical issues that are not even supposed to be bothering me...

I need to stay focus but my mind feels all mush up... as if it's melting away...
nights when I lie in my bed, curled up into a ball... wishing that things would end..... that has never left me... it's still here, it's still real...
I don't deny it....
but am I really that strong? can I sustain this?
I am not sure myself... but I will try...
it's not time to give up yet...

yet, sometimes, it's just so hard... to keep up with time, to keep up with my wandering thoughts.... as I loose myself in the realm of imagination....

where reality and ideal intertwined....
where emotions facilitates...
me, myself... entwined.....