sanity fading...

writing is making me feel alive, make me feel like i really am living, a feeling otherwise unknown to me...

it's been a while since I last spoke to her... and yet, not a day go by without me thinking of our memories together... memories that she felt tainted by tears and pain... a tapestry paint in crimson tears that holds only pain and suffering...
yet, through my eye, it was not so...

perhaps it's just me... who lives blinded by life's truth...

I am being emotional... a little irrational... I know.
yet, I don't really feel like holding back my sorrow...
don't feel like pretending that everything's fine when it's obvious that it's not...
yes, I don't feel like keeping it inside... for it's suffocating... these emotions...

i need to cry, I need a release...
I need to feel once more...
this pain inside of me... denied of it's existance is frantically crying out for attention...
I can't ignore it much longer...
yet, by doing so, does it means that I will have to give up what I hold dear to my heart? that I will have to give up what I've strived hard for? whatever accomplishments I've made while journeying through insanity and back will all go to waste? that I will have to start all over again from the very begining?

no, this is not what i want....
I am more persistant than this...
yet, the moodswing's are back...
and it's getting disturbing...

i don't want to falter in my belief in my self-worth...
I want to hold onto the me who can do so much... who can give so much...

perhaps I am just asking too much of myself...
perhaps I am just pushing myself simply too much...
yet, if not this path, what other roads is there for me to take?
if not this journey, what else lies ahead of me?
I don't know...

the unknown always frightens me... scares me...
I am but a slave to my fears...
I want to break free...
to be a master of myself...
but yet, can I?
all these times, all these futile attempts at setting myself free...
not once I've succeeded...

I am loosing my ability to think.. to sort my thoughts...
I thought that keeping myself busy would solve my problems...
perhaps I am jsut too naive...

if only things were that simple...

I am simply going over and over again about my moodswings, about my whirlpool of emotions... like a broken record, going on for eternity....

someone, please stop me, anyone... stop me...
stop my sanity from fading...
stop this hope of recovery that I hold dearly to to stay visible...
as I loose sight to what I can be... to what I hope to be...
slowly, gradually, surely...

fading...