denial?

was it really that strange when I laughed when I screwed up for my presentation? why did J see it as me being "high"? why did he presumed that I am in denial of my moods? why is it that people perceive it in that way when all that it is, is simply my own way of coping with failure, for once, not by breaking down......

is it just like what we were taught in lectures? social schemas that people hold onto either consciously or otherwise? why must people hold on to the stereotypical image of how I should be based on past knowledge of who I am? are changes really that insignificant that they are not worth noticing? or is it because the moment there is knowledge as me being a flawed being, there is no turning back in people's perspective... that forever I will be viewed, not matter what I do, what I accomplish, as a fragile being that is prone to breaking down...

why do you all judge me so?
am I really that unreliable?
is it really that impossible for someone like me to change? how then, can you all tell people in my situation that recovery is possible, that it will get better, when the people that we trust the most to believe in us lacks faith the most?

perhaps you were jsut concerned, and I appreciate that... truly.

but I too need to be trusted by, to have someone have faith in me...

it wasn't denial, it was jsut my way of coping... perhaps there is a little denial, but definitely, it's not as how you think I am....

truth is, it did hurt, a lot... failure always hurts... but i am tryin not to be affected by it... tryin really hard... really really hard... I don't want to fall back into the hole from which I climbed out of... mistakes may be painful... but the greatest pain is to repeatedly repeat the same mistake over and over again without being able to control it.

I will try to gain control.... no matter what it takes, I refuse to get sick...

positive self talk... research shows it works, but sometimes I can't help but wonder, does it really? does it really apply to everyone? what if I am the odd one out? what if what I ahve is really biological? what if it really is out of my control? what if I am internalizing everything too much?

or am I jsut medicalizing my experiences with emotions?

where is that thin fine line that separates sanity and insanity? who defines it?
perhaps I really have gone crazy....